Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 01:17

So you work part time and look after your 2 year old.
Bill him for half the cost of nursery on the days you care for your 2 year old. If you were working he would have to pay this anyway.
Does he contribute to your 2 year olds costs or do you spend more on your child? Do you end up paying all the costs for nice things for the house because he refuses to contribute?
You are being financially abused. You can ring Womens Aid to talk to them about this.

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 01:20

Also if he was paying his way he would pay for half the cost of hiring a cleaner/cook to do everything you do.

larkstar · 04/05/2023 01:44

You charge him for any domestic work you do of course don't you? Does he do 50/50 re: childcare, cooking, washing etc because obviously if you weren't doing these things (which I accept he may be doing) and you were to work full time, then, between you you would have to pay for someone else to do them.... None of that would come cheap.

In short - his attitude and behaviour is nowhere near normal. Do friends and family know he is like this? He's abusing you.

Mari9999 · 04/05/2023 01:49

OP , what do you mean she you say that"he makes you pay"? Exactly how does he do that? The idea of him going through the house looking for things that you bought is absurd.

Why are you living in this way? I don't think that it is unreasonable to expect you to pay half of the household expenses. I think that if both parties want a certain lifestyle that they should expect to contribute as close to equal as possible to fund that lifestyle. However, you are an adult. You are not his child and he cannot make you do anything. If any physical force is applied, you should be reporting that as assault, and you should be looking for a place of your own.

There is no universal or absolute right way to handle finances. Each couple together should decide what works best in your household. It seems as though your husband has appointed himself as household dictator.
You need to decide if you want to live in his universe and continue to subject yourself to his rules.

If you do not earn enough money to be self supporting, you should make every effort to correct that situation. If you earn enough to be self supporting ,you should free yourself.

If you are fearful of being alone, just remember that unpleasant and controlling men are not an endangered species. If you get rid of this one, it is always possible to find another one.

MummyNeedsADrinkDear · 04/05/2023 03:26

Not normal in my experience. He sounds dreadful. Controlling behaviour.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:33

My husband and I are both self-employed/own our own businesses. We just put our money into a joint account that we both use to pay bills and for spending money.

I live in the US so from reading other responses I'm thinking joint bank accounts aren't a thing in the UK? Or some people mention putting money into a joint account yet keeping their own out of it... I have never heard of that for married couples honestly but I guess I never went around asking and just assumed everyone did it the way we do. Haha.

We just share one account and what's mine is his and what's his is mine when it comes to money, since we're married and love/support each other and under the law where we live, everything is community property/jointly owned anyway, since we are married. Is the law different there?

Anyway OP your husband is committing financial abuse. It's controlling and manipulative. I wouldn't be able to be with someone like that.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:45

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 21:48

saying “like a slave” is comparing the OP to a slave and her situation to slavery.
The ops situation is nothing like slavery and it is, in my opinion, offensive to make such a comparison.

Yes she is in an abusive relationship but that doesn’t justify the hyperbole or your doubling down on it.

Show quote history

"Like a slave" is a turn of phrase. Just like "like a slave-driver."

Lots of people say things like "I slave away at work all day, I slaved away in the kitchen, I feel like my family treats me (or Cinderella, etc.) like a slave." It doesn't mean they don't recognize the impact of actual slavery just because they use a phrase or compare it in some ways to that. If a woman is working without pay (or anyone working at any job without pay) then yes IMO she is her husband's slave. I'm not saying that's exactly what's going on here but I can definitely see the comparison.

The actual definition of slavery is something like having to work for another's benefit without being paid, I would imagine, whole being too lazy to look it up and copy and paste.

Now, I see the viewpoint that OP has the ability to leave and free herself from this situation (maybe... If he is truly controlling and abusive then perhaps not) whereas slaves often do not. But that doesn't mean there's no comparison to be made at all.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:53

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 22:29

Those aren’t “sex slaves”. They’re Child/Adult Sexual Exploitation victims. When a person is trafficked for sex or labour, they are trafficked from their home often to another country and kept imprisoned with no freedoms, and no rights and often are barred from medical care and murdered when they outlive their usefulness- these are modern slaves.

Show quote history

They are victims of sexual slavery because they are being made to perform sex work without pay and they also have very limited freedom and can't just get up and leave.

I don't understand the need to minimize what happens to people in these horrible situations just because some other people "may" have had it "worse" according to someone's own standards.

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:56

FrostyFifi · 03/05/2023 22:29

but you should be paying your half of the bills each month

It's a marriage, there should be no "your half".
The vows state all that I have I share with you.

I agree! Why would anyone marry someone they didn't trust sharing everything including money with? I'm not even religious but I believe marriage is a completely equal partnership and that we are building a life and living a life together. There is no need for separate finances. To me that would mean distrust exists. But now thanks to this thread I've learned others do it differently and I respect that but for me, it wouldn't feel like a marriage, a team, an "us." It would feel like mine versus his.

Walkaround · 04/05/2023 04:53

Sounds like he’s a horrible, controlling, abusive, lazy, greedy man. He should pull his weight more around the house, with your child, with admin, with being a loving husband, not do fuck all of that but still expect you to pay half of everything and criticise you for anything you buy.

user1492757084 · 04/05/2023 05:00

Not normal.
Go to a financial advisor together and both get a good handle on your joint finances.
No one should be ignorant and no one should bully and control finances.

123rainbow · 04/05/2023 05:56

I would leave him. He doesn't treat you as an equal.

GoodChat · 04/05/2023 06:08

I can't see that anybody's asked the important question. How tight is money for your family right now?

You've only said he earns more than you. Not what he earns. Could it be that you're not paying half of the bills, and that he's paying a decent amount more than you and that's why he gets annoyed by the little purchases?

You need a proper money conversation.

GuinnessBird · 04/05/2023 06:29

Every couple is different but I contribute most of my money towards the joint account as does my husband, if we didn't then the bills wouldn't get paid.

Your husband does sound like a bit of a knob though.

ArtistAndMusician · 04/05/2023 07:26

My Dad would do this, but because my Mum was addicted to shoplifting so he was checking if she'd been up to it again.

ALongHardWinter · 04/05/2023 08:23

Definitely not OK. It is financial abuse.

Nordicrain · 04/05/2023 08:27

well the nagging, checking your spends and "making" doesn't sound normal. But i do think it's relatively normal to expect each person to pay their agreed share towards the household income. That should be proportionate to what you earn, but I can see why he's not happy to potentially pick all the slack if you've had a slower month to ensure you can go shopping. So for me, the devil on this one is in the detail.... that said, he behaviour sounds shitty.

Naunet · 04/05/2023 08:57

He’s a nasty, nasty man. So militant about financiers being split 50/59 but surprise surprise, not so much when it comes to housework etc. Stop doing all of the cleaning etc, tell him he needs to do 59% if he wants you to pay 59% of the bills, not your problems if he has less time, just like it doesn’t seem to be his problem that you earn less.

I really think you need to leave him, he’s abusing you.

Naunet · 04/05/2023 08:59

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:53

They are victims of sexual slavery because they are being made to perform sex work without pay and they also have very limited freedom and can't just get up and leave.

I don't understand the need to minimize what happens to people in these horrible situations just because some other people "may" have had it "worse" according to someone's own standards.

Show quote history

Forced to perform sex work?! I think you mean they’re raped.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/05/2023 09:16

rowanoak · 04/05/2023 03:56

I agree! Why would anyone marry someone they didn't trust sharing everything including money with? I'm not even religious but I believe marriage is a completely equal partnership and that we are building a life and living a life together. There is no need for separate finances. To me that would mean distrust exists. But now thanks to this thread I've learned others do it differently and I respect that but for me, it wouldn't feel like a marriage, a team, an "us." It would feel like mine versus his.

Show quote history

I trust my husband but I don’t believe that marriage means I have to give up all of my financial independence. It’s incredibly important to me to have my own money, as it is to my husband to have his own.

It works for us. I wouldn’t be with someone who wanted only a joint account.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/05/2023 09:17

Sissynova · Yesterday 20:51
my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills

I mean the wording here is unnecessary. “Make” sounds more negative but it’s just a case of you both putting money in for joint bills, which is totally normal.

Going around the house to see if you’ve bought something is really not normal behaviour though.”

This.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 04/05/2023 09:28

Not normal to be so controlling about it and not normal to want to see you go without on months where you earn less.

I do tell my DH what to put in the joint account but to be fair that’s because I have taken on the roll of managing the finances, probably because I earn more.

So he takes home £1600 and puts £450 in our joint current account and £200 in joint savings. I take home £2600 and put £950 in our joint account and £700 in our joint savings. We are both left with £950 each to do what we want with which I think is fair.

You shouldn’t be left short OP

pollykitty · 04/05/2023 09:35

No it’s not fing normal. Of course it isn’t. You must know this. Being overly controlling of money is abuse.

TheBadLuckOfTeelaBrown · 04/05/2023 09:40

He is abusing you. Pure and simple. Now you need to decide if you are going to accept this for the rest of your life. If not, go. If you are, then that's crazy frankly.

Lostmum2407 · 04/05/2023 09:51

I am divorcing my husband for this reason. I got sick of being controlled. He made me save up for my maternity leaves so I could still contribute my half to all of the bills. This is not what marriages should be like. I didn’t think I was part of a team and I didn’t feel like I was in a marriage. I’m not suggesting you divorce your husband but he needs to realise how he’s making you feel or you will feel resentful towards him and this can turn into hate. Once that happens, there’s no turning back. Talk to him. If he gets angry like my husband got then there’s no reasoning with him.