Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

486 replies

micpop · 01/05/2023 18:37

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 01/05/2023 20:58

Hi OP, agree with the majority on here and your updates are positive, so well done for how you apologised and made amends.

Sorry if you've covered it already, but you say:

"She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway"

  • so, was the whole ear-piercing thing someone else's idea that she felt pressured to go along with? That seems strange to me, and makes the whole event even more unjust.
BSB30 · 01/05/2023 20:58

@depre I wouldn't myself but I think the OP knows that.

grievinggirlneedsadvice · 01/05/2023 20:59

ModestMoon · 01/05/2023 20:56

All the people saying it's terrible and unforgettable - what do you think the OP should do, put her daughter into care?

She's admitted that what she did was unacceptable and sought to make amends. Of course you shouldn't pinch and slap a child, the OP knows that. That's why she's upset. Just make sure it never ever happens again OP and I think you'll be ok.

You're right ModestMoon, although I stand by what I said in my first post, I appreciate there's no going back now and OP is making repairs and moving forward to not repeat.
I think I was more shocked by people commenting how her daughter was a brat and trying to put some blame on the daughter and aiming my comment on them

Sugarfish · 01/05/2023 20:59

willstarttomorrow · 01/05/2023 20:50

This thread is depressing in that so many posters are so judgemental, quick to tell the OP what a bad parent she is and offer no practical advice. As a CP social worker of far too many years- all parents have a breaking point. Every parent has lost it with their child, it usually is not be physical, lots get a bit too drunk when caring for their kids etc. We just do not know about it. OP has over stepped the mark, she knows that. Comparing her to a 'wife beater' or saying that of it was a man frankly shows ignorance.

What OP has done is not okay. She knows that. If her child says something in school then it will probably result in a social work assessment which will most likely close if it is a one off and there are no other concerns. As a social worker I would undertake a couple of direct work sessions during the assessment around managing behaviour, although I am under increasing pressure to do one visit and close these days. This is because as a social work team we have gone from 10 to 6. We cover from assessment to end of proceedings so do not assess and pass on. The area we cover has also been changed from locality based to covering a huge area of our city (one in four duty rota) because they disbanded a team. And post covid and due to government cuts support services no longer exist. Reality of working with the most vulnerable in our society.

I just struggle to see how this was something that pushed the OP to breaking point? If the dd had been playing up all day and being a brat then I could understand losing it, but it sounds like they had a lovely day and I can’t understand how her earrings being taken out would have caused such an angry reaction. The op says money but that money had already been spent and if she couldn’t afford them to be re pierced again then just don’t get them re pierced. What if the DD had decided herself that she wanted them out? Would that not be allowed and the child shouted at and pinched with the op trying to force them back in?

All those saying it’s ok because the OP apologised, you do realise most abusers do this right?

DontMakeMeShushYou · 01/05/2023 21:01

micpop · 01/05/2023 20:30

To be absolutely honest I am on the verge of reporting myself to the police to let them decide how to handle this. I can't stop crying. Daughter is brushing her teeth getting ready to go up and seems fine. I feel horrendous and have told her she can discuss this with whoever she wants to if she needs to speak about this. I just need to take whatever punishment.

You've apologised. Your daughter has accepted you apology. Continuing to dwell on this is not going to help anyone, least of all your daughter.

Please hide this thread now. Continuing to read posts which are, frankly, abusive in nature is not going to help you or your daughter. You know you did the wrong thing this afternoon, you've started to do what you can to make amends, and there is no need for you to continue to read posts that vilify you.

And to those posters continuing to vilify the OP, you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. Take a moment to remember Caroline Flack. Nasty words on an internet forum are not in any way supportive of the OP's daughter. You don't care about her, you simply care about bullying one of the two people she loves most in the world. Shame on you.

BSB30 · 01/05/2023 21:01

micpop · 01/05/2023 20:30

To be absolutely honest I am on the verge of reporting myself to the police to let them decide how to handle this. I can't stop crying. Daughter is brushing her teeth getting ready to go up and seems fine. I feel horrendous and have told her she can discuss this with whoever she wants to if she needs to speak about this. I just need to take whatever punishment.

I honestly wouldn't do that, it would likely just upset your daughter more.

Sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning.

3WildOnes · 01/05/2023 21:01

ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff · 01/05/2023 20:52

She was being a brat and you saw red.

I think anyone who says they wouldn't of lost their nerve here is lying.

Really? This seems like a very minor thing to see red over. He daughter didn't hit her, swear at her, verbally abuse her, etc. I could understand slapping (and then regretting) if their had been some provocation but in this scenario it seems the mum was the one who was acting the 'brat'. The daughter was just upset when she was punished unjustly.

Justhereforthebotox · 01/05/2023 21:02

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 01/05/2023 20:15

Genuine question, if a man did the same to his partner while she was having a go at him, say for not doing the washing up during the 100th time for example, if he pinched and slapped her because he reached boiling point with her yelling, would you still say that it's a one off and it's ok?

Would you say that if it was your partner who pinched and slapped you?

Show quote history

Genuinely, if it were a one off, yes, I would not call him an abuser. The moniker ‘abuser’ or ‘wife beater’, implies more than a one off slap on the thigh. It’s a mistake that hopefully, if the perpetrator feels bad like the OP does, will not be repeated.

lailamaria · 01/05/2023 21:03

telling her mum that she was overreacting after being assaulted once and then being assaulted a further two times is not being a brat it's the truth her mum was physically hurting her by trying to shove earrings into her raw ears just because she couldn't let it go, the poor girl was just doing what she was told, honestly what op did was unacceptable i don't care whether she was 'pushed' the pinch then the hit was calculated, and even if she was having low blood sugar her actions still would be unacceptable, her daughter is going to remember this

AuntieJune · 01/05/2023 21:03

I'm pretty sure that with a counsellor you'd unpick what made you snap in ten mins.

Probably to do with her seemingly not caring about your sacrifices (personal and financial) for her - as a single mother maybe you're under financial pressure but found money to let her have her ears pierced, then were understanding when she needed it again, then to face having to do it again seemed like she took your spending the money on it for granted and is treating you like a bottomless pit.

Sometimes one small event can tap into a stream of anger or resentment we've been trying to keep down and results in an outburst like this. Maybe you go without so she can have things, but you think she doesn't appreciate it? Or you work hard to give her more than your mother gave you and not resent it, but it's hard if she doesn't seem to appreciate what you do?

Maybe you thought it was nice for her to spend time with her friends but really you felt a bit lonely and you're worried that she's moving away from you and doesn't need you as much, but still wants ever more money?

There'll be something if you think of it, and understanding what led to you snapping can help you prevent it from happening again.

depre · 01/05/2023 21:03

It's easy to see why so many women are in abusive relationships anyway

thedancingbear · 01/05/2023 21:03

DontMakeMeShushYou · 01/05/2023 21:01

You've apologised. Your daughter has accepted you apology. Continuing to dwell on this is not going to help anyone, least of all your daughter.

Please hide this thread now. Continuing to read posts which are, frankly, abusive in nature is not going to help you or your daughter. You know you did the wrong thing this afternoon, you've started to do what you can to make amends, and there is no need for you to continue to read posts that vilify you.

And to those posters continuing to vilify the OP, you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. Take a moment to remember Caroline Flack. Nasty words on an internet forum are not in any way supportive of the OP's daughter. You don't care about her, you simply care about bullying one of the two people she loves most in the world. Shame on you.

Show quote history

The posts you’re shouting down aren’t mainly aimed at the OP. They’re directed at the apologists for DV who think that slapping and pinching your kids is not a big deal. The OP has acknowledged that it is.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/05/2023 21:04

I can’t work out what she did that was so annoying and pushed you? And why are pp saying she was being a brat? Someone else told her to take them out and you couldn’t get them back in.

MUMTO2DS1DD · 01/05/2023 21:04

I’m surprised posters are being supportive, if her father posted this, he’d be called a violent and verbally abusive man. It’s not ok OP and it’s good you recognise this. You need to apologise and if you struggle to regulate your emotions and actions due to your upbringing, you need to seek help, to prevent a repeat of your own upbringing.

CherryPiee · 01/05/2023 21:05

I think the main thing to get to the bottom of is the why - why did something that was pretty minor trigger you so much?

Do you have money worries?

My mum smacked me when I was about 6/7 and she still cries about it to this day. She never done it again because she felt so guilty after - she just saw red and the trigger was money. I spilt paint all over a brand new duvet she had brought me and we weren't exactly well off.

Hopefully, how you feel now, will prevent you from ever doing this again.

I don't hate my mum for that smack btw.

Chasingadvice · 01/05/2023 21:05

When your husband swears, pinches and slaps you it's abuse.

When it's a child-it's just parenting.

Sick.

doadeer · 01/05/2023 21:05

I really think you're being very hard on yourself. I'm sure my mum gave me the odd slap and we have an amazing relationship she's one of my best friends.

Put it behind you now and have a lovely time with your daughter.

depre · 01/05/2023 21:05

And to those posters continuing to vilify the OP, you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. Take a moment to remember Caroline Flack.

Not gonna lie, my concern will always be the 10 year old.

This 'Caroline Flack' line is just garbage.

BadNomad · 01/05/2023 21:06

To be absolutely honest I am on the verge of reporting myself to the police to let them decide how to handle this.

I can see why your daughter thinks you can be overdramatic. What do you think going to the police will do to your daughter? She's the one who got hurt, but you're making this all about you and your feelings. You need to calm down and stop catastrophising everything. Your daughter is fine this time. You need to figure out what made you do what you did. Because what you did had nothing to do with your daughter.

Unsure33 · 01/05/2023 21:06

I think I must be the odd one out here . Our dad smacked us , very occasionally if we were deliberately naughty . So perhaps 5 or 6 times before we were teens ? I never held it against him , still loved him . Don’t remember much pain or anything like that . Do remember if he started to count to 5 we would stop what we were doing . I totally understand things have changed for the better and I can only remember smacking my own children twice when they were doing something that put them in danger . You say sorry , and move on . I am sure by your words it’s a one off and won’t happen again and you are genuinely mortified .

Royalbloo · 01/05/2023 21:06

DontMakeMeShushYou

I care enough that I wouldn't ever pinch or slap her.

And as for the Caroline Flack reference, WTAF? Nuts.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 01/05/2023 21:06

thedancingbear · 01/05/2023 21:03

The posts you’re shouting down aren’t mainly aimed at the OP. They’re directed at the apologists for DV who think that slapping and pinching your kids is not a big deal. The OP has acknowledged that it is.

Show quote history

Thank you for your input, but I'm well aware of the posts I'm "shouting down", which are the ones which continue to be abusive in nature towards the OP. Do let me know next time you can read my mind though.

depre · 01/05/2023 21:06

@Unsure33

I think I must be the odd one out here . Our dad smacked us , very occasionally if we were deliberately naughty

She wasn't naughty

Chasingadvice · 01/05/2023 21:07

Pinching is so weird too.

GoodChat · 01/05/2023 21:07

Unsure33 · 01/05/2023 21:06

I think I must be the odd one out here . Our dad smacked us , very occasionally if we were deliberately naughty . So perhaps 5 or 6 times before we were teens ? I never held it against him , still loved him . Don’t remember much pain or anything like that . Do remember if he started to count to 5 we would stop what we were doing . I totally understand things have changed for the better and I can only remember smacking my own children twice when they were doing something that put them in danger . You say sorry , and move on . I am sure by your words it’s a one off and won’t happen again and you are genuinely mortified .

You said he smacked you when you were deliberately naughty, and I'm assuming that's what you did to. That's not the case here, even if that was justification, which it's not.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread