To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

I also think it's shit to allow this because of really trivial things. He doesn't like how his mums house (reasonably) is run so he can just decide not to be there.

I feel for you going thru this dilemma. I’m sitting on the fence a bit but if the current routine is working, tough doo doo that the lad hadn’t got a tv in his room at Ma’s and any other facilities he feels he lacks over there.

You can lay down as many rules and boundaries as you like but you’ll still be the main carer and school runner. Might start off ok but it’ll soon be you doing it all.

Id stick to my guns if I were you.

I think you are BU, it sounds like you don’t like DSC much at all.

The title of this thread is misleading, and I foresee dozens of posts responding to that rather than the content of your posts OP.

But no, of course you're NBU to refuse to take on this labour. DH and XP can't have it both ways. If the work of this is going to fall to you, that means you get an equal say. If you don't get a say, you don't do the work.

Step-mother bashing bingo!

Good on you for setting some boundaries! You may want to consider having this moved to the step parent board, you may get some more balanced views there

That's hilarious - if OP was an equal third parent you'd should be supporting her right to say she'd rather turn down the offer of all the extra work and support his closer relationship with his other mother instead.

Not wanting to share a room aged 12 is a perfectly sensible and understandable reason to live with the other parent. Parenting isn’t part time, if he wants to live with dad then his dad really should facilitate it if he can. His dad has accepted it’s now up to you and his dad to sort between you what to do. If you work part time presumably the expectation is you do slightly more of the childcare? Can’t he get public transport to school? Don’t do all the washing etc leave dad to sort it

It's not petty to suggest a 12 nearly 13 year old should be capable of walking 20 minutes to school. I think it's incredibly ridiculous that his parents disagree with that and I'm not going to change that opinion by sitting down with them and discussing it. There is no reason he can't, like the majority of his peers, walk to school. If his parents want to baby him and drive him to the gate from now until college they can do so themselves.

Op there is a step-parenting board.

You would get more informed responses there.

You need to assert that boundary regardless of where DSS is living.

Is the stepson's mother happy for her child to be at your house 90-100% time instead of the usual 50%? Why does a (selfish) teenager's desire for a tv usurp her parenting rights?

This is exactly how I see it.

A serious situation where he wasn't safe at his mums? Absolutely I'd be going to get him myself.

But messing everyone around because he disagrees with his mums stance about a TV in his room is not it. Should he be able to flit in-between whenever he doesn't agree with a house rule?

OP can behave like an adult and tell her DH that his son is welcome to live here but he will where the boy is not old enough to take responsibility to do things then DH will be doing them instead.

This means the OP will not be taking him to and from school, and he is expected to do chores e.g. tidy his own room, do some washing up.

You can't say he can't live with his father, if both his parents are in agreement with his wish to do so.

You absolutely can say his father needs to take responsibility for the extra work involved. This might mean him working less and you working more and a general rebalancing.

Surely he should be getting himself to and from school?

If he’s old enough to decide where he spends his time, it’s sure BECAUSE he’s able to get around for himself?

But I agree his Dad is responsible for the extra work that him moving in entails

Either you are all family, and YOU get some say in how he is parented. Or, they switch responsibilities between THEM and leave you out of it. They can't have it both ways.

But he can't due to his job? So really OP needs to go full time and earn more money, so the DH can reduce hours and take on the care of his child.

Can;t have it both ways!

Yes thank you. I don't care how they work it, so long as it is not a case of 'oh DSS is moving in so now you need to take him school every day, and take him to X hobby on a Wednesday, oh and be around all summer holidays for him to take him here and there'. Erm no! He can come more often but this stuff needs sorting between his parents.

You aren't being unreasonable to say you can't do everything, but you would be unreasonable to say he can't live with you.

I agrée with this. Both parents should be able to make decisions for their house, and I don’t think your H should be undermining his Mum by saying “oh yes stay here more because you don’t like the rules”.

My 14 yo does get to decide where she spends her time but she’s very self sufficient. Currently she’s 100% with me, but has been 50:50 in the past of her own choosing.

So if he was going to be there more than 50% of the time then surely that means his mum should be paying maintenance? That money could be his bus fare to get himself to and from school

The main responsibility that would seem to unfairly fall to you is the school run. Can a typical 12 year old undertake the journey independently from your home?

Presumably he will still live with his mum too? The additional laundry, bed making, etc wouldn't seem much more if going from 50% to say, 80%. You are reasonable to set your boundaries, and his father or DSD himself can take on these extra chores.