Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
Dilemma19 · 02/05/2023 13:49

Yanbu but you must know you won't get fair replies here. He's not your child and his dad should pick up the slack for him. Not you. He has a mother to do the other half. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to take on any additional work and responsibility- who would?

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 13:50

And it also worries me things like the school holidays. It's not an insignificant chunk of the year and I'm already expected to juggle both DSC at home when they are with us for the 50% (work from home often). I absolutely do not want to be doing that for the majority of the time! Nor will I be taking precious annual leave to cover it.

OP posts:
Dilemma19 · 02/05/2023 13:50

And they can't just decide this, because it's your home too!!

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 13:52

I just think it's silly.

If I wasn't around there is no one they would even be able to entertain this idea. He has a perfectly capable mother, he might not like her house rules but that's hardly a shock for a nearly teen is it. If I wasn't here to facilitate everything, he'd not be able to move in because DH simply isn't around enough with his work. But because I am here it's fine...?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 13:53

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 02/05/2023 13:39

I’ve got step kids that are teenagers and one primary school age and we’ve been through this. Ok so before we even get to the issue you have with it ( school runs extra washing etc. I would feel the same btw) it is a VERY bad move to start letting kids dictate where they live at this age. Unless mum is abusing him or there’s some form of safeguarding risk letting him pick and choose is just going to end up with lots of issues further down the line. Every time things don’t go his way in one home he’ll be off to the other parent. There will be lots of boundary pushing further down the line. His mum needs to work on her relationship with hun like she would if he lived with her full time. Dad should be supporting this and supporting her. I would drop the argument over the division of labour ( I don’t know your set up but if you working part time is facilitated by dh working full it muddies the waters) and focus on relationships and a fair split of access.

I think this is quite insightful. I agree that it is a slippery slope letting them pick where they live when objectively their set up is fine. Very easy for them to take advantage of this.

Hayliebells · 02/05/2023 13:53

YANBU to refuse to do the parenting that his DF and DM should be doing. I agree, you have no need to be taking him to school etc, he's 12, not 6. But why do you do all the domestic work when you work 4 days a week and your DH presumably works 5. In theory, your DH should still be doing quite a bit, it's not like you only work half the week, you only have one day "off", but it's presumably spent with your pre-school age children. The problem isn't really DSS moving in, it's that your husband doesn't pull his weight. Focus on that, it isn't acceptable even if your DSS doesn't move in. Not much you can do about that though if your DH won't change, other than just stop doing things, or reassess the relationship.

ittakes2 · 02/05/2023 13:54

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 13:45

Understandable that you feel resentment - but why only about DSC, & not your own children?

I guess it's easier to accept (it's not right I agree but easier) when it's my own children. Obviously I have the unconditional love there for my own children and I enjoy caring for them a lot more than I do DSS. I don't disagree that it's also not okay to be left doing everything for our DC either but it definitely feels less of an issue than being left doing everything for DSC too.

At his mums he shares with my other DSC (who is happy to continue the normal 50:50 arrangement).

So you have two DSC not just this one? Your husband has two children with his ex? You have not said how old this other child is that he shares a room with at his mums? You have not said what his 20min walk to school would be like.

Hotfootgoose · 02/05/2023 13:54

Hold your ground. It’s dh responsibility. How dare the parents agree things in your absence that you are expected to undertake. It would be a hard no from me.

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 13:54

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:46

I also think it's shit to allow this because of really trivial things. He doesn't like how his mums house (reasonably) is run so he can just decide not to be there.

Are you allowed to discipline your DSC? If so, I would sit down with DH before he moves in and make up a set of rules and consequences. Rules about school, his room, his TV, his chores and everything else with the appropriate consequences next to each one. Then your DH has to agree that you get to enforce the rules/consequences.

One thing I dislike with the step situation is; far too often the SP is given a lot of responsibility for the child but isn't "allowed" to discipline. When the other parent finds out what the DSC did, they just shrug it off/lets it go, make excuses for DSC, or blames the SP for not being "understanding enough"/being a tattletale. That leaves the SP out in the cold with all the responsibility and none of the authority. That never works and is too often abused by the DSC.

It sounds like the DSC's mother is happy to pawn him off on someone else more often. I wonder why?

Ktime · 02/05/2023 13:54

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:34

Oh I'm not saying he can't come in. Just that I'm not going to be doing even more than I already do to facilitate it. He has two parents, why should they not be the ones to parent? If I didn't exist he wouldn't be able to just decide he's not staying at his mums as much, because there wouldn't be anyone here to do everything that entails.

Show quote history

I'd stop what you are already doing too.

You didn't sign up to be full time parent to him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/05/2023 13:55

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 13:52

I just think it's silly.

If I wasn't around there is no one they would even be able to entertain this idea. He has a perfectly capable mother, he might not like her house rules but that's hardly a shock for a nearly teen is it. If I wasn't here to facilitate everything, he'd not be able to move in because DH simply isn't around enough with his work. But because I am here it's fine...?

Quite. Your DH and his ex are the problem here. You need to sit him down and say it’s fine for DSC to live with you but your DH needs to get involved with childcare/pickups/domestic work. He can’t expect you to do all of this by default.

Confused5678 · 02/05/2023 13:55

Hi Op . You are not unreasonable at all . You have a DH problem .

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/05/2023 13:55

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 13:52

I just think it's silly.

If I wasn't around there is no one they would even be able to entertain this idea. He has a perfectly capable mother, he might not like her house rules but that's hardly a shock for a nearly teen is it. If I wasn't here to facilitate everything, he'd not be able to move in because DH simply isn't around enough with his work. But because I am here it's fine...?

Ask him where your child is going to go when they disagree with a house rule. See if that makes him realise that moving house over silly rules isn’t on.

Also ask him where the DSC is going to go when there are rules at your house they don’t like?

ittakes2 · 02/05/2023 13:55

Sorry but I think its really strange that you did not mention until well into your text that you actually have two DSC not just this one child. Is part of this that you have a personality clash with the 12 year old? We are all human - it does happen but its odd you have not mentioned you have another DSC you are also caring for 50% of the week.

Beamur · 02/05/2023 13:55

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 13:53

I think this is quite insightful. I agree that it is a slippery slope letting them pick where they live when objectively their set up is fine. Very easy for them to take advantage of this.

Show quote history

Agreed.
A 12 year old doesn't get to dictate terms like this.

Paq · 02/05/2023 13:56

If he's going to live in your house most of the time you definitely get a say in his upbringing. Not giving lifts here there and everywhere seems like a sensible standard to set.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/05/2023 13:57

It sounds like the DSC's mother is happy to pawn him off on someone else more often. I wonder why?

I wonder if she’s just pig sick of her ex doing stuff like this whenever her child objects to a rule.

A lot of people would have panicked and capitulated on the rule to prevent the moving out. I wouldn’t be surprised though that she knows Co-parenting with a Disney dad who accepts this as a reason for moving house is just going to get harder and harder as the teen years progress.

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 13:58

ittakes2 · 02/05/2023 13:55

Sorry but I think its really strange that you did not mention until well into your text that you actually have two DSC not just this one child. Is part of this that you have a personality clash with the 12 year old? We are all human - it does happen but its odd you have not mentioned you have another DSC you are also caring for 50% of the week.

Why is it odd? I'm not talking about my other DSC. They aren't the one asking to move in..

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 14:00

I don't not get on with the 12 year old. They are just a bit spoilt / babied for my liking (both of them although this thread is only talking about 12yo because he's the one wanting to stay here) with things like not having to do anything for themselves.

OP posts:
feralunderclass · 02/05/2023 14:00

Not doing school runs, fine, but mentioning washing and cooking (when you are already doing this for the family) is just mean and sending a very clear message that you are not a family.

KTheGrey · 02/05/2023 14:01

I agree with you, OP. The child has two parents and they have 50/50 custody. You don't have any responsibility for him , so everything you do should be extra. If his dad doesn't do parenting for his son when his son is at your house then he just needs to accept that a) a 12 year old can walk to school and b) you dictate the rules.

So if he comes to live at your house 100% of the time, his Mum pays you the child support and if I were you I would take ALL bedroom TVs away. Not fair on his brother otherwise.

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 14:01

feralunderclass · 02/05/2023 14:00

Not doing school runs, fine, but mentioning washing and cooking (when you are already doing this for the family) is just mean and sending a very clear message that you are not a family.

I mentioned it because it's all extra work that would be left to me.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 02/05/2023 14:04

I think YABU because the burden of domestic work you have saddled yourself with is not your step son’s fault.

SmallFerret · 02/05/2023 14:04

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 13:44

As long as you remain part-time, why wouldn't your H expect you to manage the vast majority of the grunt work at home?

Because DSS is not her responsibility and he needs to respect and accept that. He might reasonably expect her to do the vast majority of the work for responsibilities they share at home, but not that.

You know this a young human we're talking about, not an unwanted pet, right?

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 14:04

Jaxhog · 02/05/2023 12:53

Either you are all family, and YOU get some say in how he is parented. Or, they switch responsibilities between THEM and leave you out of it. They can't have it both ways.

I am starting to get the idea that the OP is given too much of the responsibility and none of the parental authority for the SC. The kid should not be getting waited on hand and foot at the OP's house. That should stop, immediately, especially on her part. She shouldn't cater to him, should make him do chores and make him realize that the house is not a 5-star hotel, and she is not the maid/chauffeur/can to kick.