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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't swim on holiday

356 replies

Starlightcloud · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

OP posts:
diddl · 02/05/2023 15:54

I love swimming but splashing about in a pool with kids not so much-so my husband mostly did it.

Herecomesthemoon · 02/05/2023 15:56

I sympathise. My ex liked swimming by himself but refused to go in once we had DC. I always had to be in the pool with the DC, standing in the shallow end keeping an eye on them and unable to swim myself. It's better being single than being with a man who refuses to do things with his DC.

TwoGrubbySlippers · 02/05/2023 15:59

After losing a lot of weight and going from a size 18 to a size 8 I have a load of saggy skin. I'm incredibly self conscious of it and do not even own a swimming costume. I have never been swimming with my children. And yes, this makes me very sad to think about. My husband takes them and he's well aware that nothing he can say or do will make me go in. Until I can afford £30k in plastic surgery to correct my issues I wouldn't be caught dead in a pool.

So for someone to try and force me to do something against my will that makes me incredibly self conscious would make me really resent them.

Pop a tampon in OP and go swimming with them and leave your husband to do other things with them.

phoenixrosehere · 02/05/2023 16:03

marmb87 · 02/05/2023 15:29

I had an accident in water when I was younger and don’t like being in the water at all. I have gone in when the kids were little but I steer clear now and we don’t tend to do holidays that centre round being in a pool all day. If my husband and kids want to swim, He is happy to take them, and I will do something else with them that gives him a breather.

If my husband and kids want to swim, He is happy to take them, and I will do something else with them that gives him a breather.

Same. My DH and I often divide and conquer because our oldest likes going in the pool while our youngest is only comfortable putting his feet in and after a few minutes gets bored by it. DH knows and respects that I am not a pool person and if it was any other type of water thing, such as, the ones where water shoots out or the water only comes to the shins I would be in there with them and he would be the one with our things. The only water we do agree going in together is the sea but he and the oldest aren’t a fan of sand, hence beach holidays are only done with his family. We wouldn’t do them otherwise.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2023 16:10

FKATondelayo · 02/05/2023 15:15

This thread is so depressing. "You mustn't expect men to do basic parenting if it makes them uncomfortable. You must go to the doctors to get drugs or stuff yourself with tampons instead."

The expectation that a father must do enough supervision and get wet enough to ensure his toddler doesn't drown is unreasonable. How low is the bar set.

People have different strengths and weaknesses - why is that a problem?

I mean, my mum would never be seen dead on a rollercoaster - so when I was younger, it was my dad who took me to theme parks and water parks. My dad hated the cinema so my mum would sit through endless Disney movies with me.

I don't feel remotely like my mum was opting out because she didn't ride Space Mountain with me when I was 10, nor did I feel like my dad was a crap parent because he refused to take me to see Pocahontas.

waterlego · 02/05/2023 16:14

I was going to say the same as @cardibach. Does your husband enjoy these holidays? If they revolve around food, drink and the pool and he only partakes in one of those things, I wonder if he’s not having a great time. You’re also away with your family, and no matter how well he gets on with your folks, you’re probably enjoying these holidays more than he is. There is an argument for doing things you don’t particularly enjoy for the benefit of the kids, of course, but maybe once in a while you could try a different type of holiday of his choosing?

Anderson2018 · 02/05/2023 16:15

taking a 2 year old abroad with access to a pool is a bit of a nightmare, I wouldn’t book a holiday if it was just me that was able to supervise in the pool. Me and my husband do caravan holidays or hire a cottage in the uk, that’s what we’ve decided is best while our kids are young. Then when their older and can swim properly we will start going abroad again. Uk beaches are great and you get some great caravan sights with plenty entertainment for them. Maybe not your ideal holiday but it’s a lot more relaxing that’s being on constant life guard duty.

Swellinyewing · 02/05/2023 16:31

Nope, nothing would get me into a pool. Would take the kids for any other activity bar that.

HikingforScenery · 02/05/2023 16:35

I agree with others. I’d hate these ´holidays’ in your husband’s shoes.

OhmygodDont · 02/05/2023 16:48

The husbands doesn’t have to go swimming to be an active parent. For all
we know he takes the toddler out in her stroller for long walks to get her to nap while op drinks and eats or even swims for her own joy.

Going in the pool all day every day is not a requirement for a child you know. Even I wouldn’t want to be in the pool
24/7 even if I wasn’t having a life sucked out of me kind of forced fun family holiday. I do like pools just not with my in-laws around.

HarLace1 · 02/05/2023 17:09

Is it a genuine fear though? Because that's very hard to make someone do something that are actually scared of. If it's just a 'i can't be arsed' attitude then nah, get in that pool with your daughter and suck it up!

CustardySergeant · 02/05/2023 17:17

BeetleBailey · 01/05/2023 21:07

I feel sorry for your husband. He's been going away with your family for years and you know he doesn't like it

Exactly, and yet people are calling him selfish!

rookiemere · 02/05/2023 17:39

Actually on rereading this I'm wondering if this holiday is paid for or if OP and family pay their share?

Another way of doing it now DD is a bit older is to say that the pool is for certain times - probably best to keep her out of the midday sun between 11-3 anyway. It is DHs job to entertain her during off pool time, and that also includes discussing with her why she isn't allowed in the pool then. That way you get some down time, and he picks up some blocks of parenting.

Goingthere · 02/05/2023 18:11

cardibach · 01/05/2023 20:55

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective - why not find a holiday you all enjoy rather than trying to shoehorn him into one he doesn’t really like?

Agree with this to be honest.

bellac11 · 02/05/2023 18:12

greyhairnomore · 02/05/2023 11:42

That would annoy me , he's not sharing the parenting.

OP hasnt said he isnt sharing the parenting, where have you got that from?

CRD67 · 02/05/2023 18:22

Tell your husband how much fun he's missing out on. Hopefully he'll get it. If that fails take the pill continuously to delay your period for your daughter's sake.

SwedishEdith · 02/05/2023 18:44

The OP doesn't seem to be giving much information. It's a bit like the other holiday thread where someone else is sulking because their husband isn't overly enthusiastic about joining all of his in-laws on holiday.

azlazee1 · 02/05/2023 18:47

As your husband has always avoided going in a pool, his response is not surprising. He is willing to help and entertain your daughter in other ways. Let him do that so you can have your breaks. Does daughter really need to be in the pool all the time??

oosha · 02/05/2023 19:00

I would be pissed off to be honest, he needs to pull his weight as a parent. Can’t he go in wearing shorts and a t-shirt? That would surely help with his body issues? I’m not undermining the challenges of these kinds of problems but he maybe want to think about getting help if it is impacting his ability to spend time with his child doing the things she wants to do and enjoy.

LadyRoughDiamond · 02/05/2023 19:55

Buy her a float vest and take it in turns with family to keep an eye on her? She’ll probably be happy pootling around in the water.

BTMadmummy · 02/05/2023 19:56

OldFan · 01/05/2023 23:26

I had an endometrial ablation BTW. If someone's periods have become particularly unpleasant and/or they are at the stage of completing their family, I'd recommend it to anyone whose periods are annoying.

Once you have all the DC you want you can consider it @Starlightcloud .

It's been no inconvenience to me- a day procedure and no periods since. Awesome.

I had this done too. My only regret was I didn't get it done sooner. It was life changing for me.

CornishGem1975 · 02/05/2023 20:00

I bloody hate swimming pools. Nothing to do with confidence or weight, I just don't enjoy it. Luckily the parent who does like it will get in and absolve me from having to. We all have our strengths. I will dig sandcastles for days, but nope I hate the pool, don't expect me to get in.

StillWantingADog · 02/05/2023 20:02

My dh has very similar pool issues. We went on our first holiday when we’d only known each other for a month and I recall well the awkward conversation when he admitted he wouldn’t go in the pool or sea

these days now the kids are older he is almost exclusively on the sun lounger. I’m sure he would go in to rescue if drowning.

bur yeah when they were younger, although I took a lead, he was doing his own “shifts” in the pool even though he hates it. Not fair for mum to be in the pool all the time while dad relaxes!
Unless he has a serious phobia of water he needs to get in the pool, Yanbu

phoenixrosehere · 02/05/2023 20:15

StillWantingADog · 02/05/2023 20:02

My dh has very similar pool issues. We went on our first holiday when we’d only known each other for a month and I recall well the awkward conversation when he admitted he wouldn’t go in the pool or sea

these days now the kids are older he is almost exclusively on the sun lounger. I’m sure he would go in to rescue if drowning.

bur yeah when they were younger, although I took a lead, he was doing his own “shifts” in the pool even though he hates it. Not fair for mum to be in the pool all the time while dad relaxes!
Unless he has a serious phobia of water he needs to get in the pool, Yanbu

Not fair for mum to be in the pool all the time while dad relaxes!

OP chooses to be in the pool all the time when she doesn’t have to. She said herself she sees it as fun while knowing her husband doesn’t agree nor feels the same and did so before they even had children. The child is 3 and does not need to be in a pool all day. They could easily break up the day and her DH can do something else with their child that doesn’t involve getting in the pool and gives OP a break.

WimpoleHat · 02/05/2023 20:23

Not fair for mum to be in the pool all the time while dad relaxes!

Not fair for dad to have to go on a holiday he hates every year while mum enjoys time with her relatives….