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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come back

186 replies

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 20:48

I may be BU and I may not, I don't know, but I'm so pissed off.

DP and I are going away for the night tomorrow. We have an early start and had planned to use today to get packed and sorted so we can head out straight away in the morning.

DP needed to go to his DM's to collect a few things, and left at 10am. Said he was going to be back at 5 and then had "missed" the bus. So then he asked if he should stay at his DM's and I collect him after DC's (not his) swimming lessons, and I said no I'd rather him get the 5.30 bus so he can start with the packing and I can help finish when I got back from swimming lessons. I told him I didn't want to spend all evening doing it because I wanted to relax and get an early night ready for a long day tomorrow. He then decided he needed to see a friend so he was going to meet me at the DC's swimming lessons.

I told him he's taking the piss and that we had planned to get things done together. He's saying it is what it is. I've said I'm not doing it when I get back from swimming as I'm not stressing about that and getting the DCs into bed.

Went to swimming lessons, he didn't meet me there, I had to go and pick him up elsewhere.

We get home and have had a row because he doesn't know what he's doing with packing and sorting everything else out for tomorrow. I say he should've thought about that before staying out (he has been drinking as well, wasn't just a catch up with a cuppa. And I've been working all day as WFH and have been in meetings).

So now I've stormed out and said let's see how he likes it if I fuck off for hours on end and expect him to do everything - including putting DC to bed!

I don't think I have helped the situation by walking out, but why couldn't he have come back at a reasonable time so we could've sorted everything?

I haven't been diagnosed but I'm sure I have ADHD so struggle with some things and don't necessarily always think rationally. But I just can't calm down from feeling pissed off. I'm currently sat in my car half way down the road so he thinks I've gone out somewhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
Devonshiregal · 03/05/2023 22:21

Actually feel like he was really unreasonable. Packing has been a distraction here. If you say you’re going to be somewhere, you need to be there. That’s how trust exists. If he said he was going to pack with her today, why did he think it was ok to just not come back. It’s really disrespectful of her time. And smacks of he got a better offer so he chose to let her down. It shows he doesn’t value her.

and as she has adhd he should know (as her ‘partner’) that she was stressing about packing and the rest of it, and needed his support. I mean, everyone on this thread has seen how OTT upset she was about these tasks, so it seems unlikely he hadn’t noticed.

wouldn’t be hard to say to his mum, “thanks but no more alcohol mum, ‘Partner’ is a bit overwhelmed with packing and the kids and work so I’ve said I’m going to go home and help her.”

Devonshiregal · 03/05/2023 22:23

Btw OP I have adhd too so wasn’t saying OTT stressed in a mean way. I verrrry much get it.

5128gap · 03/05/2023 22:26

You're just stressing about the trip OP and have hit out at the wrong target. Lesson here, if you know you need to do things way ahead to feel under control, do that for yourself. Don't let anyone talk you out of it if that's what you need to do.

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:37

@ohfacksake why didn't you pack in advance during the week ticking off a list as you add bits to your case ?

That said, all the best op

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:37

@ohfacksake your dh was a pickle of the highest order

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:41

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:37

@ohfacksake why didn't you pack in advance during the week ticking off a list as you add bits to your case ?

That said, all the best op

I was going to but thought, as it was one night, it would be ok. But then it just all come to a head and I couldn't cope.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 03/05/2023 22:44

Glad you’re sorted op.

can we see a picture of your cat now?

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:44

Devonshiregal · 03/05/2023 22:23

Btw OP I have adhd too so wasn’t saying OTT stressed in a mean way. I verrrry much get it.

Your reply means a lot, thank you.

I just felt like he could've easily spent time with DM and made it back to help me like he said, but he chose not to.

And then I was left to deal with this mental list of everything that needed doing and had a meltdown. I can't help it, it just happens.

OP posts:
Birdsongsinging · 03/05/2023 22:44

I think you are not being unreasonable at all. You wanted to do it earlier and he said no he would help, then he goes out and doesnt help at all. I would be totally annoyed at that.

Hawkins003 · 03/05/2023 22:45

ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:41

I was going to but thought, as it was one night, it would be ok. But then it just all come to a head and I couldn't cope.

Show quote history

That's understandable, still cannot believe your partner behaviours, you sure it's not an affair ?

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:48

Dotcheck · 03/05/2023 22:44

Glad you’re sorted op.

can we see a picture of your cat now?

Haha, of course Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:49

Oh they're not attaching!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 22:50

@Hawkins003 yeah I'm sure. He was definitely at his mum's.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 03/05/2023 23:06

I’m also suspected ADHD but undiagnosed and would also get really upset at this, but rationally looking at it, I think it could be to do with a symptom called RSD. Making a plan with someone and them letting me down or being late does make me upset. I also get anxious about packing because I need to double and triple check everything. That being said, he does sound annoying and should have communicated better with you.

Summerfun54321 · 03/05/2023 23:07

The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover.

What have I just read!? Cats have sleepovers!?

Azerothi · 03/05/2023 23:12

Do you and this current boyfriend live together?

Outliers · 03/05/2023 23:28

YABU.

It's hard not to perceive you as controlling and mean. It's not that serious, take it easy.

Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 23:30

Summerfun54321 · 03/05/2023 23:07

The cat is staying out so I need to sort his stuff out for his sleepover.

What have I just read!? Cats have sleepovers!?

I did mean that in a funny way but I have anxiety worry about him being alone for so long

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 23:31

Azerothi · 03/05/2023 23:12

Do you and this current boyfriend live together?

No, for many reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
ohfacksake · 03/05/2023 23:31

Outliers · 03/05/2023 23:28

YABU.

It's hard not to perceive you as controlling and mean. It's not that serious, take it easy.

Noted. Thank you

OP posts:
Tanith · 03/05/2023 23:44

So it's easy to pack, only takes 10 minutes, Op is being a martyr etc. etc., is it?

So why can't he do it?

Because he clearly can't if he doesn't know what to pack and doesn't know what he's doing.

But it should only take him 10 minutes, he's making such a drama out of it... Hmm

Boobahs · 03/05/2023 23:48

Nope, I'm NT and that would piss me right off. He's arsed around all day and then expected you to bail him out of different situations, knowing you've been working and had the general day to day stuff of kids, teatime, swimming lessons to deal with plus all the packing shit.

I wouldn't be helping him pack any of his stuff and if he forgets anything, I'd ignore the inevitable whinging and sulking. Sorry, but his actions have been very inconsiderate towards you today.

goingtotown · 03/05/2023 23:51

I'm sorry OP you need to toughen up, she's done a diabolical job, don't pay her & tell her you don't feel confident to let her wallpaper again.

goingtotown · 03/05/2023 23:51

Wrong thread

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 03/05/2023 23:51

I had a (quiet internal) meltdown today because the chicken I was waiting for was going to take 15 minutes to cook and that didn't match up with the to-the-minute plans I had mapped out to try and keep myself focused and get everything done this evening. So I just left without it with no plan for dinner for myself. Again.

ADHD can be overwhelming, cut yourself some slack. People who don't get it don't get it.

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