Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 01/05/2023 21:18

dottypotter · 01/05/2023 21:08

Fgs sake what's wrong with chilling out with your kids in a pool?
You don't even have to swim. Just mess around the kids. Create some fun.
He's probably no fun and this is the real problem.

Show quote history

It's not chilling out for him.
It's not fun for him.
My point was mainly that OP said child wants to be in the pool the whole time.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 01/05/2023 21:20

He goes on a holiday he tolerates every year with your family and his one line in the sand is that he doesn’t swim. You need to give him this. The man has a lot more patience for this scenario than I would have.

CovertImage · 01/05/2023 21:20

Florenz · 01/05/2023 21:11

What is with all these people with "body image" issues that prevent them from going swimming in normal swimwear? Surely he can see that just about everyone else there has a non perfect body?

I know what you mean. I feel just the same about - oh let's see - "anorexia" and other "eating disorders"

FFS

dottypotter · 01/05/2023 21:20

wildfirewonder · 01/05/2023 21:07

Same, I just don't like swimming. My DH loves swimming. If he made me do swimming duty on holiday I'd be quite pissed off. I wouldn't make him go horse riding.

Show quote history

Swimming abit different it's a life skill.
Could save your life.

Horseriding is not as important.

JassyRadlett · 01/05/2023 21:23

girlfriend44 · 01/05/2023 21:14

You don't have to actually swim
How people can.not even want to dip in the pool when.its hot is beyond me.

Show quote history

Yes, I don't understand it either. But I don't need to.

Other people are allowed to feel differently about things to me. They're allowed to enjoy and hate different things and they are under zero obligation to make it understandable to me, or to have me respect that they prefer different things.

lunaloveroo · 01/05/2023 21:24

I mean he's opting out of patenting by not doing an activity with his child that the dc loves. I'd be annoyed. If it was only you, dh and dc would he get into a private pool? I just wonder if because it's your family he sits back and does nothing?

JassyRadlett · 01/05/2023 21:24

Syntax went weird there. They don't need me to understand it for me to respect their preferences.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 01/05/2023 21:25

So for me:

Your husband goes on a holiday he doesn’t love every year with his young and irresponsible in-laws. I wouldn’t use my leave on it once, never mind every year.

Your daughter doesn’t decide how much time she spends in the pool, you do.

For me, YABU because you take this man on a holiday that isn’t his cup of tea every year, let a toddler dictate and now you want to get him to do something else that isn’t his cup of tea either.

PollyPut · 01/05/2023 21:26

@Starlightcloud would he be happier wearing a UV protective top in the pool? That might be just the thing you need to get him in.

Also your DD should not be in the pool all day - she needs to learn to protect herself from the sun. Is she also in a UV proof top?

Backtothegym · 01/05/2023 21:27

So what does he do, sit there fully clothed when everyone is in swim wear?

greencheetah · 01/05/2023 21:34

I feel rather sorry for your DH.

Every year he goes on a holiday of your choice, with your family? And you are hassling him about going in the pool when he doesn’t want to?

YABVU.

DD doesn’t have to spend all day in the pool, that is silly. If you don’t want to spend all day in the pool with her either, choose a different holiday.

lljkk · 01/05/2023 21:35

He's too self-conscious to be in swimsuit in front of OP's family because ... they are adults? Why can't OP ask the other adults to help?

My dad hates swimming, it's one of his few red lines, I can tolerate it in principle.

Quartz2208 · 01/05/2023 21:35

If your husband has body image issues to the point he won’t swim he needs to get counselling to get it sorted

Bournetilly · 01/05/2023 21:36

YABU he goes each year without complaining even though he doesn’t particularly enjoy it.
Its not like he’s just stopped going in the pool now, he’s never wanted to go in the pool so he shouldn’t be forced to.
Are there other things he can do with your child like parks to give you a break, they don’t need to spend all day in the pool.

Srin · 01/05/2023 21:37

It sounds like he already compromises quite a bit on the type of holiday you go on.

JamHam · 01/05/2023 21:37

He's an absolute saint for going on a big in laws holiday every year.

Abracadabra12345 · 01/05/2023 21:38

*I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool•

So he goes on holiday with your family, year after year, which revolves around food he doesn't like and drink when he doesn't drink and he uses his precious annual leave to do this, without complaint, because he isn't given a choice, He sounds pretty amazing. But that isn't enough. The holiday also involves around the pool and he's uncomfortable with this. But although he doesn't like the food, doesn't drink, doesn't swim and is doing this holiday for the OP, it's still not enough and OP is trying to bully him to do something he hates.

OP, You want to be there on this holiday and you're loving it so I guess being the one to go in the pool all day is the penance you pay since he's making a big enough sacrifice as it is. I wonder as another pp said, if he'd be different if it was just the two of you and him?

Reluctantadult · 01/05/2023 21:42

My husband won't come swimming either because he is embarrassed about how he looks. He's not overweight, he's unmuscled and has vitiligo skin pigmentation patches. I actually started a thread on here asking AIBU to expect him to come swimming for the sake of the kids, and was told in no uncertain terms that I was! But still, I totally get where you're coming from op.

Dinopawus · 01/05/2023 21:43

HeavierThanHeaven · 01/05/2023 21:02

I hate swimming (for practical reasons more than anything) and I really do everything for my kids, but in the words of Meatloaf….I won’t do that. I mean, I do go in, but sparingly and I get zero joy out of it. I’m kind of on his side 😬

Me too. I'm a fairly good swimmer, but get really cold in the water, even when the air temp is 40 degrees +. I'm happy to swim for a time, but splashing about with small DC and the constant in and out makes me miserable.

Your DH needs to do his share of entertaining his child, though. Could he do some water stuff and then take DC for a walk?

Climbles · 01/05/2023 21:44

JamHam · 01/05/2023 21:37

He's an absolute saint for going on a big in laws holiday every year.

This ^
He has been open and honest, you can’t force him. Just make sure he pulls his weight in other areas.

mrlistersgelfbride · 01/05/2023 21:46

This reminds me of my dad! He never went swimming with us on holiday ...or at any other time!. I used to beg him to and he promised he would and never ever did. I have to admit 30 years later I still think he was a spoil sport for not going in with us.
It's a shame your husband can't suck it up for a few days. I don't believe the body image thing. You see all shapes and sizes. Some people just won't do things they don't want to... it's as simple as that. Your kids must be disappointed though.

MagpiePi · 01/05/2023 21:47

i don’t understand how the rest of your family are ALL ‘irresponsible or too young’ to go in the pool with your daughter. None of them want to play with their granddaughter/niece/cousin in the pool?

Sounds a bit odd tbh

Daffodilmorning · 01/05/2023 21:49

If you were going away with just your husband and daughter, I’d say YANBU. But it sounds like he’s spent years going on holidays he dislikes with your family? Does he want to go watch people drink and play in a pool every year if it’s not his thing?

Holidays should be something everyone enjoys. If he’s not comfortable stripping off in front of your family, and you don’t want to do all the swimming with your daughter (neither of which are unreasonable), maybe you shouldn’t go?

ilovewispas · 01/05/2023 21:50

I wear a rash vest in the pool as I burn so easily. No different to wearing a T-shirt.

Incidentally, I also have one leg (a lot) thinner than the other. I used to be very self conscious (hence, I wear surf shorts too) but I was determined not to let it impact my kids. It hasn't, I wear my shorts and rash vest and focus on them.

It will be years before your daughter doesn't want to be in the pool constantly and doesn't need an adult there. She will also remember if Daddy never joined in the fun. He is letting his self consciousness impact his child. In the nicest possible way, you need to explain to him and he knees to put you and his child first.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 01/05/2023 21:50

So your husband has had to go on holidays that don’t suit him for years….. and now you want to force him into the pool?

You sound breathtakingly selfish.

Tell your toddler no. Or go on a holiday that actually suits all of you!