To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

If you are expected to be the third parent for the grunt work, then you get an equal say in all other arrangements. Only fair.
So no more TV in his room.
He's old enough to get himself to school. Unless there's something developmentally that hinders this.

At 12, unless there’s transport issues (ie, you live middle of nowhere), he should be able to get himself to school. Can he walk to school, or use public transport? Maybe slowly reduce the lifts, so by half term, he’ll be able to do the journey himself.

if he lives with you 50% + of the time, it’s time to start setting house rules for all the family. Set your boundaries now. Dss doesn’t get to call the shots. You and dh needs to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

I have just read that it’s a 20 mins walk to school. He should definitely be walking. At that age I walked 25 mins to school and I my son has been walking (with me) a 15 mins walk to school since he was 3 (pre school is on same site as his primary).

This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me.

Understandable that you feel resentment - but why only about DSC, & not your own children?

Your H sounds equally at ease in letting you assume the full burden of childcare for ALL the DC, not just your stepson, so why have you started to resent having DSC, instead of his dad, who is the party at fault here?

The solution isn't to kick off about your stepchild.
It;s to kick off at your H, change your part-time job for a full-time one, & demand equal shares of the domestic load. It's the only way you have any hope of achieving the parity you want & - ought to be enjoying - within your marriage.

YANBU. If your DH and ex want him to live with you, between THEM, THEY need to sort out his transport and any other additional needs.
But this is MN, you'll be called an evil step mother and be told to DSC before your own

Get rid of the tv...

I guess children that live with you full time have to follow house rules. No doubt chores etc will increase as they get older? My 12yo walks to school - my older child went on the school bus from the age of 11. Not really understanding why you have to do school run for a 12yo? Perhaps if the journey is harder from your end he may decide he's better off where he is?
But if you do take that approach and he does move in, it will only be fair if your own kids also have to do that in due course.

It's totally reasonable for him to come and live with you. It's his home. However, I think it's reasonable for you to have some rules. He can walk to school and he needs to try and clean up after himself.

I’ve got step kids that are teenagers and one primary school age and we’ve been through this. Ok so before we even get to the issue you have with it ( school runs extra washing etc. I would feel the same btw) it is a VERY bad move to start letting kids dictate where they live at this age. Unless mum is abusing him or there’s some form of safeguarding risk letting him pick and choose is just going to end up with lots of issues further down the line. Every time things don’t go his way in one home he’ll be off to the other parent. There will be lots of boundary pushing further down the line. His mum needs to work on her relationship with hun like she would if he lived with her full time. Dad should be supporting this and supporting her. I would drop the argument over the division of labour ( I don’t know your set up but if you working part time is facilitated by dh working full it muddies the waters) and focus on relationships and a fair split of access.

Hmmm. I would not totally change the way we do things as a family - becoming the main breadwinner with all that that entails (possible loss of needed earnings, impact on other children in the house used to a certain caregiver) just because the DSC says that's what they want. I don't know many people that would just automatically make that level of change because their child wants it, nuclear family or not - you don't have to say yes to everything. You weigh up the pros and cons. So, like OP said, if he was in some sort of dire situation at his mum's you might consider it worth it. But given that he isn't, it's perfectly reasonable to say it's not and the negatives of this change outweigh the positives.

What does the mum think? I can't imagine she's thrilled at her DS sa ring to love with his father full time? Is that in his best interests?

I agree though that your H does the work. And no 12 year old needs a lift to school. He can get the bus like everyone else or walk. I'd be dropping lifts straight away irrespective of whether he comes full time.

Your H is BU for offering up your time without discussing it first. Another lazy bloke finding the nearest woman to take on his responsibilities.

Oh I see.

You expect to continue with the current working arrangement that leaves you sucking up all the childcare & domestic load - but are planning to carry on doing everything for your own children, but just not for DSC?

Nice one. That won't make DSC feel dreadful, & hand your H the ammunition he needs to berate you for singling his child out, will it?

You are entirely focused on the wrong family member here.
It's your H who needs to change, & start accepting that he needs to do more for ALL the children, & his home.
Your best bet for making him accept that is to strengthen your working position. As long as you remain part-time, why wouldn't your H expect you to manage the vast majority of the grunt work at home?

And before having DC with my DP I discussed with him that that would mean me staying at home and earning less, but I wasn't willing to become childcare for my DSS, so it would limit his options/stretch him thin there. It was his choice to make. The arrangement we have regarding who works and who provides childcare relates to our shared children only. Who will pay for and look after DSS is an additional consideration for him only.

How many bedrooms do you have? Does SS only have his own room at the moment because your two are so young and share? Because long term surely they will need their own bedrooms….Im just picturing you having a 20 year old man child in your house with his own room/tv still and your kids having to share because DH still lets him get everything he wants and did pretty much no parenting after he moved in with you full time! Definitely put your foot down before it’s too late!

As long as you remain part-time, why wouldn't your H expect you to manage the vast majority of the grunt work at home?

Because DSS is not her responsibility and he needs to respect and accept that. He might reasonably expect her to do the vast majority of the work for responsibilities they share at home, but not that.

I think it's completely unreasonable that they made a decision that will impact you massively without even talking to you about it. That's the bit I can't get my head around. Like you are their resource or servant rather than a person who gets a say. If you're not involved in the decision you can't be expected to take on the work that results from the decision. What would they do if you decided you'd had enough and left! I'm sure they'd find a way to make it work! Maybe you should say he can move in full time on the condition that he has no TV in his room 😂 see if he still wants to. I fail to see how he has two parents but you have to do everything for him at his age.

Am I the only one who is wondering what does the mum say about this? Is she happy that she will not get any time with her son anymore? Has your DH discussed this with his ex to see if she was happy for him to move in with you full time?

You have a DH problem.

It would be different if he was contributing to the house and childcare equally but he isn't. He would have stepped up all by himself long before if he believed in doing his fair share and in equality but his actions show his selfishness and that he sees you as unpaid labor meant to facilitate his life.

He's got a cushy setup with you doing everything and contributing financially while he goes about his life unchanged and only does the bits he wants to do.

He's perfectly fine for you to do everything in the house and childcare and it's clear his expectations that you'll just do it.

Remove the incentive by taking the tv out of his room.

Understandable that you feel resentment - but why only about DSC, & not your own children?

I guess it's easier to accept (it's not right I agree but easier) when it's my own children. Obviously I have the unconditional love there for my own children and I enjoy caring for them a lot more than I do DSS. I don't disagree that it's also not okay to be left doing everything for our DC either but it definitely feels less of an issue than being left doing everything for DSC too.

At his mums he shares with my other DSC (who is happy to continue the normal 50:50 arrangement).

Understandable that you feel resentment - but why only about DSC, & not your own children?

Because presumably she was ok with working part time to look after her own children? The arrangement didn’t originally involve DSS and now the goal posts are being changed. I’d feel resentful about that too.

And yes, I went part time for the benefit of our children, not so that DSCs parents didn't have to parent their own children.

No way should he be driven to school if it’s only a 20 minute walk! That’s crazy. Total waste of fuel and the drivers time. He isn’t a small kid, he’s at secondary.

the exercise of a short walk twice a day can only benefit him.

making his own way to and from school, keeping his room tidy and doing normal household chores.

Entirely reasonable to have him more often and take the choosing where he lives as a sign of independence, so that he is ready more than ready to make his own way to school etc.

Once he noticed that you stick to this entirely reasonable boundary, it will either be the making of him or he will slope off back to his DM's home.

win:win, so long as you are absolutely clear with DH and he doesn't undermine your decision. It's absolutely vital for all DC to see you acting together, to not play you off against each other. Remind DH of this then stick to it.

Not easy, but very, very simple.

Presumably you also get a say in how to parent your own children, not this ridiculous situation where you don't get a say but are expected to suck up the decisions that your DSC's parents make.