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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:29

Bit of loggerheads that should say

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:30

Basically AIBU to say I'm not facilitating DSS being here more often and if DH wants him to be then he needs to do these things himself.

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 02/05/2023 12:31

Are you part of a family or not? You don’t get to decide that one of the children of the family can’t live with you if that’s his home and his dads home too.

MojoMoon · 02/05/2023 12:33

YANBU - this should be a discussion you and DH have to work out how you can best and fairly work together to facilitate this rather than it being presented to you as deal done by DH.

Your step son is also old enough to be required to take more responsibility on such as making his own bed, putting his laundry away etc but you both need to agree to this so it can be enforced

OriginalUsername2 · 02/05/2023 12:33

You’re stating your boundaries, nothing wrong with that. I would say the same things.

MojoMoon · 02/05/2023 12:34

MelchiorsMistress · 02/05/2023 12:31

Are you part of a family or not? You don’t get to decide that one of the children of the family can’t live with you if that’s his home and his dads home too.

He can live there - if DH agrees to do more of the labour of taking care of him.

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:34

MelchiorsMistress · 02/05/2023 12:31

Are you part of a family or not? You don’t get to decide that one of the children of the family can’t live with you if that’s his home and his dads home too.

Oh I'm not saying he can't come in. Just that I'm not going to be doing even more than I already do to facilitate it. He has two parents, why should they not be the ones to parent? If I didn't exist he wouldn't be able to just decide he's not staying at his mums as much, because there wouldn't be anyone here to do everything that entails.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:35

Move in not come

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:36

And I don't think the reasons are good enough reasons to just decide he's no longer staying with his mum as much. He needs to stay with here 50% of the time because his dad is working and can't be here.

OP posts:
NewIdeasToday · 02/05/2023 12:36

Presumably you can afford to work part time because your husband is working full time. Which also mean he can’t do the school run.

I think it’s unfair to then complain about the fact he can’t do the school run and all the looking after for his son.

TrashyPanda · 02/05/2023 12:37

He should def be making his own way to and from school, keeping his room tidy and doing normal household chores.

and you DH needs to step up and be a parent to him

Eggseggseverywhere · 02/05/2023 12:37

When my dc opted to come full time and nc with df it was my dh who offered to go collect their stuff. Did you never anticipate it could happen op?

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:38

NewIdeasToday · 02/05/2023 12:36

Presumably you can afford to work part time because your husband is working full time. Which also mean he can’t do the school run.

I think it’s unfair to then complain about the fact he can’t do the school run and all the looking after for his son.

Not really. I only work 1 day a week less and with nursery fees saved, don't even come out with that much less than DH does for it. My work is more flexible by nature which does allow me to do school runs more easily.

But again, DSS has a mother who is capable of taking him to school. Because he wants a TV in his room shouldn't be a good enough reason for her not to and me to have to!

OP posts:
Cooknook · 02/05/2023 12:39

You aren't being unreasonable to set boundaries and reasonable expectations. That said I'm not sure what you can do if DH doesn't agree besides work full time and reevaluate your relationship. I suspect he will carry on saying fine to his child without actually doing any of the things you have reasonably pointed out.

PinkyU · 02/05/2023 12:39

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:34

Oh I'm not saying he can't come in. Just that I'm not going to be doing even more than I already do to facilitate it. He has two parents, why should they not be the ones to parent? If I didn't exist he wouldn't be able to just decide he's not staying at his mums as much, because there wouldn't be anyone here to do everything that entails.

Show quote history

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

You’re being petty and putting up barriers to a child having a closer relationship to his father, siblings and you.

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:39

Eggseggseverywhere · 02/05/2023 12:37

When my dc opted to come full time and nc with df it was my dh who offered to go collect their stuff. Did you never anticipate it could happen op?

If he wanted to come because his mother was a monster that is different. Because he doesn't want to share a bedroom is not the same.

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 02/05/2023 12:39

YANBU - to want to be included in this discussion and not having your time and labour basically volunteered on your behalf by DH.

But you're a family and you need to be flexible as well rather than being at loggerheads.

Daisydu · 02/05/2023 12:40

MelchiorsMistress · 02/05/2023 12:31

Are you part of a family or not? You don’t get to decide that one of the children of the family can’t live with you if that’s his home and his dads home too.

She does get a bloody say when she’s expected to do all the parenting for a child that isn’t hers!

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2023 12:41

PinkyU · 02/05/2023 12:39

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

You’re being petty and putting up barriers to a child having a closer relationship to his father, siblings and you.

Show quote history

So if OP decides he can’t have a tv in his room anymore that’s okay? If she decides he’s old enough to get himself to school that’s up to her?

PinkyU · 02/05/2023 12:42

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2023 12:41

So if OP decides he can’t have a tv in his room anymore that’s okay? If she decides he’s old enough to get himself to school that’s up to her?

Show quote history

No, it’s a discussion for all the parents to have.

Daisydu · 02/05/2023 12:42

Welcome to the step parent world. You have to treat them like your own, do everything for them but also don’t over step any boundaries. Be their parent but also remember you are not their parent and you have u have absolutely no say over any thing.

nofusspot · 02/05/2023 12:42

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:30

Basically AIBU to say I'm not facilitating DSS being here more often and if DH wants him to be then he needs to do these things himself.

This is absolutely fine.

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:44

PinkyU · 02/05/2023 12:42

No, it’s a discussion for all the parents to have.

Show quote history

I disagree if I'm the one being expected to do it.

They can't just unilaterally decide he needs taking to school but not do it themselves. I think he's old enough so I won't be taking him. If DH disagrees, his is welcome to start doing it himself.

OP posts:
Crispymandm · 02/05/2023 12:44

I can understand it must be frustrating, is step son not old enough to get himself too and from school? Assuming that once the little ones start you won’t be able to take him anyway? I’d start as you mean to go on, let stepson know he has some responsibility himself now. I can see it from both yours and your husbands side, but feel both yours and husband’s relationship with your SS will be damaged if you refuse to let him move in because you don’t want any extra washing or driving.

CheekyHusky · 02/05/2023 12:44

I was ready to say YABU from the title, but have voted NBU because the extra work would disproportionately fall to you.

Is there a way you can say yes, but with [your] conditions.

Okay, DH can’t do school run but can he arrange cover with a weekly cleaner - one of their tasks being to strips and change all beds. Can he also arrange a weekly laundry service? Perhaps only for bed linens?

Perhaps DH can teach DSS how to use the washing machine or how to get the school by himself?

There is room for negotiation here, think about what specific bugbears you have and how, as a family, you can resolve them.

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