To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

[ChampionWorrier21]

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

My stbxh does this. Interrupts, monologues, just dominates conversations.

In his case, I am pretty sure it is a symptom of either his adhd, or associated personality disorders he has.

It's not the reason I left, but definitely part of the overall picture.

Man can't just be a boring twat, can he?

Must be autistic.

I honestly wonder wtf someone you people think autism actually is, because boring people shitless about your job and no other possible indicators really isn't it.

It's been a few days since the last one; but yeah, I agree with @BadNomad

I once had an ex like this. He talked at people and had no comprehension of when they were bored. You could literally see the interest draining from their faces and he would still continue. It was mortifying to watch. No advice but these people do walk among us and it's very tricky to handle because as far as they are concerned they are incredibly engaging.

My husband does similar. Complete inability to give a brief and interesting response tailored for the audience, especially about work. Way too much boring detail. When he does it and it’s just me I bark “summarise, darling!” at him, but in company I don’t really want to undermine him. But when you see people’s faces glaze over it’s hard.

My DH is exactly like this, was like it when I met him and is exactly the same 10 years later!

Friends and family know what he's like and he has his own tribe of tangent hobby wafflers! He is 100% on the spectrum and while he knows that he does it and we've tried to discuss clues and hints but he can't stop it.

For a good 12 months he's been utterly captivated by mushroom growing despite not liking mushrooms or ever actual having grown one.

He's a lovely bloke though and by this point we don't meet many "new" friends so everyone accepts that they might have to listen to the pros and cons of compost varieties before you can break him off the subject!

The way I see it there's no one right way to socialise and it hasn't made us social pariahs yet! In fact a lot of people/friends contact him for info on stuff because there's a good chance he's got an encyclopeadic knowledge on it... and he's more than happy to tell you ALL about it 😆

honestly wonder wtf someone you people think autism actually is, because boring people shitless about your job and no other possible indicators really isn't it.

Er yes it is. I'm surrounded by autistic men. I know exactly what autism is. I gave birth to an autistic male.
Cricket, computers, politics, the book they read, what they want for dinner, what they had for dinner, the TV programme they've just seen .....
Its monologue-ing. Oblivious to social cues.

The fact you know so much about it makes it worse, not better, to be suggesting a man is autistic based on one thing. Goodness me.

Maybe you could both do an active listening skills course.
Do it together to hone listening skills and so as not to embarrass him by singling him out as the problematic one.

My kids' kindergarten ran one and it was very beneficial.
To be more aware of how well we listen to others and how to make other people feel comfortable is often a learnt and practised skill.
It is a useful skill when on any committee.
Social graces don't come easy to all people.

Good on your husband for going out with you and chatting and meeting your friends when he might be feeling anxious underneath.

Yep I've got one of these and no he isn't on the spectrum or awkward in social situations. He just loves talking about himself, what he's done etc, very self centred. He'll often tell a story that is in no way related to the topic of conversation but is about him and done thing he's done or someone he knows.

I'm not embarrassed by it, it's a reflection of him not me. I often change the subject, ask the other person something or walk away. I'll also outright say 'but what's that got to do with xyz'.

I’m in my 60’s as are most of my friends. I’ve noticed it’s something that happens to men as they get older, I’m sure they were much more interesting in their 20’s.
Thinking about it, I’ve realised it must be about 10 years since any of these men have asked me a question, just drone in about their lives.
I now tend to arrange female only meet ups.

My friend does this, any story starts with details
of what she had for breakfast that morning and every conversation she had en route to the actual thing happening that she’s going to tell us about. I sit puzzled as she’s talking wondering how she hasn’t noticed these minuscule details are of no interest to anyone 🙈 My mum and dad met her mum in a shop recently and said they both went on the same way, like every tiny thing was a massive deal. I think it must be something you’re brought up with 🤷🏼‍♀️ If he was my husband I’d probably just be really blunt when you’re alone

He accepts it, and says something like "My wife's telling me I need to stop speaking now and she is usually right, so I will"

😂😂😂

I once, prior to entering a big meeting, told my boss to kick me under the meeting room table if he thought I should shut up, and that was before I was diagnosed.

The quoted approach only works if the autist is self-aware enough to know that she can't read the room and humble/gracious/something-like-that enough to publicly accept another's guidance.

I agree with this I think blunt honesty / coaching is the way to go. I think the other thing which is in your control would be to work on your embarrassment level, so that it doesn’t make you die inside as much.

Yup. Drip drip drip.
I'm autistic. I never get a word in with all the bloody boring people around me who appear to have lots of friends and jobs etc. Your dh sounds like every other middle aged man I've ever had the misfortune to ask a question of.

I sympathise, my sister is like this. She doesn’t wait to be asked what her ‘job’ is. (She is retired but has a prominent role in her local community; small town). We had a family wedding recently and I asked not to be seated near her as I find her embarrassingly lacking in social awareness, and also I have heard all her stories numerous times.
After the meal I overheard one of the guests who was seated near her ( and didn’t know we are related), say ‘I have heard all I ever want to hear about being X of Y town from that bloody boring woman!’

Sounds like a member of my family, male late 60s. You could fall asleep at the table and he wouldn’t notice …. just continue talking at you.

@LowBar Wow! 😂 I absolutely adore the people I work with. I let them chat about whatever they want. They always ask for me as I take an interest in them. So sod off with your bad energy and assumptions.
There are many people here relating this to their sons, to themselves. It's a fact that many people with autism share this trait. And by us suggesting it, the husband might be better understood.

There is no way of making anything IT sound exciting.

I've worked in it for over 30 years and when someone asks what I do, I just say "Consultant" and leave it at that.

You're probably hyper-aware now and it may not be as bad as you think.
I second not embarrassing him publicly and think you should have an open and honest conversation about it. Break through the defensive barrier - you're being kind, you're not saying anything mean; you're doing for him what presumably you'd want him to do for you. Position it that way. Don't talk about your embarrassment, talk about how he wouldn't want others to walk away from conversations thinking he's a bore or that he hasn't valued their stories or news.

My BIL is like this, you ask a simple question eg "how are you?" and you get a detailed explanation of his health over the past year or you ask him how the plane trip was and you get a detailed blow by blow account of the journey from his arrival at airport to him collecting his luggage at the other end. He doesn't seem to realise that no one cares or is interested in that much detail and ignores obvious cues of boredom from people he's clearly boring.
Your husband sounds like this so I'm guessing he's a bit spectrum too. I think many adults probably are undiagnosed and have just been assumed to be boring. Not sure what the solution is if even comments like "keep it to under 2 minutes" go ignored.

Not RTFT but omg you could be me OP. I’ve had a word with my husband about it so many times now but it’s absolutely excruciating. I know, sadly, despite him being a really lovely man that a lot of my friends and family members think he’s a total bore, simply because he really does just go on and on and on. It makes me ao sad and I really have tried to bring it to his attention but he refuses to believe that that’s what he’s doing.

He does it to me too and again, I’ve told him that he’s doing it. He doesn’t notice when i’m getting uninterested or disengaged, so now i’m just rude, so I get my phone out and start scrolling whilst he’s droning on, or just get up and walk out of the room (which I know is incredibly rude) he then stops talking, gets offended and says how rude I am. I then say, no YOU’RE rude because you talk at people for so long and refuse to acknowledge when they’re getting tired/ bored and uncomfortable, I’ve tried to tell you so many times so I’ve got no option! Thankfully, it doesn’t happen too often to that extreme, but it’s just awful.

So sorry, no advice, just frustrated solidarity.

He’ll also start stories with grandiose statements like “ Of all the things I’ve achieved in my life…” which just makes me cringe!!!

Ah, the "Reginald Perrin Syndrome"

I didn't get to where I am today.....

My DH (who has ADHD and probably autism) is like this.

He knows he talks too much and we have a code between us.

He doesn't seem to realise that no one cares

Why would he realise? People shouldn't ask questions that they don't want answered truthfully. The stock allistic faux-concern "how are you?“ question when they neither care nor want a true answer is insincere and callous. It would be better not to ask at all.

Your DH sounds like me although I’m a lot better these days.
I’m probably autistic (online tests certainly suggest it), and I used to talk about my experiences as my way of bonding with the person I’m talking to. I also used to interrupt conversation whilst being completely unaware that I was doing it.

I didn’t know it was a problem until I was in my late 40’s and reading up on autism (relating to my DS), and I suddenly realised the articles were describing me. I am extremely competent in my job and brilliant at problem solving but I couldn’t understand why others couldn’t immediately see the same obvious solutions.

Rather than baldly telling him to shut up, he needs to understand why his thinking processes are different to other people’s so I recommend that you find some info. on Autism and see if it sounds like him and then ask him to read it. In order to change our ingrained ways of thinking, we need to understand that we do see the world in a different way.