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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
Liorae · 06/05/2023 13:46

@SkinthinI think most people would get their backs up if they thought of anyone saying less than positive things about their children. That's normal iimo my mum says my dd has been challenging or acting bratty or whatever my back gets up.
Seriously? You think everyone should have to tip toe around you pretending your child is perfect?

bringincrazyback · 06/05/2023 15:32

Liorae · 06/05/2023 00:30

If OP is so horrible why does her stepson want to live with her instead of his own mother?

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Excellent question.

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 17:15

Liorae · 06/05/2023 13:46

@SkinthinI think most people would get their backs up if they thought of anyone saying less than positive things about their children. That's normal iimo my mum says my dd has been challenging or acting bratty or whatever my back gets up.
Seriously? You think everyone should have to tip toe around you pretending your child is perfect?

It obviously makes my heart sink a bit but I don't tell my mum off or say anything 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 because as I said previously it's my emotion to manage. But like with anything it's not a nice feeling getting negative feedback, and it makes me feel emotions, that doesn't mean I have/do act on them.

Probably didn't word that well.

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 17:18

Also just to note my Dd was lovely at 2 but turned into a horror at 3 with a lot of meltdowns so was objectively hard work.

I think sofa worded it better than I did in my previous post !!
I have add so describing my emotions aren't a strong point of mine !

joycies · 06/05/2023 17:34

Sounds totally spoilt and babied all along the line ! If he wants to be in their house so much then he needs to conform - nothing to do with favouritism !

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/05/2023 13:38

Write a list of everything you do for DSS, OP and then everything your DH does. Show him. Make a list of what extra will needed to be done and ask him what he will do. I think the cold hard facts may make your husband realise the reality of having his DS full time and how this can’t all fall to you.

Skinthin · 07/05/2023 14:53

candlesandbroomsticks · 06/05/2023 13:12

@Skinthin I think most people would get their backs up if they thought of anyone saying less than positive things about their children. That's normal iimo my mum says my dd has been challenging or acting bratty or whatever my back gets up.

But it's rare type of person that would say this type of thing directly and repeatedly to anyones children. I'm sure there are evil sp in this world (as there sadly parents) that hate their dsc, I just don't think they congregate on mn asking for advice. Those people don't ask for advice they just do it.

If say there is a step parent who is evil like the fairytale. Why does someone who's biologically not linked to the children take more responsibility and heat than the man who is legally and morally responsible for his Dc and owns a pair legs.

I think it's bullshit that mums are held to a higher standard than dads and it's even more bullshit when you put "step" in front of those titles.

Blended families work if there's a strong division between houses and people taking responsibility and accountability as parents.

It's just my opinion but behind every stressed out sm ranting about her DSC is usually a dad who has not or is not parenting and taking lead with the DSC. These men don't have guns to their heads they could act but they don't and either blame mum or sm and worst still they get mum and sm set against each other !

Hahah sorry for the rant 💐 ahh honestly I mostly just smile nicely and inwards roll eyes.

I'm sure there are evil sp in this world (as there sadly parents) that hate their dsc, I just don't think they congregate on mn asking for advice

Actually, I’m sure there are very few genuinely evil step parents . I’m sure they are not the ones on mumsnet asking for advice. But you don’t need to be an evil, fairytale step-parent to really fuck a child up unfortunately (sorry for language). I think being a step parent is a really hard role, and it does require a lot of personal introspection and sacrifice. Unfortunately it seems to be the general orthodoxy on mumsnet that step parents shouldn’t have to sacrifice , and should be free to do exactly as they please.

totally agree with this though :
I think it's bullshit that mums are held to a higher standard than dads
And
It's just my opinion but behind every stressed out sm ranting about her DSC is usually a dad who has not or is not parenting and taking lead with the DSC!!

Skinthin · 07/05/2023 14:55

Liorae · 06/05/2023 13:46

@SkinthinI think most people would get their backs up if they thought of anyone saying less than positive things about their children. That's normal iimo my mum says my dd has been challenging or acting bratty or whatever my back gets up.
Seriously? You think everyone should have to tip toe around you pretending your child is perfect?

seriously? If someone called my child spoiled and babied I’d be furious.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 15:26

seriously? If someone called my child spoiled and babied I’d be furious.

People do regularly say these things about other people's children, though. Just not to their parents face.

PixieLaLa · 07/05/2023 16:28

A lot of kids are spoilt and babied though, just because OP is a step mum she isn’t allowed to notice this? Such nonsense.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/05/2023 16:32

Skinthin · 07/05/2023 14:55

seriously? If someone called my child spoiled and babied I’d be furious.

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Even if they were?

If one of mine was spoiled and babied I’d expect my DH, my MIL or my best friend to tell me so.

Liorae · 08/05/2023 05:39

Skinthin · 07/05/2023 14:55

seriously? If someone called my child spoiled and babied I’d be furious.

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Is your child spoiled and babied?

Bansheed · 08/05/2023 05:59

Describe a spoilt and babied child to me?

That seems incredibly subjective and a bit of a race to the bottom of how little one does for a child.

Codlingmoths · 08/05/2023 06:03

Liorae · 08/05/2023 05:39

Is your child spoiled and babied?

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I find the parents of spoilt babied children do NOT welcome honest opinions. Surprising, I know.

Liorae · 08/05/2023 06:28

Bansheed · 08/05/2023 05:59

Describe a spoilt and babied child to me?

That seems incredibly subjective and a bit of a race to the bottom of how little one does for a child.

I'd start with can't walk 20 minutes to school.

Bloopsie · 08/05/2023 06:41

Why another man who movwa in with a woman along with a kid from previous relationship? Seesh where do you women find loosers like this.

Skinthin · 08/05/2023 07:20

Liorae · 08/05/2023 06:28

I'd start with can't walk 20 minutes to school.

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I actually think it’s a bit weird and messed up that you all think it’s oh so “spoiled” for a 12 year old to be walked to school. There could be many reasons why that actually might be appropriate/ necessary for a child’s security and wellbeing .
(Not saying that’s the case in OP’s family- we don’t know enough about the context). But to call a child doing something like that for their child as necessarily spoiling and babying them, is f’ed up tbh.

Skinthin · 08/05/2023 07:21

*parent doing that for their child

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/05/2023 11:47

Bansheed · 08/05/2023 05:59

Describe a spoilt and babied child to me?

That seems incredibly subjective and a bit of a race to the bottom of how little one does for a child.

It is subjective.

But given the Op knows the child and knows the walk then the school walk is a good example.

I have a relation whose child is very babied with things like that - isn’t allowed to walk to school themselves as it’s not safe (it’s fine), isn’t allowed to make toast or the likes, isn’t allowed to walk to the shop with friends. They’re 13. They’re absolutely babied. And it’s not for their benefit either. It’s the parent who won’t let their child grow.

Saying that a child is babied, or even spoiled, isn’t a criticism of the child. It’s a criticism of the parent imo.

ImAvingOops · 08/05/2023 11:48

I will often take my 15 year old to school - my kid, my business and I don't care what other people think about it. The problem occurs if parents are expecting someone else to do this for their child and the someone else is the step mum, who wouldn't do it for her own kids and doesn't see why she should make a special trip out for theirs!

I do believe it's important for kids to be treated equally and fairly in a blended set up where they live under the same roof - it doesn't work well when there are vastly different rules for each child (age appropriate rules aside). This is difficult though when a step parent is being asked to do more for her step children than their actual parents in an effort to be equal and fair.

SpecialControlGroup · 08/05/2023 13:15

seriously? If someone called my child spoiled and babied I’d be furious.

I'm sure you would be, as it is a criticism of you and your parenting, not of your child

Liorae · 08/05/2023 13:24

Codlingmoths · 08/05/2023 06:03

I find the parents of spoilt babied children do NOT welcome honest opinions. Surprising, I know.

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Indeed. Nobody worse for excusing their own child's behavior.

CrazyLadie · 10/05/2023 14:56

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:49

It's not petty to suggest a 12 nearly 13 year old should be capable of walking 20 minutes to school. I think it's incredibly ridiculous that his parents disagree with that and I'm not going to change that opinion by sitting down with them and discussing it. There is no reason he can't, like the majority of his peers, walk to school. If his parents want to baby him and drive him to the gate from now until college they can do so themselves.

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No ots really not, ny 12 yo walks to school by himself each day. He also keeps him room clean and tidy, changes and remakes his bed, cleans the bathroom cause he is the one that pees outwith the toilet, he hangs out washing regularly and sometimes sweeps/mops if I am having a mad clean. No way a 12 yo should be waited on or should not being doing chores. As parents the best lesson we can teach our kids is how to live without us. I can understand both sides here but I also think both sides need to compromise and hubby needs to install and ensure chores etc are done and not left to you.

CrazyLadie · 10/05/2023 15:08

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 14:19

Erm no? I'm not expecting anyone to disappear. That's a bit dramatic. You can't force yourself to love someone, certainly not as much as your own children. I think that's a wholly unreasonable expectation to place on someone.

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No you are not expected to live them the same bit you do need to treat them the same or you will cause major issues

RafaistheKingofClay · 10/05/2023 15:25

I don’t think you can treat preschoolers and teenagers the same can you. All the OP can do is treat them how she plans to treat her preschoolers when they are older.

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