To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

[roomallocations]

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

Absolutely no way I would be getting DS1 to give up his room.
additionally - it’s only 3 weekends a month and not full time so the need for his own room is ridiculous

Seems very fair to me. I wouldn't change anything.

This is the most fair allocation available as far as I can see. I, for one, would not upend the entire household for someone that is only there 6-8 days and nights per month.
Frankly, they are lucky to have a bedroom space and not just on a pullout couch or on an air mattress. Imagine thinking that you should get to take over an entire room that you only spend 1/4 of your nights in.

FFS if any man suggested that my 20year old moved out, I'd be packing his bags (the partners, not my sons).
What an entitled little sod the DSS sounds as well.

I was thinking something along the same lines as this!!! I just hope that OP doesn't allow herself to be bullied into doing something which I feel is unreasonable based on all the information she has given...It's simply not justifiable that the stepson's visits of only 6 days out of every month should take priority regarding the obviously already crowded accommodation and he should not be encouraged to disrupt the entire household...that both the parents are encouraging and in favour of this just does not sit well at all?!

Seems a fair set up to me. Have not read all 17 pages but has anyone suggested a bunk beds for the two boys who get on, with DSS getting the prime top bunk. Would also create some extra living space for all the lads.

I forgot to add that the eldest son is 20 years old and is employed which in my mind takes priority as a working adult over a schoolboy visiting part time!! 🙄😡

Sounds fair to me. No way should loft room son move. He's an adult, works and pays rent. Do you have a garden big enough for an insulated shed with window and electric for a light and heater ? I know plenty of folks who were moved into one at some point in teenage years and have very fond memories of the set up.

The current set up seems the fairest based on the current room configuration.
It does feel a little overcrowded but it is what it is - there is no fair scenario where someone living in the house part-time should get their own room over people who are there all the time. Obviously your stepson is used to having his own room when he is with his mum, but that isn't possible when with you, he just has to adjust.

My solution would be to do the partition that you previously suggested, but give the 'extra' room to your 11yo son. You said he doesn't get on with the other boys. This way, he and your 13yo would have their own rooms most of the time, and when your stepson came to stay he could share with the 13yo who he gets on well with. It wouldn't be his own room, but it would mean one less person to share with.

11yo could move in with 13yo when stepson comes to stay if he needed his own room that badly (which I don't think he does), but it really doesn't seem fair for people living in the house full time to have to move around to accommodate someone there less than 1/4 of the time, plus it seems most logical for two boys who get on really well to be the ones to share.

this

I’d be tempted to tell H and SS to go and find themselves somewhere that suits their exacting standards 😂

Agree with all - it's not fair to expect someone paying rent to share. Plus he is working and he is eldest. He needs to keep his room
and he is actually too young to move out with ASD

It’s fair.

I think your current set up is the only way to do it really.

alternatively, could your ds that doesn’t seem to get on as well with the stepson - sleep in his older brothers attic room whilst oldest son is at work on the weekends ss visits?
(personally I don’t think this is the answer but it’s the only other suggestion viable )

So basically your husband and his ex want their child,who is only there at weekends,to have preferential treatment over all other kids ( who are there full time) and a rent paying young man. It would be grossly unfair to your other children to be crammed up whilst ss has his own room that goes unused most of the time.
No you are being perfectly reasonable I’m assuming that ss has his own room at mums, so it’s hardly as if he’s not got his own space ever and has that space for study during the week.
I would also add though that I think you and your husband should have the larger room and en-suite,it’s daft you being in a box room when there’s two of you. Your eldest son may need more help but he clearly functions well enough to hold down a full time job ,so at least should be reasonable enough to accept having a smaller room for just sleeping in and if he doesn’t like it ,then he could consider moving out.
Right now it’s clearly perceived that he’s getting preferential treatment , moving yourself to the loft room would allay this .

The house is mine and feel like I’m being dictated to.

it’s ridiculous giving someone their room and the en suite if they only stay 6 nights a month… leaving it sat empty 24/25 days a month!!!

If anyone different was getting the loft I’d say either you and Dh should have it or the only girl in the house.. as she’d benefit most from having her own bathroom!
even if your son did move out I’d make it very clear to your husband that in that scenario DD would have the room upstairs and her own bathroom to give her piece away from the all boys! And then DSS would have the box room…..
there’s literally no circumstance that would arrive that would justify step son having the loft room … what a waste that would be…

Also I would not have it dictated to me that my son should move out…. I would end that discussion straight away and tell DH to drop the subject’ & also make it clear that DSS isn’t a priority for his own room since it’s for such a small chunk of the month!!

Like I say, I’d make it very clear that if/when DS1 moved out, the loft room will become daughters as she will benefit most from it as she reaches adulthood.

Also why is the house yours?? Surely once married the house becomes his too? Or is it council and only in your name?

I really tried to follow , but OMG I dot dizzy reading that with that amount of kids hehehehe.
one comment If The 20 year old pays for his room he keeps the biggest, end of.

Ds1 (20)
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)
It is totally unreasonable to expect a 20 year old to share with a 13 & 11 year old, regardless of whether he works, pays rent etc…. He needs his own room!

DSS may only be your 13 & 11 year olds half brother … but your 20 year old is also only their half brother….

DSS has his own room at home and quite frankly it doesn’t kill him to share 3 weekends a month!!

He’s seen a room and demanded it’s ‘not fair’ and that he wants that room WTAF!!!!!! Tell your step son, husband and his ex that DSS has his own room at his own home!…. This house is your children’s home and you oldest 2 have their own rooms and that’s the end of the discussion! Your husband is being totally unreasonable expecting his son to have his own private room and bathroom for 6 days a month!

If DSS doesn’t like the current arrangement then he goes back to 2 weekends a month or doesn’t stay overnight!!

when DS1 moves out DD gets the loft space, DS3 get the box room as he doesn’t like the others and DS2 and DSS share. I would be making it very clear there’s never a scenario where he gets his own room as this isn’t his full time home.

The SS Sounds incredibly spoilt and I wouldn’t let him use the en suite in your sons room ever again!!

It’s a pity that you married DH, legally now half the house is his and if he leaves, unless his pension is worth more than the house, he could really screw you over. I own my house now, I will never marry again for this very reason. Sad to have to think like that, but until prenups are legal in the U.K. we have to be careful when we own property out right

I don't think it matters who's house it is. The room allocation is as good as it's going to get.

Why would you insist that an adult (he's 19) share with young children? Especially one who works shifts and will be in and out of the house at odd times, also sleeping at odd hours, which means the other children won't be able to use their rooms during the day. All this disruption so a child can use the attic room for 20% of the year - the rest of the time it will be empty!

Sounds like your dh is being very blinkered and probably has parental guilt towards your DSS, and he's not thinking straight.

That room allocation makes perfect sense.

Why would you have a room sat empty, all bar 3 weekends a month when you have other kids to accommodate on a permanent basis.

Seems its just been decided your 20 year old is a target because he isn't your partners and they're creating an allegiance to manipulate you. No to that.

Current set up is fine, especially when DSS isn't here full time and has his own room at his mum's!
To compromise, is there a way the big bedroom could be split to give him his own space? Not talking massive makeover but just like a large IKEA shelving unit or similar?

I'd simply adore to know why husband and ex-wife think that ex-wife's opinion has any possible relevance to how things go in your house. . .

DSS already has the option of his own room - at her house. One of the compromises that he needs to make when he comes to your house, due to the number of occupants, is to share a bedroom. For 4-6 nights. Cry me a bloody river.

The set up you have is the best and most fair possible. If DSS doesn't like it, he can go back to 2 w/e at Mum's and 2 w/e at Dad's.

It’s understandable that DSS would like his own room. But you don’t have a big enough house for that. Simple as.

It's a little bit 6 of one and half a dozen other.

Given your current living situation it is the fairest allocation of rooms (although I do agree with some posters that you/DD should have the loft instead - but that's minuscule in the grand scheme)

However, the way you talk on this thread and your whole attitude of 'it's my house' and 'apparently because DH has contributed to bills and renovations he had a day' and 'DSS is playing a card' (paraphrasing all), is quite disgusting and I can see how could cause resentment given the set up.

As you're the one giving your POV it's clear why the room allocations are as is. However your insistence that your DS pays rent, when it then transpired it's a pittance amount, way below market value, whilst you still insist it's such a factor, is definitely misleading. You sound like you don't like your DSS very much and I wouldn't be shocked if it comes across in everyday life. And this magnifies the perceived unfairness of the situation.

So yes, the room allocation is fair given your current set up. However you have chosen to blend families, start acting like it rather than an 'us vs them'. Stop treating the house as yours and start working towards a plan that works for the whole family.