To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

This is still me facilitating it in a roundabout way though isn't it? What we do now works, it works for DH (who loves his job and wouldn't drop his hours anyway), it works for me (to an extent), it works for our children who get to spend time with their mother, it works for his mum. Why should everyone change about because he wants a TV? I'm not going to agree to losing out on time with my own children because DSS doesn't like his mums fairly standard house rules.

At 12 years old there shouldn't be that much to do surely? Is there no public transport to school? He should be taking himself to and from school/ friends houses, making his own bed and bringing washing down and putting it away and helping with household chores

Well here on MN step parents have no responsibilities or obligations to their step children at all, so you will probably have lots of people telling you you are fine.

BUT personally I would not stay with someone who refused to live with my children.

I already do live with him half the week, and I practically do everything for him during that time.

I'm just saying I'm not going to do it all the time. Not for such a trivial reason.

There is no reason why a 12 yr old can't do a 20 min walk to and from school every day - plenty of others do.
Also stripping his bed, remaking it and putting his clothes away is a totally reasonable expectation.
Can his dad buy him a bus pass so he can get to see friends and attend hobbies etc?
Asking you do give him an occasional lift is fair enough but expecting you to completely facilitate his social life is unfair especially if you have little ones too.

I can see that a child (presumably) about to hit puberty might well prefer not to share a room.

On the basis that the child's parents think he can't walk 20 minutes to school, I guess I'd also wonder if any of the "house rules" were actually also inappropriate. It's very hard as a child to disagree with your parents. At 12, my parents enforced all sorts of stuff I didn't like, but wasn't inherently bad - like that I had to be in bed for 7.30pm, had to do a lot more household tasks than would normally be expected for a child of my age, wasn't allowed to read story books in the run up to tests/exams ... (I'm listing ones that looking back as an adult I still think were bad rules).

But she certainly does get a say in how much she is expected / willing to do to support this new person living in her home, and it very much sounds like it will all fall on the OP, which is far from fair when he already has two functioning parents.

The wicked step-mother brigade seem to be out in force today.

You can reasonably state your boundaries.
Unless I have missed a post / there's additional info a 12 year old can get to school themselves.
Beds etc -DH can do if DSS can't or if DH wants to carry on facilitating the full Disneyland experience.

There was another thread recently where a stepmother was doing all the running around for the stepkids, then decided to enforce a very strict boundary. One thing she said that struck me was that she had responsibilities but no rights. This is your issue here - you have responsibilities to this boy, but no rights.

If you are expected to take on responsibilities for him, then you have the right to decide, with your DH, the standard of behaviour that will be accepted in your house. That might mean walking to school, doing chores, helping with his younger siblings.

I do think that, at 12, he should have more of a say where he spends his time. TV aside, I'm not surprised he wants to spend more time at the house where he doesn't have to share a room. But if he's spending the majority of his time at your place, then your DH doesn't get to be Disney dad and it sounds like he will need to be a bit stricter.

It sounds like you do most of the housework/care if your joint DC?

Always the way with these issues, I bet if DH did his share you wouldn’t mind as much?

Instead, instead all of the graft will fall to you while DH isn’t affected?

I would be inclined to say I’m not doing anything extra and stick to it.
Maybe have a trial where house jobs are split (you/DH & age appropriate DSS self care)

Even without DSS staying more I’d be fairly splitting the graft.

If he's old enough to decide where he lives (I don't agree he is) then he's old enough to walk to school.

Absolutely put your foot down and don't drive him. They don't get to conscript you for daily chauffeuring services.

If Mum and Dad feel strongly about it then they can work it out between them.

It sounds like you all need to meet about it, and for you to be clear what you will and won't do.

Will his child maintenance payments reduce if DSC is with you full time? Could that money go towards a cleaner to offset the increase in the domestic load for you?

If he's with you half the time, how does he get to school on the days you have him?

If he doesn't have his own room at his mum's house but does at yours, then I can see why he wants to live in your house. But your husband needs to step up.

You must be reading a different MN to most of us, because the majority stance is always that the step parent has all the responsibilities and obligations (including those that rightly belong to the actual parents) but none of the rights.

Yanbu whatsoever and make sure you stick to your guns op, it's far too easy to give in because of guilt.
When dsd first moved in full time I was on maternity leave and did everything because I was at home, six months in I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown, I had gone from no children to 2 with a vastly different age range. After a serious conversation with dh, we redrew the boundaries and limits of what was expected of me a step-mum and since then its worked relatively well. I admire you putting your foot down beforehand, as like you said, they gave two parents neither of which are you and its really really not fair that you'll have to pick up all the brunt work to facilitate this.

Buy him a TV for his room at home - his mother can be the one inconvenienced.

This should have been a consideration when you met your dh! Having the step kids full time was always a possibility. What you need to do is have a frank discussion with your dh on what is expected of dss if he moves in starting with basic chores typical of a 12 year old and taking himself places - if this means moving school then so be it

It seems kind of sad that his mum is happy for him to just go if its all over a TV.

Your h is 100% in the wrong and has created this situation.

At 12, the judge would allow dss to choose who he lived with and wouldn't ask why. You need to let go of the tv issue. It's trivial but perfectly understandable that dss would prefer the house where he gets his own room. Your h made the TV decision and not dss mum or dss.

I was ready to say Yabu until I read that you work just 1 day a week less. Your h isn't unreasonable to ask you to help with the school run on days that you don't work as presumably his income means that you don't have to work the 5th day but your h needs to do more housework and childcare. It's completely unacceptable that you are doing 90% of it all.

Yanbu to be angry that there was no discussion when this decision affects you the most. Yanbu to say that you won't do more than you do now.

But they arnt discussing this with her so she doesn't have equal say in anything does she

Walking to school i should add should be a condition

How about saying to DSS that you've been doing a lot of thinking, his dad and you, and if he's coming to stay, the telly in the room is gone as he'll need to knuckle down at school and bring his grades up?
He doesn't need to know that you aren't actually going to be removing the telly from the room he stays in. Use it as a test to see if he really wants to move to your place or not, as that seems to be one of the things swinging in your favour at least in the mind of a 12 yr old.

Another step mum resenting her OH's child

Similar happened to us a couple of years ago. I was expected to help with things as I was part time.

I wasn’t even asked just expected to do a school run to a different school (‘oh it’s on your way’) kind of attitude.

3 days in a row dh got calls asking why dsd wasn’t there (I had told her to get the train and she didn’t) she was 14 so capable.
i was also expected to take her to appts in our time , again , I made sure dh was the contact and he would get the ‘why didn’t you attend’ calls and it didn’t take long to sort the issue out

As for sch run - no way would I be dragging x2 preschoolers out to do a run that takes said child 20mins.

DH is taking the piss.

I don't see it as resenting the child, more resenting the child's parent's tbh.