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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish DH could recognise when he’s boring people???!!

282 replies

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:21

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 00:40

Well, I know this is the MN default position on all threads nowadays but it does sound like he's on the autism spectrum.
He reminds me a bit of me (I am autistic) and both my sons (who are also autistic).

This is obviously not a criticism, OP, but it may explain why he does this.

redtshirt50 · 02/05/2023 00:42

I was recently dating someone who I realised was a like this around other people (but not alone with me)

would literally talk non stop for half an hour telling a story in incredible detail, that could have been told with the same effect in a few minutes

not once stopping to think ‘wow I’ve been talking for half an hour maybe I should give someone else a chance to speak, or maybe ask someone else a question’

he rarely asked people questions and when he did he would let them speak for a few seconds and then their answer with a story of his own (showing zero interest in what they said at all), or start saying something that makes is obvious he didn’t care / listen to what the answer was and had already formulated his response.

and he would exaggerate ridiculously, like ‘EVERYONE thinks this’, leading me to be whose everyone? And turns out it was one friend 2 years ago that agreed with him.

and he would always debate with people on stupid small points because he always wanted to be right / thought his way was the best way.

I had to stop dating him. Because my friends were like wtf why are you dating him?! But he was very nice when we were alone!

PurpleWisteria1 · 02/05/2023 00:47

At least he talks OP.
My DH is so shy and over the years has come to realise he doesn’t like people in general. He is so hard to have a conversation with unless he feels 100% comfortable with you. Because of this we have no couple friends dispite me being an extrovert and loving social stuff. He doesn’t even have one friend. I find it incredibly tough as would love to go out with other couples

Plethoraofwoo · 02/05/2023 00:48

start saying something that makes is obvious he didn’t care / listen to what the answer was and had already formulated his response

I have taken to saying to DH (in private) that ‘you’re so busy thinking about what you want to say, you don’t even listen to what people are actually saying’ and then point out A was talking about X but DH jumped in and talked about Y.
It still doesn’t stop him!

SmallFerret · 02/05/2023 00:50

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:48

@LightDrizzle we’re in our 40s.

Yes, he does that thing with the anecdotes!!! Interrupts with his own story! And like you, I try to interrupt with a hint - but he never gets it!!!

Stop hinting then. Tell him outright.

"Dear heart, Bob hadn't finished telling us about the great crested warbler song, can you let me hear what he has to say before we learn about the robins you saw fledging?"

Mouldyfoodhelp · 02/05/2023 00:51

Loria · 02/05/2023 00:36

What a load of BS?

Well, is it or isn't it? You sound uncertain.

I'm not uncertain. It's true for some men, certainly not all and we don't have enough evidence to reach the conclusions you did about OPs DH at all.

ChevyCamaro · 02/05/2023 00:56

I think most men do this after a certain age. Somewhere around 45 ime.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 02/05/2023 00:58

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 23:24

Oh blimey. I often think that people would do well to be videoed and have to watch back their interactions. I think it applies to everyone actually to see what they are doing right and wrong. I've been on dates with quite a few men like this. First date only!

Yes! I’ve suggested DH record himself when he is talking to the kids. He doesn’t listen to himself and doesn’t understand how he sounds to them.

Zone2NorthLondon · 02/05/2023 01:01

Compatible couples accommodate each other quirks,habits & repetition. Because they like each other You genuinely don’t seem to like your husband
Frankly you’re coming across intolerant and mean spirited, mist putting the boot in.

poor guy, you sat there eye rolling,internally seething, just radiating hate him vibes

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 01:02

My autistic spidey senses are sensing this thread is just another attempt at subtly stirring up anti-autism sentiment.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 02/05/2023 01:16

Oh hid my ex is like this. He got it from his father - they would drone on and on expecting everyone to be fascinated by the intricate details of something instead of giving light touch updates. Only thing is his father was genuinely one of the top 5 in the world in his field, so used to people hanging off his every word because they genuinely wanted to hear it (I didn't though...lol) my ex most definitely wasn't.

He used to get so mad when I interrupted him and tried to point out that it was supposed to be a conversation and not him monologuing or giving a lecture. Plonker.

TealSapphire · 02/05/2023 01:16

It would be annoying OP. Sounds like a know it all. The bestowing his wisdom and one up manship.

Peachy2005 · 02/05/2023 01:17

I have a FIL like this. I have been the only one tolerant of him for the past 8 years since we now live near him. The problem comes when you’ve heard the same stories dozens (feels like hundreds!) of times. Interrupting him to tell him “you’ve told me this before” doesn’t stop him. The only slight way I’ve found to derail a tale mid-flow is to abruptly interrupt with something completely unrelated which throws him out of his train of thought. I can’t over-use the strategy though…have to save it for emergencies.

Recently he gave me the side-eye and said “here’s one I HAVEN’T told you before” and told me an anecdote I hadn’t heard from him before. Now I’ve lost all patience because I thought he was oblivious but now I know he’s not.

MIL doesn’t even live in the same country as him. I’ve asked her about why he’s like that and she says it’s some kind of shyness/social anxiety. I don’t think it is personally. When she is around, she does, in fairness, try to head him off at the pass, pointing out that we’ve heard it before or that we don’t want to hear about it.

I feel your pain!

Loria · 02/05/2023 01:22

Mouldyfoodhelp · 02/05/2023 00:51

I'm not uncertain. It's true for some men, certainly not all and we don't have enough evidence to reach the conclusions you did about OPs DH at all.

Show quote history

Why ask a question if you're not unsure?

ShutupShirley · 02/05/2023 01:33

This thread reminds me of a house party I attended last year and I chatted to the brother of the host. I have met him very briefly on a previous occasion but didn't know much about him at all. Well I made a great mistake attempting small talk as I asked how he was as you do and he replied with rolling eyes that he was in the middle of renovating his house. I showed interest to be polite. He said he wouldn't be a tick and darted somewhere.Returned with a sheet of paper and a pencil then proceeded to draw the plans of his new rooms and gave me a running commentary for what seemed an eternity. Other guests were looking and smiling so maybe they knew what he was like and felt sorry for his latest victim ME.

Mouldyfoodhelp · 02/05/2023 01:37

Loria · 02/05/2023 01:22

Why ask a question if you're not unsure?

Show quote history

Because its getting a little late and i made a mistake.

Keep up the snarky comments though

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 02/05/2023 01:53

Perhaps your spidey senses aren't wholly reliable?
I don't know if OP's husband does that horrific, rage-inducing thing of nodding in all the wrong places, barking out "go on, yes, go on", whilst simultaneously doing a sly side-eye (to himself) as he works out how to return to his favoured topic(s) WHILST CHEWING A PRETEND PIECE OF GUM and NODDING AND BARKING AN UTTERLY FALSE GUFFAW 😱

Murdoch1949 · 02/05/2023 05:26

Have you asked a close friend how your husband comes across to them? Maybe when you have objective info from others you can open a discussion with husband about it. No-one wants to think their husband is thought of as weird or boring, not if you could help him be more socially acceptable.

Redebs · 02/05/2023 06:06

QueefQueen80s · 01/05/2023 23:58

I work with people with autism and most of them do this. I know quite a few men socially who are the same.. Just talk about themselves, expect a captivated audience and always try to go one better.

Show quote history

Yes, agree.
They aren't able to tailor their reply to the listener; it's like they've got the idea that it's their turn to talk now and so off they go.

I'm really polite in real life and used to end up listening to this kind of talk for absolutely ages. Nowadays I can signal to the speaker and very kindly direct or end it. Most people can't though and end up a captive audience or are rude and walk away etc

BeethovenNinth · 02/05/2023 06:14

A lot of men do this. Particularly older men.

just so full of their own self importance. Like anyone gives a shit

FiveCatsOneDogFourChickens · 02/05/2023 06:14

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 02/05/2023 01:53

Perhaps your spidey senses aren't wholly reliable?
I don't know if OP's husband does that horrific, rage-inducing thing of nodding in all the wrong places, barking out "go on, yes, go on", whilst simultaneously doing a sly side-eye (to himself) as he works out how to return to his favoured topic(s) WHILST CHEWING A PRETEND PIECE OF GUM and NODDING AND BARKING AN UTTERLY FALSE GUFFAW 😱

My ex-SIL did that - she'd monologue at you then say "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh" while she thought of the next thing to say. Thus keeping "her" perceived space in the "conversation" open for her to jump back in. Incredibly selfish behaviour and I say behaviour because when I first knew her 10 year's previously when she was 21 she didn't do it but it was something she developed for some unknown reason.

Redebs · 02/05/2023 06:18

BadNomad · 02/05/2023 01:02

My autistic spidey senses are sensing this thread is just another attempt at subtly stirring up anti-autism sentiment.

Without wanting to be mean, that's totally ironic and quite endearing.

Glassfullofdreams · 02/05/2023 06:22

ChampionWorrier21 · 01/05/2023 23:21

Had lunch with new friends this weekend. They asked him what he does for a living - let’s say he works in IT.

If it had been me, I’d have said something short and sweet like “I work in IT, I’m the person people call when they need a hand with their computer” for example. Before he answered, I even half jokingly said “Try to keep your answer under 2 minutes” as I know what he’s like. His answer was more like “My company was formed back in 1992, I joined in 2005 and now run a team of 12, we work with a system called xx blah blah blah…”

He went on and on about details that you wouldn’t understand unless you worked in his industry. Our friends were shifting around in their seats, clearly (to me) bored by the detail he was going into. I felt embarrassed and kept trying to interject to stop him talking but he couldn’t take a hint. He did this when talking about other subjects.

Why the hell can’t he judge what is and isn’t a reasonable amount of detail and recognise when people are bored?!! It makes me so uncomfortable!!!

If someone had told me to keep my answer to under 2 minutes (joke or not), I would have spoken for as long as possible.

You sound really rude.

Wfhandbored · 02/05/2023 06:29

I dunno if I'm going to be vilified here but maybe it's just who he is and to some people he wouldn't be boring? I feel a bit sorry for him tbh, imagine talking about stuff in your life and everyone saying stuff about you when you're just being yourself. Poor guy. For context my DH does this but I don't shoot him down because hes being who he is. He works in software development so it's not something that's for everyone but he loves it and it's nice to see him talk about what he loves doing. Even if I do find it a mystery/often boring. It's not about me, it's about seeing them happy and letting them enjoy their things.

Gtsr443 · 02/05/2023 06:34

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 00:40

Well, I know this is the MN default position on all threads nowadays but it does sound like he's on the autism spectrum.
He reminds me a bit of me (I am autistic) and both my sons (who are also autistic).

This is obviously not a criticism, OP, but it may explain why he does this.

100% agree. It's monologue-ing.