To be pissed off with SIL?

[FanFareMax]

So DN (DH’s sister’s daughter) is 6. She’s obsessed with our DD, 10 months. When I was pregnant, SIL went on and on at DN about how I was carrying her cousin and how they’re going to be best friends once the baby is born, getting her to hug my bump constantly (which I wasn’t keen on but didn’t seem to be given a choice) just really trying to generate excitement in DN. I get why, but it was a lot at the time (or felt it, perhaps it was pregnancy hormones)

We live nearly 200 miles from SIL and her family so only see them every few months.

Since DD has been born, it’s been so intense with DN every time we see them. We went to visit them for a couple of days last weekend and I left feeling really cross at SIL and also DH.

It’s no exaggeration to say from the minute we arrived to the minute we left, we barely got a moments peace from DN. She was glued to my side and in my and my DD’s face constantly, pulling DD around, following me every single time I tried to put her down for a nap or to change or feed her. She kept saying to SIL ‘she’s like one of my dolls’ and SIL kept saying ‘yes she is like your dolls’ I really wanted to say, she’s not a fucking doll.

SIL kept asking could DN feed and change DD, I didn’t feel like I could say no as she asked right in front of DN, neither the feeding or the nappy changing went well (I think because DD was getting more and more grumpy and tired) DD was getting so fed up of being pulled around, she’s teething so hadn’t slept well the night before and was so overstimulated and grumpy that after a while she had the biggest meltdown she’s ever had and neither DH nor I could console her for nearly an hour. Noone could hear themselves think so I said I’d try putting her in the pram and take her for a walk to try and get her to sleep, que DN saying ‘I want to come and push the pram.’ I just wanted 5 minutes bloody peace, I looked at SIL and was about to say ‘I think it’s probably best I go on my own’ when SIL jumped in and said ‘of course you can, I’m sure FanFare will let you push the pram as well’

It carried on like that for the whole weekend, I left feeling exhausted as felt like I’d had two children the whole weekend with DN just constantly bloody THERE.

When we got home, DH said ‘DN was pretty intense this weekend wasn’t she, I could sense some tension at one point and could tell you were getting really pissed off’ I said ‘So why didn’t you say something then? It’s your bloody family!’ And he said ‘I wanted to but I knew it would piss SIL off, I didn’t think she’d take it very well if I said DN was being a bit much, you know what she can be like’ (backstory, SIL is incredibly precious and cannot take any form of criticism towards her or her family, she’s also the ‘princess’ of DH’s family and we are all genuinely expected to pander to her otherwise MIL and FIL get cross!)

I’m so cross, I feel like DH shoved me and DD under the bus so as not to annoy SIL. It’s okay for me to be annoyed though?

What’s prompted this thread is it’s MIL’s birthday next month and we are all going to a cottage for the weekend to celebrate so we have to stay under the same roof as DN for 2 days. On Monday we get sent a video from SIL, it’s of DN singing a countdown song to the number of days until she gets to see DD again. I got one yesterday and now again this morning. SIL said DN is going to do one every day for the next month until she sees DD again. I’m honestly really struggling with all this, it feels so bloody intense and suffocating and I can’t imagine having this much interest in someone else’s baby! SIL has zero self awareness that other people might not want DN in their face all the time and never calls her away. How on earth am I going to cope with it for 2 days under the same roof? I’m dreading it.

AIBU here? Is it actually all really ‘cute’ and I just need to accept it all? To me it just feels intense and obsessive.

I agree with earlier advice. Dd is going to be ill just before you are due to go.

You say that she has 2 other siblings. Are they older and if so, are you all expected to always give them what they want, or is it just DN?

And if they are younger, did she get to treat them as dolls as well?

Could you book a hotel to stay in instead? When they ask why you can use that as your way of saying how upset she was last time and you don’t want a repeat

Whatever you do, you will eventually have some kind of conflict and drama with your SIL. You might pussyfoot round and hold your tongue and feel annoyed for years and years. But, but at some point you are bound to offend her, probably unintentionally. There is absolutely no point in delaying the inevitable.

I agree that a response to the what's apps is a good place to start. something like
"It's lovely that Niece is so excited but last time wasn't a success. Baby was overwhelmed and upset, so this time we need a different approach. Can you explain to her that baby isn't a doll and how babies need, routine and space. Could she bring one of her dolls and care for her instead. Obviously she will be able to help occasionally. But only when it's right for baby. I'm sure Granny would appreciate her daily songs. I know you'll be able to explain it gently so she isn't upset"

The videos would send me over the edge! It’s like something from a horror film. I’d fake illness and don’t go. Your SIL sounds completely insane.

It's ok to be firm with other people's DC, so long as you have a touch of kindness.

If DM wants to come for a walk, say 'Thats lovely you want to push the pram, but DD is only a little baby and needs some quiet time. You're just too exciting! Lets do something later when DD has had a rest and can play with you.'

Think of it as teaching DN. You can say things like - gosh babies really do need their rest, you're so much bigger and don't remember all the rest you had when you were a baby! If we give DD quiet time now, you can play peek a boo with her later!

If she follows you to a room, you can say Oh I'm shutting the door now to give DD some peace, you head back to mummy and we'll play later.

You have to remember 6 year olds don't get subletly. You need to be more direct.

On the point you made about not feeking you could say No when SIL asks you in front of DN.

Of course you can say no, just couch it as, oh that would be great but not right now. DD needs XYZ, you can help me play with her later.

I'm pretty sure DN hears no at school and from her friends!

Lots of kids do this to babies. You just have to say no. To your SIL or your DN, whatever is appropriate. "DN I am taking baby to bed now, you can't come or she will want to play with you rather than sleep", "No SIL, I'll feed baby this time" etc. You have a voice too, just like your DH, your baby doesn't however so if he doesn't speak up you can and should.

And yes, I have done similar many times.

Realistically it sounds like this is going to come to a head and cause a degree of bad feeling at some point - so better to address it now in a planned, calm and reasonable manner rather than letting it all boil up until you reach the end of your tether, lose patience and snap!

How unfortunate you have a stomach bug next weekend and won't be able to go...

DH needs to grow a pair

Remove belts?

Why did everyone have to remove belts?

@Cakeorchocolate

*Remove belts?

Why did everyone have to remove belts?*

I'm guessing in case we snagged her or a belt buckle dug into her? Not my rule but I'm always happy to go along with what the parents of a new baby want. It was no skin off my nose.

She has two, elder twin brothers (9) this is probably really outing now!

SIL tried to get them as excited as DN but they’re 9 year old boys at the end of the day, they’re just not that bothered, much to her distress.

And no, we’re expected to give the boys what they want all the time too. They’re just not ever allowed to be disappointed and people must think of them and consider their feelings at all times. It’s exhausting.

I have a DN like this with my baby, although my SIL is more aware! I find it really helpful to have DS2 in the sling, although your older baby may be less happy with that than my 7 week old. But the sling means that I can let her see and stroke the baby without him being (too) manhandled and also when it gets too much I can stand up and he's automatically out of reach!

I also find it helps to tell DN exactly when she can do things with the baby - so things like "I'm just feeding him now but why don't you set up his play gym and we can put him in that after". I also talk a lot about her as a baby, which she seems to like and has the benefit of reinforcing the message of what needs to happen with DS: "Babies need lots of sleep so they can grow, so we'll let DS sleep now. When you were a baby I remember you only slept in the pram and I pushed you all the way to X and back so that your mummy could have a sleep!"

TBH they are not going to be close growing up. My Ds has a cousin same sex who is 7 years younger. They are civil when they meet but he is now 20 and has nothing in common with a 12 yr old. So I would think your dd & dn will be the same. I would start with a gentle no as its upsetting your dd and i would hope she has the same rights in the in laws eyes as dm. If not time to limit contact and plan for the future as it will get worse when she realises.

If you aren't willing to be direct then I would just say no in subtle but clear ways when you're feeling suffocated. For instance, if you wanted to go on a walk alone with DD then I would say:

'Right, I can tell DD is overstimulated so I'm off for some one on one time. DN, perhaps you would like to do X when we get back?'

That way you've made it very clear that DN isn't allowed to come but still seem friendly towards her.

Another more gentle suggestion would be for you to suggest that DN brings one of her dolls (and pram and gear if she has it). She can then play mummy beside you without actually changing or feeding DD. You could give her a real nappy to use on the doll for instance. I would prep DH for this beforehand so that he can be on hand to help DN look after the doll (if she needs help changing dolly) so that you don't need to grow 8 arms. If DN gets lots of attention from DH for looking after the doll, then she is more likely to be happy enough. I'm sure SIL will just LOVE jamming all the doll crap in her car for the weekend too...which is a great added bonus.

If DN continues trying to change DD, then I would suggest being slightly more firm. Something like: 'I'm sorry DN, but I think DD is a bit grumpy because she is tired so I'm going to change her and get her to bed.'

It is a very fine balance!

Got to be honest I think there's an undertone of malice in your SIL's behaviour. Because this opporessive behaviour definitely originates with your SIL and not your DN. A 6 year old wouldn't generally bother to do the same countdown song every day for more than a month. Also your SIL was the one encouraging your DN to be in the baby's face and encouraging her to see your DD as a doll.

From the wider dynamic as you describe it, I think your SIl resents the fact that your DD is now the new 'baby' of the family and has therefore decided to centre your DN using any means necessary.

please don't pander. Be calm but firm in telling both your SIL and your DN to back off as often as is needed.

Your PIL are doing what they think is best for their dd regardless of other people's feelings, your SIL is doing what she thinks is best for her dd regardless of other people's feelings, you need to do what you think is best for your dd regardless of all your in-laws feelings. I suggest whatever they say reply to them "My priority is dd."

But biting your tongue is why you had to put up with this difficult situation for so long. Learn to say no. YABU that you could have done something to change the situation but chose not to. I don't know why it's your husband's job.

I think it's lovely that your SiL wants your children to be close. SiL might not have the measure right yet but unless you start setting boundaries she won't see you're finding it too much.

Its perfectly reasonable to say "She's probably getting cranky as she's not used to being fussed over so much. I'm just taking her for a walk so she can chill on her own for a bit and then she can have a little sleep and when she's awake I'm sure she'll be all happy to see you again.".

You're an adult, act like one and speak up!!

Your DH needs to step up and advocate for you. The situation sounds exhausting!

I know you shouldn’t have to but could you buy DN a doll so she can “ change, feed put the doll down for a nap” so she is a little less obsessed with your DD?

The OP is a grown assed adult

why the heck shouldn’t she be the one to advocate for herself and her child

she’s married to a spineless twit. That isn’t going to change anytime soon. So either the Op moves in to pastures new or… she womans the hell up!

But realistically, how close are they actually going to be throughout life? There’s a 6 year age gap and 200 mile distance, with the parents not being particularly close either.

Exactly op
this is a few times a year get together if that. So you can suck it up a few times a year for a day or a weekend or you can address.

I suspect though that you fundamentally don’t have a particularly amicable relationship with your SIL pre children!

I’ve said YABU because you really should have just said no. So what if DN’s feelings are hurt. She’s 6. She’ll get over it. My auntie told me off plenty times when I was a child and we’re fine.

you need to put yours and your DD’s needs first so if that means upsetting the rest of the family so be it. YABU for not telling them all to eff off

OP,

I mean this kindly but, your husband is a disgrace to watch both you and his child stressed and not bother his arse intervening.

A selfish weak disgrace.

I would be so allergic to such a spineless, little man who would stand by and watch his baby daughter in clear distress.

You need to focus completely on your babys total distress at her needs not being met, for allowing her to be tormented by this 6 year old.

For a 6 year old wanting to treat like a doll be more important that her peace.

How could you allow all that pulling and tugging of her?

I simply cannot understand it.

The poor little mite.

No ability to say how she feels, but to just have a complete melt down because all the adults around her are pandering to some spoiled child that wants to play dolls.

Unbelievable.

I cannot fathom a situation where a mother would sit by and allow this.

I really can't.

Both you and your husband failed to protect your daughter.

I wouldn't be going near MIL's birthday.

Send your frightened husband off to his family.

11 years you have stayed silent and now your daughter is going to have to put upwith the bullshit that not one adult will say NO to a 6 year old and her hysterical mother?

YOU are your daughters only hope in this situation.

She needs YOU to protect her from this ridiculous behaviour that is dictated by a 6 year old and her hysterical mother that the whole family are frightened of🙄