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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
WolfFoxHare · 02/05/2023 17:14

God. If ever ‘“No” is a complete sentence’ was appropriate, it’s on this thread.

Nereides · 02/05/2023 17:14

Would I be right in guessing that DS1 is not DH’s son? Because I can’t see a man suggesting that his own autistic son should move out and cope on his own when he’s barely out of his teens. In fact he wants his own son, who based on what you’ve said has no disability at all, to have the room that belongs to your disabled son.

Honestly OP, open your eyes and see how he’s trying to treat your disabled child. For me this would be a deal breaker, I’d be giving him the boot.

Nereides · 02/05/2023 17:18

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 16:50

While I don't think it should be done in favour of giving DSS the room, I actually don't think it is outrageous for your DH to be asking about when DS will move out.

You have 6 children in a 4 bedroom house, if none of the kids leave when they get to adulthood, it's not very sustainable or fair on your younger children. Even in 5 years time, is it going to work to have a 16 year old, 18 year old and visiting 20 year old all in one room while your older two are still living with you?

The eldest DS has autism. He might never leave home. DH should have thought about that when he married a woman whose child has autism. He can’t just push a young autistic person out of his family home so his own (apparently perfectly healthy) son can have a bigger room when he visits half a dozen times a month.

backawayfatty1 · 02/05/2023 17:20

YANBU - your current set up is fair. Agree with other posters that next to claim the loft room is DD not DSS.

Considering DSS is staying weekends only then he will be last to get his own room in my eyes.

Why does Ex have a say of rooms in your house. I have an amicable relationship with ex but wouldn't be expecting advice for my home 🤣

HipHipCimorene · 02/05/2023 17:23

Ds1 shoulnt be sharing with an 11 & 13 yr old.
Ds1 does shift work and sleeps at odd hours
DS1 only has one family home.

Yes he should have the lift room. How is he supposed to sleep with younger ones around.
DSS shares as he’s only part time.

You have the set up right IMO

Strawberrydelight78 · 02/05/2023 17:27

I've seen it done where a window was put in higher up on the partition wall. But would mean you would have to open both windows for a bit of fresh air. But if you get a good fan. That shouldn't be an issue.

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 17:27

Nereides · 02/05/2023 17:18

The eldest DS has autism. He might never leave home. DH should have thought about that when he married a woman whose child has autism. He can’t just push a young autistic person out of his family home so his own (apparently perfectly healthy) son can have a bigger room when he visits half a dozen times a month.

Show quote history

As I said in an earlier comment, this all needs discussing. I agree it shouldn't be the DSS that gets the room but given both the older kids are autistic, it's not unreasonable to start having some conversations about the future.

If neither older child will ever leave home, the younger ones are going to have to leave early if they don't want to spend their early 20s sharing with each other so some plans need to be put in place.

I think you can equally say the OP should potentially have thought more carefully about getting married if she didn't want to share her assets..

allmyliesaretrue · 02/05/2023 17:31

That's just a ludicrous suggestion on every level!

Camablanca · 02/05/2023 17:37

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 17:27

As I said in an earlier comment, this all needs discussing. I agree it shouldn't be the DSS that gets the room but given both the older kids are autistic, it's not unreasonable to start having some conversations about the future.

If neither older child will ever leave home, the younger ones are going to have to leave early if they don't want to spend their early 20s sharing with each other so some plans need to be put in place.

I think you can equally say the OP should potentially have thought more carefully about getting married if she didn't want to share her assets..

Show quote history

I agree, but I don't think the stepson is relevant either way. Even if the oldest moved out it's one of the other boys who should get the room. Not him.
I wonder why he wants to stay in his dad's overcrowded place more, instead of his mum's (which is quite the opposite?)

SquarePegInRoundHole · 02/05/2023 17:38

You've been together for 13 years+ I'm guessing? Surely the house is morally both of yours now? I'm not sure how you can pull that card?

Camablanca · 02/05/2023 17:38

mysonsmother82 · 02/05/2023 17:09

It's not ops job to provide for ss it's her husbands. If ops happy to have her children live at home until there 45 than that's her choice because it's her house.
Can't believe the nerve of her husband.

They're married. It's 'their' house. If OP didn't want to share maybe she should have remained a 'D'P?

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 17:43

Camablanca · 02/05/2023 17:37

I agree, but I don't think the stepson is relevant either way. Even if the oldest moved out it's one of the other boys who should get the room. Not him.
I wonder why he wants to stay in his dad's overcrowded place more, instead of his mum's (which is quite the opposite?)

Show quote history

I agree it's more relevant for the two DSs who live there full time but the DSS is also relevant as he contributes to the house being overcrowded.

I was mostly making this point in general because a few posters have said the DH has no right to ever ask about the older one moving out - I don't agree with that. I understand it may not ever be possible but they need to talk it out and decide how it's going to work because this many people in this size house isn't sustainable in the long term.

Perhaps the DSS actively likes a busier house? Though I do agree that I wouldn't want to spend more time there if I were him!

Confused5678 · 02/05/2023 17:45

Oh dear, you have a DH problem . Your allocation is perfectly okay .

Confused5678 · 02/05/2023 17:47

Nereides · 02/05/2023 17:14

Would I be right in guessing that DS1 is not DH’s son? Because I can’t see a man suggesting that his own autistic son should move out and cope on his own when he’s barely out of his teens. In fact he wants his own son, who based on what you’ve said has no disability at all, to have the room that belongs to your disabled son.

Honestly OP, open your eyes and see how he’s trying to treat your disabled child. For me this would be a deal breaker, I’d be giving him the boot.

This

Callyem · 02/05/2023 17:50

YANBU - it's fair.

CherryPiee · 02/05/2023 17:50

Why should your step son get priority over your 20 year old autistic son, who pays rent and works? And lives there full time?

It's actually quite vile. As another PP commented, be aware of how your DH is treating your oldest son. It is his home just as much as it is DH and SS. Why should he be guilted into leaving his home?

SapatSea · 02/05/2023 17:54

No way. Outrageous to expect your ASD DC to move on! CF wanting the room with the ensuite and his parents agreeing - you can see who rules teh roost in that family!
Do you have a downstairs through lounge you could put back into two rooms or another reception room that could be made into a bedroom for DSS or for you and DH and DSS have the box room you are in? I'd also put a shelving unit wall e.g. Kallax between DS 2 and DS 3 in the big bedroom if they don't get along.

LoobyDop · 02/05/2023 17:55

Even if your eldest son moved out, the fairest change would be to have a decent-sized room for you and your husband, a bigger room for the eldest at home (your daughter) and a room each for the younger boys who are there full time.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/05/2023 17:56

It's your damned house! Put this to bed and say no. If you give an inch they will take a mile. This is what works for all of you. Dss gets his own room at his mums for gods sake.

IsItThough · 02/05/2023 17:57

Totally and utterly unreasonable to expect your own room at weekends when two half siblings (closer in age and also not working/still at school) are sharing all the time.

They are comparing to the wrong young person - DSS situation is closer to the 13 and 11 year old than the 20 year old working, rent-paying adult.

woodhill · 02/05/2023 17:57

Soontobe60 · 02/05/2023 14:33

Well, I’d start by swapping your room for DS1s room. It’s ridiculous that you’re squashed into a box room in your own home. Then I’d suggest to DH that if he wants the DSS to have his own room he pulls his finger out and buy a bigger house.

Yea there's no way I would sleep in a box room if there were nicer rooms

pinkyredrose · 02/05/2023 17:58

Please don't let Dss use your son's bathroom, it's massively unfair, it's his personal space.

Dh can buy a new house if he wants.

Trez1510 · 02/05/2023 18:01

I'm still trying to get my head around what exactly the husband said when proposing this ......

"Here, love, now that I've done some decorating and paid some bills, I think it's time for your disabled (barely adult) child who works/pays rent to move out so my 'prince' can have the loft to himself for the 20% of the time he's here. Yeah, yeah, it's still cool for your two boys to share 100% of the time. Oh, and btw, his mother (the Queen B) agrees! We fully support our prince in his demands ...."

Is that how it went down?

I'd be suggesting (demanding) he find his own accommodation to house his own prince in future.

Smoky1107 · 02/05/2023 18:03

I wouldn't swap them. Your ss is only there at weekends so it would be a massive no.

itsgettingweird · 02/05/2023 18:04

Well on the face of it it seems the fairest way.

But I don't understand why you have the box and DD a room that seems bigger by description?

And if ds1 moves out then you move ds3 up there as he's the one suffering the most currently from this arrangement.

DSS shouldn't have a room to himself when he's there 6/30 and it's only a 4 bed with currently 7 people in it.
Even if you decrease to 6 he doesn't need his own space for 20% of the time.