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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 21:00

Bookworm20 · 03/05/2023 10:51

So what happens when the younger children reach the age the older child had their own room, or even adulthood, and the eldest child is still there?

I imagine most people would simply revisit the situation and see what options there are at that time. And if absolutely nothing can be changed, they continue to share. Unfortunate, but thats life.

I agree. Life is not always fair and DS1 and DD1 have a disability, which is not a secret. NSDH should have thought, before moving into his now wife's house, that it would, at some point, get crowded. It's not going to change now, just because he wants to play Disney Daddy.

Callixte · 03/05/2023 21:11

Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!!

Are DS2 and DS3 with you 100% or splitting time with another parent (sorry, not sure if they're yours from a prev relationship or yours with current H)? If they are living with you most/all of the time, it wouldn't make sense to give DS1's room to DSS even if DS1 moved out - it would make the most sense for it to go to your daughter if she wants it or to DS2. Or maybe DS3 so DS2 has the larger room and shares with DSS since they get along better.

It would be great if all 5 could have a room of their own, but there just isn't space in the house. If the original complaint was that the bathroom's too busy, can others use DS1's en suite more regularly?

thekindlyone · 03/05/2023 21:15

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 17:10

You said that it's unfair for the younger boys to share a room regardless of how serious his autism is.

Yes, meaning more that I think they should be looking into other options rather than just expecting the younger one's to share into adulthood if DS1 is not likely to move out anytime soon.

Especially if you're the kind of person who would have considered it very important for your eldest child to have space to themselves at that age, which it seems many are.

So if the dear canr share and can't move out then what do you suggest?

Blueink · 03/05/2023 21:15

I don’t see why DS1 should have to move out and you have explained why DD needs the small quiet room.

It seems the extra weekend isn’t working? If he still wants to, he needs to accept he won’t have his own room.

Can you divide the shared room so there is natural light coming over the room divider as a compromise? Preferably a divider that is easily moved and not a permanent structure. It give him a completely self contained room, but suggest that’s the best solution.

Blueink · 03/05/2023 21:16

*won’t

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/05/2023 21:48

The way it is now is totally fair and reasonable. Somebody had to share so the eldest gets his own room, the only girl gets her own room and DH’s 3 youngest share. It’s totally fine. It’s the only way to do it. How could DS 20 bring a friend or partner home to a room he shares with little brothers, that’s just silly.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 22:15

So if the dear canr share and can't move out then what do you suggest?

If possible, moving house, extending, or some kind of garden pod as others have suggested.

But hat I was saying had less to do with what they should do about it, as the different attitudes towards first children and younger children. There just doesn't seem to be any recognition that they need the same things the oldest child is considered to need or that this situation is less than ideal for them.

thekindlyone · 03/05/2023 22:32

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 22:15

So if the dear canr share and can't move out then what do you suggest?

If possible, moving house, extending, or some kind of garden pod as others have suggested.

But hat I was saying had less to do with what they should do about it, as the different attitudes towards first children and younger children. There just doesn't seem to be any recognition that they need the same things the oldest child is considered to need or that this situation is less than ideal for them.

And if they can't afford to move or extend or get a garden pod, as many people can't?

They don't need the same thing as the oldest child. Because the oldest child is autistic. .

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 22:44

*And if they can't afford to move or extend or get a garden pod, as many people can't?

They don't need the same thing as the oldest child. Because the oldest child is autistic.*

Like I said, it's not really about what they can do practically. It might not be possible to do anything. I'm talking about the attitudes. In my opinion, ASD aside, many of the people here saying it's fine if 3 DC have to share indefinitely would not be saying the same if it were the eldest child.

lulublue32 · 03/05/2023 22:50

I think the set up you have is reasonable and Dss is fine. Does he have his own room at his mum’s house?
the only possibility is to have a sofa bed in a downstairs room? Do you have a dining room?

Sillymummy295 · 03/05/2023 23:03

Cannot believe ppl are suggesting the child who doesn't permanently reside in the home has the right to a private space in a home that he lives in 6 days out of 30 🤣🤣

thekindlyone · 03/05/2023 23:08

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 22:44

*And if they can't afford to move or extend or get a garden pod, as many people can't?

They don't need the same thing as the oldest child. Because the oldest child is autistic.*

Like I said, it's not really about what they can do practically. It might not be possible to do anything. I'm talking about the attitudes. In my opinion, ASD aside, many of the people here saying it's fine if 3 DC have to share indefinitely would not be saying the same if it were the eldest child.

Right, so you're just speculating about what people might say if the situation were totally different based on nothing at all, and not giving the OP any actual suggestions.

Fansandblankets · 03/05/2023 23:08

It’s complete fair. Only thing I would change is that you have the loft room and your eldest has the box room. Absolutely ridiculous that the one child who only stays at weekends gets his own room. He has his own room at his mums house.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 23:20

Right, so you're just speculating about what people might say if the situation were totally different based on nothing at all, and not giving the OP any actual suggestions.

I did offer suggestions in my initial comment. Since then, I have speculated on a wider point based on what I have seen on this thread, that I am only still discussing now because people have queried what I put. Is that ok with you?

Diagonalley96 · 03/05/2023 23:57

I think the current set up is fair but if it’s causing this much grief i would look at repurposing another room like the dining room if you can.

Liorae · 04/05/2023 00:31

Diagonalley96 · 03/05/2023 23:57

I think the current set up is fair but if it’s causing this much grief i would look at repurposing another room like the dining room if you can.

I think that's a ridiculous solution for 6 nights a month.

allhailthebrain · 04/05/2023 01:09

This thread is quite a read!

I absolutely cannot fathom how your DH can even suggest his son getting the loft room - for any number of reasons! But just pure common sense says anyone who is only in the house for 6 nights a month isn't going to have a private room over others who live there full time. It doesn't matter what your ex or your 15yo son think, it just makes zero sense in any way. And that's before you look at the fact your DS1 pays rent and works nights, and needs space for other reasons.
As to when DS1 might move out - well that's for you, him and (depending on your family dynamics) his dad/stepdad maybe to contribute to discussions about. None of us know enough to comment on that - financially or capability based etc. It's irrelevant to this discussion because if he moved out tomorrow this would still be a ridiculous idea for the space!

On a separate note, while I can understand you thinking of it as your home in your head, I'm assuming it is in fact your marital home - and you've been together at least 14 years... As others have quite rightly said, if this was a woman coming on saying her husband still said it was his home and just because she paid some bills and redecorated, didn't make it her home - everyone would be up in arms! So that does feel a bit odd. Maybe it's just the way it's come across here.
However, as a result of his daft idea/backing of DSS and the audacity of him to suggest he might have anything to do with the home you live in (yes I'm being sarcastic) - a good percentage of replied have you practically divorced by the end of the month! Which might be just a tad OTT, there's been no mention of them being in marital trouble. I hope you aren't, that he is just being a total about this particular issue and in a day or two he will realise and apologise. I know I've been married 20 years and had a blazing row with my DH the other day over our own DS1 - and he eventually realised he was being unfair and apologised. All well, just a row. Hopefully the same for you here. Put your foot down and make it clear this isn't an ongoing discussion. No. The end.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 04/05/2023 02:32

So you DH wants to force your eldest son to move out or share with teenagers just so his own son who lives there part time can have his own room?

Your 20 year old works and pays rent.
Your DH has shot down alternatives.
Your ‘D’ H is being a difficult dick.

Tell them it’s fair how it is, end of. Stand your ground!!

Mumof32017 · 04/05/2023 17:56

If he won’t consider partitioning the room of 3 then that’s his problem. Absolutely no way should your oldest son be shoe horned out of his room that he pays rent on, for it to be empty save 6 nights a month. Your husband and ex are taking the piss.

Seagull97 · 04/05/2023 17:58

WotNoUserName · 02/05/2023 14:32

I would suggest he moves out and finds a place where his son can have his own room if he doesn't like any of your suggestions.

Agree. No bloody way would I be dictated to like that in my own house. The kid is only there for a few days a month. How it is is completely fair. Anything else is pandering to DSS.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 04/05/2023 18:00

The way you've got it set up is most appropriate tbh especialy with the ages and asd HOWEVER if the rooms allow you can do some pretty clever things with a few IKEA Kallax unit

caringcarer · 04/05/2023 18:18

You are being fair. It is important your eldest son who pays you rent has his own room. You should not let any of his siblings or step sibling in his room. That is invading his privacy. If he had not seen the room he would not have asked for it. DH should not be telling you to throw out your eldest son. I would be telling DH if anyone goes it will be him. DSS just has to suck it up.

RobinStrike · 04/05/2023 18:33

The allocation as you have it is fair, especially as DSS has his own room in his mother's house, which is more than your DS2 and DS3 have. He has room to keep belongings there. He must accept that he's not entitled to more space than his brothers, especially when he's only there 6 days a month.

Loopyaboutmy2boys · 04/05/2023 18:36

You are being reasonable. Your step son is an entitled brat IMO and your husband shouldn’t be encouraging it. DSS has his own bedroom and as much space as he wants at his Mums house. To expect your 20 year old son to share a room 24/7 with 2 younger siblings just so DSS can have a second bedroom all to himself 6 days a month is a joke. Never mind taking into account that DS1 has ASD and works nights and that he pays rent too! If it was that bad DSS wouldn’t be asking to do 4 weekends a month instead of 3. Stand firm. If sharing is so bad, tell him he can save up his money and buy a tent and sleep in the garden instead because you can’t magic another room and you absolutely shouldn’t change your arrangements just because he is jealous!

croydon15 · 04/05/2023 18:41

Your husband is nasty and unreasonable trying to push your 20 old son out of his home, he is paying rent and has a job so he is doing well and no doubt needs support not throwing him out on the street. 20 years old is still very young and lots of youngsters stay at home until their 30s if your dss wants more space then stay with his mother and just visit for the day, don't put up with this suggestion