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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
Wherewithout · 01/05/2023 22:15

I think YABU making him go on a holiday he won’t enjoy and then insisting he does something he’s not comfortable with!

Have you considered medication to delay your period? I do this every year as I don’t want my holiday spoiled by not being able to go in the pool!

Callyem · 01/05/2023 22:17

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 22:12

YABVVU. If it was a woman posting that her DH was forcing her to go into the pool - on a family holiday she doesn't like there'd be a massive pile on.

Totally agree here. Especially around in laws and on a holiday they only ever 'enjoy aspects of' but still go on year after year.

Stripedbag101 · 01/05/2023 22:17

Your poor husband. Do you ever go on holidays that he would enjoy?

those holidays would bore me rigid! What does he like? Camping? City break?

there is more to live than a pool, sun lounger and alcohol!!

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 22:18

girlfriend44 · 01/05/2023 21:14

You don't have to actually swim
How people can.not even want to dip in the pool when.its hot is beyond me.

Show quote history

Surely you aren’t so ignorant to realise that not everyone likes or wants to do the same thing. Just because it is beyond you to realise something, doesn’t stop it from being true.

Truestorypeeps · 01/05/2023 22:19

Presumably, it's just a shallow pool and he's in no worse shape than anyone else on the holiday? Rash vest all the way if he's embarrassed to not have a toned body. Sorted.

If he still won't budge and his body image is of utmost importance to him (I thought you get more comfortable in your own skin/don't care about what others think as you get older), then he can join a gym or something so that he's able to have fun with his child in the pool. I mean, come on, it's going in a small private pool (suck it up), it's not having a fear of heights and abseiling down Niagara Falls!

Stripedbag101 · 01/05/2023 22:19

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2023 22:12

That's daft, I wear ankle length swimming leggings and a long sleeved top as I can't have skin exposed to the sun due to a medical condition. He's missing so much fun.

Just becomes you enjoy something doesn’t mean others find it fun!!

why do so many people on mumsnet struggle to see things from the perspective of others? There is a wholesale
lack of imagination out there!

Stravaig · 01/05/2023 22:20

cardibach · 01/05/2023 20:55

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective - why not find a holiday you all enjoy rather than trying to shoehorn him into one he doesn’t really like?

Yes, this.

OP, why do you expect him to go on a holiday he doesn't really enjoy, with your family, every single year? Wtaf!

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 22:21

Quartz2208 · 01/05/2023 21:35

If your husband has body image issues to the point he won’t swim he needs to get counselling to get it sorted

Why? So he can conform to what the OP is dictating?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/05/2023 22:21

loftconversi0n · 01/05/2023 20:54

Tell him to wear a rash vest. Problem solved

This.

DH didn’t want to go to DD’s swimming lessons (a parent is required to be in the pool with her) and was missing out on all the fun. He was worried about being both the oldest and fattest dad there. 🙄

Rash guard solved the problem.

Labraradabrador · 01/05/2023 22:22

cardibach · 01/05/2023 20:55

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective - why not find a holiday you all enjoy rather than trying to shoehorn him into one he doesn’t really like?

Yeah, agree with this. There are so many different ways to holiday beyond pool + sun

BadNomad · 01/05/2023 22:22

If you push this, he might stop going on holiday with your family at all.

Bringonsummer19 · 01/05/2023 22:25

Pick a holiday he likes…or font ho with all your family.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 22:27

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2023 22:12

That's daft, I wear ankle length swimming leggings and a long sleeved top as I can't have skin exposed to the sun due to a medical condition. He's missing so much fun.

That’s your opinion, because you think being in the pool is fun. He doesn’t want to get in the pool. It sounds like he has little fun on the holiday as it is, but getting in the pool is not fun for some people and that’s perfectly fine.

readbooksdrinktea · 01/05/2023 22:27

Bookworms88 · 01/05/2023 22:13

Who are these people who are irresponsible? Why are you going on holiday with them? What do you all get out of this arrangement. I can understand doing it when you are child free, presumably sitting about getting drunk but I wouldn’t be happy taking dc on a holiday where this is the main activity and I couldn’t trust the other adults who are there. Sounds horrendous.

That's another thing. I wondered this too.

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 01/05/2023 22:28

It sounds like a bit of a cop out if there are no swimming ability issues/fear of water. What does he do when you're in the water with your daughter for hours? Chill on a lounger with a book, drink and headphones?

Is he offering to take her for a walk precisely because he knows she'd be bored after 10mins and he'd be able to bring her back, for you to take over?

I have horrendous body image issues but there are so many clothing options (as others have mentioned), especially for men. He'll practically be standing in the shallow end the entire time, dressed in the equivalent of normal clothes (shorts and t-shirt/rash vest). Not exactly 'swimming'. If anyone makes a big deal just cite increased risk of sunburn from being in the water/reflected UV.

It's a little sad for your daughter that he's being so obstinate. Not to mention knowingly pushing significant amounts of the daytime holiday parenting onto you. Why do I get the impression if it was a private villa, just the 3 of you he'd still find a reason not to go in the pool with her?

If he's opting out now is he going to opt out her whole childhood? And force you to do anything and everything water-related? Most kids want to go in the pool or sea on holiday (UK or abroad), it seems selfish of him to unilaterally opt out. Not to mention dismissive of your period issues, not giving you a break and missing out on quality fun with your child.

Florenz · 01/05/2023 22:28

Why should he get to dictate what holiday you all go on when everyone enjoys a swimming pool holiday? Is sitting by a pool in the sun sipping a drink and going into the pool occasionally that taxing? Who wants to take a 2 year old on a "city break" or a cycling holiday, it'd be a nightmare (and a lot more expensive than sitting by the pool).

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 22:29

Truestorypeeps · 01/05/2023 22:19

Presumably, it's just a shallow pool and he's in no worse shape than anyone else on the holiday? Rash vest all the way if he's embarrassed to not have a toned body. Sorted.

If he still won't budge and his body image is of utmost importance to him (I thought you get more comfortable in your own skin/don't care about what others think as you get older), then he can join a gym or something so that he's able to have fun with his child in the pool. I mean, come on, it's going in a small private pool (suck it up), it's not having a fear of heights and abseiling down Niagara Falls!

Or maybe, given he does his share of parenting in a way that he does enjoy by taking his child for walks etc, he can stay out of the pool and not be forced into something when he is adamantly saying no to it.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 22:30

Florenz · 01/05/2023 22:28

Why should he get to dictate what holiday you all go on when everyone enjoys a swimming pool holiday? Is sitting by a pool in the sun sipping a drink and going into the pool occasionally that taxing? Who wants to take a 2 year old on a "city break" or a cycling holiday, it'd be a nightmare (and a lot more expensive than sitting by the pool).

In your opinion!

readbooksdrinktea · 01/05/2023 22:32

Why should he get to dictate what holiday you all go on when everyone enjoys a swimming pool holiday?

He isn't dictating anything, though. Quite the opposite: he is going on a holiday he doesn't particularly enjoy. Every year, apparently.

User1438423 · 01/05/2023 22:32

I think it's really odd, and don't think I'd tolerate an annual holiday abroad of this type with him. But if you are with your family, why can't they share with the swimming with your daughter? If he won't swim in front of others, is a fussy eater, doesn't drink, have you asked him if he'd rather stay home? If he's not comfortable letting your family see him in swimwear, he isn't comfortable around your family. Can you just go with them and leave him at home?

Mayorquimby2 · 01/05/2023 22:35

Years of a holiday based around activities he has no interest in but suits you and now you're inconvenienced things need to change.

Your poor fucking husband

Theluggage15 · 01/05/2023 22:35

I can’t imagine putting up with going on holiday with young and/or irresponsible in-laws every year and just eating and drinking and being in a pool. Maybe you should just go by yourself and he can do something more interesting.

ShowUs · 01/05/2023 22:36

YABU

I love being in the pool but I will not be guilt tripped if I don’t want to go in and I don’t need to give a reason.

Respect his decision.
I’m sure there are plenty of things that you won’t do that he would.

Camablanca · 01/05/2023 22:38

OK everyone OP has said they go on multiple holidays.. so that's sorted.
Honestly OP he isn't a child. You can't force him to do something that's not a mandatory part of parenting.
And a holiday with your entire family around - what's the point of having them there if they can't even take turns to supervise?
You are the parent. You decide how much time your kid spends in the pool, not her.

justasking111 · 01/05/2023 22:41

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There's great board shorts out there @Starlightcloud

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