Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 04/05/2023 19:07

EVHead · 01/05/2023 20:54

Body image my arse. Getting in the pool is part of being a parent. It’s about the child having fun, not about him.

You see all sizes and shapes on holiday and no one cares.

But he dies care. He’s willing to do other stuff just not the pool. I hate water - I get it

ellyeth · 04/05/2023 23:12

My husband won't swim either. I go in the sea on my own but I am a very poor swimmer and it's not much fun on your own. However, he has the right to make that decision.

In your case, if your husband is willing to do other activities with your child, I don't think it is helpful to try and force the issue - particularly as you say your husband can't swim. Whilst I do think it is natural for children to want to be in the pool, I don't think it is necessary for all your time to be spent in the pool. It is your - and your husband's - holiday as well and children need to learn that they cannot fulfill their every whim all the time. Of course, it is difficult trying to reason with a young child so try and distract her and get her interested in doing other things - eg "let's go for a walk and see how many ........... we can see" (like a sort of I Spy hunt).

I agree with those who say perhaps you should book different types of holiday, rather than one where a pool will be the main focus.

jannier · 05/05/2023 09:24

oosha · 02/05/2023 19:00

I would be pissed off to be honest, he needs to pull his weight as a parent. Can’t he go in wearing shorts and a t-shirt? That would surely help with his body issues? I’m not undermining the challenges of these kinds of problems but he maybe want to think about getting help if it is impacting his ability to spend time with his child doing the things she wants to do and enjoy.

Not sure that a soaking wet t shirt clinging to your body would enhance the body image. You also don't know the family they may be ones who rip the p out of each other as fun... especially as they are all drinking.

Hellocatshome · 05/05/2023 09:38

jannier · 05/05/2023 09:24

Not sure that a soaking wet t shirt clinging to your body would enhance the body image. You also don't know the family they may be ones who rip the p out of each other as fun... especially as they are all drinking.

Show quote history

She's two, no need for the husband to be in the water past his waist really.

Sartre · 05/05/2023 09:41

I mean YANBU because it’s a private pool so the only people who will see his body are his family including his wife who sees it all of the bloody time anyway. He’s being ridiculous. He can wear a vest if he’s really that bothered.

SparklyBlackKitten · 05/05/2023 09:45

Tell your dd NO
It's very easy op

Also yabu to plan all these family gatherings doing things your husband hates /doesn't want to do

And what's with the "I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!"
Surely you are just making this up. You really think that they would let your kid drown?

SparklyBlackKitten · 05/05/2023 09:46

What is with pp's suggesting to wear a shirt shirt?you still look fat if you wear one. It doesn't hide fat. It just hides skin..

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/05/2023 09:59

Is she the only child there

QueefQueen80s · 05/05/2023 10:01

He's being a selfish prick

thing47 · 05/05/2023 10:48

He really isn't. By OP's own admission he is happy to do all sorts of other stuff with his daughter, there's no suggestion here that he is anything other than good dad, or good husband. How many of us go on a holiday we don't really enjoy, with our in-laws, every year for the sake of our partner? I certainly wouldn't…

There's just one thing DH doesn't want to do – and never has because he hates it. The daughter gets plenty of time in the water with her mother, and then the father can do something else with her while the mother gets a break. It is not essential for the daughter to be in the pool every waking minute – she's 2, just tell her she is going to do something else now.

QueefQueen80s · 05/05/2023 10:50

He really is.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/05/2023 10:50

cardibach · 01/05/2023 20:55
Coming at this from a slightly different perspective - why not find a holiday you all enjoy rather than trying to shoehorn him into one he doesn’t really like?”

This. I hate swimming too but my husband has never pressured me about it.

Florenz · 05/05/2023 12:00

When did swimming become something that people "hate" to the point where they won't go into the pool with their own kids on holiday? I can understand not being a fan of actual swimming, but just splashing about in the pool in hot weather? It's not something I've ever experienced.

OhmygodDont · 05/05/2023 12:20

Florenz · 05/05/2023 12:00

When did swimming become something that people "hate" to the point where they won't go into the pool with their own kids on holiday? I can understand not being a fan of actual swimming, but just splashing about in the pool in hot weather? It's not something I've ever experienced.

I’ll do it in front of strangers. Wouldn’t be getting into a pool with my in-laws around.

Mayorquimby2 · 05/05/2023 13:36

QueefQueen80s · 05/05/2023 10:01

He's being a selfish prick

I think the op is female

Muddydogpawprints · 05/05/2023 13:43

I don't think he can be forced into the pool but its sad he won't put his feelings aside for his own child.

My husband can barely swim due to spinal injury, is disabled due to said spinal injury, multiple surgical scars, walks with a stick or can barely walk at all nd still managed to get in the pool with our 3 year old.

jannier · 05/05/2023 18:03

Florenz · 05/05/2023 12:00

When did swimming become something that people "hate" to the point where they won't go into the pool with their own kids on holiday? I can understand not being a fan of actual swimming, but just splashing about in the pool in hot weather? It's not something I've ever experienced.

Never seen my dad or my husband near a pool load's of us can't think of anything more boring than hours at a pool.

brunettemic · 05/05/2023 18:41

There’s a couple of things for me here. Firstly, I think you need to consider if a holiday revolving around food and drink, with young irresponsible people is still the right holiday for you.

Secondly I’m disgusted at so many people’s reactions to OPs DH having a negative body image. Is it not ok for men to have an issue like that all of a sudden? My DH is the same (he’s uncomfortable with his chest mostly) but in fairness does get over it on holiday. Rash vests, being tight, actually make that negative image worse for a lot of people.

Thirdly, you just need to talk sensibly to him about it. Negative body image is difficult because ultimately nobody really cares but the person thinks others do. There must be a healthy halfway house between you not having to deal with being on and having to force DH to do something.

phoenixrosehere · 05/05/2023 19:18

SparklyBlackKitten · 05/05/2023 09:45

Tell your dd NO
It's very easy op

Also yabu to plan all these family gatherings doing things your husband hates /doesn't want to do

And what's with the "I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!"
Surely you are just making this up. You really think that they would let your kid drown?

And what's with the "I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!"
Surely you are just making this up. You really think that they would let your kid drown?

Agree. Heck, I wouldn’t feel comfortable going on a holiday where everyone but I drank and only kept to the pool, were either too young or irresponsible with a child in tow. I wouldn’t want to go alone, family or not. If something were to happen to me or DH and I (injury or sickness) I would want someone I could trust to have my child.

I know I could trust both DH and I’s parents and siblings when we’ve gone on holidays together.

ToWhitToWhoo · 05/05/2023 19:35

Frankly, I think that your biggest problem is not that your dh won't get in the pool, but that you and your small child are staying with a set of relatives, of whom there is not one person whom you trust to look after your child for any length of time.

Either you are unreasonably suspicious of their abilities, or it is not a great setting to spend a holiday which includes a small and demanding child.

Catsmere · 05/05/2023 23:48

jannier · 05/05/2023 18:03

Never seen my dad or my husband near a pool load's of us can't think of anything more boring than hours at a pool.

Show quote history

Same. I can’t swim despite my parents forcing me to have swimming lessons at 9. I have never been in or near a pool since. I’d be bored rigid at best on these holidays OP describes.

Raydt · 20/08/2023 16:02

@Starlightcloud, you mention your husband doesn’t drink. What it the relevance of this?

Raydt · 20/08/2023 16:09

TheBerry · 04/05/2023 09:16

@Starlightcloud he sounds a bit wet OP. Fussy eater, won’t get in the pool… I’d be annoyed with him too.

He’s not changed. She chose to marry him. She chose to have a child with him. She still chooses to take him on a holiday with her, apparently, irresponsible family… she should be grateful he’s not upped and left her.

Rachealfar · 20/08/2023 16:20

This sounds like my idea of a holiday hell. I love to observe family groups like this when away. A poor, beaten down husband on holiday with his wife’s extended family, trying his best to fit in while they swill pints of lagers and bowls of chips, getting louder and louder and redder and redder around the pool from 9am until a great table of carbs and saturated fat is presented. Now a mother, the wife feels she has some elevated status and is able to run down the man, possibly the only man who would marry her.

These loud families groups could be in any country in the world, but will cut and paste same holiday year after year. He’s either a saint or a fool.

@Starlightcloud, I could have interpreted this completely wrong, but just back from a family holiday, I’m still smiling at the memories of these family dynamics. Perhaps next year, you, your husband and child can holiday just the three of you. It’s possible then he’ll feel more a part of the holiday and not just their to do as he’s told. I bet he gets to carry the bags!

Hilsvision · 20/08/2023 16:22

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/05/2023 10:50

cardibach · 01/05/2023 20:55
Coming at this from a slightly different perspective - why not find a holiday you all enjoy rather than trying to shoehorn him into one he doesn’t really like?”

This. I hate swimming too but my husband has never pressured me about it.

I agree. Just the husband, wife and child. A big group can be intimidating/nauseating.