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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

282 replies

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:21

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

OP posts:
BadNomad · 02/05/2023 08:33

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 02/05/2023 08:30

MN is an internet forum, not a live in-person conversation.

Show quote history

Same difference to some.

AngelinaFibres · 02/05/2023 08:33

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 02/05/2023 08:22

The problem is that it isn't reciprocal.

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And it is a negative behaviour trait. Talking for 25 minutes about the merits, fitting and maintenance of air source heat pumps to someone who already has one is just unbelievably tedious. It doesn't matter whether the talker is NT ,ND or from Mars, its just bloody boring and it kills the evening for everyone else.

wheresmymojo · 02/05/2023 08:33

My DH does this - luckily he isn't easily offended (you couldn't be sensitive and be married to me!).

I do it in a joking way but I give him about 1 minute of talking about his hobby (collecting transformer models) and then say 'babe...my eyes are glazing over' Grin

Lastarse · 02/05/2023 08:33

A friend’s husband is like this and she brings him everywhere, all the time. I’ll never forget zoom during lockdown where he appeared and stayed for the full duration (first and last zoom with her). Subsequently her friends have dropped off. I have tried to meet her alone but she says she has to bring him as he has no friends. I rarely see her now - I do not dislike him and I ramble on myself at times, but it’s painful and not really a social occasion nor one I can be arsed going to.

Spendonsend · 02/05/2023 08:34

I think there is a different quality to a neurodiverse 'info dump' and the boring middle aged man drone.

For starters the neurodiverse person expects you to respond with your important information of the day. I think they anticipate you will appreciate its special for them and they are looking to build a connection. I dont think the droner is trying to share or build connections.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/05/2023 08:35

I'm sure for some people, they stay married because they have to for whatever reason, but for others, WHY stay married to someone you've now realised is boring and embarrasses you socially? Being single is so so lovely, why are so many women so afraid of it?

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 02/05/2023 08:40

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 08:33

Same difference to some.

Show quote history

Well it's not. If you think it is, you're wrong.

Real life conversations don't work in the same way as Internet forums where anyone can drop in and out as they like, make posts as long or short as they like, skip over the ones they don't want to read or interact/ignore as much as they like. If you don't see the difference, that's your own failure of communication. Different media require different communication methods. That's why they're called social skills.

And as a PP said, conversation is about actual interaction and response to each other. It is not about "taking turns" to say your piece.

Sorry, but if this is how you view communication, then it's obvious why you aren't getting good responses. Perhaps you are autistic and it's not your fault, I don't know, but whether you are or not, it's a lack of understanding in how communication works.

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 08:43

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 02/05/2023 08:40

Well it's not. If you think it is, you're wrong.

Real life conversations don't work in the same way as Internet forums where anyone can drop in and out as they like, make posts as long or short as they like, skip over the ones they don't want to read or interact/ignore as much as they like. If you don't see the difference, that's your own failure of communication. Different media require different communication methods. That's why they're called social skills.

And as a PP said, conversation is about actual interaction and response to each other. It is not about "taking turns" to say your piece.

Sorry, but if this is how you view communication, then it's obvious why you aren't getting good responses. Perhaps you are autistic and it's not your fault, I don't know, but whether you are or not, it's a lack of understanding in how communication works.

Show quote history

Yes I am autistic, hence me explaining how (some) autistic people communicate. It's not "wrong", it's just different to how NT people do it.

AngelinaFibres · 02/05/2023 08:45

MorrisZapp · 02/05/2023 08:15

My mum does this. She also tells stories with so much irrelevant background that it's hard to follow the actual story she's telling. She gets visibly upset if anyone shows signs of being less than fascinated by her rambling. She'll never change, we just factor it in. Not sure I could tolerate living with it though.

My SIL is like this .She does the " We saw D and J last Tuesday. Oh, was it Tuesday ? Yes it must have been because we went to X on Monday. Oh no it wasn't because they always do Y on a Tuesday and they couldn't because they had their grandson. You know , ( no one does ) Daniel, no Tom. No it was Daniel". I just zone out now. I didn't care at the start. I don't care when we get to the end .I used to have a scream growing in my head but 20 years of it has numbed me to it.

wheresmymojo · 02/05/2023 08:47

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 02/05/2023 07:37

He accepts it, and says something like "My wife's telling me I need to stop speaking now and she is usually right, so I will"

😂😂😂

I once, prior to entering a big meeting, told my boss to kick me under the meeting room table if he thought I should shut up, and that was before I was diagnosed.

The quoted approach only works if the autist is self-aware enough to know that she can't read the room and humble/gracious/something-like-that enough to publicly accept another's guidance.

I have ADHD and recently started a new job. I basically just tell people that I often go off on tangents and talk too much so to just tell me or I'll never stop...

I find (personally) that it helps to 'own' all the quirks ND brings and not be sensitive about it...most of my tangents and stories I know people find amusing but I do want them to stop me chatting on and on.

Gettingbysomehow · 02/05/2023 08:47

OMG my assistant does this to patients. I have to interrupt quite sharply and say Madge (not her name) can you get some wipes from the store room please. She still hasn't got the hint even though I've sent her to the storeroom 100 times. I cant understand how someone can be so socially unaware! Still I suppose it might work as an anaesthetic.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 02/05/2023 08:49

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 08:43

Yes I am autistic, hence me explaining how (some) autistic people communicate. It's not "wrong", it's just different to how NT people do it.

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This ^

It pisses me off no end that not only do NT people get to decide what’s right or wrong, they assume they’re superior just because they process things differently.

If ND people ruled the world, @DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder you’d be the one struggling to fit in.

Maybe try thinking about that?

Jackienory · 02/05/2023 08:50

You haven't had lunch with a bunch of surgeons then !.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 02/05/2023 08:52

Gettingbysomehow · 02/05/2023 08:47

OMG my assistant does this to patients. I have to interrupt quite sharply and say Madge (not her name) can you get some wipes from the store room please. She still hasn't got the hint even though I've sent her to the storeroom 100 times. I cant understand how someone can be so socially unaware! Still I suppose it might work as an anaesthetic.

Then you’re clearly not as bright as you think you are. 😆

MultipleVeganPies · 02/05/2023 08:53

It is a bad sign you already felt embarrassed for him before he even said anything and telling him to keep it to 2 minutes

the boring element is not his boringness (as perceived by you), but that you yourself find him boring and are embarrassed by him. THAT’s the bit that makes it awkward and uncomfortable for others

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 08:54

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 02/05/2023 08:49

This ^

It pisses me off no end that not only do NT people get to decide what’s right or wrong, they assume they’re superior just because they process things differently.

If ND people ruled the world, @DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder you’d be the one struggling to fit in.

Maybe try thinking about that?

Show quote history

And they get to tell you that you are selfish and self-centred just because they don't know how to communicate with you.

AngelinaFibres · 02/05/2023 08:56

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 01:02

My autistic spidey senses are sensing this thread is just another attempt at subtly stirring up anti-autism sentiment.

The general vibe on threads where people are explaining their particular ND behaviour ( always being late, always forgetting things that matter to a ND friend, info dumping etc) is that the NT person being affected by this should understand and accept that they will be left standing in the rain everytime, they will never get a card, they will be bored to tears by facts they didn't even ask for, because the ND person simply can't help it. Sometimes the NT dwellers in the world need to be able to express the fact that , just now and again, it makes them want to scream. We exist side by side. Your ND issues are hard for you. Now and again adapting to your ND issues becomes a PITA.

AngelinaFibres · 02/05/2023 08:57
  • NT friend
WhatNoRaisins · 02/05/2023 08:58

If they've not always been like this I wonder if it's a case of getting too busy with work or kids or both and not having the energy for socialising. For some the mechanics of a conversation is a skill that needs to be taught and I guess that also means it can be something that gets forgotten if not practiced regularly.

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 08:58

You don't adapt. You just internalise it and resent it.

Pluvia · 02/05/2023 08:59

Zuyi · 01/05/2023 23:59

Don't worry! When people blather on, it's restful. If people are fidgeting, then they're being rude. You don't have to do active listening so much with people like that, because they don't care about your reaction. It's the active listening that's tiring.

That whole top the story with a better one is very common among men. I think it's male culture.

No, it's not restful — because many of us try to be good listeners and that takes concentration and effort and care. While you're droning on at length in your own little world I'm not just standing there smiling and nodding, I'm trying to listen, trying to work out if there's any point to this barrage of apparently tedious information, trying to remember bits which might be important and trying to react in an appropriate, interested way while simultaneously trying to stop myself from yawning and/ or throwing the contents of my glass down your front in order to make you stop. It's not restful at all.

I start conversations from the basis that nothing about me is very interesting, so I try actively to talk about interesting or funny things, or to throw up ideas that other people can pick up and run with. Far too many people seem to start from the basis that they're fascinating. Very few are.

AngelinaFibres · 02/05/2023 09:01

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 08:58

You don't adapt. You just internalise it and resent it.

As do you.

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 09:03

AngelinaFibres · 02/05/2023 09:01

As do you.

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Definitely.

Teeheehee1579 · 02/05/2023 09:04

Oh god - we have a friend whose husband is exactly like this. He just does not stop talking - he will describe a standard journey in excruciating detail, drones
constantly at the expense of all other conversation. I have been friends with her for 25 years but recently I have really had enough and we have stopped inviting them over, would not include them in a group as I would not inflict him on any of our other friends (been there done that at last big birthday and had other friends begging not to be seated by him for the second and third nights). She won’t see me alone now because he has no friends (no shit) so brings him every bloody time. I imagine she tunes him out but the older I get the less patience I have for indulging self centred monologues at the expense of all other conversation. I wouldn’t mind as much if it was interesting but 30
mins on what the motorway journey to get to us was like is painful and tiring. I don’t want to spend my limited social time tuning someone out thank you very much.

Teeheehee1579 · 02/05/2023 09:06

Pluvia · 02/05/2023 08:59

No, it's not restful — because many of us try to be good listeners and that takes concentration and effort and care. While you're droning on at length in your own little world I'm not just standing there smiling and nodding, I'm trying to listen, trying to work out if there's any point to this barrage of apparently tedious information, trying to remember bits which might be important and trying to react in an appropriate, interested way while simultaneously trying to stop myself from yawning and/ or throwing the contents of my glass down your front in order to make you stop. It's not restful at all.

I start conversations from the basis that nothing about me is very interesting, so I try actively to talk about interesting or funny things, or to throw up ideas that other people can pick up and run with. Far too many people seem to start from the basis that they're fascinating. Very few are.

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And I totally agree with this. It is not restful. I enjoy good conversation so I am doing all these things. It’s awful.