To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

[ChampionWorrier21]

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

I came here with the same question 20 years ago. The best advice I was given was to try to do social stuff separately. That certainly kept us going for a good few years, at the end of the day, he wouldn’t notice (or care!) that people were getting bored to boot while he was in his me-me- me monologues. Won’t let people put a word in and often offended them too.

I was also told he could be in the “spectrum” and for years I thought that could be the case. I realise now, after years of dealing with his shot and the aftermath of the divorce that he was, rightly, in the spectrum but not in that one that goes from aspergers to non functioning autism, but in the one that goes from narcissism to psychopathy.

I found he got progressively worse as his sense of grandiose increased. Jon Ronson’s book The Psychopath’s Test was definitely an eye opener. I wish I had come across it earlier, I am still paying the price for generously confusing it with Aspergers.

Hope this doesn’t apply in your case but consider the possibility when his behaviour affects your social life and mental health, particularly if you have children.

That sounds like he is trying to relate. It's something quite a few people with adhd and also those on the spectrum tend to do (ime).

It can seem rude (trying to one up etc) but isn't usually meant to be.

It can be a habit, especially if you’re in the kind of job where you’re always in meetings discussing what you’ll discuss at the next meeting.

This! @ChampionWorrier21 is your DH actually a manager or relatively senior?
Then he is just doing his work persona thing when socialising.

OP, what stands out to me the most is that you are embarrassed by your dh, it means you have lost respect for him. Do you want to stay together?

Alternatively, why don't you meet by yourself with your new friends without your ordinary DH? Is there another male in your new friendship group you like or find interesting? I am asking as I don't know a single bloke over 45 who is not a bit a lot boring. Something happens to men in middle age when they become a lot more insular than the used to be. They tend to drone on and on 😬, it's fairly normal.

If you still love your dh could you both plan an adventurous holiday or do a new interesting hobby together or separately to give everyone something new to talk drone about?

For whatever it's worth, my father could bore for the planet, burbling on and on and on. I used to think "bored to tears" was just a turn of phrase but I would find my eyes literally watering during his endless burbling. On more than one occasion I actually fell asleep being forced to listen to it at the dinner table.

And he wasn't autistic. Just breathtakingly boring and self-absorbed.

this was my thought too (works in IT, doesn't get social cues..), but you can't say these things on MN!😅

He sounds exactly like my dh, not on the spectrum (although I am). I just zone out and maybe mention it to him later. Other people do like him and accept that that’s who he is! Biggest waffler I’ve ever met.

Every second bloody person says these things on mumsnet!

OP I feel for you, I find people like this really selfish, they assume people want to hear their stories, which could be told in 5 mins, for ridiculously long periods of time.
I think it shows a lack of awareness and a lack of respect for others, in that they arnt interested in what they have to say and assume they are going to enjoy (?) their ramberlings. Or maybe, they don’t care either way. I don’t find it a nice trait, sorry you are dealing with it!

Yep. Sharing. When someone shares something about themselves with us, we share something about ourselves with them in return. Reciprocal conversation. An attempt to be friendly.

But NT people just think "he/she's so self-centered, he/she can't help talking about him/herself or has a story about them doing the same thing".

It's sad that people don't see that. Instead they always have a negative interpretation for ND behaviours.

My mum does this. She also tells stories with so much irrelevant background that it's hard to follow the actual story she's telling. She gets visibly upset if anyone shows signs of being less than fascinated by her rambling. She'll never change, we just factor it in. Not sure I could tolerate living with it though.

So, how many men over 45 are there that are NOT self absorbed when socialising? I don't know a single one. It's not about being selfish, it's just the way they communicate. They are selfish when they only ever consider their own needs in regard to their family or close friends, which of course many do too. But droning on is just boring not selfish. Women generally tend to be more clued in socially and more flexible and open minded past middle age compared to men IME.

What you are basically trying to say to your partner is “your communication style is rubbish, you are boring, and you’ve somehow reached middle age without any social awareness.” I am not surprised he is offended. It would be like if you wore slightly revealing dresses and he told you you had a trashy sense of style. He needs to want to change himself and not get slagged off by someone he thought he could trust.

I knew a woman like this. She was hughly intelligent but had no social awareness and would speak in a monologue for hours, you literally couldn't get a word in. Suspect she was autistic now come to think of it.

The problem is that it isn't reciprocal.

My exh was like this. Social anxiety at the root of it. He would tell stories and exaggerate them more with each telling but convince himself that they were actually true, getting angry if he got pulled up on it. If he met a software developer he would tell them that he had worked on some software that they would know was BS but would keep going with his story until stopped. Took no notice of eye rolling or any other subtle clues. It killed our social life as no-one wanted to listen to it and at work events it became embarrassing as it called me into question so stopped taking him to them

He could have been entertaining if he'd stuck to what had really happened in his life, but the more he exaggerated, the less anyone believed what he was saying and didn't want to hear it anymore.

In my experience these men get a lot worse as they age.

They can lack self awareness or not really care.

They find themselves and everything about them, endlessly fascinating.

I have a very nice friends whose husband is like this.

Fine to chat to for a few minutes to, but would bore the arse off a saint on his favourite subject, himself.

She's so nice, both my husband and myself wonder how she does it.

I would say it to him and let him get offended.

You don't sound the least bit mean to me!

ADHD?

They sound ace!

They also start doing those bloody awful monologue jokes, usually about 3 men who did something 3 different ways. I find myself saying in my head " Nobody cares, nobody gives a shit, literally no one cares". One day I will accidentally say it out loud.
My father had Parkinsons. My mother's cousin does the monologue thing. My father's social filters had gone due to Parkinsons. Cousin started yet another monologue. My father shouted " Yes we've heard it before. Its boring" Cousin was horrified. Haven't seen them for years ( they live in Scotland, we all live far down in the South of England). Suspect he is still doing it.

It is though. You just don't see it that way.

Like how on MN people reply to each other without either person ever asking a question. One talks, then the other one talks, then the first one talks etc.

First person talks, second person LISTENS and RESPONDS to what the first person has said. It's not just about taking turns!

MN is an internet forum, not a live in-person conversation.

He may be on the spectrum.

Hi Redebs, just wondering how you direct/end the conversation kindly - thank you!

I'm talking about some/most ND people. Communication works differently.