I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

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I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

Sorry but yes ywbu.you didn't listen to her,she was told to take her earrings out it was too painful to put them in,she got upset and you punished her by withholding a treat.
She,understandably,gets upset and you physically abuse her.
Then excuse yourself by saying your mum hit you?
I'm sorry you were abused by your mum.
But this is now and a very honest conversation with your dd is your best bet.
I hope you can sort things out between you...but why did it all happen? What's really wrong op? Be kind to yourself and take it easy tonight,tomorrow is a bright new day.🌈

OP was annoyed and said no to McDonalds, queue more screaming and crying from her DD. Her DD went on and on. It was heated, OP snapped.

Not ideal, but it’s done now.

Just offering by RLE - similar thing happened to me and I really don’t blame my Mum or hold it against her.

Oh, so it's ok if it isn't a celebrity.

I think I've got the measure of you now, Thank you!

@Museya15 What do you mean?

This is a great post. No one's perfect. You made a mistake OP and you've owned it and can now work on why it happened and prevent it from happening again.

It's not ever ok to respond with violence no matter how big her tantrum was.

OP stop beating yourself up. You know it was bad, you have apologized, just move on. This wasn’t only about the earrings, it was the prolonged whinging and whining in the car. That would drive most sane parents to distraction.

OP also needs to apologise for telling her daughter to get inside the house and then driving off and leaving her for ten minutes. She must've been distraught and you are right to feel awful about it. I also hope OP can restrain herself next time, because as a teenager she is going to stand up for herself and OP can't attack her every time she doesn't like what she says.

It sounds like your physically aggressive response came from her telling you that you were being "overdramatic" (which you probably were) but actually it's obvious you were already enraged by what had happened, which wasn't actually her fault, which is why she probably referred to you as being overdramatic. She was probably meaning to say that it wasn't her fault, you were blaming her for something she was made to do, and taking your anger out on her would have seemed overdramatic, as it was just one of those things where she couldn't have done right from wrong. Her only other option would have been to cause drama at her dance class, which she obviously didn't want to do.

My mum did something similar when I was young, I remember being so shocked and hurt because I didn't even think I deserved it. It only happened that one time.

The good news is that it did not damage our relationship and now as adults she is my best friend.

Go in and apologise OP, it is clear you love your child and snapped. Don't send her away, she will want reassurance from you that it will be ok.

She was told to take her earrings out so she did that. She didn't do anything wrong. Then you inflicted quite a lot of pain on her by trying to force them back into a wound. Who wouldn't be upset and throw a tantrum. I would do the same.

To all the women on here playing this down, if your husband slapped, pinched and swore at you, would you leave? Or would it be put down to 'not being ideal but it was his breaking point.'

Stop being so fucking contradicting.

My replies would remain the same.

OP, it's a shit day for both of you. If I could advise you not to send her to her dad's tonight pls as she might feel abandoned after what happened and this could stick with her more than the actual slap.

You can move past this. It is important that you don't brush it under the carpet but apologize. Tell her you should have taken a moment to think about how to react and that it wasn't acceptable to hit her. Make this a separate conversation to the one about her behaviour.

I don't agree with ppl saying she was a brat etc. I agree with ppl saying your daughter was physically assaulted and you should try and see it as that, not to make you feel even worse but admit it to yourself so it's less likely to happen again. The severity has to sink in and it probably has already. That's the only way I believe you can both move on from this because your daughter will absolutely know whether or not you are truly sorry.

Take some time to reflect also why it might have happened as it's so not typical of you.

They will reply and tell you it's not the same thing.

Except it is and it should never be excused.

dontmakemeshushyou

Beautifully thought out reply! Haha!

In all honesty if you did this to a cat the RSPCA would be called and people have been prosecuted for such behaviour. I don't understand why ANYONE would think this is an ok way to treat your own child. But I'll leave it there, as we always have to "be kind" - even to those who are clearly, very definitely, confused about how to treat other humans.....madness!

I was hit as a child too. I was also a quiet and well behaved child and was frequently hit by my mother when she was frustrated about something. I didn't respect her or ever forgive her for it.

But it doesn't sound like op's daughter has had that experience. Not only has it been once, but op knows what she has done is wrong and from the sounds of it, she's shocked and upset herself too much to ever do it again.

Does that make it ok? No. But comparing it to parents who do this routinely without a second thought isn't right either.

Their kids might be on the stately homes thread in a few years.

Sooo, if you'd advise a woman whose husband hurt her to leave, what do you advise in OP's situation? That she put her daughter up for adoption?

When you say you told her to get in the house and then had to drive away because you were so angry, was she going into an empty house alone? If so, just imagine how that felt to her. Her mum drives away, she's no idea if/when you'll return. She knows you're furious with her but she doesn't understand why ( she rightly knows she did nothing wrong). I'm really hoping I've misunderstood that, because otherwise that is so very cruel.

You're right. It is the same and should never be excused.

I'm still of the opinion that repeatedly bullying the adult in this situation isn't going to make this situation for the 10 year old any better and may well make it far worse. What the OP needs is well-thought out constructive advice in how to ensure this never happens again.

You know your behaviour was absolutely unacceptable to the highest order. You’re 29 and have completely focused on the wrong things. Your child’s well-being should always come before money! You can’t expect a child look after an ear piercing that’s an adult responsibility. If you’ve had them done with a gun which I expect you have then this is one hundred million per cent your fault. Piercings done with a gun are damaging to your child’s ear because it’s forcing a blunt stud through her ear instead of being done with a hollow needle and removing the skin needed for the stud to sit and heal properly. It’s not a wonder you couldn’t get them back in. It’s also extremely unhygienic because guns can’t be properly sterilised so it’s also not a wonder they got infected the first time. Before committing to any more ear piercings read up on getting her ears properly pierced with a needle and stop blaming your child for not doing your research. Which is the whole reason you got angry with her in the first place. She’s not a fashion accessory, she’s a human being with feelings. You wasted your money there, not her. You caused her unnecessary pain and punished her for it. That’s without spitefully pinching her and slapping her because you lost your control. You feel like shit, so you should but we all make mistakes and she will forgive you. Don’t let it happen again. You need to invest in proper coping mechanisms to deal with your frustrations. Behaving like this gives young mothers a bad reputation, be better.

At age 10 she is too young to look after newly pierced ears herself. That is your responsibility.
Secondly, it's wasn't her fault if she was asked by another adult in charge to remove them.
Thirdly, why punish her with no McDonalds after punishing her by sticking the earrings in?
Then again punishing her with no TV etc.
Apologise to her. Tell her you understand it wasn't her fault and you were wrong and PLEASE get counseling so this never happens again.

@AllOfThemWitches so now it's okay because the child can't leave?

I hope her Dad finds out about it then goes for full custody. My DH wouldn't know what had hit him if I found out he'd done this to our DD.

i dint think it was great behaviour and said OP should apologise. But in the real world people don’t act perfectly all the time - parents are often exhausted, over worked and under extreme stress. Kids are often difficult, awkward and rude placing untold demands on their parent. People have a breaking point. We are talking a slap on the leg not any significant level of abuse. Just apologise OP and move on.