To be pissed off with SIL?

[FanFareMax]

So DN (DH’s sister’s daughter) is 6. She’s obsessed with our DD, 10 months. When I was pregnant, SIL went on and on at DN about how I was carrying her cousin and how they’re going to be best friends once the baby is born, getting her to hug my bump constantly (which I wasn’t keen on but didn’t seem to be given a choice) just really trying to generate excitement in DN. I get why, but it was a lot at the time (or felt it, perhaps it was pregnancy hormones)

We live nearly 200 miles from SIL and her family so only see them every few months.

Since DD has been born, it’s been so intense with DN every time we see them. We went to visit them for a couple of days last weekend and I left feeling really cross at SIL and also DH.

It’s no exaggeration to say from the minute we arrived to the minute we left, we barely got a moments peace from DN. She was glued to my side and in my and my DD’s face constantly, pulling DD around, following me every single time I tried to put her down for a nap or to change or feed her. She kept saying to SIL ‘she’s like one of my dolls’ and SIL kept saying ‘yes she is like your dolls’ I really wanted to say, she’s not a fucking doll.

SIL kept asking could DN feed and change DD, I didn’t feel like I could say no as she asked right in front of DN, neither the feeding or the nappy changing went well (I think because DD was getting more and more grumpy and tired) DD was getting so fed up of being pulled around, she’s teething so hadn’t slept well the night before and was so overstimulated and grumpy that after a while she had the biggest meltdown she’s ever had and neither DH nor I could console her for nearly an hour. Noone could hear themselves think so I said I’d try putting her in the pram and take her for a walk to try and get her to sleep, que DN saying ‘I want to come and push the pram.’ I just wanted 5 minutes bloody peace, I looked at SIL and was about to say ‘I think it’s probably best I go on my own’ when SIL jumped in and said ‘of course you can, I’m sure FanFare will let you push the pram as well’

It carried on like that for the whole weekend, I left feeling exhausted as felt like I’d had two children the whole weekend with DN just constantly bloody THERE.

When we got home, DH said ‘DN was pretty intense this weekend wasn’t she, I could sense some tension at one point and could tell you were getting really pissed off’ I said ‘So why didn’t you say something then? It’s your bloody family!’ And he said ‘I wanted to but I knew it would piss SIL off, I didn’t think she’d take it very well if I said DN was being a bit much, you know what she can be like’ (backstory, SIL is incredibly precious and cannot take any form of criticism towards her or her family, she’s also the ‘princess’ of DH’s family and we are all genuinely expected to pander to her otherwise MIL and FIL get cross!)

I’m so cross, I feel like DH shoved me and DD under the bus so as not to annoy SIL. It’s okay for me to be annoyed though?

What’s prompted this thread is it’s MIL’s birthday next month and we are all going to a cottage for the weekend to celebrate so we have to stay under the same roof as DN for 2 days. On Monday we get sent a video from SIL, it’s of DN singing a countdown song to the number of days until she gets to see DD again. I got one yesterday and now again this morning. SIL said DN is going to do one every day for the next month until she sees DD again. I’m honestly really struggling with all this, it feels so bloody intense and suffocating and I can’t imagine having this much interest in someone else’s baby! SIL has zero self awareness that other people might not want DN in their face all the time and never calls her away. How on earth am I going to cope with it for 2 days under the same roof? I’m dreading it.

AIBU here? Is it actually all really ‘cute’ and I just need to accept it all? To me it just feels intense and obsessive.

The thing is, MIL told DH a couple of months ago that SIL is offended she never gets invited to stay with us (we have a fairly big house so no excuses!) I agree, it is looking a bit rude, but I can’t stand the thought of having to put up with all of this for days on end in my own home (though no doubt it might be a bit easier in my own home) That’s why I’m more inclined for us all to have an open, honest conversation about it, because ultimately it is affecting relations.

I’m going to have a word with DH when he gets home from work this evening and get him to promise me that if the same thing happens again next month, he MUST step in and say something, or I will and it won’t be pretty if it comes from me as I do have form for going from 0-100.

Re. stepping in when it's someone else's kid, I get that it's hard. I really do. I take the view that if it's not affecting me or my children, then fine. I might not like to parent that way myself, but it's none of my business. As soon as it's negatively affecting my children then it's a completely different story. At that point if the other parent won't step in, I will. It's something you just have to get on with imo. Of course it won't come naturally to everyone. But at some point down the line, in a few years maybe, you're going to watch some little brat angel whack your kid repeatedly over the head with something at a soft play centre, and by that time you really want to have had some practice at saying "that's enough young lady/man, pack it in!"

“No, she needs her mummy right now.” Is all you need to kindly repeat to DN. She will get the message eventually. No one can make you move your boundaries.

This would also drive me crazy OP, it’s well over the top. I think the suggestions from PPs are worth using here though.

• possibly a doll so that DN can copy/imitate/imaginary play. ( that’s what most older sisters did in the past actually!)
• Not now …. Maybe later technique
• Yes you may walk with pram, no you may not… feed the baby etc
• colouring or sticker book or other attractive distraction… ooh would you like to play with this now.

“I’m going to have a word with DH when he gets home from work this evening and get him to promise me that if the same thing happens again next month, he MUST step in and say something, or I will and it won’t be pretty if it comes from me as I do have form for going from 0-100.”
Oh for goodness sake. Again with the simpering non adulting. DH should have your back of course but not speak in your place. How about you don’t go 0-100 but just use your words to sil and niece? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Agree with others. Just kindly but firmly say no as and when it happens. There's no need to quietly seethe then lose it. No need to shout or be unkind. You're just saying no. It's not a big deal.

You absolutely can say these things.

You have to put yours and your child's needs first, which means saying "not this time" sometimes to DN and SIL.

You can make it sound better, "DD really needs a sleep so she's not grumpy, if you come and push DN she won't be able to sleep because she'll be too interested in looking at you. We can take her for another walk together later when she's had a sleep maybe." (Speaking from experience here.)

You don't have to let DN + SIL get everything they want. Goes for feeds and changes too.

Yes it's lovely that she likes DD but doesn't trump what your child needs at any time.

Be assertive. Sod whatever unwritten rule there seems to be around SIL.

There’s just too much water under the bridge with SIL and I and too much past resentment there from me for me to compartmentalise in the moment I think. If she gets argumentative or starts throwing a tantrum, I’m going to really struggle to not bring up stuff that I’ve been wanting to say for years!

Ultimately if DH won’t say anything then I will, and I will of course try and keep it kind and civil but I don’t have the patience of a saint and if SIL reacts badly I’m not sure I have the self control to not react badly back, I’m human, not a robot.

I have to admit although the intenseness would drive me up the wall I would leave my child with her and go 'great you can babysit I need to go out and do a few things'

Exactly what I would do. Last minute illness and send husband off on his own and a stern if he complains then he can fucking stay with his family.

All this pandering to SIL so as not to cause upset to SIL and your MIL/FIL at the expense of upsetting your DD and yourself is just ridiculous. You do not need DH to "step in". You simply say no yourself. You are going to have to deal with conflict and advocate for your DD plenty of times, you cannot be a doormat for fear of upsetting someone. It is time to start now and not expect your DH to deal with it.

I can't believe you stood back and allowed a 6yo change your baby's nappy, etc because you didn't feel you could say no just because SIL asked in front of your DN!!! Honestly OP, put your big girl pants on, you need to put your DD first. "No SIL/DN, DD is not a doll. No, you will not be changing her. No DN, DD is upset now, go and play with your toys for a while". Who gives a crap if SIL gets upset?! No wonder she gets away with all this, you all let her. What's the worst that will happen? She throws a tantrum? I sure as hell would prefer SIL throwing a tantrum than my own baby being upset. You need to put in VERY firm boundaries here. Yes, SIL/DN/PIL will try their best to push them but do not give an inch.

Also, if SIL complains about not getting to visit you in your home, say a breezy, sorry we are just too busy to have house guests right now.

I do understand your frustrations im sort of in the same boat with my partners family, but you live so far away and don’t see each other all the time I don’t know whether it would bother me if it was just on special occasions.
I think either yourself or your husband should speak up a bit more about letting the baby have a minute to chill or maybe don’t announce when you’re going for a walk for example - just sneak out like i do haha!
I hope you find some middle ground soon, hooefully your niece may grow out of the excitement soon.

Why are you going to MILs do?

Let DH take the baby and you stay home and do something with your mates instead; you'll have a much better time.

DH will be the one having to deal with his family and he can either put some boundaries in or deal with the stress that's caused by the lack of boundaries.

As for SIL not being invited to yours, that really isn't your problem. Don't worry yourself about it. Your DH isn't rushing to invite her, you know you won't enjoy it if she comes, so why would you?

Honestly, life is far too short for all the drama, so just avoid it and let your DH deal with his own family; you chose him, not them.

You sound very mean to your niece. She's being kind and showing an interest.

You live 200 miles away, this is hardly a pop in weekly situation. You need to give your head a wobble.

Imagine if it was the opposite? And there was zero interest. I think it's lovely and how sweet that she loved her new cousin?

YABU because you haven't spoken up at all!

Set calm and clear boundaries, parent your child! Recognise your and baby's needs and say so.

SIL is being a total dick, don't pander

Yabu

Just say to dn baby needs some quiet time now

Why can't you stand up for yourself?

No idea why you are so annoyed with a child. Just set boundaries

In my opinion, the relationship between cousins is very lovely. My cousins and i are really close - we go on holiday together and days out. Your DD will be a baby for a very short time and then she'll be a toddler and will idealise DN and will follow her around (with the added bonus that you'll get a break). Foster the relationship between them and get DN really involved. It sounds like you see them infrequently and for relatively short periods.

She is a little girl, in love with her baby niece.

Stop dropping hints and just speak up. Tell DN no, loud and clear, in front of SIL.

You will need boundaries as a parent...

There’s showing interest and then being absolutely suffocating. The latter I have a problem with. It’s not DN’s fault, she’s not being parented.

And actually, it really wouldn’t bother me one bit if DN wasn’t interested in DD to be honest, I’m not entitled enough to think that everyone is going to have a massive interest in my child. So long as DH and I have an interest in her, anyone else is a bonus.

And why are you so opposed to MIL and FIL getting upset? Do they pay your bills? Are you dependent on them for money?

If not then you should set boundaries once and for all. You’ve pussyfooted for 11 years and how has that worked out? Standing your growing once would have sorted all this out ages ago.

But realistically, how close are they actually going to be throughout life? There’s a 6 year age gap and 200 mile distance, with the parents not being particularly close either.

Great if they are close growing up, but I can’t really see it happening, there’s too much of an age gap and too much distance IMO.

Oh cut it out, that’s not interest, that a spoilt child with no boundaries.

Whats sweet about someone being so hectic and in your face tk the extend the baby is having tantrums from being exhausted and tired?

@FanFareMax speaking as a maternal
Auntie who is obsessed with my niece.... she's been very annoying to my boys as babies! My niece is now 8, and couldn't give a monkeys about them, unless it's to get them to bed quicker so she can do grown up stuff.

It was awkward with my sister at first, but I just kept having to put in boundaries, as my kids come first. I ADORE my niece, but she's not mine, my kids are.

Can I urge you to stand up for your child in a polite way to your DN? "Thank you so much for offering sweetheart, but baby is exhausted and just needs quiet time to get to bed, kiss baby now so they know you love them. See you when baby in bed"!
"That's so kind of you to offer to push pram darling, but sometimes baby just wants me or your uncle. You were the same as a tiny baby! I remember when you did XYZ"

Gently start redirecting dn. Get her a doll that she can feed and wets etc and encourage her to do with her lovely new doll what you are doing with your baby. Also get dh to get some toys or games and arrange a signal for him to engage with dn and distract her

You’re totally right to be hacked off with all of this. Your baby is NOT a doll.
And whilst I do get it is your DH’s family - I think at various points you needed to speak up as you were the one experiencing the irritation and overwhelm (during pg, before the walk etc). It sounds as though you’re inability to speak up at those moments has greatly added to your resentment.

That said - create a plan with your DH for him to advocate on your and your baby’s behalf at this weekend. Don’t hand your baby over to be played with (as a PP suggested). And use your own voice calmly and as necessary to explain to DN and her batshit mother that you need some time on your own with you baby and that babies need quiet time.

good luck!