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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 23:20

lionsleepstonight · 02/05/2023 07:46

Is he from a previous relationship? It seems weird that you're so quick to cast him aside so you can fit into a traditional 2 kids family.

Feels Mean. You had 3 kids so I think you need to suck up the continued expense. He's 19 not 29.

I have to apologize and give credit where it is due, this poster @lionsleepstonight is the first person to catch the fact he is the stepson! It took me a few pages to realize, and also credit to the other posters who saw it too.

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 23:22

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Buebananas · 02/05/2023 23:24

*I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family.*

The way you describe your step son is really unkind imo

Kay286 · 02/05/2023 23:27

Sounds bit mean and I couldnt refuse my 19 year old if she asked but I would always be inviting her anyway - sounds like you don’t like him.
however he is 19 so just say he will have to pay towards Alton towers.
The holiday day you are able to only pay towards one of them … the holiday with his friends or the family holiday I bet he will be quick to change his mind 🤣

Birdsongsinging · 02/05/2023 23:27

Agree, feel sorry for the step son who is being treated so badly. He is part of your family whether you like it or not. You need to start treating him more fairly.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 23:33

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 23:20

I have to apologize and give credit where it is due, this poster @lionsleepstonight is the first person to catch the fact he is the stepson! It took me a few pages to realize, and also credit to the other posters who saw it too.

Show quote history

Damn it, I thought I was first to call “step son” (on the first page) but didn’t read this post slightly before mine.

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 23:36

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 23:33

Damn it, I thought I was first to call “step son” (on the first page) but didn’t read this post slightly before mine.

Show quote history

You were still way before me 😂 I was so proud of myself and went back to quote my own comment to announce I was right, then seconds after I posted that, I stumbled onto several other commenters before me who’d figured it out a long time before I did 😳😄

Mumandcarer · 02/05/2023 23:41

He should be paying his own way. I payed for a two week holiday in Benidorm when I was 19. Only had a part time job but I never expected it to be payed for. You’ve already promised Barcelona. But he’s just expecting you to have a magic money tree. Just book for a different date and go without telling him. It’s unfair on the younger dc if you don’t go.

HipHipCimorene · 02/05/2023 23:42

Mumandcarer · 02/05/2023 23:41

He should be paying his own way. I payed for a two week holiday in Benidorm when I was 19. Only had a part time job but I never expected it to be payed for. You’ve already promised Barcelona. But he’s just expecting you to have a magic money tree. Just book for a different date and go without telling him. It’s unfair on the younger dc if you don’t go.

Wow!
No wonder young males have such high suicide rates

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 23:49

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 23:36

You were still way before me 😂 I was so proud of myself and went back to quote my own comment to announce I was right, then seconds after I posted that, I stumbled onto several other commenters before me who’d figured it out a long time before I did 😳😄

Show quote history

I know it’s not a competition but still 😂😂

AngryBirdsNoMore · 02/05/2023 23:52

He’s an adult who bullies a child with limited hearing.

Id be very clear that unless he stops that entirely and immediately he isn’t invited anywhere.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 02/05/2023 23:52

HipHipCimorene · 02/05/2023 23:42

Wow!
No wonder young males have such high suicide rates

Show quote history

Shame on you for this disgusting post.

young men don’t kill themselves because they only get two holidays a year.

HipHipCimorene · 02/05/2023 23:55

AngryBirdsNoMore · 02/05/2023 23:52

Shame on you for this disgusting post.

young men don’t kill themselves because they only get two holidays a year.

Show quote history

You need to read between the lines sometimes.
OP is his step mum and doesnt want him on the holiday because she clearly doesn’t feel he’s part of the family.
Further more
My comment related to the poster I attached who said go on holiday and don’t even tell him………hello!

Mumandcarer · 02/05/2023 23:56

Oh here we go the old MH what 19 year old wants to go to a theme park with they’re parents? I certainly never he’s mentally well enough to plan a boozy holiday with his mate’s. But will be depressed because he misses out on a free trip to Alton towers. Do you think he’s going to want to hang around them all day? I doubt it he’ll expect to be able to invite someone to go with him so he enjoys it. Which will push the price up.

clipclop5 · 03/05/2023 01:30

DD is also 19 and I would never dream of leaving her out of a family holiday. She paid for a week away in Spain with her best friend and will be coming away with us as well (which we are of course paying for)

Bexblue · 03/05/2023 02:01

I'd ask him to contribute to it but I'd be thrilled if at 19 my children still wanted to hang out with their mum and dad and realise that those days maybe few and far between so grab it with both hands .

Bexblue · 03/05/2023 02:05

I also think it sounds like you're palming him off by throwing money at a holiday for him so you can say you're doing something for him but in reality it's so u don't have to deal with him

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 07:09

Mumandcarer · 02/05/2023 23:41

He should be paying his own way. I payed for a two week holiday in Benidorm when I was 19. Only had a part time job but I never expected it to be payed for. You’ve already promised Barcelona. But he’s just expecting you to have a magic money tree. Just book for a different date and go without telling him. It’s unfair on the younger dc if you don’t go.

No, he is the op's step son who seems not welcome to join in with her own children's holidays.

His dad, who seems well off, is paying for a birthday trip to Barcelona with him.

And he is saving money to ho to University

rookiemere · 03/05/2023 07:17

If nothing has been booked yet, then presumably the nature of the summer holiday can be changed to include SDS without it costing a huge amount more i.e. self catering rather than a hotel.

I do think it's a bit much to pay for his lad's holiday and also for him to go on a family holiday, but if it were my DS and I earned enough money to do it - which his DF does - then I'd want it to happen, if he wanted to go.

Flatandhappy · 03/05/2023 07:22

He is 19, not 9, and should understand about the cost of things. I think it is irrelevant that he is a DSS, he is already getting a holiday with his mates and a weekend abroad with his dad. If anything the fact that he is a step probably means he gets holidays with his mum as well. I would say you can afford to subsidise his holiday with his mates OR take him on your family holiday but not both.

Newmumatlast · 03/05/2023 07:24

I'm so surprised at the responses here. I wouldve thought anyone who loves their kids and wants to spend time with them would want them to come. But then I'm in my 30s and though holiday by myself, also holiday with my parents and my siblings and our families because we actually like eachother. I understand perhaps asking for a contribution (though if you have the money, I think you're being tight - I would pay for them to come) but not to deny them the chance at all. I think from memory my parents, who arent that flush, still took me on paid for family holidays until I finished uni and didnt deny me because I had separate ones too because they wanted to be with me. But then they didnt have a large age gap with other kids they wanted to spend the time with more than me.

Bobhear · 03/05/2023 07:25

Sometimes I think people think they can always pick and choose when they do everything as a family. I think at 19 if you want to come to Alton Towers with regarding the family holiday I think you should’ve talked to him beforehand because if you book it in advance is cheaper, and if you want to go and tell him he’ll have to pay for his own room, but your help towards the flights but most people have said this on here, why hasn’t he got his own job?

Newmumatlast · 03/05/2023 07:29

Ah I see what it is about now, hes a step child. I think this depends what your relationship is like, how much you see one another and who is paying I.e. yourself or your husband bearing in mind it's your husband and his ex that are responsible for maintenance not you.

This has made me confront my feelings about my own stepchild though. I wouldnt pay for them to come on the family holiday now they're in their 20s and I have young kids but that's because since I've had kids I am much more conscious of making sure I am using my money to fund them as I've chosen to bring them into the world. I wouldn't expect my adult stepchild to come on all family holidays - however I accept I may in the future feel different about my own kids. I think that has a lot to do with the fact they didnt grow up in my home, I met them after 7, and contact was inconsistent at times. It's sad that I feel this way though. I certainly wouldnt refuse to let them come on holiday with us though if they wanted to and paid.

Alainlechat · 03/05/2023 07:31

My dd18 had the choice to come on the family holiday or be given the equivalent to go with her friends. She chose the family holiday. We couldn't and wouldn't pay for both.

If we were going to Alton Towers she would absolutely want to come and we wouldn't exclude her.

Xrays · 03/05/2023 07:34

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 22:48

She has got glue ear so doesn't always hear back ground noise.

So if for example he walks in the kitchen and says something to her from behind, he gets annoyed if she doesn't respond.

We have explained many times that she probably can't hear him.

He take umbridge and makes a point of them blanking her.

This is totally unacceptable. He wouldn’t be getting anything else from me unless he stops this awful bullying.