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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
GOW56 · 02/05/2023 18:18

You’ve got too many people living in one house.
They haven't, they are coping fine it's just the SS , ex wife and husband who have caused the issue by insisting SS has his own room which is ridiculous.
There is no reason why the boys can't share.
And your children don't stop being your children just because they are 20. He has ASD and will take longer to be independent.

adarkbarking · 02/05/2023 18:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2023 15:39

Yes my house, but apparently it counts that he has contributed to all bills and decorating / any work done etc etc so he thinks he has a say

I would be careful with this one. He thinks your house is becoming his house.

As the OP calls him her DH, not her DP, it is his house too, however she thinks of it.

He's still wrong about DSS needing the loft room, though. If I were the OP, I'd move in there myself and give DS1 the box room. I know he's paying rent, but he'll never want to move out if he has the best bedroom with his own bathroom.

Godlovesall26 · 02/05/2023 18:22

It sounds perfectly fair to me. There isn’t any magic other way.

I wouldn’t be thrilled about the way your DH speaks about your DS1, from the way you speak it sounds like it hasn’t been an easy journey and you’re very rightfully happy he’s come so far along (apologies if I’m assuming), don’t ever let anyone get into the way of that. It’s completely understandable at 20, working and contributing, he should still benefit from the safety of the family home. Maybe at some point he will want to re train a short while or switch to days, and these transitions are better done at home with ASD, you’re building the foundation for his future right now.

The boys can have less high partitions if windows are the issue, as in half height from ceiling, they can decorate their space.

I’d make sure DS3 understands the most tbh, he sounds like the one being a little isolated by the brothers, not DSS

Blueblell · 02/05/2023 18:23

I think it’s pretty standard that the youngest have to share

Nevermind31 · 02/05/2023 18:24

I mean, after 14 years (if your oldest joint child is 13) I think it is fair to say that it is your joint home.
But I can’t see why someone who is home part time should ever trump anyone living there full time. So even if DS1 moves out DS2 will get his room. I really don’t understand why OH puts his oldest above his younger children. Did you ask your husband how he is going to make it fair to DS2?

Crumpleton · 02/05/2023 18:26

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room

Two of these 3 people would definitely not be telling me how room allocation is unfair especially when DSS isn't a full time resident at yours.

Your eldest DS works odd hours therefore needs a room of his own, especially as the others are probably still at school and may possibly want to spend time in their bedroom when on school holidays.
Not ideal to share if DS1 needs to sleep before going to work.

Wellhowdeedoo · 02/05/2023 18:31

Sounds fair to me.
It’s got absolutely nothing to do with DSS’ mum, and I hope your DH isn’t being a spineless twerp because of her opinion.

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 18:31

It’s outrageous that your husband, his ex, and their son are trying to push your eldest son out of your own home. Absolutely not. You are more than fair already and stepson is being treated equally by you already. He is a brat, trying to take over the loft room and en-suite. Your husband is being an ass.

Do not give in. Stand up for your eldest. He is paying rent, he is working, he is doing well.

Look forward to the day hopefully soon when stepson is 18 and can “move out” like your ‘d’ h maliciously said about your son.

Jem57 · 02/05/2023 18:31

Not a chance would I do this to Ds1,no way.

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 18:33

It would be very evil to let them do this to your son.

RafaistheKingofClay · 02/05/2023 18:37

BreviloquentBastard · 02/05/2023 15:06

I grew up in a big family where we all shared for a bit and I remember when I had a moan about it to my mum she put up a tent in the garden and told me to have at it. Maybe send him some links to tents? (Probably don't actually do this, your post just reminded me of my mum's solution and made me laugh)

😂.

I think that’s the sort of thing you can get away with for your own children but not step children with out being accused of hating them.

Therealjudgejudy · 02/05/2023 18:38

Well the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Your stepson must get his entitled attitude from his dad...

NumberTheory · 02/05/2023 18:46

I think you arranging things so you two have the absolute worse room sets a bad precedent. I can sort of see why you’d give DS1 the ensuite - if he’s working nights it might be best for everyone if he has the most remote room. But your DD should be in the box room, not you guys.

Presumably, given the ages, only DSS is DH’s kid? The rest he’s just step-dad to?

He’s advocating for you treating his son, who is only at the house part time, to the best room in the house. And suggesting you kick your older son out to allow this. This is a red flag to me. How long have you been married? How much does he contribute to your finances?

I just wouldn’t entertain the suggestion of DSS getting his own room. I would say we can consider ways to improve the situation in the shared bedroom, but there aren’t enough rooms for DSS to have his own and there is no way you are asking your own son to leave in these circumstances.

Runnerduck34 · 02/05/2023 18:48

Its fair, DS1 lives there all the time pays rent and has a disability which makes sharing difficult. although to tbf i would be tempted to put him in smaller room and have large room for me and DH ! but i can see nightshifts could be problematic. DD is only girl and teenage girls cant really share with brothers, she also lives there all the time and has a disability which would make sharing awkward , younger 2 DSs are closest in age so can share, DSS will have to share with them when he visits. Of course everyone would like their own room but its not always possible. Your current arrangement is fair.
If you have a second reception room like a dining room or study maybe a sofa bed could be put in there for DSS use, otherwise he will just have to share. Stand your ground

Tumbleweed101 · 02/05/2023 18:49

The only thing that sounded unreasonable was you have the box room! I would do same as your current set up.

NumberTheory · 02/05/2023 18:50

adarkbarking · 02/05/2023 18:19

As the OP calls him her DH, not her DP, it is his house too, however she thinks of it.

He's still wrong about DSS needing the loft room, though. If I were the OP, I'd move in there myself and give DS1 the box room. I know he's paying rent, but he'll never want to move out if he has the best bedroom with his own bathroom.

Show quote history

Your property does not automatically become your spouses when you marry. It’s still OP’s house unless she’s given him ownership. And if it hasn’t been a long marriage, even in divorce the courts probably won’t consider it as an asset to be split between them unless he’s put money into it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 18:58

They are being ridiculous and you’re not U at all.

They can completely jog on with the idea of swapping a child who is there only 6 nights a month into the best room on his own.

Whereas your DS1 works, pays rent, is the oldest and has ASD.

And it’s your house to boot!

diddl · 02/05/2023 18:59

Why does your husband think that that particular son should get a room of his own?

Because he's the oldest of his?

Because he ex says so?

Because he fears him staying less?

nofusspot · 02/05/2023 18:59

Sorry but a working adult needs sleep

CwmYoy · 02/05/2023 19:00

Best thing is to close down discussion and say things stay as they are and refuse to discuss it further.

DH seems to have swallowed a stupid pill.

AlmostWife · 02/05/2023 19:00

It's a fair allocation of rooms for now BUT you need a bigger house, or for your DS1 to start talking about moving out (not immediately, but in the next few years you'll have 3 x older teenage boys in one room and sharing will be a real struggle). I don't think you can say it's just your house though, your DH has contributed towards it and you've been together a long time. I'd be annoyed if you pulled the 'it's my house' card, even if in this instance you are right that DSS shouldn't get the loft room.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 19:01

I’d be getting rid of the husband if he carries on with all of this.

His decorating and paying for other bills counts for nothing.

The fact you’re married could give him a claim but it’s a short marriage and you have no children together so I think he’d get short shrift in a divorce court.

Dibbydoos · 02/05/2023 19:06

That is outrageous and I'd be pissed off if anyone suggesting a person with ASD moves out so a part timer can move in.

F them! Be really strong on this, your DS needs you more than you know even if he's working. Yoyr DH sounds like a wimp, sorry but he does. Wtf does he mean when us he moving out?! Not for several years until he is able to live alone would be my answer. And you need your DH on side otherwise your DS will get nibbled and pressured to move out. 🤬

I know all this cos my DS has ASD. He's 20 has the top floor in our house (it's actually the master suite) and it is good for him. Gives him a good degree of independence and noone goes u there to bother him except the dogs to check on him, lol!

My DD and I have half the floor space he has, but we all have out own bathrooms so it works. If anyone comes to visit they get the sofa bed in the lounge, lol! Your SDS may feel he needs his own space, which may mean you pop a cabin in the back garden that he uses as his own space, assuming that's affordable....

amiold · 02/05/2023 19:07

AlmostWife · 02/05/2023 19:00

It's a fair allocation of rooms for now BUT you need a bigger house, or for your DS1 to start talking about moving out (not immediately, but in the next few years you'll have 3 x older teenage boys in one room and sharing will be a real struggle). I don't think you can say it's just your house though, your DH has contributed towards it and you've been together a long time. I'd be annoyed if you pulled the 'it's my house' card, even if in this instance you are right that DSS shouldn't get the loft room.

Why does the oldest son need to move out? He doesn't have a partner, probably can't afford to move out, pays rent, isn't a nuisance.. lots of adults live at home and he's not exactly old is he, pretty much just become an adult and still finding his way. It was his home full time before dss decided he wants his room

AlmostWife · 02/05/2023 19:14

amiold · 02/05/2023 19:07

Why does the oldest son need to move out? He doesn't have a partner, probably can't afford to move out, pays rent, isn't a nuisance.. lots of adults live at home and he's not exactly old is he, pretty much just become an adult and still finding his way. It was his home full time before dss decided he wants his room

Show quote history

Because the house isn't big enough for five children + the parents in four rooms.

I moved out when I was 19 for the same reason. Sure, lots of adults live at home, but that only works when there's space.