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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

293 replies

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:03

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 01/05/2023 11:18

Also consider flying into a different airport.
Can you fly in near MIL and then train or bus to your folks for the bulk of your holiday?

Minierme · 01/05/2023 11:25

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:24

@LittleBearPad They cause a lot of trouble tbh and can be quite toxic. There’s never been any effort to visit in years and years of being fit and able to, whereas my family make an effort and then when they want me to finally have a holiday myself as a gift off them, I feel I can’t as I know the nastiness it will cause

Just don’t tell them. Keep it off social media. Sounds like it will be a headache and it’s just not going to be worth the stress.

LittleBearPad · 01/05/2023 11:30

Your DH isn’t coming across well.

Tell him to take DD to see his mum.

diddl · 01/05/2023 11:32

Eggseggseverywhere · 01/05/2023 09:37

No excuse needed to swerve toxic people.. Relatives or not. Stuff that... Dh can go visit if he wants to!

I agree.

Their son can visit with the kids if/when he wants!

Notimeforaname · 01/05/2023 11:38

I want to visit my family Well off you go then.

In laws will be pissed off Let them 🤷‍♀️

It's their problem, not yours..

Hope you have a lovely time with your family!

Mumteedum · 01/05/2023 11:39

I haven't read your full thread but have read your posts. It's very difficult but my advice for what's it's worth is go see your mum and dad. Feel no guilt. Do no apologise nor explain. It's your in law's issue and your husband's. Six hours is a massive drive. It's not unreasonable to not go see them and frankly unfair on your parents to pay to see you and then for you to go elsewhere.

My ex mil used to do this to me and cause loads of stress. Weirdly now we're divorced and I'm not there to be guilt tripped into being the facilitator, she never visits her son. She still plays stupid games with sis in law and counts how many photos of her there are compared to sis in law's mum. I'm sorry but it's her issue. Don't let it spoil your plans. Flowers

You need to learn to be less of a people pleaser.

ferneytorro · 01/05/2023 11:44

greencheetah · 01/05/2023 09:47

Stop it. You don’t have to do any of these things.

You’ve already done the big bit of travelling so if they cba to visit you in uk, so be it.

Are you being bullied by DH? Or are you a dreadful people pleaser?

Was just going to say this! I think op you’ve said there will be harsh words /complaints from them? Only thing you can do is work on not being bothered / shutting them down. You can’t stop their behaviour only your reaction. What will they do? I assume be angry on the phone?

GrumpyPanda · 01/05/2023 11:46

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 09:39

@GabriellaMontez Even when mine comes to visit, I worry to post sometimes, it’s crazy, they will complain we go to see my family, but not theirs, but they say they can’t afford it, neither can we, it’s such a pressure all the time

You know you can restrict your audience on Facebook posts? Never actually tried it myself, but I believe it revolves around creating a specific group that would then exclude your in-laws.

LillianGish · 01/05/2023 11:48

I think YABU because you remind me of my own SIL who always visited her own parents with BIL and the kids, spent Christmas with them, went on holiday with them (the parents always paid) and rarely visited my own MIL (who also coincidentally lived 6 hours away from her parents). She was very much made to feel like the second division granny and it made her very sad. If the "toxicity" you talk about is your SIL having a dig, maybe that's because she's on the spot looking after her widowed, disabled mother who would probably love to see the granddaughter she has never met. I understand that the six hour journey is a problem for you, but I'd have more sympathy for you if you had a bit more sympathy for your MIL instead of making it all about you - my parents have paid for the trip, I won't be able to post any pictures on social media, DH can visit on his own (she probably wants to see her granddaughter - is that really so unreasonable?) I'm surprised your own mother, a grandmother herself, can't see things from you MIL's point of view and isn't trying to facilitate some kind of meet-up. Don't you think your DD might also like to meet her other granny?

toomuchfaff · 01/05/2023 11:48

answered your own question really, I'd be hiding nothing, I'd be upfront when toxic MIL mentions anything and point out my family had funded the trip, them being 6 hours away means you WONT be able to.pop into see the DH family but you'd be open to them visiting the area for a meet up... in absence of that few messages, maybe a facetime to say hello bit that'd be the length of my effort. Planes go both ways, they never come to visit you, you can't afford to visit them and I'd not be wasting 2 days of my trip to accommodate going to see them. See your family; they have earned your attention and reciprocate your efforts. Cut the toxic parts out

BeerBot · 01/05/2023 11:50

He always says we can’t afford it, but we can! The only thing I can think is he doesn’t want to, I know it’s hard for him after his dad passed away. The family is full of troubles now and always falls out with one another, he hates getting dragged into it, but it’s his mum 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t understand it.

Your DH has checked out with his family. He's not interested in visiting, he's just leaving them all to get on with it. Id have s as conversation with him about future regrets. If MIL passed away tomorrow would he have any regrets about not having seen her for years? If he won't have then that's ok but if he will then he will have to live with that for the rest of his life. He's only 2.5 hrs away. He could come by himself just for a couple of days to see his mum. But it sounds like he doesn't want to.

ScribblingPixie · 01/05/2023 11:54

I would come over without your DH so your parents are just paying for you and the children. If your DH wants to come, make it conditional on him - not you - visiting his parents.

jellybe · 01/05/2023 11:54

Tell them you are visiting your parents and if they are able to meet you on x day at y attraction (go a few hours in their direction) that would be great. If they can't then that's that.

JamHam · 01/05/2023 11:59

So DH family are toxic, there are always fall outs and guilt tripping and drama.

DH isn't bothered about seeing them himself.

But OP should be the one making the effort? I don't get it. It sounds like they're not very nice to OP, yet she's getting piled on and told to travel to visits them.

Even though DH can't be arsed himself.

Fuck it OP, go and have a lovely time with your parents. If DH wants to see MIL he can sort it himself.

bomanicious · 01/05/2023 12:02

I'm surprised your own mother, a grandmother herself, can't see things from you MIL's point of view and isn't trying to facilitate some kind of meet-up

So not only is it the Op's responsibility to facilitate her husbands relationship with HIS family, but also the Op's mothers? Rightio.

HaroldeVwilliam · 01/05/2023 12:02

Op.

  1. go and enjoy your family visit. Time us precious, don't let in laws impact your time with your family. I can't imagine how I would feel if I was scraping together money for dd to visit me and she felt this upset because of unrealistic, unreasonable pils.
  2. don't post on sm. Don't tell them what's going on. Get with the program!! You and dh only have yourselves to blame if you know what they are like and you flaunt your trips and keep the updated. They don't have any right to know! Don't tell them.
diddl · 01/05/2023 12:05

So DH family are toxic, there are always fall outs and guilt tripping and drama.

DH isn't bothered about seeing them himself.

But OP should be the one making the effort?

Ikr!

Have a lovely time with your parents Op.

Gothambutnotahamster · 01/05/2023 12:06

I would go & not feel guilty about it. Your DPs are paying and if your in laws ask, just tell them the truth.

You've nothing to feel bad about - your in laws are your DHs family to sort. Post on social media til your heart is content. You're doing nothing wrong.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 01/05/2023 12:07

I think you'll have to grin and bare it and visit them too. Wouldn't your DH be upset if you didn't?

Whochangedmynamec · 01/05/2023 12:07

Say nothing. Do your thing. It’s your life and you can make decisions for yourself.

Grey rock statements might include

I am sorry you are disappointed, the decision was made
thanks your your feedback it has vern noted
the plans are already in place etc.
this is not up for discussion

What I would not do is apologise or explain. They don’t control you. Stay friendly, treat them normally, it’s something they are going to have to accept.

I’ve been left out of things/ let doen etc and I handled it and moved on. Nobody owns anybody else.

jannier · 01/05/2023 12:07

So your penalising MIL who maybe felt she couldn't take your money to pay for her trip....and possibly was even then finding it physically difficult or uncomfortable to travel now she's in a wheelchair. That sounds awful to me your family may never get to see her again and if you do now see her you may understand why she couldn't travel.
Most people in wheelchairs have other issues and pain I'd suck up the 12 hours travel

jannier · 01/05/2023 12:08

mischlerischler · 01/05/2023 09:31

Just tell them the truth. Your parents are paying for your trip.

If, as you said above, they are toxic and never come for a visit, I wouldn't stress about visiting them. 6 hours is a long drive to go visit someone who you don't get along and who doesn't make any effort with you.

It sounds like your husband is not keen on visiting them on his own either.

How does a financially poor disabled person with declining health go visit?

bellabasset · 01/05/2023 12:11

Contact your SIL, tell her that your dp's are paying for you to be able to come to the UK and you'd love to have a family het together. Ask her to arrange for her and MIL to come and stay nearby so they could join in a family dinner with your dp's. Tell her that with a new family and covid you've been unable to afford the cost previously. Then let your dh and SIL sort it out between them.

Dutch1e · 01/05/2023 12:16

Even if they were lovely people there's no way I'd drag a 4 yr old around on a 12 hour round-trip drive.

Rule of thumb is always that you're doing the international travel so you get to stay put after arriving. Anyone who wants to see you can make their way to wherever you are as you've already come a LOT further than halfway between their home and your own home.

MRex · 01/05/2023 12:26

Yesterdayseemssofaraway · 01/05/2023 10:53

@0ddSock I think it’s too far, the ideal solution is to fly to them at a different date, but until we can afford it, it’s just not possible. For the same reason I’ve not been able to fly to see my family, which I’d love to do as my db hasn’t been able to come over so he’s not seen Dd yet, it’s the same situation.

So your DB hasn't flown over, but that's ok because he can't afford it. SIL has flown over twice, but she is BAD for not flying over more often. I think you might need to be a bit careful about whether you are being strictly fair to each person here.