To be pissed off with SIL?

[FanFareMax]

So DN (DH’s sister’s daughter) is 6. She’s obsessed with our DD, 10 months. When I was pregnant, SIL went on and on at DN about how I was carrying her cousin and how they’re going to be best friends once the baby is born, getting her to hug my bump constantly (which I wasn’t keen on but didn’t seem to be given a choice) just really trying to generate excitement in DN. I get why, but it was a lot at the time (or felt it, perhaps it was pregnancy hormones)

We live nearly 200 miles from SIL and her family so only see them every few months.

Since DD has been born, it’s been so intense with DN every time we see them. We went to visit them for a couple of days last weekend and I left feeling really cross at SIL and also DH.

It’s no exaggeration to say from the minute we arrived to the minute we left, we barely got a moments peace from DN. She was glued to my side and in my and my DD’s face constantly, pulling DD around, following me every single time I tried to put her down for a nap or to change or feed her. She kept saying to SIL ‘she’s like one of my dolls’ and SIL kept saying ‘yes she is like your dolls’ I really wanted to say, she’s not a fucking doll.

SIL kept asking could DN feed and change DD, I didn’t feel like I could say no as she asked right in front of DN, neither the feeding or the nappy changing went well (I think because DD was getting more and more grumpy and tired) DD was getting so fed up of being pulled around, she’s teething so hadn’t slept well the night before and was so overstimulated and grumpy that after a while she had the biggest meltdown she’s ever had and neither DH nor I could console her for nearly an hour. Noone could hear themselves think so I said I’d try putting her in the pram and take her for a walk to try and get her to sleep, que DN saying ‘I want to come and push the pram.’ I just wanted 5 minutes bloody peace, I looked at SIL and was about to say ‘I think it’s probably best I go on my own’ when SIL jumped in and said ‘of course you can, I’m sure FanFare will let you push the pram as well’

It carried on like that for the whole weekend, I left feeling exhausted as felt like I’d had two children the whole weekend with DN just constantly bloody THERE.

When we got home, DH said ‘DN was pretty intense this weekend wasn’t she, I could sense some tension at one point and could tell you were getting really pissed off’ I said ‘So why didn’t you say something then? It’s your bloody family!’ And he said ‘I wanted to but I knew it would piss SIL off, I didn’t think she’d take it very well if I said DN was being a bit much, you know what she can be like’ (backstory, SIL is incredibly precious and cannot take any form of criticism towards her or her family, she’s also the ‘princess’ of DH’s family and we are all genuinely expected to pander to her otherwise MIL and FIL get cross!)

I’m so cross, I feel like DH shoved me and DD under the bus so as not to annoy SIL. It’s okay for me to be annoyed though?

What’s prompted this thread is it’s MIL’s birthday next month and we are all going to a cottage for the weekend to celebrate so we have to stay under the same roof as DN for 2 days. On Monday we get sent a video from SIL, it’s of DN singing a countdown song to the number of days until she gets to see DD again. I got one yesterday and now again this morning. SIL said DN is going to do one every day for the next month until she sees DD again. I’m honestly really struggling with all this, it feels so bloody intense and suffocating and I can’t imagine having this much interest in someone else’s baby! SIL has zero self awareness that other people might not want DN in their face all the time and never calls her away. How on earth am I going to cope with it for 2 days under the same roof? I’m dreading it.

AIBU here? Is it actually all really ‘cute’ and I just need to accept it all? To me it just feels intense and obsessive.

Use your words. Reply to the text messages. Something like: Haha that's enough now. Time to calm it down a little or she will be disappointed on the weekend. I don't want a repeat of last time we saw you and will not be treating my child like a doll again and am going to need a bit of space. She's only 6 and is just following your lead. I know you mean we'll but it's all too much for me and baby.

Completely this!
It does sound annoying but you should have said something, it’s your baby your rules. It’s nice that the niece wants to be involved and that should be encouraged but only to a point you’re comfortable with. Next time just state, firmly but politely and gently your boundaries eg “can niece feed the baby/wouldn’t it be nice to feed the baby” say “niece can help me feed the baby” she could prep the bottle for example etc.
Be consistent and keep doing it, make sure husband is too and they’ll get the message.

I also say that as a child who was forced to pander to one of my cousins and the resentment I felt was awful, I hated visiting my aunt because I know I had to do everything my cousin wanted without complaint. I was an almost a teen by the time I finally stood up for myself and stopped caring if I made my cousin fry by not falling in line.

Cry (not fry!)*

And if there's a fall out, so what? What exactly will happen? Will your day to day life become difficult? Will childcare suddenly dry up? No! They love so far away that there is no actual impact on your day to day life.

If I were you I'd tell DH that he had better sort it before the next get together otherwise you will say something and it will go down MUCH worse, and the fall out will be much greater, and if he doesn't have your back you will walk out and return home without him.

You’ll never win on this as DN is clearly being brought up to be like your SIL, who has been brought up like that by your MIL and FIL. Having it out with them will cause outrage and upset.

So you either decide if you are happy to cause the outrage and walk away, or you need to control the time you spend together. You don’t have to meet up every time they want. You might have your own family or friends or interests to pursue after all. You might have a baby who hates being in the car for long journeys too. You might just find that their plans don’t work for you.

Preparing responses is useful and sticking to them firmly is vital. And if DN / SIL won’t listen or comply, you have to be prepared to leave in order to enforce your boundary.

They won’t understand that you’ve got a different preference as people like this aren’t conditioned to consider that other people have agency or their own thoughts or preferences- they are brought up as the centre of their world and the world of those around them and therefore cannot contemplate a scenario in which they don’t get their own way.

Oh and mute that chat, don’t open any of the messages or videos. Who’s got time or inclination to watch a 6 year old singing a countdown song every day for a month?!!

I had spent a lifetime of pussyfooting round SIL, well 20 years, different reasons. I had enough and did something that caused major ripples through the family. I just refused to see her for 5 years. My DH and DS were welcome to see her anytime they liked, she lives miles away.

The outcome is I do see her again. It caused the only true rough patch between DH and I . MIL had a huge go at me at one point. She was literally like a banshee screaming towards the end of her spectacular outburst. This was after I had started to see SIL again, however at the end MIL totally crumpled and said how awful her own daughter was and why it was she had never had a husband and why she caused so many issues and she really does. DH did also agree that she was horrible to me and has just generally bloody awful behaviour sometimes.

You need to speak out. The actual issue isn’t really the six year old it’s the family all kowtowing to SIL. It’s probably based on the fear of her kicking off, that’s what my SIL had a habit of doing if things didn’t go her way.

I agree with giving the baby to your husband and letting him deal with it. No doubt he will get fed up and tell DN to back off (nicely, she’s 6).
you being cross over a long history with your SIL is a bit of a separate issue by the sounds of it

I get this dynamic. We have someone in my family who everyone pussyfoots around and she has a major strop that goes on for months if someone stands up to her. It's really stressful.

You have 3 choices -

1. Firmly stand up for yourself and risk fallout.
2. You/baby aren't feeling well and either don't go or spend lots of time in your room.
3. Put up with it

Look at dr ramini on YouTube.

That sounds exhausting. I'd be avoiding the event, babies do get tummy problems so easily op ;-). Perhaps your SIL should step up and entertain her own child!

Appeasing won’t work, it just postpones . It’s not your issue that her children can’t be disappointed. If you continue to pander at some future point your DC will be the disappointed ones , having to do what their cousins want all the time.

You need to set boundaries now regardless of your In Laws responses. Otherwise your resentment will grow, your marriage will suffer and your DC will be let down. Get your DH inside and plan an approach and what you might ( gently) say before your next meet up so you don’t end up losing it. Factor in a walk/drive just the three of you. Maybe arrange something to do with your niece at some point to give her something to look forward to? Bathing the baby, or reading a story to her? Also if you can manage some distractions, a comic, some paper and crayons so she can do a picture for the baby whilst you change her or put her down. Her mum could do this but as she’s not there’s no harm in you doing so. Good luck.

But that actually doesn’t matter. So what if they all don’t tell her children no? What you’re missing here is that you have an actual obligation to stand up for your own child.

Tell her nicely. If they choose to overreact restate, nicely, that your baby is getting overwhelmed. Keep calm. Carry on.

I’m saying this very kindly OP; you need to stop making excuses and deal with it. Saying ‘I can’t upset SIL, MIL, FIL’ etc is all well and good if you are making those choices for yourself, but you aren’t. This is about your daughter and she needs you to advocate for her, she can’t do it herself.

If you don’t nip this in the bud now you are setting your daughter up to learn that what she wants doesn’t matter, she needs to be kind to others first. Don’t let her learn that.

Be polite but firm. If people kick off ignore it and say ‘I understand DN was disappointed but DD was getting very upset and she’s only small.’ Repeat ad nauseam. This isn’t about the feelings of some adults, it’s about the protection of your daughter. Hurt feelings should be irrelevant when you’re defending your child.

But what is the ‘broaching’ you want to do?

Telling SIL her child is a pestering nightmare is not ever going to go well, however diplomatically you phrase it.

Telling SIL you think she should have more self-awareness and parent differently is never going to go well, however diplomatically you phrase it.

Stick to the real issue: your child is getting overwhelmed. Fix that issue by asserting your boundaries.

You will never ever win with your in-laws, unless you bow to everything SIL wants. And that is setting a dangerous precedent, and is not good for any of you, especially your daughter.

No offence to your DH but it's time for him to stand up to his own family.

I don’t have a huge amount of sympathy for this notion that you can’t say anything. Of course you can, you’re just choosing not to. You’d prefer for your baby to be manhandled upset to the point she’s having major, uncontrollable crying fits because you’re too gutless to say no.

As yourself why that is. Do these people’s opinions mean that much to you that you’re prepared to put your baby second to them?

So what if they kick off? Well if they do you just won’t have to see them again. Result.

People spend far too much time pandering to this crap. No wonder your baby was upset, you didn’t advocate for her through choice.

i voted YABU because all this is in your control. Use your words. I suspect you’ll passive aggressively avoid simmer and snap. Or you could grow up and state your needs.
You set the tone when you let her touch your bump if you didn’t want her to.

Let their fucking heads fall off, this is why people act like this, because people are too scared to make waves. So long as you are polite they have no argument

Your (and dh) baby, your rules

"FanFareMax won't let me treat baby like a doll"

"Because the baby is not a doll" etc

I don't think you need to broach it, if by broaching it you mean bring it up in conversation. I would just deal with it as and when it happens, as other pp's have said, by saying no to DN.

If this causes trouble, remember that you did not cause the trouble, you simply said no. That is not unreasonable.

Don't get pulled into an argument about it either. Just keep repeating that DD has had enough and needs a break from the attention. It may be tempting to bring up all the past incidents to back yourself up, but I wouldn't because then they will latch onto that, saying that you obviously don't like DN, or something, and the argument will change direction to become about how awful you are (you're not btw, but they will try and act the victim).

Good luck, you can do this, but plan what you're going to say in advance and don't be distracted from the basic message that is your DD needs some peace.

Someone on Reddit had a phrase for a husband - “This is a binary situation. You can call a counsellor or you can call a divorce lawyer”.

Now, I am not suggesting anything so drastic but the binary thing can still stand.

• Dear DH, either you speak to your family or I will.
• Dear DH, either you speak to your family or you can pack the car.
• etc, etc, etc.

However, you do need to be prepared to back yourself and if not now, when? But I am not adverse to getting bolshy if things don’t suit me.

God that sounds horrific.

If the only reason you aren’t saying anything is to avoid a big family argument I’d be inclined to just let that happen and see how it plays out.

You really need to put yours and your babies needs before anyone else, if they all want to fall out about it then so be it. Like you say she’s not a doll so don’t let your niece treat her like one.

This sounds deliberate from SIL to me. I would suspect she’s doing it to either assert her dominance/control over you, or attention seek feeling threatened by the new baby, and using her DD on purpose. Poor little girl, she’s just trying to please her mummy - completely ignore her part in this, this comes from SIL.

I think SIL has engineered this cleverly so you’ll be the bad guy whatever happens, so you have to be clever back. I would send a message to MIL saying you’re finding it a bit much and you’re going to nicely mention it to SIL, and then do so right away in a straight to the point, polite text. Prep DH for the fallout, they will wail and moan, but just act puzzled by the dramatics, and brush it off, the point here is to try to bait you into exploding. keep repeating ‘I just don’t like it and thought you should know.’

So I had a similar situation with my DD and her 8 yo cousin. She absolutely adores her and similarly wants to carry her around everywhere, feed her, travel in car with us so DD couldn't nap etc as she kept disrupting her constantly. Cousin's grandma (supervising cousin) just thought it was cute and ignored the behaviour/encouraged it at times. So I just tried to manage it myself really gently with the kid e.g. 'Oh I know it's so lovely to pick her up and cuddle her but she's just learning to walk so she really wants to be on the floor now. Shall we watch her walk, maybe you can encourage her to walk to you?' Etc. It didn't 100% work but it definitely helped.

I also would have DH ring SIL in advance of the trip and say BTW DD is going through a grumpy phase due to teething/growth spurt/illness/whatever you can come up with so she needs to prepare her child that baby will need some alone time. Then you and baby can go and hide out in your room (if you take a door wedge you can stick that under the bedroom door so neice can't get in). Hopefully if you manage the conversation in that way with SIL she won't take offence. If she does and everyone kicks off then they are being totally unreasonable and I would send DH on the trip alone and just say you can't come because of DD's aforementioned condition (illness or whatever).

Keep in mind, you’re setting the example for your daughter as well. Do you want her growing up to believe she has to sacrifice her own happiness to cater to her aunt and cousin’s whims? Because unless you demand change, that’s exactly what will happen.

When I was pregnant with my first she wanted her kids, young primary age at the time, to come and stay with us (without them, just the kids) for about a week immediately after my due date, insisting they'd be no extra work etc. I put my foot down and it caused a colossal fallout, but it was SO worth it - I've just had my second and she didn't even hint that she was thinking the same way. What helped was DH was really supportive - after I caused the initial argument by saying no, he then took over to maintain it (again, has done nothing to help their family relations, but has made me feel so supported), so I'd be really clear with your DH that he'll probably need to feel uncomfortable and make some waves, as otherwise you're likely in for years of this nonsense.