To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

He doesn’t have to have a TV in his room does he. That would determine whether he’s really coming for an easier ride. Poor kid, would be horrible at that age to feel like you’re not massively welcome.

No, he has two parents.

‘Step-parent’ means you are married to a parent, that’s it. Anything else is to be agreed; nothing is duty-bound.

I wouldn’t stay with someone who expected me to do everything round the house, work and take care of the kids including theirs from another relationship, didn’t consult me about moving them in and then dismiss any concerns I might have either!

This husband needs to step up, share the workload equally and take some of the weight of his wife if he expects his son to also live there. These are joint children also so he needs to do his share of parenting and housework instead of expecting her to do it all whilst he dictates who she’s caring for 7 days a week. I’m no step parent but I certainly wouldn’t put up with that from anyone. Be clear on your reasons op, tell him he doesn’t do enough for the kids who live full time in the home so no you don’t have time to add in extra school runs etc what is it he will be doing to help or does the kid move in and dad gets to do nothing still? I can see why the x ex got rid it’s like passing shit men on really isn’t it, they are lovely people but thick as mince and just as lazy

Stop doing so much for him. He's 12. A normal 12 year old can get himself up, dressed, fed and off to school. My now adult children were taught how to do their own laundry at 11. By early teens they could plan and cook a meal for the family and clean up after.

Also, stop putting this on the child. You have a DH problem. Tell your DH directly that while his son lives there, the boy will help take care of himself and contribute to the household, period. Then your DH needs to sit down with his son, set some well-defined boundaries, and enforce them.

Don't discuss "IF he moves in".

Tell DH, and his ex, in writing, that you refuse to have him move in full time, and remind him that they do NOT make decisions on childcare without consulting the main care provider. YOU.

My DH does so much for my son (his DSC) so it's a shame your relationship isn't similar.

How close do you live to your DSC's mum?

Can she collect him from yours and drive him backwards and forwards to school 50% of the time?

Does his Mum take him to school when he's with her? Is she further away?

Stick to your guns, it's one thing to welcome a child into your home, it's quite another to be a dogsbody for someone who had two capable parents. They can't decide what he 'needs' and then expect you to fulfil it!

You might be able to solve this problem for yourself by taking the TV out of his room.

Maybe institute a no-screen policy for your house.

See how quick he flees.

OP said her children are under school age, so presumably she saves them paying as much in nursery fees by working part time. So she’s doing her bit for the household that way.

The reason she works part time is primarily because of the children she is responsible for - her own. She wouldn’t exactly be working part time for DSS would she?

He’s working full time and his career is unaffected thanks to the OP. Presumably OP doesn’t mind making that compromise for her own children. But I don’t see why she should make a further compromise (ie make her time at home more stressful) and her husband be largely unaffected by a new big arrangement that involves HIS child.

So no. I don’t think OP owes him this because he’s the big man bringing the money in. She does enough.

Can your husband tell his ex that you've already lots of commitments so won't have time to be doing other things. Therefore they need to agree to put a TV in his room at his mums, or take the one out of his room at your house?

OP I actually agree with you. The issue isn't that your not wanting your step son as such but that you are being expected to do all the work for another child. It's a huge ask and actually not really your place when he has 2 parents. While I agree a step parents role is hugely important his parents should be doing a lot the work and at 12 he can make his own way too school. I would be saying the same as to me the reason I don't want more kids is I do not want to cook, clean, run after, take go activities, do more school runs for another child. If your DH steps up there isn't an issue but until he does there is a huge one. I would start refusing to do school runs, refusing to tidy his room (he is 12 and should do that himself), refusing to do his washing unless it's in the washing basket and your DH does half the weekly washing. This sounds harsh not actually it's about your DH stepping up and taking care of his child. You already do that so now he can do it himself. I would also be setting firm boundaries so your stepson and DH know what is expected of them both.

Take the tv out of the room and get step son to do his fair share of helping out! He is 12, not a baby. He can do his own laundry, changing bed etc. If he wants to move in, state the rules.

If it’s genuinely just about the tv I’d really lose a bit of respect for my DH if he was actively encouraging less time with his mother just for that.

Disney parenting does no favours to anyone and allowing his DC to play him and his ex off against each other like that is not good parenting.

YANBU at all you’d be doing more parenting than his actual parents..

I think your DH needs reminding that his son already has 2 parents, neither of whom have the right to unilaterally decide that you are now responsible for facilitating their son's life.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your DSS to want to come and live with his father and I think blocking that or indicating that you think this is unfair would be very problematic for your relationship with him.

But it’s absolutely not on for you to be expected by default to pick up all the caring responsibilities relating to this by your DH. The fact that you work PT is neither here nor there. Your DH needs to accept that if the boy comes to live with you FT he needs to step up on this front. I think unilaterally deciding that you will take him to school and back without consulting you is complicated unfair. The issue is your DH, not your DSS.

Lol as a mother of a 11 year old boy I totally agree with this. Plus adding in riles such as you put your washing in the washing basket daily, you clean your room x times a week, you make your own way to school and make your own snack after school, your own packed lunch etc. My nuerodiverse 11 year old is expected to do these things so no reason why your step son can't. It's part of teaching independence skills.

If you work part time presumably the expectation is you do slightly more of the childcare?

Of their joint children, yes, like it is in nuclear families. The DSC is an additional responsibility unique to him.

I think you are absolutely in the right OP - I would be saying the same things as you. He can move in but all the extra work (and then some as you're already being taken advantage of now which will stop) will fall to his dad. You won't be doing any school runs or tidying up after him. There's nothing unreasonable about that, your DH should expect to do those things.

Why are you taking him to school at all? Is there something wrong with his legs or some other special needs going on? Tell DH you’ve decided that all lifts to school are stopping completely, whether DSS moves in full time or not.

Its time to stop being a mug.

If he’s predominantly with you, his mum will need to pay maintenance; a couple of hours’ of paid cleaning (including SS’s room) might free up your time elsewhere?

I’d put my foot down about school runs though, at twelve he can walk for twenty minutes.

YANBU to not want to do everything for the DSS, but YABU for saying that he can't live with you full time if that's what he wants to do. You shouldn't have got into a relationship with someone who had a child if you didn't want to accept the responsibility that goes along with that.

Your DH needs to step up and do stuff for his son, but you might need to become the main breadwinner and work full time in order to facilitate this. You can't carry on being the parent with more time at home if you're only willing to give that time to some of the household children.

I think you need to manage your DHs expectations of what having his son at the house more often would look like. For example, you will not be doing school run, how will SS get to school, walk, bus, cycle etc. what jobs will SS be expected to do- keep room tidy, change bedding, put dirty laundry in basket, iron school shirts etc. dinners and laundry shouldn’t be too much more as you’d be doing it anyway. once this list has been established between you, a discussion between DH and SS can take place.

Another step-mum being used as unpaid childcare.

Another parent not parenting their own child.

Another preteen trying to manipulate their parents to get their own way.

The list goes on

I completely agree its not fair that his parents are basically deciding you do more work - but you have become quite focused about this mostly being about a TV in his room. I don't think it is - you say he shares a room at his mum's...with who? How many kid/s and age and sex of them?
Also this 20mins walk to school. You don't say the landscape in this 20mins. Is it over a busy high way? Country road? is it well lit? Does he have street smarts? I know at 12 my son was not able to cross a busy local road which did not have street lights and the speed limit was 60. It was only one carriage way both ways but he was not capable of judging traffic speed.
One thing I don't get is if its save for him to walk to school...who is actually making you take him. Your husband? And how is he doing that he is not even home when it happens?

Stick to your guns OP.

Sounds like you will be doing virtually all the 'active parenting' whilst his biological parents do fuck all.

And all because of his cushty set up in his bedroom at his dad's.

I would also note that it feels like you have been informed of this arrangement rather than consulted when it has the MOST impact on you.

Your DH is taking the piss and DH's Ex is taking the piss. Your DSS is acting like a typical teenager (which I can't blame him for. I would've done the same).