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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

282 replies

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:21

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

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determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 23:24

Oh blimey. I often think that people would do well to be videoed and have to watch back their interactions. I think it applies to everyone actually to see what they are doing right and wrong. I've been on dates with quite a few men like this. First date only!

Pipersouth · 01/05/2023 23:25

At least he’s trying give him some credit - maybe he’s just nervous about how much to tell new friends

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 23:25

Does your husband ever ask anyone else a question? Does he, when asking a question, just think of what his own answer would be?

Zarah123 · 01/05/2023 23:27

I think that does sound dull but I would say though that if everyone keeps their answers short and to the point, then you may not have conversations.

I’m quite quiet with many people because I’d rather speak when I think I have something interesting to say, but actually people’s ideas of interesting can differ.

DurhamDales · 01/05/2023 23:27

But presumably he was the same before you married him? And it didn’t bother you then? Anyway sounds interesting to me.

Emotionalstorm · 01/05/2023 23:28

Why did you choose to marry him if you think he's boring? I wouldn't continue dating someone I didn't find interesting and funny.

Circumferences · 01/05/2023 23:30

Is there a chance he's on the spectrum? Lacking in social awareness?

Casba · 01/05/2023 23:30

Yes. I find it a bit strange you've chosen to marry someone you find boring.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 23:30

People change as they get older. Why are you asking why is she married him? Presumably he wasn't like that then.

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:32

No, he doesn’t really ask questions- he just talks. Yes, I really wish he could see a video of himself and how others were fidgeting while he rabbits on.

Also, when other people tell a story, instead of just saying something like “ Wow, that sounds amazing” or something along those lines, he always comes up with a story about when he’s done something similar or, worse, better than them - I know he doesn’t mean to sound boastful - I think he thinks he’s just being conversational - but that’s how it comes across.

I probably sound like a right cow but it just embarrasses me.

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Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:33

…. I guess I didn’t really notice it back before we married.

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pizzaHeart · 01/05/2023 23:34

Do you think it’s his lack of social skills or general selfishness?

AssertiveGertrude · 01/05/2023 23:35

He isn’t socially intuitive
I would spell it out to him and maybe rehearse an answer (if it was a frequent thing)

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:35

He’s definitely not selfish but yes, lack of social skills/awareness I think.

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Mrstwiddle · 01/05/2023 23:35

That sounds really tiresome and I'd find it embarrassing too. Have you tried telling him (nicely!) that he's too long winded? If you have and he's ignoring that, then I can understand being fed up.

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:36

I’ve tried mentioning it before and he gets quite offended.

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bornintheuk2 · 01/05/2023 23:36

Mine wasn't boring when we first married but over the years he goes more deeply into his hobby subjects and now really is incredibly boring when he goes on and on. People can't ask questions cos he doesn't give them a chance. He'll read an interesting extract from a book but not know when to stop. He doesn't recognise signs (could be on the spectrum I suspect)

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:37

@bornintheuk2 how do you deal with it?
I love meeting new people, going out with friends but I dread him doing this!!!

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Babyroobs · 01/05/2023 23:39

There's no way to make IT support sound interesting to be honest. I am married to one too.

Plethoraofwoo · 01/05/2023 23:40

Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like.
this really hit me tbh.

I too am married to a waffler, no he didn’t seem this boring when we met. I am frequently nudging him with my foot, glaring or rolling my eyes at him as he starts yet another tale. I’d like to think I do it discreetly to hint at him to shut up but I’d never be so cruel as to do that in front of people!

when other people tell a story, instead of just saying something like “ Wow, that sounds amazing” or something along those lines, he always comes up with a story about when he’s done something similar
Yes, mine does this too. But many people do this to a certain extent. I think we just feel they are boring people because we’ve heard them waffle on so many times maybe?

LightDrizzle · 01/05/2023 23:42

How old are you both?

I’ve noticed DH doing more of what @determinedtomakethiswork is describing. DH is early 60s. He’s not terrible but I noticed it a few times on a recent weekend away with another couple. He interrupted quite a lot to take over a topic and relate his own relevant anecdote before the speaker had finished. It was most annoying and obvious when our friend was describing an experience I was actually really interested in hearing about; driving an F2 car. DH kept interrupting to talk about his oft-repeated experience of driving an Ariel Atom on a track day and despite me at one point asking him “Have ever driven an F2 car though?” he didn’t take the hint and kept bringing it back to him. It did feel like he was only interested in talking and not in listening.

I really hope we aren’t on a downward spiral. Ironically he’s acutely aware of anyone interrupting him!

I don’t know why they don’t realise. DH is very intelligent and a nice bloke. - Oh! and while I’m on a roll, he also thinks he’s the most succinct of speakers and meeting chair but in fact he often drones on a bit and spends too long on tangents.

To be fair he’d say I’m ever more forgetful and scatterbrained and he’a probably right, and I’m only early 50s.

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:46

He doesn’t work in IT, I was just trying to give an example of how he describes his job. To be honest, I think unless you’re a Hollywood stunt double, most jobs are boring to other people if you’re describing them for a good 5-10 minutes!!

@Plethoraofwoo i really don’t mean to be cruel, I’d hate to embarrass him in front of others. But I just wish he was more aware and could read others reactions.

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Casba · 01/05/2023 23:46

Maybe it's the anxiety of meeting new people? Sometimes you just want to have something to say. Other people are more tolerant aren't they? I'm not bothered if a friend has a slightly dull dp really. Nobody expects perfection.

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:48

@LightDrizzle we’re in our 40s.

Yes, he does that thing with the anecdotes!!! Interrupts with his own story! And like you, I try to interrupt with a hint - but he never gets it!!!

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Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:49

@casba he does it with new and old friends alike. I’d like to think I’m more sensitive to it because I’m his partner but I can see it in other people’s body language…

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