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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
amiold · 02/05/2023 16:41

Do not upset your kids to please someone else's. Oldest son should have his own room. As should the only girl. The rest should share, that's life. Dh and his ex sound very controlling.. but they don't get to control you in your home and your kids shouldn't suffer to please them or bratty step son. Step son doesn't live with you, he stays over so why would he have his own room.

amiold · 02/05/2023 16:42

Also how has he never seen the room until now??

sashagabadon · 02/05/2023 16:43

Give yourself the top room, ds can move into yours and then everyone has roughly the same amount of space. Problem solved. No way would I be in the smaller room in my own house!

HikingforScenery · 02/05/2023 16:44

They think 15 year old DSS should swap with 20 year old DS? I laughed at how ridiculous that request is!
Your current arrangement is fair.

If the boys’ room can be divided in any way at all, then sure.

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 16:44

drspouse · 02/05/2023 16:34

You don't know that elephant - she could have shared with both of the younger boys until she was 10 - so she's only had her own space for 5 years out of her 15.

That's possible, I think it's unlikely though. Even if that is the case, she has still had a better deal than her younger brothers who have always shared.

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 16:50

While I don't think it should be done in favour of giving DSS the room, I actually don't think it is outrageous for your DH to be asking about when DS will move out.

You have 6 children in a 4 bedroom house, if none of the kids leave when they get to adulthood, it's not very sustainable or fair on your younger children. Even in 5 years time, is it going to work to have a 16 year old, 18 year old and visiting 20 year old all in one room while your older two are still living with you?

Asformending · 02/05/2023 16:52

DH needs to build an extension or move house to accommodate all the children of the family.

JustRingJoeDuffy · 02/05/2023 16:54

I'd suggest swopping with DS1 so he has the box room, and none of the children have their own en-suite. It would also take some of the pressure off the main bathroom if there are two people now using the en-suite instead of just one.
However, if DS1 is a light sleeper and needs to sleep during the day, that mightn't work out. I don't see any problem with DSS sharing a room, so long as he has his own bed and space, which he does.

Whammyyammy · 02/05/2023 16:58

Your house, your decision.

Ds1 is the eldest, he works shifts, pays rent, so keeps his room.
Dd is only girl, therefore keeps smallest room.
DS2, DS3 and DSS in buggers room is only fairest option.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 02/05/2023 16:58

I think you just need to stand your ground and say it’s not happening. Your DSS is only with you for a few days every month, it’s seems ridiculous to give him his own room as the space will just go wasted when he is at his mums.

Ruffpuff · 02/05/2023 17:00

You’ve got too many people living in one house. Your 20 year old son needs to find his own place, regardless of where DSS goes. The difference is that your 20 year old ds is an adult and the others in the house are still children and need to be prioritised.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 02/05/2023 17:01

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 16:50

While I don't think it should be done in favour of giving DSS the room, I actually don't think it is outrageous for your DH to be asking about when DS will move out.

You have 6 children in a 4 bedroom house, if none of the kids leave when they get to adulthood, it's not very sustainable or fair on your younger children. Even in 5 years time, is it going to work to have a 16 year old, 18 year old and visiting 20 year old all in one room while your older two are still living with you?

But the older two both have ASD and that makes a huge difference to when they might be able to live independently, some people with ASD will need assisted living, it’s not as simple as them just moving out once they have reached adulthood.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2023 17:02

Your current set-up is absolutely fine.

Your DH can stump up the costs of a bigger house if he's unhappy.

Fidgety31 · 02/05/2023 17:03

It’s not your house. You’re married . It’s your husbands home too.
if you were a man saying this you would be getting very different type of replies !

regarding the rooms - I’d tell the step son to sleep on a sofa bed if he doesn’t like sharing when he visits

Summerpetal · 02/05/2023 17:03

It’s completely fair how you have it
I slept on a pull out bed in the lounge when I stayed at my dads ,and that was ok ,as I had a bedroom at my mums ,as indeed does Dss.
don’t let your husband push your adult son out

NoSquirrels · 02/05/2023 17:03

Ds1 works nights and pays rent
That’s why he gets the en-suite loft room. Case closed.

DS1 is effectively a lodger, and so he gets suitable accommodation if he’s paying his way.

DSS and your DP sound ridiculously entitled.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 02/05/2023 17:03

@Ruffpuff her eldest has ASD, I don’t think it’s that simple!

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 17:04

LumpySpaceGoddess · 02/05/2023 17:01

But the older two both have ASD and that makes a huge difference to when they might be able to live independently, some people with ASD will need assisted living, it’s not as simple as them just moving out once they have reached adulthood.

Show quote history

Of course it would be unreasonable to demand they move out but I don't think asking about it and starting to think about it is totally unreasonable. Because it is going to have an impact on the younger ones. If the older two absolutely can't ever live independently, the reality is that pushes out the younger ones earlier than they might have otherwise wanted. It's reasonable to start having the conversation is all I meant

GlitteryGreen · 02/05/2023 17:07

Na this is silly. On age alone your Ds1 should keep his room, a 20yo man can't be expected to share with an 11 and 13yo so a 15yo can have more space?!!

neslop · 02/05/2023 17:09

Ruffpuff · 02/05/2023 17:00

You’ve got too many people living in one house. Your 20 year old son needs to find his own place, regardless of where DSS goes. The difference is that your 20 year old ds is an adult and the others in the house are still children and need to be prioritised.

This would be very harsh on a 20 year old, even without ASD. I'm so glad you're not my parent.

mysonsmother82 · 02/05/2023 17:09

It's not ops job to provide for ss it's her husbands. If ops happy to have her children live at home until there 45 than that's her choice because it's her house.
Can't believe the nerve of her husband.

Nobsandnockers · 02/05/2023 17:10

Your CF DSS didn’t fall far from CFDHs tree!

I think this silly fuckery would make me go down the rabbit warren route. Divide the boys’ room more imaginatively to give the boys some privacy and light- use google to create pods which sort of surround the boys- a bit like a snail shell.

Paq · 02/05/2023 17:10

YANBU. The current room allocation sounds fine.

BarbedButterfly · 02/05/2023 17:12

OP has already said they can't have the en suite room as she can't do the stairs. I also assume there is a possibility that oldest DS will disturb his brothers when he comes in really late as well so even if he could sleep in while they are at school that would be a problem. Plus what happens in school holidays?

Nah, DSS has to share.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 02/05/2023 17:13

What possible reasoning can he have for thinking his son who’s there 6 days a month should have the room over your 20yr old who lives there full time and pays rent (not that that’s relevant)? If you had another room it should be ds3 getting it, but you don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️Does it bother him that the other 2 who live there full time and don’t get on have to share?
And it’s your house? I assume your sons house before you moved him in? He’s a cf!! Please don’t let him make your son feel like he has to move out. 20 is very young.
So dss saw the room, decided he wanted it and now both his parents think you should just hand it to him. Sounds like a less than ideal set up.

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