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Original poster

I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

486 replies

micpop · 01/05/2023 18:37

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
IchVersteheNicht · 01/05/2023 21:27

bumgripes · 01/05/2023 20:31

@SeeYaPals I’m not saying she deserves to be hit. I’m saying a loving mum losing her rag ONCE does not deserve to be pilloried in the most unforgiving terms for child abuse. Hitting may technically be abusive but what earthly use are all these deranged people in the comments screaming and swearing (at least in the case of @IchVersteheNicht ) and calling her a monster? None of you actually care about the issue at hand. If you cared you would not be making ludicrous outsize accusations that convince no-one. You just want to be sadistic to a stranger on an anonymous message board. It’s obvious to everyone.

Would it be sadistic for your husband / partner to slap, lunch and swede at you?

Give over. Stop validating child abuse. That's exactly what it is, child abuse.

Inkpotlover · 01/05/2023 21:28

Pebstk · 01/05/2023 21:26

i dint think it was great behaviour and said OP should apologise. But in the real world people don’t act perfectly all the time - parents are often exhausted, over worked and under extreme stress. Kids are often difficult, awkward and rude placing untold demands on their parent. People have a breaking point. We are talking a slap on the leg not any significant level of abuse. Just apologise OP and move on.

Stop minimising. She pinched her, slapped her, swore at her - all after trying to force the earrings back in, causing her DD extreme pain – then she dropped her off alone at the house while she drove around for 10 mins and on returning didn't talk to her DD immediately. Add that together and that IS significant abusive behaviour.

didntyou · 01/05/2023 21:29

This reply has been deleted

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AuntieJune · 01/05/2023 21:30

IchVersteheNicht · 01/05/2023 21:21

To all the women on here playing this down, if your husband slapped, pinched and swore at you, would you leave? Or would it be put down to 'not being ideal but it was his breaking point.'

Stop being so fucking contradicting.

The difference is that husbands can be divorced. You only have one set of parents. You can leave a husband and be fine. You can't leave a kid and be fine. It's not the same thing.

Justhereforthebotox · 01/05/2023 21:31

elm26 · 01/05/2023 21:26

@AllOfThemWitches so now it's okay because the child can't leave?

I hope her Dad finds out about it then goes for full custody. My DH wouldn't know what had hit him if I found out he'd done this to our DD.

Yeah, that’s really in the best interest of the child. Take her away, in a messy custody battle, from a mum who clearly loves her and is mortified by what she’s done, has already apologised and will take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Bloody glad you were never around to give my mum advice.

clouise26 · 01/05/2023 21:31

Wow so much hate for a parent that snapped. I’m not condoning it, but I was smacked as a child and I love my parents/never blamed them/not emotionally scarred! We’ve all reached our limits at times. One of the earliest posters was right, you shouldn’t have posted on here. You won’t get sympathy, you’ll be vilified. Life is hard. I’m a qualified counsellor and this parent reached out on here for support. Unfortunately this isn’t a supportive forum, it’s somewhere that people can judge others from the comfort of their own sparkly clean lives.

gettingoldisshit · 01/05/2023 21:32

@didntyou I don't think its op that's the bully, you are! She knew she did wrong and asked for advice! Do you get a kick out of being a spiteful bitch?

AllOfThemWitches · 01/05/2023 21:32

elm26 · 01/05/2023 21:26

@AllOfThemWitches so now it's okay because the child can't leave?

I hope her Dad finds out about it then goes for full custody. My DH wouldn't know what had hit him if I found out he'd done this to our DD.

So, in your opinion, the child should be removed from her mother for this?

Mischance · 01/05/2023 21:32

mbosnz · 01/05/2023 18:44

Well, as a mother of an 17 year old, and a 19 year old, I can tell you that what you did was not ideal. And they will remember it. And you will too. And you will pay, and pay, and pay, for being less than ideal.

I suggest you apologise, because what you did is not okay. However, how she behaved is not okay, either. Especially saying that you are being 'overdramatic'. The difference is, you are the adult.

Blimey! - that's pretty OTT!

I once smacked my DD when she was about 8. She is now in her 40s and when I mentioned it she could not even remember it! We get on brilliantly.

First of all I think you should just forget about earrings and ear piercings - just say no to it. It is not an essential in life and she can do it when she is 18 if she wants to. If she was told to take them out, I guess she had no choice - but if she hasn't got them at all the problem need not arise ever again.

Your reaction to her was a huge overreaction - she explained it was not her fault, you tried to put them back in and it was not possible - then everything seems to have blown up for no apparent reason, and she received several punishments (apart from the slap) for what? She could see you were overreacting to a small thing and said so. I am not surprised she was crying and confused.

To her it was a simple thing; to you it was something more: irritation that the earring thing has failed twice; thoughts about the cost etc.

She will get over it, as will you, but I am sure you will think through what happened and use it as a way of moving forward and preventing the same thing happening again. Something clearly triggered your reaction and it is worth trying to analyse that. What was it that stopped you being a rational parent at that moment? Do you have money worries?

Life will move on and neither of you will be scarred for life - but you know it was not ideal, which gives you a knowledge base (of yourself) to move forward.

Original poster
micpop · 01/05/2023 21:32

I'm trying to figure out why it triggered me so much. I think it was her, 'oh it's not a big deal' attitude when I had went without to get the money to get these pierced for her after she had begged and begged. Then turning round and saying that she didn't want her ears pierced it just seemed...pointless.

Also having issues with her being respectful and appreciative of stuff given/bought for her. She doesn't take care of things and is just really unappreciative. She rarely says thank you, just expects.

I'm on a full time placement 5 days a week (training to be a social worker would you believe 😩) and then I'm working 3 late nights on top of that. I enjoy being busy but I am stretched thin so maybe that's to do with it. Although I don't understand as I'm just off a two week break and then was a bank holiday this week.

This is not excusing it, I'm just answering people's questions about what might of triggered it.

In my own childhood I was proper battered by my mum and have many memories of thinking 'this is it, she's actually going to kill me this time'. And I just vowed to never be that.

I've struggled with my temper all my life but I have really managed to suppress it and control it with my daughter...until today.

OP posts:
Jourdain11 · 01/05/2023 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She's posting to ask for advice. You're being horrible yourself. Swearing at people on the internet and calling them names!

Inkpotlover · 01/05/2023 21:35

micpop · 01/05/2023 21:32

I'm trying to figure out why it triggered me so much. I think it was her, 'oh it's not a big deal' attitude when I had went without to get the money to get these pierced for her after she had begged and begged. Then turning round and saying that she didn't want her ears pierced it just seemed...pointless.

Also having issues with her being respectful and appreciative of stuff given/bought for her. She doesn't take care of things and is just really unappreciative. She rarely says thank you, just expects.

I'm on a full time placement 5 days a week (training to be a social worker would you believe 😩) and then I'm working 3 late nights on top of that. I enjoy being busy but I am stretched thin so maybe that's to do with it. Although I don't understand as I'm just off a two week break and then was a bank holiday this week.

This is not excusing it, I'm just answering people's questions about what might of triggered it.

In my own childhood I was proper battered by my mum and have many memories of thinking 'this is it, she's actually going to kill me this time'. And I just vowed to never be that.

I've struggled with my temper all my life but I have really managed to suppress it and control it with my daughter...until today.

You need to take steps now to break the cycle of violence because as the mum of a DD13 I can tell you the backchat and attitude and not giving a shit about their belongings gets worse as they get older and you will clash again and you need to know you're not going to hit her again like your mum repeatedly hit you.

Original poster
micpop · 01/05/2023 21:36

FairyUpLiquid · 01/05/2023 21:25

You know your behaviour was absolutely unacceptable to the highest order. You’re 29 and have completely focused on the wrong things. Your child’s well-being should always come before money! You can’t expect a child look after an ear piercing that’s an adult responsibility. If you’ve had them done with a gun which I expect you have then this is one hundred million per cent your fault. Piercings done with a gun are damaging to your child’s ear because it’s forcing a blunt stud through her ear instead of being done with a hollow needle and removing the skin needed for the stud to sit and heal properly. It’s not a wonder you couldn’t get them back in. It’s also extremely unhygienic because guns can’t be properly sterilised so it’s also not a wonder they got infected the first time. Before committing to any more ear piercings read up on getting her ears properly pierced with a needle and stop blaming your child for not doing your research. Which is the whole reason you got angry with her in the first place. She’s not a fashion accessory, she’s a human being with feelings. You wasted your money there, not her. You caused her unnecessary pain and punished her for it. That’s without spitefully pinching her and slapping her because you lost your control. You feel like shit, so you should but we all make mistakes and she will forgive you. Don’t let it happen again. You need to invest in proper coping mechanisms to deal with your frustrations. Behaving like this gives young mothers a bad reputation, be better.

Her ears were pierced with a needle in a tattoo and piercing shop.

OP posts:
firsttimemum1230 · 01/05/2023 21:36

Don’t report yourself to anyone it was one mistake to never be repeated. You have to learn from this and just constantly reassure her and when she is next behaving this way you have to do everything different. As for her ears it does hurt to get them back in but maybe try when calmed down and if you can’t just don’t get them done again. I had mine done several times and I’m sat here today without one bit of jewellery on because it’s not me! Tonight will pass but it is on you now to heal you and your daughter and show her the next time things go this way that she will not be physically hurt for it:
my mum used to hit me and I’ve never forgotten it

Jourdain11 · 01/05/2023 21:37

AllOfThemWitches · 01/05/2023 21:32

So, in your opinion, the child should be removed from her mother for this?

Show quote history

Yeah, it's amazing how extreme people are. Of course it was really poor, but it's important now to make space to talk about it, make sure it doesn't ever happen again and ultimately move on.

It's hilarious that anyone imagines SS would remove a child for this. Assuming there are no previous concerns, you have no concept of what the threshold is!

And those who are crying "fucking bully" are IMO pretty much bullies themselves...

Bubblesoffun · 01/05/2023 21:37

elm26 · 01/05/2023 18:50

So you pinched your child? Smacked her? Then swore at her? And all of the previous replies are giving you sympathy. If somebody had posted that a male had done the same to his child, it would be "LTB", "unforgivable", "assault", "a danger to children" etc etc.

FWIW, you should feel bad, you've physically assaulted your child.

Exactly.

NeedToChangeName · 01/05/2023 21:37

batsandeggs · 01/05/2023 18:56

I wouldn’t send her anywhere. You both really need to reconnect and speak openly about this. I would start the conversation with a simply sorry. Explains that yes you saw red, you overreacted and you should not have pinched / slapped her. Acknowledge that no matter how upset you are hitting isn’t ok. She’ll remember this but she’ll also remember your response.

when you’re apologising, it’s also an opportunity to open it up and talk about her feelings. I wouldn’t recommending saying something like “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have acted that way, but…” and turning the conversation about her behaviour. There’s a time and place for that, and it absolutely should be discussed, but for the here and now just own what you did, apologise, and cuddle your girl.

This is wise advice from @batsandeggs

I'm quite taken aback by posters saying "she pushed your buttons, it's not too bad". No one would say that to a man who admitted to assaulting his partner....

This is serious. And it's a big deal. And your DD probably will remember it. But, a fulsome and sincere apology that it's never ok to hit a child and you should have handled this differently will go some way towards repairing the damage

Snugglemonkey · 01/05/2023 21:38

micpop · 01/05/2023 20:30

To be absolutely honest I am on the verge of reporting myself to the police to let them decide how to handle this. I can't stop crying. Daughter is brushing her teeth getting ready to go up and seems fine. I feel horrendous and have told her she can discuss this with whoever she wants to if she needs to speak about this. I just need to take whatever punishment.

It should not be about punishment. You are not a terrible person, but this came from somewhere. Nit from her behaviour, she behaved like you would expect a child to in the circumstances, but from you somewhere.

I agree with pp, this hit buttons for you. It has brought something to the fore and if I were you, I would explore that. It safeguards your child, but it also releases any residual pain in you. You both deserve that. That is why I suggested therapy.

Twatalert · 01/05/2023 21:39

@micpop you say you usually suppress your anger. That's not good for you, you got to have another, healthier, way of dealing with your anger. It sounds like it had actually been building up as you say your daughter has a pattern of not valuing things. There are therapist that could help you explore ways to not suppress your anger.

BadNomad · 01/05/2023 21:39

I think it was her, 'oh it's not a big deal' attitude when I had went without to get the money to get these pierced for her after she had begged and begged.

She's a child. She's not supposed to know these things. She's not supposed to know the sacrifices you make for her. It's actually a sign of good parenting that you have protected her from these things, because she's not supposed to feel guilty for your money issues. You see her as being unappreciative, but she's not. She's just being a normal innocent child.

Nomad12 · 01/05/2023 21:39

Christ! To all the posters saying that pinching, slapping, pushing earrings in causing the child to scream, and withdrawing privileges towards a child for something that is clearly not their fault, is doing the above okay towards an adult?

Royalbloo · 01/05/2023 21:39

If my ex did this he'd be in court asap

BadNomad · 01/05/2023 21:40

Children aren't supposed to feel grateful for being treated well.

Mischance · 01/05/2023 21:40

I was a social worker - it is a massively stressful job and I would not see it as compatible with being as single parent.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 01/05/2023 21:41

I'm sorry but that's terrible.

Pinching and slapping. It wasn't just a quick reaction and you hit out. You pinched AND then slapped her. You wanted to hurt her.

Girls ( and boys ) have to take their jewellery out for dance. You should have spoken to the dance teacher prior and told her she couldn't take them out and covered them with plasters.

You're the adult here and you've reacted to something that was probably out of her control.

Being a brat and at your wits end doesn't excuse this.

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