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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that this is a fair allocation of rooms ?

424 replies

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:21

Ds1 (20) ASD and full time work (night shifts or awkward times but always needs to sleep for some part or all of the day)
Dd (15) ASD and needs her own room
Ds2 (13)
Ds 3 (11)
Dss (15)

Rooms are as follows :
Ds1 loft room with en suite
Dd1 small bedroom
Ds2, Ds3 and Dss - biggest room (fits 3 single beds, a wardrobe , 2 drawer units and a desk. It’s really huge.
Tiny box room for me and dh

Dss is here 3 weekends a month

Dss, Dh and Dss mum are saying that he needs his own room - they want him to swap with Ds1 as said it is only fair that he has his own space .

Ds1 works nights and pays rent so I think should keep his room .

DS1 and Dd are mine from a previous relationship, ds 2 and 3 are dh as well

I think it’s fair how things are. Dh is now saying why isn’t Ds1 thinking about moving out ?!!! It difficult for him and I’m just pleased he’s working and managing he isn’t ready to move out

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 06:58

Inthesamesinkingboat · 02/05/2023 14:39

So you own the house but DH is now dictating who can live there by suggesting your child moves out so there’s more room for his kid? Where the fuck do these men get the balls from?

the situation is fine, if he doesn’t like it he can go and buy a bigger house for you all can’t he.

I agree!

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:01

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:41

Yes my house, but apparently it counts that he has contributed to all bills and decorating / any work done etc etc so he thinks he has a say

Show quote history

Then your NSDH needs a reality check. He does NOT get to decide who stays and who goes from your house. Let him go buy a bigger house if he wants his precious 15-yr-old kid to have his own room.

Please do not fall for the Disney Daddy guilt and the spoiled demands of your SS and hurt YOUR children to appease them.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:08

ohtowinthelottery · 02/05/2023 15:32

Just tell DSS that you'll consider his request when/if DS1 moves out. In the meantime he can continue to share as he has always done and to be grateful that for the majority of his life he has a room to himself (at his mum's) unlike the other 2 boys who have to share all the time.

When and if DS1 moves out while DD1 is home, she should get the loft room next. A girl could use a private bathroom much more than SS could and she deserves to have the privacy of it next.

BUT, DS1 should not be "encouraged" to move out or have any discussions of what will be "if and when" DS1 moves out. Then DS1 would be pressured by SB and SF the same as now.

PennineWay · 03/05/2023 07:12

There are simply too many of you for your step son to have his own room when he's only there 6 nights a month. It would be empty most of the time and the rest of the kids would be more squeezed - doesn't make sense at all.

However, I think you should be looking towards the future and planning for your 20 yr old to move out. Not kicking him out of course, but making plans, supporting him towards independence and looking at options.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:14

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 15:55

Why should the DD be next in line when she has had her own room throughout? I would have said it was one of the boys who had had to share

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Because a girl having her own room and bathroom is more logical than one of the boys. That frees up her room (or the parent's room if they then move into DD's room) and the empty room can go to one of the DSs so they have a chance to have their own room, at least most of the time. No child spending only 6 nights/month needs their own private room, especially since they do have one most of the time.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:16

BessieSurtees · 02/05/2023 16:02

The fact that he has his own room at home is even more reason that he can share at yours. I really don’t understand your DH perspective on this, his other children are sharing.

He wants to be a Disney Dad where he kowtows to the DS not living with him to the detriment of everyone else.

CM1897 · 03/05/2023 07:20

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:29

I suggested a partition in the boys room but dh said it will leave dss with no natural light due to where the window is and isn’t fair. Their reading for swapping ds1 and Dss is that as ds needs to sleep during the day when everyone else at school that he can do so in peace whereas dss feels uncomfortable and wants his own space

The house is mine and I feel like I’m being dictated to !

Unfortunately, now that you’re married, the house is both of yours (if you live in the U.K.)

Lampzade · 03/05/2023 07:21

Sorry your dp is being ridiculous. He expects you to kick out your twenty year old rent paying son so that DSS can have his own room in a house that he doesn’t live in full time
Make it make sense

Lampzade · 03/05/2023 07:22

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:16

He wants to be a Disney Dad where he kowtows to the DS not living with him to the detriment of everyone else.

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This

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:28

Theelephantinthecastle · 02/05/2023 17:27

As I said in an earlier comment, this all needs discussing. I agree it shouldn't be the DSS that gets the room but given both the older kids are autistic, it's not unreasonable to start having some conversations about the future.

If neither older child will ever leave home, the younger ones are going to have to leave early if they don't want to spend their early 20s sharing with each other so some plans need to be put in place.

I think you can equally say the OP should potentially have thought more carefully about getting married if she didn't want to share her assets..

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She hasn't said she doesn't want to share but she sure as heck doesn't want to kick a child to the curb, an autistic child, just so a 15-yr-old spoiled brat can have his demands met. SS should be told the cold, hard truth. He probably will never have a room to himself at his SM/DF's home in the next several years. Just isn't going to happen, so he needs to learn to cope with that fact.

Mortimercat · 03/05/2023 07:29

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 14:41

Yes my house, but apparently it counts that he has contributed to all bills and decorating / any work done etc etc so he thinks he has a say

Show quote history

This is your husband! For goodness sake it is his house and home too!

I think your room allocation is as fair as it can be by the way, but I just can’t believe you are pulling the “it’s my house” card over this with your husband.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:33

Camablanca · 02/05/2023 17:38

They're married. It's 'their' house. If OP didn't want to share maybe she should have remained a 'D'P?

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Even if it's their house, which it is, it's HER DS and SHE doesn't have to kick him to the curb because a spoiled little 15-yr-old brat wants his way. He will never have his way, unless both DS1 and DD1 move out and since both are autistic, that is unlikely in the next several years, if ever.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:36

SquarePegInRoundHole · 02/05/2023 17:38

You've been together for 13 years+ I'm guessing? Surely the house is morally both of yours now? I'm not sure how you can pull that card?

Sure, but if we are going to think of it that way, DS1 has as much say as NSDH since he pays rent and has lived there longer.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:39

Trez1510 · 02/05/2023 18:01

I'm still trying to get my head around what exactly the husband said when proposing this ......

"Here, love, now that I've done some decorating and paid some bills, I think it's time for your disabled (barely adult) child who works/pays rent to move out so my 'prince' can have the loft to himself for the 20% of the time he's here. Yeah, yeah, it's still cool for your two boys to share 100% of the time. Oh, and btw, his mother (the Queen B) agrees! We fully support our prince in his demands ...."

Is that how it went down?

I'd be suggesting (demanding) he find his own accommodation to house his own prince in future.

This made me laugh WAY too hard. 😆I also think it's pretty spot on to boot.

HeyThere111 · 03/05/2023 07:46

I think you should see how he feels about your box room. I know you say back problems doesn't make the loft ideal for you but I'd consider saying the only way it is happening is if you take the loft, ds1 the box room and then see if dss still needs his own room. I very much doubt he will want the box room!

But as a part time resident he doesn't get to decide anyway and your bh is unfair excepting to disrupt everyone else in the house for something that's just been demanded .

Cakeorchocolate · 03/05/2023 07:46

It sounds like you already have the fairest possible arrangement.

Maybe dss is hoping to at least share with ds1 when at yours. Which wouldn't be fair to ds1 since he pays rent.

Not that you're considering it but it would be massively unreasonable to swap rooms with ds1 leaving an empty room for most of the month when dss isn't there.

Your DH needs to either accept that everything stays as it is or partitioning the existing room the 3 boys are in is the only viable option.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:46

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 19:01

I’d be getting rid of the husband if he carries on with all of this.

His decorating and paying for other bills counts for nothing.

The fact you’re married could give him a claim but it’s a short marriage and you have no children together so I think he’d get short shrift in a divorce court.

In OP's top post, she says that DS2 and DS3 are hers and NSDH's.

So, they've been married awhile, most probably.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 07:51

AlmostWife · 02/05/2023 19:14

Because the house isn't big enough for five children + the parents in four rooms.

I moved out when I was 19 for the same reason. Sure, lots of adults live at home, but that only works when there's space.

Show quote history

So, you moved out as a disabled person at 19? If so, just because you did, doesn't mean DS1 can do the same. ASD is different with a wide spectrum.

I am guessing if they could afford a bigger house, they would have done so. Many families cope with much worse arrangements.

TillyTollyTully · 03/05/2023 07:56

Presumably dss has his own room in the house where he lives most of the time.

Your arrangement sounds the most sensible all round. In terms of who gets their own room I would prioritise the people who live there 100% of the time.

MrsRaspberry · 03/05/2023 07:59

Hubby's being unfair. His son has a room of his own at his mums where he permanently lives. He's at yours weekends only and whilst it would be nice for him to have a room of his own there too its not doable. It's unfair of your husband to even suggest kicking out your son who works and pays rent purely cos his son and ex feel entitled to dictate how you allocate space in your home. I can imagine its hubby's sons mum who has probably whispered in his ear saying he should have a room of his own at dads cos thats what the set up is at home. If hubby feels this way too then ask himif he is willing to pay a higher rent or mortgage rate for a bigger home to accommodate his request.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 03/05/2023 08:00

Do you have a garage you could convert? If so, I’d leave everyone happily where they are, but make the garage into a bedroom with en-suite on the ground floor for you and DH, and put DSS in what is currently your room. His room could also be used as a study or break our space for ds2 or ds3 when he is not there.

Thatmum102 · 03/05/2023 08:00

Dss sounds abit entitled. He doesn't live there full time, so he has to make do when he is there. You've given him the grace of using the ensuite bathroom when the house is busy, what's the issue. He is staying in a house with hislarge family, it's not private.... I shared with two of my brothers and we loved it. There's also plenty of ways to partition a room without blocking natural light, check out Pinterest. Sorry, no real advice... Just tell him to suck it up.

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 08:00

ElEmEnOhPee · 02/05/2023 20:43

https://www.quick-garden.co.uk/camping-pod-brittany-3m-x-6m-10x20-ft-28-mm.html

Any way you could afford a garden pod like this? it'd be ideal for DS1 (20) which would free up the loft space, that's if you have the space in the garden for it. He'd have more independence but you'd be right there should he need you too.

I imagine it would be pretty dang expensive to outfit the place with a toilet, sink and shower plus heating and AC. Plus how big of a yard one would need to have to fit it in there. We have a large yard and I don't think code would allow us to put that up, since there has to be so much space from buildings to property lines.

YouCould · 03/05/2023 08:04

Have you made arrangement for your kids to get the house when you die? Or have you a prenup? I'm not sure you can call it your house. Was it clear to your husband before you married.

If the sexes were reversed you would be slated by MN for saying it's your house. (I don't think that it's wrong if you were clear beforehand)

Nanaof1 · 03/05/2023 08:05

roomallocations · 02/05/2023 20:51

Ds1 still needs a lot of support, he doesn’t earn enough to move and is saving , he pays a small amount of rent but I wanted to encourage home to work and save as I think long term it will give him more choices and he needs that head start . He’s putting all his efforts into working and keeping his job and doing so well

That's wonderful! I bet you are very proud of him!

Just stay firm. You are doing what is best for EVERYONE in the family, whereas your NSDH is trying to do what his spoiled DS wants at the expense of others. I consider that a very, very big red flag.

Your NSDH can always buy a 6-bedroom house if he has a problem with the arrangements.

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