I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

[Yesterdayseemssofaraway]

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

This is for DH to sort, stop trying to work it out, it’s his problem.

and I wouldn’t take a child on a 12 hour roundtrip to see someone for a day. Can SIL drive? Can DH and her work out a reasonable plan, if not, not your problem.

I know lots of people say fly in one place and fly out another, this might be also expensive and difficult to do.

Loads of peopleassumingthere are 2 airports with flights to where the OP lives. There might not be and even if there are one of them might not be near the ILs.

We know there are because OP has considered flying from her mum's to her in-laws.

You're talking about OP's DH who can't be bothered to visit his DM on his own even though that would easily be affordable? Have you actually read any of OP's updates? Or maybe you think it's always on the wifey to compensate for everybody else's shortcomings?

This is my feeling. I hate the way the word "toxic" is bandied about vaguely on here - I'd like to see the OP properly define what she means by this. Would she go and visit if her parents hadn't moved six hours away and the MIL lived in the same town? Is it toxic to dare to complain when your child has emigrated and you haven't seen them for more than four years having been disabled and widowed in the meantime and you still haven't met your grandchild? None of us has obligation to see our in-laws, lots of people would much rather stay holed up with their own parents, but it doesn't make the in-laws toxic for daring to complain. Is the MIL is genuinely abusive or is it just that the DH just can't be arsed and thinks it can all be left to his sister? And is it really such a hardship, if travelling to see her really is too complicated, not to rub her nose in it by plastering the trip all over social media?

This is perfect! Just do this and stop tying yourself up in knots.

You say they are toxic and will get upset - but so what? What can they actually do to you? You don't see them in person and if they are being awful on the phone you can just hang up 🤷

Where do you live and why have you allowed your husband's family and lol - sister ???? to have right of any say.

That's a good start assuming that MILs health allows it.

But lots are saying fly back home from there.

TBH, I'd pre-empt it and contact them.

As you know, finances are tight, we've not been able to afford the trip over to see you.
My mum has kindly offered for my birthday and Christmas gift, to pay for return flights to the nearest airport to her so we can visit.

"I know that it causes contention when we see my parents but not yourselves, so I'm giving you notice in advance that we will be at mum's on ××/××-××/××. Please come and see us. It isn't possible to rent a car and travel to ypu because of the aforementioned finance restraints we have.
We look forward to seeing you!
If you can't come, please come and stay with us"

This way, they have to take some responsibility for the fact that they won't make either trip themselves.
You're being as open to them as you can be.

I doubt they'll come. But you've tried.
If they try to kick off, refer to your husband who already seems fed up enough that he won't visit them himself

And sod disabilities my sister can't even make a 30 minute drive anymore even the GP visit is too much......the op may never have the same worry as Mil could be dead before she gets to worry again.

Tell them your parents pay all costs for their visits to you and yours to them, and their son can confirm this. Your parents finances are none of the IL's business so there's nothing more to discuss.

Your DH needs to back you up on this. Beyond that dealing with their bile and jealousy is his problem not yours.

Enjoy your trip home with DD.

I think you should point out that your parents are paying for the trip. However I would also try to be a bit “fairer” about seeing relatives. Me and DH lived in australia for a while and there is no way we would have only tried to see only my family or only his family. I think not making a six hour drive to see them when you are visiting from overseas is pretty mean.

You never actually see them in person, so that severely limits the nastiness they can cause. YOU can just not read their emails, and SM messages. If they have a go at you on the phone, put the phone down. They and their nastiness are in another country, sealed off by the ocean and mountains.

Then they can only be nasty to their own son; and he can deal with that himself. As he doesn't bother with affordable solo visits to them, he's clearly got their measure long ago.

If you in-laws had paid for you to visit them, and your parents were six hours away - would you make the effort to see them?

she is a widow in a wheelchair.
i dont spose she is rich either

So not only is it now on op not the actual
adult child it’s now on her family to help support and pay for them to visit mil.

This is a son and mother issue. If the mils son wanted to arrange a visit he would, the ops parents want to see their child and grandchild so they are fully paying for it. No they shouldn’t be paying for op to then basically piss off for a few days on their coin to appease mil who’s own son cnba.

Point the blame where it lay, the son not the op.
Clearly there’s reasons her own son doesn’t want to visit.

@Yesterdayseemssofaraway
I've read all your posts but not the whole thread so forgive me if this has been suggested already but could you fly into your parents nearest airport spend most of your time there then get a train/coach to your IL's /home town spend a day or two there see in laws and old friends then fly back to resident country from the airport nearest them? You have said flight from there are cheap.

Don't tell the in-laws and enjoy your trip.

Hon I stopped reading honestly you're way too involved in DHs family, just disconnect from them, there are no downsides. Don't speak to them, let all contact go through DH, in the same way it did when you were dating. If they want to arrange a visit with him they can and you can be welcoming when there. Don't let them interfere with your family, your relationship with them is not their concern and they have no right to police it. Don't answer/respond to any comments about your family 💐

My priority would be family because they have paid for the trip. I would advise the Inlaws that they can come and visit. Put the onus on them.

Totally disagree with alot of the posters on here. I live overseas with a toddler. When I fly back with toddler (usually without DH as I'm a SAHM) I go to stay with my family (4 times a year). My inlaws live a 5 hour drive away or 6 hours by train - 3 changes. They never make the effort to come and visit when I'm staying with my family and on the odd occasion when I've made the train journey to see them they haven't done anything to make it easier for me (like picking us up from a train station an hours drive away to save all the changes). When I stop with them it's more hassle, MIL can't cook so I do all the cooking. She dips her toe into which bits of grandparenting she wants to do, is a borderline alcoholic and cries all the bloody time for no reason - it's miserable. And she doesn't live in town so I'm stuck in her house. I hate it. Whereas when I stay with my family I'm insured on dad's car so can drive, get out.
Travelling with toddlers is hell and expensive, I resent forking out £120 on train tickets or id have to hire car at my expense. All on top of the flight cost. Much more inexpensive to stay with my family. I probably stay with inlaws once a year. I don't feel bad about it. Easy to maintain a relationship with kids via video calls and WhatsApp. If they were more welcoming or made life easier I might make more effort but they don't deserve that.

Do not feel pressured to doing something you don't want to (sounds like you don't) - families are complicated. If your DH wants to go visit his family with your little one and organize it, then let him. But don't go out of your way on this trip. You'll set a precedence and it will ruin your holiday because you will dread the journey there and don't want to go.

I should also add we are overseas but not a million miles away, 2 hour flight. So inlaws are very welcome to visit and MIL makes alot of effort to fly out. But never see the rest of the family - partly due to cost, partly because they don't want to. We are always expected to schlepp it back to the UK every Christmas, see everyone, costs over £1000 in travel and inlaws can't be arsed to make the effort when we are there. Just a waste of money.

A six hour drive isn’t nothing. It’s like driving from London to Glasgow. There’s no way I’d do that on my own with a 4 year old, especially if I was only there for a week. Just say, ‘We must get DH to arrange a date when we can come and visit you’.

Yes. There has to be an airport there or they couldn't fly there from her mum's!