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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 03/05/2023 07:31

Yabu, sorry OP.

Your child doesn't 'have' to be in the pool the whole time especially if that doesn't suit everyone else. Life doesn't revolve around the baby, I'm sorry to say.

It's your husband's holiday too, maybe he wants to relax and enjoy himself and he's already said he's OK to do other activities with the baby.

If it was a woman with bad body image I expect the responses would be rather different! Maybe next time pick a holiday you'll all enjoy. Your husband isn't a puppet for you to put where it suits.

NewLifter · 03/05/2023 07:42

Sorry OP, but I also say YABU. He has had to endure so many of these blooming holidays over the years that he doesn't enjoy, now you want to make it even worse for him by making him get in the pool, which he really hates? Nope, not ok!

You booked it knowing this problem would arise again, you could have easily picked somewhere with no pool!

Juanne · 03/05/2023 07:53

I think you’re lucky he goes on these holidays with your family at all. Get him to arrange a holiday that he would like for a change, without your family.

jannier · 03/05/2023 08:39

Florenz · 03/05/2023 00:24

What kind of holiday would a two year old enjoy more than being out in the sunshine with a swimming pool to play in?

City break? No, that would be a nightmare with a two year old in tow.

Sightseeing, being dragged round a country looking at ruins, no.

Skiing, white water rafting, extreme sports, no.

Maybe Butlins, Haven or something with the shows and child friendly entertainment. But they have entertainment like that at the pool resorts in Spain etc too.

But the op goes to a private villa with her family to eat drink and sit by the pool every year the husband puts up with that every year despite not liking it....and presumably is the only sober adult looking after all the young people once the others have drunk all day. .....sounds like hell for him. ....every year all holiday long.

loislovesstewie · 03/05/2023 08:54

I can't swim, my late DH couldn't swim. Both of our kids swim like fishes. I can't swim because a particularly horrid adult shoved me under the water when I was young. I can't bear to be in water beyond my waist now. It didn't stop my kids from learning that I have a fear of water.

rookiemere · 03/05/2023 08:57

Quite a few extrapolations here.
Nowhere has it been said that the DH is responsible for anyone except his own DD.
He also has gone on these holidays for a number of years, presumably without serious complaints.
OP also says they go on a number of other holidays.

Yes poor old DD should go on a pool free holiday so her DF gets to relax. Thankfully DS is a lot older, but I seem to remember when he was young, if he was happy, I was happy, relaxing doesn't really come into the equation with a young DC.

Skybluepinky · 03/05/2023 09:13

Sounds like u have arrange a holiday that hubby isn’t keen on and he has told u he doesn’t want to go in the pool, and then u r moaning he won’t go in the pool.
So therefore u have given yrself the job of being in the pool.
Did u think u could bullying him into going in the pool?

Doone21 · 03/05/2023 09:35

You're bring unreasonable to make him get in pool but bloody well make him take his turn doing kid duty. If that means she has a tantrum as she can't go in pool that's his problem to sort out and he'll have to do something else with her or get in. Don't make it your problem to cater to everyone

vivaespanaole · 03/05/2023 11:06

If your child wears a properly fitted swimming waistcoat. Your DH could sit on the side whilst she splashed about. It may be wise to do this with other adults around in the extremely unlikely event she needed to be rescued. Even if it means you are nearby but laid on a lounger reading your book and could jump up if your DH called out in an emergency.

phoenixrosehere · 03/05/2023 11:10

rookiemere · 03/05/2023 08:57

Quite a few extrapolations here.
Nowhere has it been said that the DH is responsible for anyone except his own DD.
He also has gone on these holidays for a number of years, presumably without serious complaints.
OP also says they go on a number of other holidays.

Yes poor old DD should go on a pool free holiday so her DF gets to relax. Thankfully DS is a lot older, but I seem to remember when he was young, if he was happy, I was happy, relaxing doesn't really come into the equation with a young DC.

Yet, OP knew his thing about pools before children nor is being in a pool all day a necessity for a small child.

OP also says he does other things with their child but she wants him to this one thing that she knows he doesn’t like and doesn’t do. As others have said, he can do other things so OP has a break and vice versa.

What I find a bit odd is that OP can’t trust any of her family with her DD which sounds like her DH has little choice but to go otherwise OP wouldn’t get a break at all.

PollyPut · 03/05/2023 11:20

@Starlightcloud I would be very concerned about how much sun your child is going to get if they spend so much time in the pool - and the messaging that they are receiving about how much time is OK to spend in the sun. The sun cream washes off and it's hard to wear a hat in the pool

Get relatives to play games with the child if they won't get in the pool with the child - presumably there is some garden space there? A couple of rackets and a ball? Teach them to skip? All kinds of bonding things that you can do.

Also I was wondering whether DH burns easily - this might be another reason he's not keen to spend so much time in the pool.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 03/05/2023 12:08

I’m sorry but you’re being a unreasonable about this. Why not do something else this year? Clearly it’s not your DH’s cup of tea, why force him?

jannier · 03/05/2023 13:00

rookiemere · 03/05/2023 07:21

It's hardly a holiday from hell for him.

He has gone on this trip for years, seemingly without complaint.

It would be perverse to stop it now because his DD enjoys spending time in the pool. I'm also still stuck on how much swimming a toddler actually does, buy her a floatation suit and sit by the pool watching. He doesn't need to be Sharron Davies to supervise his own DC.

It is a holiday from hell if he has openly said for years none of the things they do he enjoys he's gone to please others I'm guessing now he's being pushed into doing more things that he finds distressing exposing your body if you have anxiety to your in-laws is just as distressing as to strangers.

jannier · 03/05/2023 14:57

phoenixrosehere · 03/05/2023 11:10

Yet, OP knew his thing about pools before children nor is being in a pool all day a necessity for a small child.

OP also says he does other things with their child but she wants him to this one thing that she knows he doesn’t like and doesn’t do. As others have said, he can do other things so OP has a break and vice versa.

What I find a bit odd is that OP can’t trust any of her family with her DD which sounds like her DH has little choice but to go otherwise OP wouldn’t get a break at all.

Show quote history

Sounds like they all get really drunk can't think of another reason they can't watch her

Teenagehorrorbag · 03/05/2023 21:47

I feel for you! DH is like my third kid, he can be really annoying sometimes when I don't think he's acting in a totally adult way (lighthearted) but he's a total star on holiday!

I prefer to lie by the pool and read rather than spend hours playing ball games etc, especially when it's a bit chilly (in my opinion...) - but he is great and happy to spend most of the day in the water with the kids. Ours are teenagers now but we've going to Spain since they were about 7 and he always does the pool and sea stuff. Obvs I do a bit here and there and enjoy that, but I do feel the cold, and short stints are my limit.

Our holidays would have a totally different dynamic if he didn't do that. Last year we went to a villa with my sister and her son, and DH spent hours in the pool with our three kids while she and I chatted, it was lovely. If he wasn't a swimmer/big kid we would have had quite a different holiday (not least because he would have been at a loose end).

I suppose I take it for granted that he does all that - but of course I would expect to share if he wasn't so good at it. But having a partner who does none of that would really change my idea of a holiday (and that of our DCs). I know I'm lucky, but your situation sounds really challenging. I suppose I am your DH in some ways, in that I prefer not to spend too much time in the pool - but I would make a bit of an effort. But I do appreciate not having to.....Grin

Notfeelinglikemyselftoday · 03/05/2023 21:53

This isn't really about you, it's about your DC's needs he either sticks a t-shirt on or spends 50% off pool time entertaining her away from the pool. I know which will be less hassle

Ladykryptonite · 03/05/2023 21:58

Of course he should get in the pool, helping kids to be confident in water is an important life skill

2bazookas · 03/05/2023 22:24

Just book a holiday for the three of you; perhaps NOT a place with a pool, so your child won't want to be in it all the time. You could have a rural holiday and visit a beach .

TheBerry · 04/05/2023 09:16

@Starlightcloud he sounds a bit wet OP. Fussy eater, won’t get in the pool… I’d be annoyed with him too.

Florenz · 04/05/2023 14:38

Maybe he's the Wicked Witch of the West in disguise.

shivawn · 04/05/2023 14:41

My husband often wears a UV rash top into the pool because his fair Irish skins burns so easily, no one looks twice.

Dalekjastninerels · 04/05/2023 14:42

YABU

Mum never got in the pool on holiday abroad when we were children ( I have a brother) and we and Dad accepted it as her choice. It was no big deal at all.

thing47 · 04/05/2023 15:00

Definitely unreasonable, sorry. Your DH is already going on a holiday which he doesn't particularly enjoy, every year with your family, for your sake. And on top of that you want to force him to do something else which you know full well he doesn't want to do.

Imagine the responses if this was the other way round: 'I'm a little over-weight and self-conscious about my body this year. DH is insisting I take my turn in the pool with our toddler but I really don't want to.' Everyone would be telling OP that 'no is a complete sentence' and things like that.

Dalekjastninerels · 04/05/2023 15:14

thing47 · 04/05/2023 15:00

Definitely unreasonable, sorry. Your DH is already going on a holiday which he doesn't particularly enjoy, every year with your family, for your sake. And on top of that you want to force him to do something else which you know full well he doesn't want to do.

Imagine the responses if this was the other way round: 'I'm a little over-weight and self-conscious about my body this year. DH is insisting I take my turn in the pool with our toddler but I really don't want to.' Everyone would be telling OP that 'no is a complete sentence' and things like that.

Yes; none of us got upset with Mum we accepted her decision.

jannier · 04/05/2023 19:01

Ladykryptonite · 03/05/2023 21:58

Of course he should get in the pool, helping kids to be confident in water is an important life skill

You could also argue that his discomfort and body language could make her worried. She's getting many hours in the pool with mum a few out of it isn't going to impact her water confidence.