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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come back

186 replies

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 20:48

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
Jamaisy82 · 03/05/2023 21:39

I don't think this is about packing its about the fact he had a drink and didn't come back earlier but if it is about the packing you do yours he does his packing simple.

Notparticularlyslappable · 03/05/2023 21:41

So, he had the day off work today, but you were working all day and in meetings.

He went to his mums for the day, then popped over and had a beer with his friend, before coming home with you.

You had a strop and left your boyfriend to put your young kids to bed and are now lurking in your car down the road.

And it takes you a whole day to pack an overnight bag.

There's only one person here being unreasonable, and it sure as hell isn't your
boyfriend!

Gymnopedie · 03/05/2023 21:46

This is about more than packing, isn't it?

Does he make a habit of swanning off and doing whatever he wants then telling you it is what it is (which sounds disrespectful to me)? And does he expect you always to pick up what needs doing?

Because for those PPs saying it doesn't take long to pack for one night, it sounds like that could equally be directed at the DP - he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. Is he looking to you to magically make it happen for him while he doesn't have to lift a finger?

proventocleanbetter · 03/05/2023 21:50

ADHD isn't an excuse to flounce and act like a drama queen.

I have ADHD and in my experience, packing for one night means you realise about three minutes before you're due to leave that you haven't packed. Leaving ADHD aside, packing for one night doesn't take all day, and it doesn't take two people.

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 21:53

@Gymnopedie Is he looking to you to magically make it happen for him while he doesn't have to lift a finger?

Or maybe he expects OP to pack for her own children since they are her children after all.
I’m sure he’s perfectly capable of throwing a fresh outfit for himself in a bag if left to it.

AtChoService · 03/05/2023 21:53

YabVu.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/05/2023 21:54

Gymnopedie · 03/05/2023 21:46

This is about more than packing, isn't it?

Does he make a habit of swanning off and doing whatever he wants then telling you it is what it is (which sounds disrespectful to me)? And does he expect you always to pick up what needs doing?

Because for those PPs saying it doesn't take long to pack for one night, it sounds like that could equally be directed at the DP - he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. Is he looking to you to magically make it happen for him while he doesn't have to lift a finger?

The other read is that he knows it will only take him 10 minutes, so didn’t feel the need to dedicate 8 hours to it.

For some reason the OP thinks that packing will take a long time. Which leads me to believe that either has some odd expectations of the process and what it entails. For all we know the part about him not doing it right is that he doesn’t pack 3 suitcases of extra clothes, 2 boxes of toiletries, and rations to last a week plus cleaning the house from top to bottom.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:54

Thanks for your replies.

Totally agree I didn't handle it the best by storming out. But it isn't just packing a bag. The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover. Plus there's other little bits that just need to be done so they're not there when I get back.

He wasn't/isn't wasted. But yeah, I really should have just stormed to the bedroom rather than go out.

It's just the fact that it doesn't matter when it's all left to me, but it can't possibly be left for him. Totally get I haven't been an angel but there was no need for him to be out for hours on end knowing we had stuff to do.

I really struggle to multi task and get big tasks done by myself. I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:57

I don't feel the need for it to take 8 hours either. I started work at 7, took DC to school and picked them up and worked until half 4. Tea had to be cooked and well as get DC ready for swimming. As I said, to some people, doing everything else on top of that may seem a breeze but for me, I just can't do it and just get stuck.

OP posts:
BlackPhillipsCheese · 03/05/2023 21:58

If you were packing for yourself and your DC, what exactly did he need to do? Throw a couple of outfits in a rucksack?

Do you live together?

It's a bit confusing, sorry. It sounds like you're stressed and overreacting.

What else was there to do? If I'm going away for 1 night I can't think of any huge packing or planning to be done. Maybe put the food waste bin out?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/05/2023 21:59

I’m glad you’re feeling better OP. You’re still being a bit unreasonable. Half of that stuff you couldn’t have done before today or tomorrow morning anyway.

Tell him to sort the lunches and the cat. You get the school bags and DC clothes. Then you each take 10 min throw your own crap into a bag.

At most an hour.

hockerydockerydick · 03/05/2023 22:00

But it isn't just packing a bag. The DCs aren't coming with us so it's packing their stuff for their dad's, getting school bags ready, packed lunches ready. The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover

all of that would take an hour AT THE MOST. YABU and a martyr

mickybarrysmum · 03/05/2023 22:01

All of the chores you've described (apart from packing for the cat) are chores to do with your children.
Are you annoyed your boyfriend went and met a mate instead of making your kids packed lunches?

I do realise when you live together there are some chores that get shared but you're being unreasonable and you're gonna my to ruin your break.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:01

Ok I've accepted I'm BU. Thanks for kicking me into shape!

OP posts:
Redebs · 03/05/2023 22:01

What does the cat need sorting???

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/05/2023 22:02

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 21:57

I don't feel the need for it to take 8 hours either. I started work at 7, took DC to school and picked them up and worked until half 4. Tea had to be cooked and well as get DC ready for swimming. As I said, to some people, doing everything else on top of that may seem a breeze but for me, I just can't do it and just get stuck.

I was being facetious on the 8 hour thing, I really did not think you were packing that much.

Now get off of MN and get ready to go.

Hope your overnight trip is a fun one!

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:02

Thank you @saltinesandcoffeecups

OP posts:
Booklover40 · 03/05/2023 22:03

Your dh sounds like a bit of a selfish git however you are totally over-dramatising this one night away. I'm taking it you don't go away very often?

I can't even imagine this being a "thing" in our house and dh and I go away for holidays alone 3-4 times a year and we have 4 dc's. I leave the gp's money for food/takeouts, make sure the uniforms are set out for the ones that need them, throw a few things in a bag for myself (have never, ever worried about dh's packing - he's a grown man after all) and that's about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2023 22:09

Have you gone home yet? Are your DC okay? Using bedtime with your boyfriend as a punishment for him or the DC is awful.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2023 22:09

Have you gone home yet? Are your DC okay? Using bedtime with your boyfriend as a punishment for him or the DC is awful.

Yes I'm home. The DC are fine and in bed. I'm also in bed. The DC were oblivious to it and my DP has survived. All is well.

OP posts:
Erex · 03/05/2023 22:12

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:01

Ok I've accepted I'm BU. Thanks for kicking me into shape!

Although you were BU, I understand why you planned it as you did. I'm autistic with ADHD and will often put a day aside for a certain task, knowing that I likely won't need all of it. Poor DP's week will then consist of "remember we're packing on X day!", although he is used to it now!
It also throws me if he then says we won't do it then but will do it another day instead. Perfectly reasonable, but the last minute change and the fact we weren't prepared "on time" would upset me. It's about learning to control those feelings, but it is difficult.

To pp, if the OP has ADHD as she suspects, those tasks will take an hour or so, but will eat away at her until it's done. It's bloody difficult to regulate sometimes.

FloorWipes · 03/05/2023 22:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. He said he would be back and help with the stuff you were finding difficult. He wasn't back and he didn't show any understanding of the effect on you. I'd be annoyed stressed out too.

People who don't find stuff like this difficult - several commenters on the thread - probably can't really understand the "big deal" but I absolutely get it.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:16

@Erex you have hit the nail on the head and thank you for understanding.

I do realise I need to apologise. I need to start the process for a diagnosis as I think I'll then learn to deal with these feelings and outbursts! DP thinks I'm just trying to label myself and that everyone feels/thinks/reacts hoe I do, but I know my brain is different.

Again, thank you, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 03/05/2023 22:16

I'd prefer to have started this earlier in the week but he said to leave it until the day before as well both do it together.

There's your problem right there. He is not consistent.

Don't let a man dictate your life to you.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:17

FloorWipes · 03/05/2023 22:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. He said he would be back and help with the stuff you were finding difficult. He wasn't back and he didn't show any understanding of the effect on you. I'd be annoyed stressed out too.

People who don't find stuff like this difficult - several commenters on the thread - probably can't really understand the "big deal" but I absolutely get it.

Thank you so much Smile

OP posts:
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