To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

[roomallocations]

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

Why should he get his own room over the 20 year old who works and pays rent? Makes no sense to me. He's there 6 days out of 30. Your current set up seems fairest.

I think the way you have done it is fair to everyone.

DS1 is working and paying rent so is entitled to a bit of grown up privacy up in the loft.

I might put your daughter into the tiny box room and you and DH in the small bedroom, just because there are two of you and one of her.

I don't see any issue at all with the three boys of a similar age sharing a big room together. You can sell it to them as a boys studio apartment sort of thing. Is there another area in the house that could be set up as a games area or homework area, so that the bedroom is more of a chill out/sleeping space?

There isn't room for your stepson to have his own space. Having him sharing puts him on equal footing with the other two boys, surely your DH wants him to be treated equally so he's just part of the family, rather than singled out?

Tough, just because he wants something doesn't mean he gets to displace someone else to get it. Say no and mean it.

Looks fine to me. No way should Ds1 move out to give DSS a room.

DH can pay for an exnt?

DSS is 15 I doubt very much is 'fair' at that age! But no I wouldn't go moving them around.

It's 2 night a week, makes no sense for DS1 to lose his room.

Is the loft room is bigger? Would there be more scope for partition up there? It might make more sense for the 3 boys sharing to go up there and it would redistribute the bathrooms more evenly too. But I agree that there’s no scenario that would allow DSS his own room- DS1 as a shift working adult living there FT and DD as the only girl need it more than he does. Alternatively could you offer DSS a sofa bed in the lounge if he doesn’t like sharing? Doesn’t get him his own room, because that’s not an option but he would get his own sleep space.

YANBU - I don't see how things can be reallocated.
But you are married. It doesn't matter who originally bought the house. or who contributes bills etc. It belongs to both of you now.
If a woman had posted 'DH doesn't think I should get a say in 'his' house' the entire thread would be full of LTB.

I grew up in a big family where we all shared for a bit and I remember when I had a moan about it to my mum she put up a tent in the garden and told me to have at it. Maybe send him some links to tents? (Probably don't actually do this, your post just reminded me of my mum's solution and made me laugh)

Totally fair and appropriate based on ages, genders, how much they're in the house, when they're awake and who pays their way!

Stick to your guns they'll get over it and everyone will be content in the long run!

No one wants to be tiptoeing around a sleeping 20 year old and your daughter definitely needs her own space. Very sensible all round.

It feels fair. DS needs his own room as is working/sleeping at unusual times. He’s also of an age where he might have a girlfriend/boyfriend to stay overnight and clearly can’t do this if sharing!

the other boys are all secondary school age so will have to share. DSS not there full time so unless you can magic new bedrooms it’s really just hard luck.

Current setup is fair!

I sounds like a fair arrangement especially as you own the house.

I agree it sounds fair, and the only possible compromise would be to swap the big room and the loft room entirely and purely for bathroom reasons.

But I'm guessing there's not room in the loft for 3 beds/bits and pieces and then he'd complain that DS1 got the huge room instead.

So your DH, his son and his ex, who appears to have 3 weekends a month child free, are dictating to you , in YOUR house?
You need to stand firm on this, there are too many full time occupants in the house to be able to have one bedroom empty for most of the time.
Assuming DSS has his own room at his mother's house, I would be suggesting he uses it a bit more!!

Just tell DSS that you'll consider his request when/if DS1 moves out. In the meantime he can continue to share as he has always done and to be grateful that for the majority of his life he has a room to himself (at his mum's) unlike the other 2 boys who have to share all the time.

The only thing that's not fair about the current set up is your DD having a bigger room than you, but you seem fair and intelligent, and I assume there is a reason for that, so I'm not going to get on you for it.

Your DSS is being a spoiled pain in the ass and I would nip this shit in the bud with him, but more importantly your husband. It is your house - your rent paying, disabled son is not moving out or giving up his private space so someone who is there 5% of the month can feel like King Shit. I would go all the way to divorce over this if I had to. He's telling you that only his son matters, not your children, separate or together. I personally couldn't stay with a man like that, but I'm not going to LTB over it, unless he continues to put one child over the other four.

Ds 1 is a working adult so needs his own room.

Dd is an adolescent female so needs her own room

The boys are closer in age and should share, especially as dss is only there weekends.

Your current arrangement works best. Your step son never had an issue before. I definitely wouldn't let him use your son's bathroom. It's not a shared space it's his ensuite.

DSS is there 6 days of 30 (ish).... And they expect him to have his own room? A room that would then be empty 24 (ish) days of the month!! Nah....wouldnt be happening.

It's fair how it is....ds1 is working and paying rent , needs sleep during the day so needs the space.

What isn't fair is that your DH thinks ds1 should be moving out now.... Tell him that if D's does move out then dd will be moving in there as she will need privacy from brothers....so there won't be a time that DSS will have one of the bigger rooms to himself as it's a waste to have a big room empty for such long periods of time.

Yes my house, but apparently it counts that he has contributed to all bills and decorating / any work done etc etc so he thinks he has a say

I would be careful with this one. He thinks your house is becoming his house.

So the suggestion is that your DS’s all share one room while your DSS has his own room at his mums, and at yours? LOL

Unless a partition is used, there is no fair way for your DSS to get his own room. Your DS is 20, pays rent, and needs to sleep due the day (and suggesting your son should move out of his own house would be a huge red flag for me). Your DD couldn’t be expected to share with her brothers at her age, even without considering her ASD.

As long as he has a proper bed and an equal say over decor etc in his room, there is nothing wrong with your current set up. He might want his own room, he doesn’t need it.

15 year olds can be unreasonable. That’s not an issue, their brains are still developing. It’s your husband who is acting like an arse here.

If dh thinks the house isn’t big enough he should move out until dss is old enough he doesn’t want to live with him anymore. Tbh dss is being very entitled.