Husband won't swim on holiday

[Starlightcloud]

I have been with my husband for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. The holiday revolves around food and drink and being in the pool. My husband doesn't drink, is quite fussy with food and doesn't ever go in the pool. None of this has ever been a particular problem and we all co-exist pretty well on holiday. It's definitely not my husbands favourite thing but he does enjoy elements of it.
We have since had a child who came on this abroad holiday with us for the first time last year. Being a typical 2 year old, she wanted to spend the whole time in the pool so it meant that I had to be in there with her for the whole holiday. Obviously we had a great time but it did put a big burden on me as I didn't feel able to leave her in the care of any of my family for any length of time as they are either young or irresponsible!
Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my husband to see if he would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But he has said no as he struggles with his body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!)
I'm also due on my period while we are away and since having my daughter they have been incredibly heavy so it does put me off being in the pool all day.
AIBU to expect my husband to come in the pool this year?
Probably worth saying that he would take her for walks etc but she just doesn't want to be away from the pool!
It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

The whole ultra-martyring attitude of "as a parent, not only can you not do things you enjoy, but you MUST do things you actively dislike, because your 2yo sets the pace at all times" has never made me more glad to be child-free.

I have children and even I find this attitude ridiculous. As a family, we enjoy going to theme parks, however I HATE rollercoasters, and there is no way I will just suck it up and do it for my kids. Nope, nope and nope. I’ll hold the bags or whilst DH does them with the older dc, I’ll take the toddler on a gentle ride.

it’s no different to swimming - some people love it, some people will suck it up and do it for the dc, and some people hate it so much that it’s just a no. All of those feelings are valid and should not be minimised just because they are different to your own feelings.

I’m a bit confused, @Starlightcloud. On one hand you say you want your husband to join in the fun, but on the other, him not going in the pool is a “big burden” for you. Which is it?

For all those suggesting the OP’s child will somehow be deprived or traumatised because her dad never went in the pool with her - my mom can’t swim and my dad has an inner ear problem that made swimming very uncomfortable for him. My dad used to get in the shallow end to teach us to swim, but once we could, that was it - he was strictly on the sidelines watching. Neither my sister or I have felt the need to go into therapy over this in adulthood.

Going swimming in the pool is a really basic thing to do with children while on holiday. It's not like not taking them on extreme rollercoasters or hang gliding.

Going swimming in the pool is a really basic thing to do with children while on holiday.

If you like that type of holiday. Which the OP’s DH clearly doesn’t!

He needs to get over himself.

We went to Disney- I never said I went on any of the roller coasters. Thankfully DH does enjoy that sort of thing, so I can see if both of you hated them it would be difficult.
But in a similar vein, surely pool time with a toddler doesn't involve much actual swimming, it could be playing games with water toys at the shallow end of the pool.

Agree.

I’m not a fan of beach holidays and especially not ones where the most anyone wants to do is be next to a pool for a week. Physically being out in the heat and sun makes me ill to the point of fainting and it feels utterly wasteful to me to go on a plane to another country to do something I could easily do in my own in weather I can physically tolerate.

My in-laws love beach holidays and pay for lodging and taxi while we pay to get there. DH’s parents, siblings and all the children go. With our oldest being autistic I can’t decline not going and leaving DH to handle our two alone on a plane. MIL and I didn’t go into the pool at all while everyone else did. DH enjoys the pool so he went in with the boys. For me to enjoy such holidays, I plan small trips of exploring the area. I rent a stroller and take the youngest with me to nearby markets early in the day where it’s cooler or go somewhere else for a few hours alone otherwise I would be stuck inside trying to stay in the AC.

I have been with my wife for many years and most years we have gone on a holiday abroad with my family. ... It's definitely not my wife's favourite thing but she does enjoy elements of it. ... Fast forward to this year, I have spoken with my wife to see if she would feel comfortable going in the pool this year to share the responsibility (and fun!) But she has said no as she struggles with her body image (he has no reason to at all in my eyes but I know that's not the point!) ... AIBU to expect my wife to come in the pool this year? ... It's also a private pool so only us and my family would be in it.

Yeah, I don't like it. YABU.

That would annoy me , he's not sharing the parenting.

Well he's been going on a type of holiday that revolves around something he doesn't like doing for years for the sake of his family.

Maybe do something different that's more inclusive of stuff that he likes to do as well.

He can share parenting without going in the pool.

I'm actually wondering if there's more of a back story here that OP hasn't shared and her frustration at a much wider issue is manifesting over the swimming:

1)Her DH is a fussy eater.
2) Her DH has severe body issues that mean he doesn't want to be seen in swimming shorts in front of family.
3) He doesnt drink (absolutely fine on its own - I rarely drink but bear in mind as part of a wider picture).
4) Even though he's spending a week at a villa with a private pool he doesn't want to share the joy of playing with his daughter even for a short period.

Each one on its own isn't a big deal but looking at the overall picture I'm wondering if OP is frustrated at him not being much fun in general?
What does he enjoy? Does he let his hair down and have fun?

Is he social enough with your family in other aspects, joining in and having a laugh?

I don't have kids but I have common sense. Solution is obviously that mum with kid in pool, when mum wants break, kid goes to do something else with dad. Not sure what 3 pages of aggro are about.

I mean like that's how relationships work. You consider each other and compromise and find ways so everyone is happy.

The hotel we stayed in in lanzarote had splash pad fountains as well as a pool. Easy to supervise in regular clothing and from the "side".

Noone should be forced to swim ever. (And I love swimming.

Why does he need to drink and swim to have fun? Lots of different ways to enjoy a holiday but do neither. As for the fussy eating, what exactly does that mean? It's hard to know if he is unreasonable or whether it's just a liking for different things. And again not everyone wants a holiday by a pool every single time.

He can wear a long sleeved rash vest and loose shorts. Not fair otherwise.

Jesus leave the poor bloke alone. He already does a a shit load of stuff he doesn't want to do. Go to the doctors to stop your period or change the booking. I won't swim either and no amount of banging on will make me.

This thread is so depressing. "You mustn't expect men to do basic parenting if it makes them uncomfortable. You must go to the doctors to get drugs or stuff yourself with tampons instead."

The expectation that a father must do enough supervision and get wet enough to ensure his toddler doesn't drown is unreasonable. How low is the bar set.

My first thought was why it is always your family you go away with who are,by your words,young and irresponsible?why can't you do something your dh likes to do this year?
Perhaps if on a holiday he enjoys he might be more relaxed?
ask him if he would like a holiday just the three of you?
If on the pill I think GP can describe some extra to see you through holiday so no period whilst away.
perhaps your dh can do other things with dc to give you a break,it's your holiday too!

Probably because a holiday is supposed to be enjoyable for all those who are holidaying @FKATondelayo. As I said I went on umpteen holidays for the sake of the rest of my family until I said I was bored and wanted to do something I enjoyed. It was either that or I went by myself.

I had an accident in water when I was younger and don’t like being in the water at all. I have gone in when the kids were little but I steer clear now and we don’t tend to do holidays that centre round being in a pool all day. If my husband and kids want to swim, He is happy to take them, and I will do something else with them that gives him a breather.

^ This.

Have you ever gone on a holiday where he would enjoy rather than just going with your family.

You are the adults and you tell your daughter when she can and cannot use the pool. I assume your dh does other things with your daughter. Maybe he is not confident with his swimming and feels like he cannot keep your daughter safe.

Come back when you learn to write in paragraphs.

that was painful to read. I didn’t get beyond the first lines.

The OP clearly says he is a good swimmer, that they do multiple holidays a year and only this one involves a pool. Jesus. This thread is 'cancel the cheque' all over again.

The OP clearly says he's willing to share the parenting load fairly. Just not in a pool. This is absolutely reasonable.