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Original poster

I'm an awful mum - I hit my ten year old

486 replies

micpop · 01/05/2023 18:37

I have name changed for obvious reasons. I don't know what happened, I'm usually a very calm and relaxed mum - I very rarely even raise my voice.

Today my ten year old daughter had three of her friends over and I took them to the park and then the shop to get some sweets and then they were outside in the back garden playing and running around. It was a nice day actually and I haven't been feeling stressed or anything.

Tonight I picked my daughter up from dancing and she didn't have her earrings in. Now she has had her ears pierced twice, each time she has begged and promised she will look after them. The first time she didn't and they got infected, this time she has looked after them well but knows it's too early to take them out. She has never taken them out at dancing before but apparently today she was told to take them out.

In the car I tried to put them back in but they were already scabbed over at the back and she was screaming and crying whilst I was trying to get them back in. She said she didn't want her ears pierced anyway and was screaming saying it hurts so I gave up.

I was fuming because I don't have extra money to just keep spending on ear piercing and this is now the second time this has happened. In the car I just stayed quiet but I said that I wasn't taking her to McDonald's as usual after dancing due to this. She then started screaming and crying again.

When we were nearly home she kept saying, 'it's not my fault, it's not my fault' she then said to me, 'you're just being over dramatic' and that's when I just saw red. I pinched her bare leg and then slapped it. I told her to get in the house for a bath and no tv tonight.

I then had to drive away for ten minutes as I was so so angry.

I am back in the house and we haven't spoken. I am still so upset about the earrings but more so the way I behaved. I really lost my self control and I'm now worried I have scarred her in some way.

My mum used to hit me all the time and it's resulted in a lot of trauma and I vowed to never be this way. I also swore at her as well.

I feel so awful and don't want to approach her yet as I don't even know how to make an amends with this. Can this be forgiven? Should I call her dad and ask if she can stay with him tonight? Is this something we can move past? Will this fuck her up?

I am so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 01/05/2023 21:07

ModestMoon · 01/05/2023 20:56

All the people saying it's terrible and unforgettable - what do you think the OP should do, put her daughter into care?

She's admitted that what she did was unacceptable and sought to make amends. Of course you shouldn't pinch and slap a child, the OP knows that. That's why she's upset. Just make sure it never ever happens again OP and I think you'll be ok.

This

Royalbloo · 01/05/2023 21:08

depre 100% - she did as she was told to, by and adult. Maybe because she's too scared of the adults in her like to question what she's told to do...?

Inkpotlover · 01/05/2023 21:08

willstarttomorrow · 01/05/2023 20:50

This thread is depressing in that so many posters are so judgemental, quick to tell the OP what a bad parent she is and offer no practical advice. As a CP social worker of far too many years- all parents have a breaking point. Every parent has lost it with their child, it usually is not be physical, lots get a bit too drunk when caring for their kids etc. We just do not know about it. OP has over stepped the mark, she knows that. Comparing her to a 'wife beater' or saying that of it was a man frankly shows ignorance.

What OP has done is not okay. She knows that. If her child says something in school then it will probably result in a social work assessment which will most likely close if it is a one off and there are no other concerns. As a social worker I would undertake a couple of direct work sessions during the assessment around managing behaviour, although I am under increasing pressure to do one visit and close these days. This is because as a social work team we have gone from 10 to 6. We cover from assessment to end of proceedings so do not assess and pass on. The area we cover has also been changed from locality based to covering a huge area of our city (one in four duty rota) because they disbanded a team. And post covid and due to government cuts support services no longer exist. Reality of working with the most vulnerable in our society.

I think it's more depressing that posters are saying her daughter was being a brat so OP shouldn't blame herself, implying the pinching and slapping was justified. Plus, what breaking point? OP said she was in a good place, there was no build-up, she just lost her shit for no good reason.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 01/05/2023 21:08

BadNomad · 01/05/2023 21:06

To be absolutely honest I am on the verge of reporting myself to the police to let them decide how to handle this.

I can see why your daughter thinks you can be overdramatic. What do you think going to the police will do to your daughter? She's the one who got hurt, but you're making this all about you and your feelings. You need to calm down and stop catastrophising everything. Your daughter is fine this time. You need to figure out what made you do what you did. Because what you did had nothing to do with your daughter.

Yeah, I agree with this.

Unsure33 · 01/05/2023 21:08

BadNomad · 01/05/2023 21:06

To be absolutely honest I am on the verge of reporting myself to the police to let them decide how to handle this.

I can see why your daughter thinks you can be overdramatic. What do you think going to the police will do to your daughter? She's the one who got hurt, but you're making this all about you and your feelings. You need to calm down and stop catastrophising everything. Your daughter is fine this time. You need to figure out what made you do what you did. Because what you did had nothing to do with your daughter.

Exactly.

Chasingadvice · 01/05/2023 21:09

This reply has been deleted

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Spanky123 · 01/05/2023 21:09

If this was a man some of the replies would be wildly different.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 01/05/2023 21:09

Apologise now.
you did over react and it wasn’t her fault.
she was crying because it was hurting her
Can’t believe some people on here justifying hurting a child.
get a grip

AuntieJune · 01/05/2023 21:10

thedancingbear · 01/05/2023 21:03

The posts you’re shouting down aren’t mainly aimed at the OP. They’re directed at the apologists for DV who think that slapping and pinching your kids is not a big deal. The OP has acknowledged that it is.

Show quote history

I don't think anyone is saying it's fine to hit your kids.

Just that separating from a partner is different to removing yourself from your kid's life. LTB is good advice for someone in an abusive relationship, give up your kids is probably good advice for someone who routinely belittles or beats their kids, but in a situation where someone has snapped once, a LTB approach would cause untold unnecessary suffering, far more than the incident itself. So recognising it was wrong, working out why it happened and trying to prevent it happening again is a better approach.

RedTulipsSpring · 01/05/2023 21:10

OP - just want to offer an alternative view. My Mum didn’t hit us, she was principally against it. Her mother was quite abusive.

When I was about 12 I being really rude and goading her. She saw red and slapped me. I was shocked, she was so upset and begged for forgiveness. To this day I’m really not fussed and don’t blame her. I was being awful and she really shouldn’t have had to apologise and feel so bad. I should have apologised for my shitty behaviour that drove her to it. She said she has always regretted it and it just doesn’t stand out as anything terrible to me!

Move on. Your daughter will.

FairAcre · 01/05/2023 21:11

elm26 · 01/05/2023 18:50

So you pinched your child? Smacked her? Then swore at her? And all of the previous replies are giving you sympathy. If somebody had posted that a male had done the same to his child, it would be "LTB", "unforgivable", "assault", "a danger to children" etc etc.

FWIW, you should feel bad, you've physically assaulted your child.

Oh for Goodness sake’s. What a dramatic over reaction. I’m pretty sure most parents have lost it at one time or another with a child. The op feels bad enough without making her feel worse.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 01/05/2023 21:12

OP, I'm 34 and have a great relationship with my parents.

When I was about 10 i was being a brat and my mum snapped and whacked me over the head with a paddle brush. To this day she still feels awful about it, she can't believe it happened, the bruising and swelling was really heavy. It was a solid lesson for me to not push people too far.

The memory will always be there, but your relationship can recover, my mum is honestly fantastic, she just broke that day.

Royalbloo · 01/05/2023 21:12

Also, please take this inside yourself and don't ask her over and over to accept your apology or see how awful you feel, this is a learning for YOU. Say sorry then deal with it on your own, or with external help.

Don't ask her to help you fix it.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 01/05/2023 21:12

Royalbloo · 01/05/2023 21:06

DontMakeMeShushYou

I care enough that I wouldn't ever pinch or slap her.

And as for the Caroline Flack reference, WTAF? Nuts.

I guess sometimes it's inconvenient to be reminded that online bullying can lead to catastrophic conclusions.

matisses6fingers · 01/05/2023 21:12

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how do you know I haven’t been? We don’t all come on here guns blazing. Nothing is black and white and people do things of which they’re deeply ashamed. I suppose it’s about recognising that and trying to atone or make amends.

im not saying what this lady did wasn’t wrong but what is she meant to do? Seriously, what do you suggest she does?

ShowUs · 01/05/2023 21:13

Chasingadvice · 01/05/2023 21:05

When your husband swears, pinches and slaps you it's abuse.

When it's a child-it's just parenting.

Sick.

Yep!

And what’s worse is that when a man is doing it to a grown woman she is aware that it’s not right and is able to leave.
A child does not have this option.

If I did a Claire’s law and it came up that a man I was dating was violent towards his ex or child, I wouldn’t go anywhere near him.

I think there needs to be some sort of test and some people should not be allowed near children or animals.

Some of the replies on here are vile - I’ve lost count of how many posters have called the child a brat even though she didn’t do anything wrong apart from take her earrings out and cry.

Their children must have horrendous home lives and I just hope SS are aware.

Tandora · 01/05/2023 21:13

RedTulipsSpring · 01/05/2023 21:10

OP - just want to offer an alternative view. My Mum didn’t hit us, she was principally against it. Her mother was quite abusive.

When I was about 12 I being really rude and goading her. She saw red and slapped me. I was shocked, she was so upset and begged for forgiveness. To this day I’m really not fussed and don’t blame her. I was being awful and she really shouldn’t have had to apologise and feel so bad. I should have apologised for my shitty behaviour that drove her to it. She said she has always regretted it and it just doesn’t stand out as anything terrible to me!

Move on. Your daughter will.

OP’s daughter wasn’t being awful though. She literally did nothing wrong. She was trying to protect herself, from a series of physical and emotional assaults and arbitrary punishments.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/05/2023 21:13

micpop · 01/05/2023 20:43

I have diabetes and it felt like the beginning of a hypo to me, but I checked my bloods when home and they were normal. That's the only think I can think of. I'm 29 so not menopause

Do you ever feel jealous (not necessarily in a bad way) of your daughter? I know a few parents that had abusive childhoods that feel that way and sometimes it comes out as anger , because they do so much for their child,they love their child and make sure they're safe and loved and protected and the kids (as kids do) still whinge /whine /seem ungrateful or spoilt etc. The differences in their upbringing just hits them sometimes. They don't understand why their child isn't happy/grateful because they didn't have to live through what they did etc.

I hope this makes sense . You don't have to answer on here,but maybe something to unpick.

Thoughtful2355 · 01/05/2023 21:14

sorry but yes your a terrible mother. She was told to take out the earrings by another adult after a lifetime of learning to basically listen and do what adults tell you to do.

She was then berated and punished for it and then pinched and slapped and swore at. You bullied your child, a 10 year old at that! Disgusting behaviour. if you had written that your partner had done that to you because you had called him dramatic ( which btw you were being) Then everyone would say LTB or that hes an abusive asshole.

The best thing would have been to say Right no more ear piercing until your old enough to buy them yourself.

3WildOnes · 01/05/2023 21:14

AuntieJune · 01/05/2023 21:03

I'm pretty sure that with a counsellor you'd unpick what made you snap in ten mins.

Probably to do with her seemingly not caring about your sacrifices (personal and financial) for her - as a single mother maybe you're under financial pressure but found money to let her have her ears pierced, then were understanding when she needed it again, then to face having to do it again seemed like she took your spending the money on it for granted and is treating you like a bottomless pit.

Sometimes one small event can tap into a stream of anger or resentment we've been trying to keep down and results in an outburst like this. Maybe you go without so she can have things, but you think she doesn't appreciate it? Or you work hard to give her more than your mother gave you and not resent it, but it's hard if she doesn't seem to appreciate what you do?

Maybe you thought it was nice for her to spend time with her friends but really you felt a bit lonely and you're worried that she's moving away from you and doesn't need you as much, but still wants ever more money?

There'll be something if you think of it, and understanding what led to you snapping can help you prevent it from happening again.

This. Don't report yourself to the police, thats not going to help the situation. Working out why you were so triggered will help prevent situations like this from occurring again.

WeeblesWobbled · 01/05/2023 21:16

depre · 01/05/2023 20:57

@BSB30

I agree. The dynamic between partners is completely different from the parent and child dynamic. There are lots of things you wouldn't do to a partner but you would do to a child and vice versa. The two aren't comparable.

The dynamic may be different but the principle is the same. You don't use violence against people.

Exactly.

Iguanainanigloo · 01/05/2023 21:16

I would go and apologise to her straight away. Yes her behaviour didn't sound great, but she's ten, you're a grown adult. It sounds like she was made to take them out, why would she have done so otherwise? And not her fault that they wouldn't go back in. Her saying she didn't want them pierced anyway, was probably her way of trying to de-escalate the situation. She knew getting them back in was going to hurt, and make you stressed/cross, so her ten year old brain probably thought to say something that might stop it there and then. Don't want the earrings in anyway... Okay... end of bad situation. Having no earrings is a completely valid consequence to the action, and would have been enough for her to learn from, with regards to responsibilities (not that I actually think she did anything wrong, as sounds like she was asked to remove them). Would you rather she'd have the dance instructor back chat about not being allowed to take the out etc? If she wasn't meant to have removed them, then that would have been your job as the parent to communicate that with the teacher.

elm26 · 01/05/2023 21:16

@FairAcre I'm afraid when you post on a public forum stating that you've pinched, smacked and sworn at your 10 year old, you're going to receive some strong responses.

I was hit as a child, I have to live with those scars as an adult. I was a quiet child, I didn't have a "naughty" bone in my body, I actually tried to constantly please my parents.

But it's okay, she feels bad about it so it's not okay for anyone to say anything that could make her feel any worse.

Disgusting attitude.

Royalbloo · 01/05/2023 21:16

dontmakemeshushyou

This isn't online bullying of a celebrity. It's an anonymous post someone has chosen to post. Nothing like the same thing, at all! Lol

And maybe if you hit someone with a lamp you should feel a little bit shit. If you then choose to kill yourself is that the responsibility of the person you hit, or the people who commented? Wondering....

Deathbyfluffy · 01/05/2023 21:17

elm26 · 01/05/2023 18:50

So you pinched your child? Smacked her? Then swore at her? And all of the previous replies are giving you sympathy. If somebody had posted that a male had done the same to his child, it would be "LTB", "unforgivable", "assault", "a danger to children" etc etc.

FWIW, you should feel bad, you've physically assaulted your child.

This is what I was thinking - imagine if the thread was about a male that’d done this!
It wouldn’t be ‘oh, these things happen’ - it’d be ‘leave him and ring the police’

I’ll keep a link to this thread for next time a man is accused of similar, and see how the responses tally up.

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