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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with SIL?

156 replies

FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 07:53

So DN (DH’s sister’s daughter) is 6. She’s obsessed with our DD, 10 months. When I was pregnant, SIL went on and on at DN about how I was carrying her cousin and how they’re going to be best friends once the baby is born, getting her to hug my bump constantly (which I wasn’t keen on but didn’t seem to be given a choice) just really trying to generate excitement in DN. I get why, but it was a lot at the time (or felt it, perhaps it was pregnancy hormones)

We live nearly 200 miles from SIL and her family so only see them every few months.

Since DD has been born, it’s been so intense with DN every time we see them. We went to visit them for a couple of days last weekend and I left feeling really cross at SIL and also DH.

It’s no exaggeration to say from the minute we arrived to the minute we left, we barely got a moments peace from DN. She was glued to my side and in my and my DD’s face constantly, pulling DD around, following me every single time I tried to put her down for a nap or to change or feed her. She kept saying to SIL ‘she’s like one of my dolls’ and SIL kept saying ‘yes she is like your dolls’ I really wanted to say, she’s not a fucking doll.

SIL kept asking could DN feed and change DD, I didn’t feel like I could say no as she asked right in front of DN, neither the feeding or the nappy changing went well (I think because DD was getting more and more grumpy and tired) DD was getting so fed up of being pulled around, she’s teething so hadn’t slept well the night before and was so overstimulated and grumpy that after a while she had the biggest meltdown she’s ever had and neither DH nor I could console her for nearly an hour. Noone could hear themselves think so I said I’d try putting her in the pram and take her for a walk to try and get her to sleep, que DN saying ‘I want to come and push the pram.’ I just wanted 5 minutes bloody peace, I looked at SIL and was about to say ‘I think it’s probably best I go on my own’ when SIL jumped in and said ‘of course you can, I’m sure FanFare will let you push the pram as well’

It carried on like that for the whole weekend, I left feeling exhausted as felt like I’d had two children the whole weekend with DN just constantly bloody THERE.

When we got home, DH said ‘DN was pretty intense this weekend wasn’t she, I could sense some tension at one point and could tell you were getting really pissed off’ I said ‘So why didn’t you say something then? It’s your bloody family!’ And he said ‘I wanted to but I knew it would piss SIL off, I didn’t think she’d take it very well if I said DN was being a bit much, you know what she can be like’ (backstory, SIL is incredibly precious and cannot take any form of criticism towards her or her family, she’s also the ‘princess’ of DH’s family and we are all genuinely expected to pander to her otherwise MIL and FIL get cross!)

I’m so cross, I feel like DH shoved me and DD under the bus so as not to annoy SIL. It’s okay for me to be annoyed though?

What’s prompted this thread is it’s MIL’s birthday next month and we are all going to a cottage for the weekend to celebrate so we have to stay under the same roof as DN for 2 days. On Monday we get sent a video from SIL, it’s of DN singing a countdown song to the number of days until she gets to see DD again. I got one yesterday and now again this morning. SIL said DN is going to do one every day for the next month until she sees DD again. I’m honestly really struggling with all this, it feels so bloody intense and suffocating and I can’t imagine having this much interest in someone else’s baby! SIL has zero self awareness that other people might not want DN in their face all the time and never calls her away. How on earth am I going to cope with it for 2 days under the same roof? I’m dreading it.

AIBU here? Is it actually all really ‘cute’ and I just need to accept it all? To me it just feels intense and obsessive.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 03/05/2023 07:57

If you've ruled out telling her straight then I suggest the baby comes down with last minute I'm not dealing with this shititis.

takealettermsjones · 03/05/2023 08:00

YANBU for feeling the way you do but YABU for not saying anything ever and expecting things to change!

Wishiwasmycat · 03/05/2023 08:00

Oh this is tricky. Firstly, mute the WhatsApp notifications and don’t watch the videos. Secondly, be pleased that they don’t live around the corner. Thirdly, be prepared for a weekend of DN wanting to be with the baby ALL the time. So why doesn’t SIL take your DD for an afternoon with DN to give you a break? You can use this to your advantage, you know, without needing to fall out with anyone.
that family dynamic sounds very ingrained but they won’t be the only family like this. If you can play this to your advantage, I would try to. Not worth a massive fall out, especially when stuck in a small cottage!

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 03/05/2023 08:01

At first I was going to say YABU as DN is 6 but wow, that is too much. You have to assert your boundaries to SIL and get DH on side.

To DN very clearly say 'baby is overwhelmed, please give her some space', 'no you can't help right now but maybe later' etc.

Bloopsie · 03/05/2023 08:02

Drop hints about her needing a sibling perhaps? Bizarre that the SIL dosent seem to understand you might not appreciate thos ott attention.

I would avoid going for visits.

Original poster
FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 08:05

Wishiwasmycat · 03/05/2023 08:00

Oh this is tricky. Firstly, mute the WhatsApp notifications and don’t watch the videos. Secondly, be pleased that they don’t live around the corner. Thirdly, be prepared for a weekend of DN wanting to be with the baby ALL the time. So why doesn’t SIL take your DD for an afternoon with DN to give you a break? You can use this to your advantage, you know, without needing to fall out with anyone.
that family dynamic sounds very ingrained but they won’t be the only family like this. If you can play this to your advantage, I would try to. Not worth a massive fall out, especially when stuck in a small cottage!

I get your point and I could do that, and perhaps next month that’s what I’ll have to do to save my sanity but equally, I’ve had 11 years of pussyfooting around SIL, being expected to pander to all her wants and needs because everyone else does, I feel like this is just another example of that and I’ve had enough.

It’s my baby and yet I feel like SIL is, inadvertently still getting to call the shots. I also feel like I can’t put up with years and years of this obsessive behaviour towards DD, I just don’t want it.

I really want DH to say something and if there’s a falling out then so be it, but do appreciate that is probably unreasonable. Sigh, just don’t know how to deal with it moving forward as it’s genuinely putting me off wanting to see DN.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmycat · 03/05/2023 08:08

I hear you. My advice comes from a similar pussyfooting around strategy to your DH, as I hate confrontation. A PP advised some ‘baby needs space’ which makes good sense and baby could also ‘be unwell’ as advised by another Pp. good luck and I hope it’s all easier than you fear it’s going to be. X

tattygrl · 03/05/2023 08:10

I think this is a situation where you need to state your boundaries, clearly and firmly but just gently. "No, I'm just going to take DD for a quiet walk on my own, DN; she needs some sleep now.". There comes a point when you can't control other peoples' reactions. If SIL takes this as a slight and it causes an issue, so be it! You can hold onto the fact that you've genuinely not done anything wrong, and have simply stated what is going to be happening with your very young baby. You've got to start saying no. It can be done kindly and lightly when you want to be gentle with young DN, if needs be. But you do have to start saying no.

Bamboozleme · 03/05/2023 08:13

We live nearly 200 miles from SIL and her family so only see them every few months.

So this really is very infrequent and for very short periods of time?

NoSquirrels · 03/05/2023 08:18

You’re right, it is oppressive and awful. But you need to speak up sooner and louder, be the advocate for your baby.

Tell your DH at the time that he needs to support you getting space. It’s no good seething then waiting for him to notice/act when you know he won’t without you asking.

Tell your DN, ‘No, you can’t come for a walk with the pram this time’, Actually, DN, she’s not a doll so no, you can’t help with the nappy change’, ‘DN, I just need you to go back to Mum for a bit while I take DD in the bedroom’. Use a firm but fair tone.

Ignore the videos.

But mostly - assert yourself. You don’t need to pussyfoot around SIL.

DorritLittle · 03/05/2023 08:18

IncompleteSenten · 03/05/2023 07:57

If you've ruled out telling her straight then I suggest the baby comes down with last minute I'm not dealing with this shititis.

This!

Original poster
FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 08:19

Bamboozleme · 03/05/2023 08:13

We live nearly 200 miles from SIL and her family so only see them every few months.

So this really is very infrequent and for very short periods of time?

Well, not so much now as they all want to start meeting up a lot more, so the frequency is going to increase. As for the duration, no, the duration is always long! Because we don’t live close by, when we do see them, it’s for a whole day or weekend at a time. I can bite my tongue easily for a few hours, less so for 8 hours or a whole weekend.

OP posts:
Fandabedodgy · 03/05/2023 08:20

On the one hand its lovely.

But if it's pissing you so this much you need to find a way to find some boundaries.

But remember she's only 6.

NoSquirrels · 03/05/2023 08:20

Also - time and distance will sort some of this. As your baby becomes a toddler they’ll choose who they want attention from, and it may well not be your DN! Or it might be, they might love to play with her at that point. Or DN will get older and less bothered when she’s not a ‘cute baby’. So just ride it out a bit, as best you can.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 03/05/2023 08:21

You need to tell your DN that the baby needs some quiet time now so you’ll be taking her out by yourself, or the baby is getting tired/grumpy so its best you change her.
Can you not just pop to the bathroom with her and change her in there? You need to be more assertive and just say no thank you/not right now etc.

Bamboozleme · 03/05/2023 08:22

FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 08:19

Well, not so much now as they all want to start meeting up a lot more, so the frequency is going to increase. As for the duration, no, the duration is always long! Because we don’t live close by, when we do see them, it’s for a whole day or weekend at a time. I can bite my tongue easily for a few hours, less so for 8 hours or a whole weekend.

Show quote history

A whole day or a weekend every few months?

it sounds a bit shit but literally all requires is a tiny bit of backbone

as for them wanting to meet up more…. Nip that in the bud or you’ll be posting about that soon enough

FairAcre · 03/05/2023 08:22

NoSquirrels · 03/05/2023 08:18

You’re right, it is oppressive and awful. But you need to speak up sooner and louder, be the advocate for your baby.

Tell your DH at the time that he needs to support you getting space. It’s no good seething then waiting for him to notice/act when you know he won’t without you asking.

Tell your DN, ‘No, you can’t come for a walk with the pram this time’, Actually, DN, she’s not a doll so no, you can’t help with the nappy change’, ‘DN, I just need you to go back to Mum for a bit while I take DD in the bedroom’. Use a firm but fair tone.

Ignore the videos.

But mostly - assert yourself. You don’t need to pussyfoot around SIL.

Some good advice here.

Funkyslippers · 03/05/2023 08:23

I would have to say something and get DH to back me up, in a polite way. Something like "I realise how much you love the baby but she really needs a rest now". If they can't take it, it's not a big deal. Just say it more firmly next time. And ensure your DH will back you all the way

Original poster
FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 08:24

Fandabedodgy · 03/05/2023 08:20

On the one hand its lovely.

But if it's pissing you so this much you need to find a way to find some boundaries.

But remember she's only 6.

I know and it’s not her fault.

I’d like to think that when DD is 6, if she was in someone’s face all the time, that I’d have the emotional intelligence to realise that although she’s my world, she’s not everyone else’s and that someone may find it all a bit too much. Ultimately, who lets their child pester someone for a whole day, even when they can see a baby is upset and that person is busy trying to deal with it, without once calling their child away?

She just has no self awareness. This is just one example in a whollllleee host of examples that I could give over the years but won’t derail the thread.

The videos the last 3 days have just been the cherry on top, just far too much.

OP posts:
HecticHedgehog · 03/05/2023 08:24

you're just going to have to say no to dn and explain why as previous posters have said. Either that or hand baby to dh so he can be pestered the whole time instead Grin

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/05/2023 08:25

If you go odd just explain to your niece that babies get overwhelmed with changes to routine even when they're having fun and that for babies there is such a thing as too much fun and it stops them being able to sleep etc. And then when you say no, say what she can do as well. Eg I'm coming a walk with you, actually remember we said that babies can have too much fun, if you come on a walk then the baby will be too tired to sleep but how about you help with the bath later.

Original poster
FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 08:26

NoSquirrels · 03/05/2023 08:18

You’re right, it is oppressive and awful. But you need to speak up sooner and louder, be the advocate for your baby.

Tell your DH at the time that he needs to support you getting space. It’s no good seething then waiting for him to notice/act when you know he won’t without you asking.

Tell your DN, ‘No, you can’t come for a walk with the pram this time’, Actually, DN, she’s not a doll so no, you can’t help with the nappy change’, ‘DN, I just need you to go back to Mum for a bit while I take DD in the bedroom’. Use a firm but fair tone.

Ignore the videos.

But mostly - assert yourself. You don’t need to pussyfoot around SIL.

This is brilliant advice and what I would normally do if it were anyone else’s child, but I know if I say these things, however gently to DN, that SIL’s head will fall off, and then MIL and FIL’s will too. You’re not allowed to tell her children no, they’re not allowed to be disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 08:28

I guess I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and actually managed to broach the subject with family members and how you did it.

In the short term I can keep appeasing or try to say no, but me saying no will end in tension and most likely a big family argument anyway (as No isn’t what you say to SIL or her DC) so I feel like we may as well pre-empt it and say something now.

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 03/05/2023 08:31

HecticHedgehog · 03/05/2023 08:24

you're just going to have to say no to dn and explain why as previous posters have said. Either that or hand baby to dh so he can be pestered the whole time instead Grin

I think this is the best solution - on the trip away let DH do most of the parenting and enjoy some time out on your own. My guess is he'll end up telling your SIL to back off.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 03/05/2023 08:32

FanFareMax · 03/05/2023 08:26

This is brilliant advice and what I would normally do if it were anyone else’s child, but I know if I say these things, however gently to DN, that SIL’s head will fall off, and then MIL and FIL’s will too. You’re not allowed to tell her children no, they’re not allowed to be disappointed.

Show quote history

OP I have a DN like this, you will need to just do it. My DN spent a whole weekend sulking and refused to speak to me because I dared to say no to her, but it’s not my problem, I felt she had to learn she can’t always get her own way.

I mean this nicely but you need to grow and backbone and stop giving a f*! If you don’t your poor DD will always be forced to do things she doesn’t want to incase they “get upset”. I know she is only a baby still but you need to put the steps in place now to prevent that from happening.