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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 01/05/2023 21:50

Quartz2208 · 01/05/2023 21:35

If your husband has body image issues to the point he won’t swim he needs to get counselling to get it sorted

Why?
Because other people want him to swim?

Why should he, he sounds perfectly happy not to swim/be in the pool. Its other people's issue if they cant accept that, are they having counselling for their control issues?

Clymene · 01/05/2023 21:52

What is behind the body image issue? What's triggered it?

wildfirewonder · 01/05/2023 21:53

No one needs counselling for not wanting to swim Confused

Plenty of people never swim.

As long as someone has the skills to swim if they fall into water, swimming is never required.

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/05/2023 21:53

You’re very unreasonable wanting to impose your preferences upon him. Stop trying to compel him to swim,he clearly doesn’t want to
If it’s too much of a burden being the only parent on pool don’t book a pool holiday

rosydreams · 01/05/2023 21:54

you cant force him but offer a swim t shirt,make sure its really baggy.Last thing he would want if self conscious is it for it to be to clingy.See if he will try it if not at least you tried ,just leave him to his own thing.You cant make people do things its everyone holiday.Also if i am booking a holiday abroad ,i order some utovlan from the pharmacy in advance .Last thing you want after paying so much for your holiday is your period .But each to their own if its not for you

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Men's surfing short-sleeved anti-UV WATER T-SHIRT top

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Mummyof287 · 01/05/2023 21:55

I hate swimming too (mainly the unhygenicness and faf of getting hair wet etc, as well as the body exposure) but go because I know DDs love it and it wouldn't be fair to deprive them of it just because of my issues.I did get DH to take her to a pool party yesterday, but if he hadn't have been able to I would have done it instead.

I think your DH is being unreasonable expecting you to be in the pool the whole time....he should want to for his daughters benefit and he needs to step up to his responsibilities rather than make your daughter miss out like other posters seem to suggest she should.

Not saying she has to be in the pool all day every day, but it's natural for kids to love water play and why shouldn't she be allowed to enjoy it!

Why can't he just go in in normal clothes, especially as its a private pool... shorts and Tshirt?

LazyLeopard · 01/05/2023 21:56

I used to swim as part of a club as a teen, I’m very good.

However, it is a standing joke on holiday that I rarely go in the pool. I’ll do the odd bit, I’ll let the kids push me in once, I’ll join in IF I HAVE TO but I do other stuff. And that’s ok.

As a parent you can’t be everything, and you shouldn’t try to be. I’m the parent that plays chess, or goes running with them, and a whole host of things. My kids are teenagers now. They don’t feel like they’ve missed out because dad was in the pool and mum was reading her book. Mum was the one who wrapped them in towels and gave them an ice cream.

Re: your period - I have awful ones, like change of clothes after an hour ones. If you’re not up for going in the pool, totally get it. But those are the days you do something else.

Holidays are important down time. They’re not about pleasing everyone else. You shouldn’t make him do something he hates.

Slobberchops1 · 01/05/2023 21:56

Maybe look at different holidays. Sounds miserable for him just doing what you and your family want to do

Seeingadistance · 01/05/2023 21:57

cardibach · 01/05/2023 20:55

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective - why not find a holiday you all enjoy rather than trying to shoehorn him into one he doesn’t really like?

Yes, this.

Hairbrushhandle · 01/05/2023 22:01

My whole family wears rash vests in the pool, it's so much easier than constantly applying suncream (although you should also apply underneath a bit and monitor your exposure).

Wrongsideofpennines · 01/05/2023 22:01

I think maybe you need to start planning holidays that your whole family will enjoy. If a holiday is based on the pool, alcohol and food where none of these are your husband's interests then I think he should start having more of a say in the type of holiday you go on.

WandaWonder · 01/05/2023 22:01

Imagine if this thread about female body issues and husband was trying to force the wife into the water

No if my husband really did not go in I wouldn't but then I would not book a swimming type holiday if I couldt do it on my own

JudgeRudy · 01/05/2023 22:04

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

Presumably he's not planning on wearing a mankini or budgie smugglers, and he's not sitting round the pool in full length sweat pants and an anorak....so surely he can go inthe pool in pretty much what he's wearing. I wonder if his issue is hawling himself in and out of the pool and looking 'undignified'. A lot of pools abroad aren't particularly accessible if your unable to pull yourself up and throw a leg onto the terrace....the kiddies pools usually are.
If he's adamant he won't part take in the pool he'll have to take little one off to another activity whilst you get your 'turn'. The other alternative is to choose a different type of holiday. I get people are different and we all have our deficits but sounds to me like he feels you just have to accept this. If he's not prepared to do his reasonable share of childcare would you consider separate holidays. You go with your family and he takes kiddies elsewhere? Or maybe you do 'day' shift and he does night shift whilst you go off site n party?

Tryingtokeepgoing · 01/05/2023 22:04

Abracadabra12345 · 01/05/2023 21:38

*I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool•

So he goes on holiday with your family, year after year, which revolves around food he doesn't like and drink when he doesn't drink and he uses his precious annual leave to do this, without complaint, because he isn't given a choice, He sounds pretty amazing. But that isn't enough. The holiday also involves around the pool and he's uncomfortable with this. But although he doesn't like the food, doesn't drink, doesn't swim and is doing this holiday for the OP, it's still not enough and OP is trying to bully him to do something he hates.

OP, You want to be there on this holiday and you're loving it so I guess being the one to go in the pool all day is the penance you pay since he's making a big enough sacrifice as it is. I wonder as another pp said, if he'd be different if it was just the two of you and him?

I agree it sounds like purgatory for the poor guy. Who really wants to go on a holiday that revolves around drink and food with their in laws every single year? I can’t think of anything worse. His perfectly justifiable desire not to get in the pool is not the biggest issue here!

reluctantbrit · 01/05/2023 22:06

Hm, I don't got into the pool a lot (maybe 3x in 2 weeks last year) for a variety of reasons.

DH never complained, he understands my reasons and accepts that he has pool duty.

But, we normally do a lot of other stuff, so we are maybe at the pool after coming back from a day out or I played with DD otherwise.

My pool-reluctanace is the reason we didn't do a lot of pool/beach holidays until DD was old enough to swim confidently and was old enough for the kids club. There are other ways to spend the holiday.

Parisj · 01/05/2023 22:08

I think you need to shoulder this, if you want to go. I don't think he's being unfair. But you can set boundaries on your child's pool time, let him take her elsewhere, give her a reward chart or 'time slots' to use up now or later so she gets some choice and doesn't get over tired.

LobsterBiscuit · 01/05/2023 22:11

Nope, you do the pool, he can take her to the park.

Or just tell her no.

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 22:12

YABVVU. If it was a woman posting that her DH was forcing her to go into the pool - on a family holiday she doesn't like there'd be a massive pile on.

Velvian · 01/05/2023 22:12

Have you thought about taking something to delay your period @Starlightcloud
I recently did that for a trip and used an online pharmacy.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2023 22:12

That's daft, I wear ankle length swimming leggings and a long sleeved top as I can't have skin exposed to the sun due to a medical condition. He's missing so much fun.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 22:12

Stripycatz · 01/05/2023 21:00

He needs to think about the messages he's giving his daughter around body confidence and attitude to exercise.
Can you make him see this? Could use this as a catalyst to address his body issues and improve his own confidence and self esteem?

But he takes her for walks and the OP says, in her opinion his body looks fine.

Looking at it from the other way, if he gets in the pool he is giving her the message that a partner should dictate what you do with no regard for your feelings and the fact you are saying no. That’s not right either.

Bookworms88 · 01/05/2023 22:13

Who are these people who are irresponsible? Why are you going on holiday with them? What do you all get out of this arrangement. I can understand doing it when you are child free, presumably sitting about getting drunk but I wouldn’t be happy taking dc on a holiday where this is the main activity and I couldn’t trust the other adults who are there. Sounds horrendous.

PrincessScarlett · 01/05/2023 22:13

I don't really go in the pool much on holiday. I will go in a few times but I really don't enjoy swimming or pools. You say your DH does other activities so he's not slacking on parental duty. I think it's unfair of you to force him in the pool when he really doesn't like it.

WimpoleHat · 01/05/2023 22:14

most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool.

Your DH goes year after year on a holiday with your family that he clearly doesn’t enjoy. Kudos to him for that - I don’t think I’d be so gracious! I really don’t think you can complain that he doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t like on a holiday that he pretty obviously doesn’t want to be on and wouldn’t have chosen. Why can’t you take your DD on a holiday that you have both chosen and you both enjoy - and let him do something with her that they can both enjoy together?

Callyem · 01/05/2023 22:15

Body image is a powerful thing. I wouldn't be annoyed with him - I would try and empathise and perhaps be open to changing my idea of what a holiday looks like.