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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 03/05/2023 10:58

greencheetah · 03/05/2023 10:31

Were you not advised to ring fence your existing equity on the house when you got married?

That aside, DH and his son could fit in or fuck off if I were you. How dare he tell you DS has to vacate his room so DSS can have it a few days a month?

They are taking the piss. You need to stand up for DS and tell DH that he will be the one moving out if push comes to shove. Not your DS.

This with bells on. And as for your bloke’s ex chiming in … She needs to be put straight back in her box.

endofthelinefinally · 03/05/2023 11:06

Of course the younger children are important, but at the moment OP has made the best decisions she can around the current needs and circumstances of ALL the children. It is perfectly possible that DS1 will be able to move out and live independently in a year or two. None of us on here have any idea of the extent of his additional challenges.
What is she supposed to do? Chuck DS1 out?

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 11:30

endofthelinefinally · 03/05/2023 11:06

Of course the younger children are important, but at the moment OP has made the best decisions she can around the current needs and circumstances of ALL the children. It is perfectly possible that DS1 will be able to move out and live independently in a year or two. None of us on here have any idea of the extent of his additional challenges.
What is she supposed to do? Chuck DS1 out?

Which is why I asked OP how severe his needs are, and if and when she imagines he might be able to move out. But she hasn't answered. I think this information is crucial.

If the answer is "in a few years" - yes this situation can probably be waited out. But if the answer is never, or in ten years, then I don't think enough is being made of the fact that this isn't really fair on the younger boys. Not specifically the step son, more so the other two resident boys. The garden pod for DS1 was perhaps the best solution I've seen suggested, but most are just saying it isn't even a problem.

I find attitudes about younger children on here generally quite dismissive compared to attitudes to oldest children. As long as they have an independent room through their teens that they can keep well into adulthood, it's deemed fine.

CoffeeYes · 03/05/2023 11:33

Theelephantinthecastle · 03/05/2023 08:54

Thinking about it further, the bathroom situation does seem a bit poor too - you have 5 people (6 when DSS is staying) using one bathroom and then one for DS1 alone.

Feels like that's quite inefficient. Either the loft room for two people sharing (either you and DH or your two boys) or routinely allowing everyone to use the en suite unless DS1 is sleeping seems more effective

Exactly. OP and DH should have the en-suite bedroom as they are sharing (and it’s their house). The children should share the main bathroom. The youngest boys have the biggest bedroom, girl has the smallest bedroom and eldest son has the middle bedroom. Maybe the girl could use the en-suite too during the day (or to shower in), especially as she will have periods. None of the sons need the en-suite.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 11:35

And what I find worse is that many seem to be implying they would do things this way even if their 20 year old was NT and able to live alone, just so they can save, which I find just so unfair towards their younger children.

They would be affording their eldest child luxury after luxury, whilst not being bothered if their younger children get any at all.

YouCould · 03/05/2023 11:37

"And as for your bloke’s ex chiming in … She needs to be put straight back in her box."

Agree that she shouldn't interfere but maybe she wonders why her ex went on to have more kids when he doesn't seem very responsible. Five kids to look after is a lot especially in a four bed house.

I'm NOT saying the ex is correct in thinking this but it might explain why she is snippy about it

greencheetah · 03/05/2023 11:38

But OP has said she can’t use loft room due to back pain.

She also explains that DH wants DS to move out when OP is sure he would really struggle.

Regardless of all that, why would the child who spends the least amount of time in the house have their own bedroom? It’s a stupid idea. I would say exactly the same if the roles were reversed.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/05/2023 12:20

Gymmum82 · 02/05/2023 14:34

It’s your house so you get to decide. Also DSS doesn’t live their full time so the needs of those that do trump his. There is no point having a room sat empty for 3/4 of the month when you have so many people living in a house

Agree.
Plus Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room . - 100%

Plus.. he is 20.

The idea of DH, DH's ex and DSS ganging up on you to say that DSS ( the 15 year old prince) should have the biggest room in the house, before you, before a rent paying 20 year old who works nights and needs to sleep at odd times and your DH wanting him to move out - is extremely unfair, especially knowing how hard it is for young people in their first jobs to afford accommodation! He wants you to tell him to move out? To favour someone who only lives there 3 weekends a month?

He married you knowing you have children of your own didn't he? But the wants (not the needs) of his child and his ex trump the fairly reasonable allocation of space in your house.

Your DH should not be allowing three people to petition you like this. And his ex should not be having a say in how you organise your house hold.

We'd all love to live in a 10 bed mansion in its own grounds, but this is the real world and families share according to needs.

ohdamnitjanet · 03/05/2023 12:24

Wow, absolutely the 20 yr old should keep his room! He’s an adult, he’s working, he’s contributing to the household. I’d be disturbed and FURIOUS by a DH who had the temerity to tell my MY child should move out of MY house. He’d be moving out first, I can tell you. Also, it’s not easy to find a decent job, and well done to your son for working hard with unsocial hours. 20 is still young to leave home now as everything is so damn expensive.

Twobyfour · 03/05/2023 12:25

Can’t your DH pay for a “garden room” or an bedroom/shower room extension on the back of the house if he’s so keen that his prince has his own bedroom for that extra 2 days a month?

Twobyfour · 03/05/2023 12:27

If DSS gets his own bedroom and shower room, for 6 days a month, then all the children should get that all the time!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/05/2023 12:30

greencheetah · 03/05/2023 11:38

But OP has said she can’t use loft room due to back pain.

She also explains that DH wants DS to move out when OP is sure he would really struggle.

Regardless of all that, why would the child who spends the least amount of time in the house have their own bedroom? It’s a stupid idea. I would say exactly the same if the roles were reversed.

This.

It's absurd. I'd be questioning the marital relationship at this point.

Blossomtoes · 03/05/2023 12:38

YouCould · 03/05/2023 11:37

"And as for your bloke’s ex chiming in … She needs to be put straight back in her box."

Agree that she shouldn't interfere but maybe she wonders why her ex went on to have more kids when he doesn't seem very responsible. Five kids to look after is a lot especially in a four bed house.

I'm NOT saying the ex is correct in thinking this but it might explain why she is snippy about it

It’s none of her business how many kids they’ve got. You don’t get say about what your ex does, your entitlement to a say finishes with the degree absolute.

kitsuneghost · 03/05/2023 12:57

Sounds perfect
DD needs her own room. 15 is too old to be sharing with brothers

kitsuneghost · 03/05/2023 12:59

Sorry I thought they had wanted DDs room
But I still stand the DS1 needs his own room due to working hours and your arrangement is fine

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 03/05/2023 13:02

The house is mine

Tell DH he needs to book a hotel for the weekends he "hosts" his son.

That or he buys his own place.

No way should your son who is paying rent give up his space for a child that is there for 6? nights per month. No Way. At All.

Newestname002 · 03/05/2023 14:18

@ForTheSakeOfThePenguin

I find it outrageous that your DH is expecting your oldest to move to accommodate a want (not need) from a child who is hardly there. I suggest you let him solve the problem by letting him find and pay the difference to get a bigger home.

Yes, I'm rather shocked at this. I hope OP is not giving any weight to this unhelpful suggestion by her husband. 🌹

Phos · 03/05/2023 14:32

Quite aside from the fact your oldest is working and contributing, as well as managing with ASD, I'm perturbed that your DH, his ex and his son are chiming in that "he needs his own space" By the sounds of it, he has his own space for most of the month back at his mother's! Why does his need for space trump anything else, just because he's seen your oldest's room and quite fancies that for himself.

DSS is coming across as quite spoilt and his parents are enabling this. I appreciate making step kids feel welcome but that does not extend to this for the sake of 6 nights or so a month. I cannot see a better arrangement short of your DH building an extension or garden room for his older son.

Heidi75 · 03/05/2023 14:51

No one said you don't re-asses things as you go but it's a lot of what if's and a lot can happen in the intervening years. You work with the situation at the time. Plenty of people shared rooms until they left home with larger families, pretty sure no-one died from it! You also fail to take into account the ASD of the older children which makes a huge difference to the families needs

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:01

Heidi75 · 03/05/2023 14:51

No one said you don't re-asses things as you go but it's a lot of what if's and a lot can happen in the intervening years. You work with the situation at the time. Plenty of people shared rooms until they left home with larger families, pretty sure no-one died from it! You also fail to take into account the ASD of the older children which makes a huge difference to the families needs

Do you mean me?

Yes I know some people do share rooms until they move out, but my point is that I see a lot of people acting like it WOULD be the end of the world for the eldest child, just not the younger ones. Three late teens sharing whilst one early twenties person has their own room doesn't seem right to me, it's worse than just two sharing, the imbalance is greater. Personally I think in a couple of years DSS should move to sharing DS1's room to even things out. Would that be considered acceptable? If not, why not? When they are all young adults, why is the oldest child considered more in need of their own space?

I haven't failed to consider his ASD. I've said from the start that the seriousness of his ASD needs considering - but it doesn't change the needs of the younger children. If the plan is for him to potentially stay at home for years to come, then I think it needs to be addressed that they can't currently provide the same standard of living for the three younger boys. Not brushed under the carpet.

I often feel sorry for the siblings of children with ASD.

Heidi75 · 03/05/2023 15:15

@aSofaNearYou In this situation age is irrelevant and suggesting that DSS should share with DS1, DOES show you do not understand ASD and the affects it can have on a person. Just because you cannot see a disability it doesn't mean it's not extremely serious. The only really sensible solution long term here is to move to a bigger place/extend or other. Garden room in the garden for oldest DS1, give him some independence whilst having his family close at hand.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:17

Heidi75 · 03/05/2023 15:15

@aSofaNearYou In this situation age is irrelevant and suggesting that DSS should share with DS1, DOES show you do not understand ASD and the affects it can have on a person. Just because you cannot see a disability it doesn't mean it's not extremely serious. The only really sensible solution long term here is to move to a bigger place/extend or other. Garden room in the garden for oldest DS1, give him some independence whilst having his family close at hand.

I do agree about moving/extending.

I wouldn't say I don't understand ASD - it's not a one size fits all. This is why I've repeatedly asked how serious it is in HIS case.

But regardless, I do not think it is fair for three young adults to share and one have a room to themselves. The other children's needs matter even if they don't have ASD.

Crumpleton · 03/05/2023 15:37

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:17

I do agree about moving/extending.

I wouldn't say I don't understand ASD - it's not a one size fits all. This is why I've repeatedly asked how serious it is in HIS case.

But regardless, I do not think it is fair for three young adults to share and one have a room to themselves. The other children's needs matter even if they don't have ASD.

Show quote history

Maybe part of it at the moment is DS1 works night shifts/odd hours and therefore needs to sleep during the day/has different sleeping patterns and if another DC shared and wanted to be, say playing on a games console it would be hard for DS1 to sleep.

I did note that DH's Ex has 3 bedrooms with only her and DSS living there, all be it one an office, if they are all still insistant that DSS has his own room and DH that your DS moves out maybe suggest the Ex gets a futon in said office and DH can visit DSS and sleep over at their place.

SquarePegInRoundHole · 03/05/2023 15:38

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 03/05/2023 13:02

The house is mine

Tell DH he needs to book a hotel for the weekends he "hosts" his son.

That or he buys his own place.

No way should your son who is paying rent give up his space for a child that is there for 6? nights per month. No Way. At All.

He's not "hosting" his son. It's his child who he has some parental responsibility for.

FamBae · 03/05/2023 15:54

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

Perfectly fair, do not be bullied by them, your dh knew you had two dc when he married you and chose to make your house the family home, and don't let him bully your eldest into leaving home. Your DSS has the luxury of his own bedroom at his mums your youngest two don't.