Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
katemulberrybush · 02/05/2023 20:35

I think you should go on holiday as a threesome as it doesn't sound as if he enjoys the holidays like you do

Brefugee · 02/05/2023 20:38

So you get to choose what you do. And you get to choose what DD does (what she wants) and you get to choose what DH does too?

In his shoes, I'd have knocked the family holidays on the head. If he doesn't want to swim he doesn't have to. And you can tell DD that she can't be in the pool all the time. She needs boundaries and this is good practice for you

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2023 20:49

Sits on fence

You go on a holiday that dh doesn't enjoy as doesn't like water or drinking and with your family - he's a saint !!

But you said you do go away on other holidays assuming one's he enjoys and without your family

I get you want a sun fun holiday. I love my 2w in the sun and obv after having mini blondes holidays aren't the same

But that's being a parent and wouldn't change a thing

When she was a baby and 1&2 was in the pool lots but so was dh

She also napped 2/3hrs so had my hours in the sun chilling

Covid stopped 3&4yrs and last year at 5 was more chilled as older and semi swimming

This year at 6 it will be easier. I sit tight by the pool and watch while she plays. I go in and dh go in and she plays with friends

What I am trying to say woffling is that it will get easier and next year won't be so stressful unless you have another baby

But if you go away on holiday with friends or family then they can also get in the pool so ask them to give you a break

Is she the only child ?

Who are the other members of family who go @Starlightcloud

Bernardo1 · 02/05/2023 20:52

Really, who cares!

unfortunateevents · 02/05/2023 20:53

What is your husband doing on this sunny holiday which involves a pool? I mean, what is he wearing while everyone else is in swimwear and hopping in and out of the water? If he is in a t-shirt and shorts, I don't really see the issue with getting in the pool but if he is covered up in a shirt and long trousers then he must be miserably hot. I know lots of people are saying that this sounds all about you and what you want but if there are several other holidays a year which you both enjoy then I think this one is what is called "compromise".

Yourcatisnotsorry · 02/05/2023 20:54

My OH hates the beach. My kids love it and I like it so I do all the beach stuff with them while he generally sits on a rock looking miserable. So I kind of get it. If he will do other stuff with your child and not expect you to entertain her 24/7 I would let it slide. He sounds no fun though, what does he like to do?

Witchbitch20 · 02/05/2023 21:00

cardibach · 01/05/2023 20:55

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective - why not find a holiday you all enjoy rather than trying to shoehorn him into one he doesn’t really like?

This.

user1496146479 · 02/05/2023 21:33

JackiePlace · 02/05/2023 00:13

Tell him he needs to man up and that no-one is interested in his flabby/scrawny body.

Biscuit
Florenz · 02/05/2023 21:36

Pool holidays abroad are the most inexpensive form of holiday. City breaks, ski trips etc are far more expensive. Swimming/playing in the pool with your children is basic parenting, and not something that can be opted out of IMO. Any more than refusing to take your children to the park because you don't like grass or mud or something.

1offnamechange · 02/05/2023 22:09

Goingthere · 02/05/2023 18:11

Agree with this to be honest.

Show quote history

yes this.
Put it another way - you hate football but have a football mad child. All they want to do is play football. Your husband also enjoys football. All your holidays over the last few years have been aimed around football and other things you don't enjoy but your DHs family do and you've gone along with it. Instead of being grateful your DH now wants you to spend half your holiday actively playing football with your kid.
Swap for golf or or anything else.

He's already gone on holiday with the in-laws for years (people you describe as being too irresponsible to look after their own grandchild/niece), which wouldn't be most people's idea of fun. He's gone along with the type of holiday you like to keep you happy despite not enjoying it himself. He's offered to do other things with your DC to entertain them. None of that is good enough!

If I were your DH I'd say it's his turn to pick a holiday, if you want to go with your family somewhere he's not keen on you can go alone/take DC without him.

I think you should be pretty grateful for him tbh. I think the most you can ask for is that he spends an equal time looking after dd as you so you both get some chill out time, i.e. look I've spent the morning in the pool with her, you look after her for the next 3 hours - up to him whether he wants her to go in the pool, for a walk, watch tv inside, whatever.

gannett · 02/05/2023 22:24

Florenz · 02/05/2023 21:36

Pool holidays abroad are the most inexpensive form of holiday. City breaks, ski trips etc are far more expensive. Swimming/playing in the pool with your children is basic parenting, and not something that can be opted out of IMO. Any more than refusing to take your children to the park because you don't like grass or mud or something.

There are numerous posters in this actual thread whose mothers or fathers opted out of playing in the pool due to health conditions, being unable to swim or plain not wanting to, and those posters grew up unscarred by it. So clearly it IS something that can be opted out of. Weird to frame it as some sort of iron rule.

TemporaryNaming · 02/05/2023 22:27

Missing the point of the thread but could you set up a little paddling pool for DD in/near the shade then she can dip in & out and be safe? Could cut down on the amount of time she wants to be in the big pool? I also have a water mad DD and a DP who to be quite truthful hates any form of entertaining her by the water, luckily I enjoy it &, she is older now and swims like a fish so I just need to keep an eye on her! It gets easier but there's no point in fighting your partner on things he doesn't want to do, he will resent you for it & your DD will realise he doesn't want to be in there with her.

Catsmere · 02/05/2023 22:35

CRD67 · 02/05/2023 18:22

Tell your husband how much fun he's missing out on. Hopefully he'll get it. If that fails take the pill continuously to delay your period for your daughter's sake.

He knows he doesn’t enjoy it. Being told you’re missing out on fun is enormously irritating when you know you don’t want to do the thing in question.

CRD67 · 02/05/2023 22:37

Catsmere · 02/05/2023 22:35

He knows he doesn’t enjoy it. Being told you’re missing out on fun is enormously irritating when you know you don’t want to do the thing in question.

Show quote history

Okay. Can you do time in pool with you. Time out of the pool fun with dad.

Florenz · 02/05/2023 22:39

gannett · 02/05/2023 22:24

There are numerous posters in this actual thread whose mothers or fathers opted out of playing in the pool due to health conditions, being unable to swim or plain not wanting to, and those posters grew up unscarred by it. So clearly it IS something that can be opted out of. Weird to frame it as some sort of iron rule.

Show quote history

I'm sure there's kids who grew up never being taken to the park because their parents didn't want them to get dirty, and consider themselves "unscarred" but it doesn't make it right.

If you've got health conditions that literally prevent you from going in water, fair enough.
If you're unable to swim, learn. You don't have to be able to be a very strong swimmer to happily splash about with your child in the shallow end of a pool with other strong swimmers nearby.
If you "don't want to", get over it. Being a parent is all about sometimes doing things you don't want to do.

Catsmere · 02/05/2023 22:43

That makes more sense and plenty of pp have said just that. These holidays sound like a nightmare to me tbh (I also don’t drink or swim and am particular about what food I like - I would be bored rigid having to hang around a pool all day with a bunch of “young and irresponsible” in-laws).

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 02/05/2023 22:47

Florenz · 02/05/2023 22:39

I'm sure there's kids who grew up never being taken to the park because their parents didn't want them to get dirty, and consider themselves "unscarred" but it doesn't make it right.

If you've got health conditions that literally prevent you from going in water, fair enough.
If you're unable to swim, learn. You don't have to be able to be a very strong swimmer to happily splash about with your child in the shallow end of a pool with other strong swimmers nearby.
If you "don't want to", get over it. Being a parent is all about sometimes doing things you don't want to do.

Show quote history

And growing up is a lot about learning the world doesn’t revolve around you and you don’t say ‘I want’ and automatically get.

Couldn’t disagree with you more strongly.

jannier · 02/05/2023 23:06

Why can't you go on a holiday that has lots of other things to do like child's theme parks etc? It's his holiday too your daughter doesn't have to be swimming all day every day and making it a holiday from hell for him.

Florenz · 02/05/2023 23:08

If this man was refusing to change his babies dirty nappy because he didn't like shit, it wouldn't be acceptable. I'm not saying playing with a child in the water is as important as changing it's nappy, because it's not. But it's not far off. Being comfortable with water and swimming is an essential life skill. People die from drowning because their parents don't like swimming and never teach them to swim as a child. And aside from that, playing with your young daughter in the pool in the sunshine is one of the more joyful things I can think of. I can't imagine someone being so miserable that they wouldn't get enjoyment out of it, even if they aren't a big fan of swimming.

Buffs · 02/05/2023 23:47

Maybe he’d prefer a different holiday? Two year olds enjoy all sorts of things.

joycerousselot · 02/05/2023 23:52

I think it's called joint parenting?

Florenz · 03/05/2023 00:24

What kind of holiday would a two year old enjoy more than being out in the sunshine with a swimming pool to play in?

City break? No, that would be a nightmare with a two year old in tow.

Sightseeing, being dragged round a country looking at ruins, no.

Skiing, white water rafting, extreme sports, no.

Maybe Butlins, Haven or something with the shows and child friendly entertainment. But they have entertainment like that at the pool resorts in Spain etc too.

Mortimercat · 03/05/2023 06:58

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/05/2023 08:37

@Mortimercat why is it "bizarre" to expect a dad to look after his own child in a swimming pool to give the mum a break so she's not in the pool the whole day. The OP is not expecting him to be in the pool 24/7, it's just to give her a break so she's not bleeding into the actual pool on her heavy days. Surely as a woman you can empathise with that feeling?

Surely you tag team as a parent? He should take his turn. Heavy periods aside, perhaps the OP would like a drink in peace and to read her book and sunbathe as well rather than being on a 24/7 toddler watch.

This is so, so weird, feeling sorry for a man that is taken on a free holiday every year. I mean poor diddums! It might not be his bag but then he's a grown adult and could refuse to go if he hated it that much. And I'm really surprised at all the adults on this thread that wouldn't wear a swimsuit in front of their in-laws. That's actually really sad.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Your lack of reading comprehension is showing again. Because the only thing I called bizarre was your post. Sorry didn’t read more than your first sentence.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/05/2023 07:08

@Mortimercat if you didn't read beyond the first sentence then how do you know my post is incomprehensible or bizarre?

Perhaps I just have a different opinion to yours? That's allowed isn't it? I think the thread was fairly evenly split with posters in both camps. That's the beauty of these threads; how boring if we just had the same opinion.

No need to be rude or snippy. I don't think I was rude to you or indeed to anyone else on this thread.

Have a good day everybody.

rookiemere · 03/05/2023 07:21

It's hardly a holiday from hell for him.

He has gone on this trip for years, seemingly without complaint.

It would be perverse to stop it now because his DD enjoys spending time in the pool. I'm also still stuck on how much swimming a toddler actually does, buy her a floatation suit and sit by the pool watching. He doesn't need to be Sharron Davies to supervise his own DC.

Swipe left for the next trending thread