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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

282 replies

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:21

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 01/05/2023 23:49

I would try to talk with him about it m, it might be down to his nervousness as well.

And I would try to plan your conversation a bit beforehand e.g tell him what you know about your friends, what might be interesting for them, what issues you want to discuss with them.

EndsandBegins · 01/05/2023 23:52

My ex used to do that. I put up with it for years but he got worse so I used to remind him not to do it before we went anywhere. He was quite aware he did it but couldn’t stop!

If we went anywhere official eg a meeting he was even worse with his rambling. I used to say, let me speak first or I would not be able to get a word in edgeways.

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:52

He’ll also start stories with grandiose statements like “ Of all the things I’ve achieved in my life…” which just makes me cringe!!!

God, I bet some on you think I’ma right bitch…

OP posts:
Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:53

@EndsandBegins is it why you broke up??!!

OP posts:
Rosula · 01/05/2023 23:53

Can you work out a code between yourselves so that you can give a signal which essentially says "You need to stop talking NOW"? You could make it a two way thing so he doesn't feel he is being singled out.

Original poster
ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:55

@Rosula but how do I start that conversation with him? “Sometimes you’re really boring, so when you get too much I’ll give you a wink to shut up”??😆

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 01/05/2023 23:57

Look at the bright side. No awkward silences at parties with people who are too shy to speak 😂

Casba · 01/05/2023 23:57

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:49

@casba he does it with new and old friends alike. I’d like to think I’m more sensitive to it because I’m his partner but I can see it in other people’s body language…

It doesn't sound like he can help it which is a shame really. I have a friend whose dp says virtually nothing. Makes zero effort at conversation. I often wonder what he's like as after 15 years of knowing them, I've absolutely no idea. That's worse I think.

Doormatnomore · 01/05/2023 23:58

You need a friend like me. People that I see about once a week had got into a habit of droning on and on and on about their jobs, updating from where they left off last week “remember I said someone was turning off the fridge” “the meeting with Jeremy was put off again” “I had to speak to Sandra again about pivot tables”. Really bloody boring. Anyway I hardly drink, like a sherry at Christmas but we were celebrating an engagement and I had 2 glasses of champagne and someone asked why I never talk about my job, was I embarrassed or whatever. And I just let lose, I don’t care about your job, I barely take this level of interest in my own job, hou all jibber jabber on not realising no one gives a shit their just waiting for their turn to monologue, if I tiger appears in the conference room I want to hear about it but other than that can we talk about literally anything else.

there were some hurt feelings but I stand by it and it’s kinda improved. It can be a habit, especially if you’re in the kind of job where you’re always in meetings discussing what you’ll discuss at the next meeting.

QueefQueen80s · 01/05/2023 23:58

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:32

No, he doesn’t really ask questions- he just talks. Yes, I really wish he could see a video of himself and how others were fidgeting while he rabbits on.

Also, when other people tell a story, instead of just saying something like “ Wow, that sounds amazing” or something along those lines, he always comes up with a story about when he’s done something similar or, worse, better than them - I know he doesn’t mean to sound boastful - I think he thinks he’s just being conversational - but that’s how it comes across.

I probably sound like a right cow but it just embarrasses me.

I work with people with autism and most of them do this. I know quite a few men socially who are the same.. Just talk about themselves, expect a captivated audience and always try to go one better.

Zuyi · 01/05/2023 23:59

Don't worry! When people blather on, it's restful. If people are fidgeting, then they're being rude. You don't have to do active listening so much with people like that, because they don't care about your reaction. It's the active listening that's tiring.

That whole top the story with a better one is very common among men. I think it's male culture.

Plethoraofwoo · 02/05/2023 00:09

Fair play @Doormatnomore 😂

LowBar · 02/05/2023 00:09

QueefQueen80s · 01/05/2023 23:58

I work with people with autism and most of them do this. I know quite a few men socially who are the same.. Just talk about themselves, expect a captivated audience and always try to go one better.

Show quote history

You should stop working with autistic people if this is how you describe them. They probably think you're pretty annoying with your weird NT social fake questions and drivel about the weather.

Doormatnomore · 02/05/2023 00:12

Thanks @Plethoraofwoo , I’m not even ashamed. I don’t drink because 1 unit will give me a hangover but I think maybe my brain to mouth filter might also be affected.

Excellentbex · 02/05/2023 00:14

Do you and your husband rehash visits immediately afterward (or are my spouse and I just gossips?!?) if you do you could start commenting on bits you wish you got to hear more of and generally focusing on what the other people said. Same thing before seeing people - talk with him about how excited you are to hear about x y z from friend and go in prepared to ask a lot of questions to hopefully balance the conversation.

Akitamum · 02/05/2023 00:15

I feel your pain! I dread when he is asked certain questions in social situations as I know his answer is going to be long, boring and have far too much detail. If I try to talk to him about it he gets upset and says he won't bother talking then. He wasn't like that when he was younger, it seems to get worse the older he gets. It's like he doesn't understand that general chit chat should be light and fun and other people should be allowed to tell their stories without him cutting them short with his own tales. No advice, just solidarity!

Loria · 02/05/2023 00:17

He's a man so probably promoted above his ability and used to everyone listening to him even if he has nothing interesting to say. A lot of them are like this ime. I dunno the solution. Maybe wire up some kind of device that enables you to give him an electric shock when he's being a boring bastard? The main problem is that no one has stopped him from being a boring bastard previously. It's hard to turn around after say 45 years.

Soozikinzii · 02/05/2023 00:24

You need my DSS ! Once our youngest DS was droning on a bit about something that had happened at school and my DSS just said 'boring' ! He said afterwards he meant to just think it but it came out loud! Ever since then if anyone drones on Too much we just say 'boring' as a family ! I don't knowhow your DH would take to that though !

JudgeRudy · 02/05/2023 00:24

I know some people like this and in fairness I can stray a bit that way. What I find interesting/confusing is when people make 'small talk' you're expected to join in and answer in clichés and be polite. I bet your husband finds these interactions extremely tedious. I have some 'friends' who have virtually nothing to contribute to any social interaction (from my point of view). They're what I call life's fillers. They just make up the numbers. Some people might find his ramblings awkward or even find him a bit pompous but if they stick around they'll probably like him as you presumably do.
Feeling embarrassed is your problem really. I doubt he cares too much what these people think of him though he might be put out to think you were ashamed of him.

Mouldyfoodhelp · 02/05/2023 00:30

Loria · 02/05/2023 00:17

He's a man so probably promoted above his ability and used to everyone listening to him even if he has nothing interesting to say. A lot of them are like this ime. I dunno the solution. Maybe wire up some kind of device that enables you to give him an electric shock when he's being a boring bastard? The main problem is that no one has stopped him from being a boring bastard previously. It's hard to turn around after say 45 years.

What a load of BS? I mean sure that's true for some but you can't make assumptions about someone just because you know two things about them such as:

  1. he's a man
  2. he waffles.

You think that's enough to cast aspersions on his career history and his personality.

Sorry just feel like you've been unnecessarily an arse here.

Outgrabe · 02/05/2023 00:35

My father has a dreadful tendency to endless monologues with absolutely no apparent instinct as to whether a complete stranger wants a 20-minute monologue on his dentistry or how he cancelled and got cash back on an old Oyster card. He is unable to have a normal conversation. He regards them as chances to exchange random information at length, and is just waiting to come back with another round of facts. His longtime hobby seems to attract similar personality types. I have long supposed (undiagnosed) ASD. My mother, married to him for 50 years, thinks all men are like this, and is baffled by DH’s ability to actually listen to people.

Loria · 02/05/2023 00:36

What a load of BS?

Well, is it or isn't it? You sound uncertain.

Truestorypeeps · 02/05/2023 00:37

Just tell him when people ask, what do you do for a living, they are just being polite and going through the motions of basic conversation. They just want you to say 'I work in IT'. 'I work in HR', etc... It is then up to the person who asked the question IF they would like any more detail (but to be honest, most people won't because, who actually wants to talk about work when they aren't there!?).

Your story reminds me of my own father, who when asked, how was your day, would then go into detail about a specific, boring event that happened that day. My mum would try to stifle laughter as I looked over in her direction, eyes wide, moving my head backwards as if I was about to fall off my chair... Some men just think they are so incredibly interesting don't they.

Loria · 02/05/2023 00:38

A lot of them have never been told they're not though.

UsingChangeofName · 02/05/2023 00:40

If he struggles with social awareness, reading facial expressions and reading body language, then he isn't going to pick up on "hint" from you.

I think it is something that you are going to have to clearly explain to him.
Whether or not he accepts it is a different matter.
If he does then you can work out between you how you might help him when out. Sometimes this has to be blunt.
A couple we have known for 25 years plus, where he is clearly (to me) on the autistic spectrum, his wife just says "That's enough Dave, they don't need any more detail about that" as he genuinely can't judge, and he can't pick up on social cues. He accepts it, and says something like "My wife's telling me I need to stop speaking now and she is usually right, so I will" and then the conversation moves on. Everyone accepts it as both halves of the couple are so matter of fact about it.

This issue is, if he doesn't believe you. At which point, is there someone else he is close to that might also support you ?