To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

[roomallocations]

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

Plenty of people have pointed out the husband's right to be considered - but not to dictate. It's a family home so a family decision. However the husband wants his first son to be a golden child and that is unreasonable. Reverse the sexes and it would still be unreasonable.

It's possible to partition a room but either do so using furniture as room dividers or have clear or lightly frosted glass above eye level. It might even be possible to add an extra window. If it was me I'd use furniture and plan for a more permanent partition when the younger children are older and OP's entitled stepson has left for uni and will be around even less often.

So if his ASD is "serious" enough that he can't cope with sharing and needs his own space, you'd make him share regardless?

So if his ASD is "serious" enough that he can't cope with sharing and needs his own space, you'd make him share regardless?

No, I'm saying the opposite of that.

Three late teens sharing whilst one early twenties person has their own room doesn't seem right to me

They’re not late teens. The oldest is 15 and the youngest is 11. And it’s for two nights at a time.

@Blossomtoes
It’s none of her business how many kids they’ve got. You don’t get say about what your ex does, your entitlement to a say finishes with the degree absolute

I wasn’t saying it is her business I was just suggesting why she might think it is.

Yes, in my comments I have been talking about what will happen if DS1 doesn't move out within the next few years.

You said that it's unfair for the younger boys to share a room regardless of how serious his autism is.

I think in many ways the ASD makes it more not less important to start thinking about independent living sooner rather than later. In the long term, you may not be able to care for him and better to make arrangements ahead of time than have it forced upon you.

My cousin with ASD lived with her parents until they died, I think the transition to living alone was much more traumatic for her than if her parents had sorted it earlier and made it a softer landing. We have all rallied round and visit regularly but it's been very hard for her to do this at age 50 without her parents around to help.

I am not saying the OP has to kick him out straightaway or anything but it's not unreasonable to start discussing it especially when the house is overcrowded.

This!

You said that it's unfair for the younger boys to share a room regardless of how serious his autism is.

Yes, meaning more that I think they should be looking into other options rather than just expecting the younger one's to share into adulthood if DS1 is not likely to move out anytime soon.

Especially if you're the kind of person who would have considered it very important for your eldest child to have space to themselves at that age, which it seems many are.

Your SS, husband and ex are being totally unreasonable. Your SS is at your home for 1/5 of the month, 6 days yet is demanding your eldest son's room.No way! The house is yours, legally and morally, you bought it 6 years before your current husband was on the scene. This would be a deal breaker for me, as your husband is being so unreasonable.

Not legally, unfortunately. Only half of it as they are married.

Is it a long marriage? Ie over 5 years?

I think it’s fair but 100% understand why it would seem unfair.

Ask DH if you had an unrelated tenant in the loft whether you would expect them to swap. Your son is paying rent - that makes him as much tenant as son. The reality is DSS is only there 6-9 days a month and pays no rent. There are valid reasons why each of your children have separate rooms, and DSS doesn’t have a similar reason.

It is a very fair allocation of rooms. Why should the child get a room of their own when only there at weekends. Especially when the parents in the house have the smallest room. Your oldest is an adult and works and pays his way. That is life. YANBU.

DS1 is paying rent. So basically he's almost a lodger. I suspect with ASD he may be immature in life skills so may need support for a while until he's able to move out. (Cooking and remembering to eat being my first thought). What would he do if something was on fire for example?

It sounds like you have a great setup actually - it's not like you've put DSS on a sofabed downstairs. I'm interested that you have the box room and your DD the small bedroom as this sounds like her room is bigger than yours?

Put dss in a tent in the garden.

1. it’s nothing to do with DSS mum
2. DSS is with you only 6 days a month so doesn’t get to dictate what room he has
3. DS1 is contributing to the household so he trumps DSS
4. It’s your house so you have final say If it’s a problem for DH & ExW then maybe they can come to a financial arrangement which would result in you being able to afford a bigger house !!

It's your house not your and dh's house and your ds pays rent. Things would stay as they are for me

Blimey, I grew up in a family with 7 siblings, I always shared with one or other sister, only time I had my own room was when I moved out at 24, got my own place , got married and started to share again with my husband lol. Never did me any harm. Seems to be that nowadays every child has to have their own room, even when you read on here about people ‘entitled’ to a 4/5 bed house off the council!

Your older boy needs the space. DSS just wants it.
There’s the difference. Life lesson: We can’t always have what we want and in this case, should be considering the actual needs of others. ie A 20 year old working, paying rent and needing to sleep at different times.
onviosly it can’t be that bad at yours for him as he’s asking to come for another weekend!.

Erm, well the difference is that people are struggling to move out before their 30s these days, not possible to save for deposit if you pay 70% of your salary in rent etc.

The "question" isn't being answered because it HAS been answered. MOST MNers are not cruel and nasty and understand that DS1 is not able to move out when he has a disability and the economy is in the state that it is.
Why a few MNers cannot understand this simple fact is just mind-boggling to me. I guess the lack of compassion and empathy some have gets noticed here more than in everyday life.

Your 20 YO can't share a room with his 13 and 11 year old brothers, that's ridiculous.

People are saying the NSDH can go along with the room allocation as is or feck off because nothing else and no other arrangement will work. Just because his demanding bratty kid has whined and cried, doesn't mean the rest of the household has to jump to attention or suffer to accommodate his desires. NSDH needs to grow a set and learn to say no to his spoiled little boy and tell his ex to go pound salt.

Or he can get a 2nd full time job and a part-time 3rd job and any other work he needs to do and buy the family a bigger house with 6 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms.