To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

[roomallocations]

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

I agree the set up is fair! As fir your 20 Yr old moving out not many 20 yr old are in a position to do that in this climTe! Remind him that young people with ASD should take 1/3 off their age to get their social/emotional intelligence age so your son is around 14years actually younger than your DSS this is well researched too (I am Autistic and also work with Autistic adults without learning disabilities) people forget that children with autism grow into adults with autism and wrre all of a sudden supposed to manage everything like we don't have any deficits but we do and it's hard! I don't even know ow you or your son but I think it's amazing he's holding down a job and can guarentee he needs that space to decompress and calm after/before work otherwise he might not be so successful! Seriously be so proud of him plus he is paying rent he should keep the space! Your Dss sounds like he is being a bit bratty! No compromise and your DH isn't being much better! If he hates it so much why ask to be there extra? I think he's trying his luck a d if your DH doesn't put his foot down your DSS will think he has him right where he wants him! He has his own room most of the time at his mums maybe give him the option of saying I need 10minutes and he can go in sitting room/kitchen alone for 10minutes I can imagine it's hard for him when he is essentially an only child mon-fri and then one of 5 on weekends so that's a compromise but the rooms should stay the same or have a partition or even a curtain across/around his bed so he can open/close it as and when so if he wants Natural light he can open them if he doesn't he can close and have a lamp!
Are your DS's respectful of his stuff when he isn't there like they don't touch or move anything that's specifically his?
I am confident in saying you are not being unreasonable x

*Whether it matters is just your opinion though. Plenty of people manage. Especially as in this case they are all sharing a large bedroom. Not crammed into a tiny room with bunk beds. And have shared for a long time already.

There could also be space carved out for them in the communal areas if the footprint of the house is large.*

Yes, and my opinion is that I've seen people saying it matters enormously for the oldest child and not at all for any younger siblings, and I don't think that's fair at all.

If it matters for one it should matter for the younger one's as well, otherwise you have a golden child.

So his mum thinks he should get his own for the weekends that he is there leaving it empty for the rest of the time! Umm, nope. The working adult needs space and has to sleep during the day to work nights (and pays rent), the room that is super large could be partitioned or completely split in 2 with stud walling?

An adult who is working and paying rent takes precedent over a child who is only there a few nights a month.

yanbu. Your dh and his ex are being ridiculous - stand your ground.

The key thing I took from this thread is that this is a blended family and the one thing I've learned about any sort of family is that you muck in when you stay with relatives (be that cousins or half-siblings). So your step son gets to share with his half siblings and mucks in.

The alternative is that you and your DH consider moving to a larger house which, in a few years time will probably be too large for your requirements as your children move out but for the time being, you need more space.

It will involve you selling 'your' house and getting an 'our' house - are you ready to do that?

So DSS is at yours 3 weekends out of the month? I'm guessing he has his 'own room' back at home? Given your circumstances I'd say you have made a really good job of allocating space according to your means. DS1 is only 20 and that's still relatively young especially with ASD - has he given any indication he'd want to move out? Anyway, that's all beside the point. Key here is conflict resolution. Its all well and good DH and ex-wife making sweeping statements about YOUR living conditions, so sit hubby down and ask him WHY he feels this change needs to be made and the benefits and drawbacks to EVERYONE in the house. For example, if DS1 shares a bedroom, given his work and need to sleep during the day this means those sharing with him won't be able to use the bedroom. What happens when the next kiddo decides to try their luck and insist THEY get privacy, does everyone move around again? What's the benchmark here for what YOU decide and what the KIDS decide and how do you deal with the fallout when you have to say no to the next child (and how are THEY going to feel knowing you made changes for DSS but NOT for them? Likely this will drive a big wedge between the kids, they're not daft, they will latch onto 'he got preferential treatment/you always treated me worse' and run with it into old age trust me on this one as I know from experience!) Is it ONLY DDS and his Mum making the request or is anyone else in the house unhappy with the arrangements? I'm guessing here but I'd say DDSMum has made noises about DDS not coming as often unless he gets his way (not really a good learning model for the boy but that's another story) so DH is feeling under pressure as he's already carrying absent father guilt. The alternative is you sit down and work out if you can move to a house with more room (I'm guessing you would already if you could have) but I'd say speaking reasonably and with an open mind with your hubby about whether this is feasible and any potential repercussions is going to work better than getting frustrated and angry with each other?

Thinking about it further, the bathroom situation does seem a bit poor too - you have 5 people (6 when DSS is staying) using one bathroom and then one for DS1 alone.

Feels like that's quite inefficient. Either the loft room for two people sharing (either you and DH or your two boys) or routinely allowing everyone to use the en suite unless DS1 is sleeping seems more effective

Usually I am utterly perplexed at the lack of compassion to step children on MN but this is so different.

DSS doesn’t live there! It’s insane to think he should get his own room and DS1 should share not only disrupting him but also the people he’s sharing with.

What a way to tell DS1 that he’s not welcome, move into this shared room and let someone who’s here 6 days a month have their own room - there’s no logic in that at all.

Also he’s 20, not 30 and he has ASD - on what planet would he be moving out yet??

Im sorry your partner and his ex are doing this to you, I really think that’s awful.

How is the current room allocation not even remotely fair? I do t understand, your current arrangement sounds perfectly reasonable.

Your own DCs share as well, not just the DSS. I don't think some posters read the OP properly.

How ridiculous that the one child who is only there a few days a month gets his own room at the expenses of the DCs that live their FT.

You need a bigger house OP but if that's not possible, the complainants will have to wind their necks in.

Why don't you suggest to your DH that he gets a better more well paid job and you can buy a bigger house?

No don't change things, unless you swap your box toom for the loft room. You should have the nicest room, because its your house. His rent covers bills, room and food. However with the step son, he's just trying it on because he's seen the loft room. How on earth could you justify giving that space to a child who only visits three times a week?! Ignore him. Its your house, if they don't like it, then they can go else where.

I think its fair I wouldn't find it very appropriate really for a 20 year old to be sharing with an 11 year old anyway.

She is the only girl and she is old enough to need some privacy. Even in a council home, having her sharing with her brothers will make the family eligible for a bigger house if one became available and there was no other family that had a higher need for it.

I find it outrageous that your DH is expecting your oldest to move to accommodate a want (not need) from a child who is hardly there. I suggest you let him solve the problem by letting him find and pay the difference to get a bigger home.

If the kid can’t manage not sharing a room, he is old enough to decide to stay with mum overnight.

YANBU

1. Your DS is an adult who is paying rent
2. DSS is only there for 6 nights a month so a complete waste of a room the rest of the time
3. DS as an adult should not be expected to share with a child
4. DSS has his own room in his own home.

Does DSS get his own way every time he stamps his feet?

and watch out on the house. You say it is yours, but if you are married then your DH could be entitled to a share of it if you split up. If he has paid money to repair it etc, then he could have a claim on that. I know of several cases where the home owner had to pay out the leaving partner because they had paid for renovations, or a new bathroom etc and could prove it. Not all of them were married.

Contributing to day to day bills shouldn't give him a claim though, as he would have to pay those wherever he lived.

I think your set up is as fair as you can make it.

I do have some sympathy for DSS though as he wants to be treated like the older children (he's the same age as DD who gets her own room) but instead gets lumped in with the younger ones. At least he gets his own room at his mum's so he has some space. Life's not fair sometimes!

Can you do anything to make the shared room nicer and so that each lad has more privacy.

You have it the fairest way possible at the moment.

I am really struggling to understand how your Dh and his ex think a 20 year old should share with 2 teen boys to allow another teen boy the best room in the house for 6 days a month. I honestly cannot fathom what their logic is.

Also dividing the big room so DSS has his own space for 6 days a month is also unfair. as it means the other 2 who are there all the time have even less space. Its totally nuts!

Its not like you're making dss sleep on the bloody sofa!
Tell him if he wants to move in full time and start paying rent you'll revisit the options, but until then this is how it is. end of.

It seems a pretty silly idea to give a room to a child that is only there 6 nights a month and then leave it empty the rest of the time. Also it was always the case in general that the younger siblings shared and the older ones got their own rooms - they will have different schedules when working etc and with ASD do need their own space. There is a complete lack of understanding on your husband and his families part of ASD here. DSS is also much closer in age to his half brothers, expecting a 20 year old to share with an 11 year old, honestly I think that DSS is being a bit spoilt and entitled and his Mum is encouraging that behavior. Unless you move or extend your house then I think you are being as fair as you can be to all of them.

Also it was always the case in general that the younger siblings shared and the older ones got their own rooms

So what happens when the younger children reach the age the older child had their own room, or even adulthood, and the eldest child is still there?

This completely. I can understand the teenager questioning the set up but I cannot believe there is 2 adults agreeing. Nonsense.
The current set up is perfect. The 20 year old obviously deserves a room to themselves.

Were you not advised to ring fence your existing equity on the house when you got married?

That aside, DH and his son could fit in or fuck off if I were you. How dare he tell you DS has to vacate his room so DSS can have it a few days a month?

They are taking the piss. You need to stand up for DS and tell DH that he will be the one moving out if push comes to shove. Not your DS.

OP was the loft conversion there when your DH moved in? What were the original plans for the loft room and did DH contribute to the conversion? Is he perhaps a bit fed up that he has contributed to the addition to your home yet he is in the tiny box room and your adult son has the best room in the house.

I think it sounds fine. Rental accommodation is so expensive, I think it is entirely reasonable for DS1 to stay in the loft room and pay rent. That helps the whole family. ASD is an additional challenge that means he needs a bit more support and I think he has done really well to be working and contributing.
My late son tried moving nearer to his work (London), but all he could afford was a room with no fridge/cooking or food prep facilities. It was miserable and paying for takeaways was expensive. It was easier to come back home and pay for travel.
DSS isn't being treated any different than the other DC of the same age and sex.

No one is answering this question because the only possible answer is basically younger children aren't as important

It's mad to me that people are saying that the husband can go along with the room allocation or fuck off. Imagine if a woman married a man, lived in the house for 13+ years and had 2 kids with the man I very think Mumsnet would be backing that woman's right to an equal say in the house, and rightly so. But not for a man 🙄

So what happens when the younger children reach the age the older child had their own room, or even adulthood, and the eldest child is still there?

I imagine most people would simply revisit the situation and see what options there are at that time. And if absolutely nothing can be changed, they continue to share. Unfortunate, but thats life.