I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

[Yesterdayseemssofaraway]

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

I genuinely don't understand why you feel guilty for not seeing them. They aren't your family, they aren't nice to you, they don't/rarely come to visit you but expect you to make all the effort to see them. Just don't engage.

You haven't commented about your husband's view of his family - does he feel guilty? Does he expect you to see them? If not then why should you feel anxious and guilty over it. However if it's causing probkems with husband that's a different problem to address.

You could feasibly never see MiL & SiL ever again given they don't come to visit you - what can they do about it? If they are being nasty by text/Whatsapp/Facebook etc just shut off all forms of communication and ignore messages. Husband can deal with them.

Enjoy your holiday with parents and don't let this in-law issue spoil it.

If DH comes then he can do the trip to see his family if he wants.

I wouldn’t be going out of my way to expose myself and my child to toxic people. This just isn’t your problem OP.

This sounds like it's not really about you but you've been dragged into it. Your SIL is pissed off at how little her brother her sees his mother. That's the bottom line here. She's not forgiven him for moving away and leaving her with responsibility for MIL. She's using the comparison to your DPs so he sees how often you see your parents as a comparison. Yes I realise your parents travel to see you but I think the bottom line here is she feels your DH does not see his mother enough, particularly now its difficult for her to travel.

Just go to your parents as they've paid. Even if you were to visit MIL I doubt it would be enough as they'll just chew your ear about why her son isn't there too!

Keep out of it and let your DH deal with it all. He's trying to unload the pressure onto you and guilt trip you.
Enjoy your holiday with your parents

Either get a train.
Add your name to your mums car insurance and meet them halfway…you can offer, it’s up to day family if they want to but at least you’ve offered.
Or tell dh family you’re around if they want to drive to visit where you are.

Or don’t post anything on social media and ask your do to not say anything.

Have I read this right - you emigrated, MIL has never met her granddaughter, she's since been widowed and is now in a wheelchair? I'm not really clear what "toxic" means in this case - it's a bit vague. Is it that she feels a bit demanding because she's unhappy you've left the country, she's anxious about visiting, she feels shortchanged that your parents have now moved six hours away so she won't even see when you come back to the UK visits and has expressed disappointment at this or is it something more than that? Personally, as someone who moved abroad myself, I would never have considered going back to the UK for a visit without at least trying to see both sets of grand parents if at all possible and would have accepted the inconvenience. At the very least I would let DH's family know you are coming, say you won't have a car, look into trains and offer to meet halfway or invite them to wherever your parents live. I would show willing at the very least. I'm also focusing on this sentence: I’d actually like to as it’s my old area where I grew up and I’d love to see old friends too etc - you're almost cutting off your nose to spite your face by not going. Why not kill two birds with one stone, arrange to stay a night or two with friends and have a bit of a reunion at the same time? Or is that your parents think that because they are funding the trip you should spend all your time with them?

ShandaLear · Today 09:12
Be totally up front about it. ‘Hi MIL, my parents have very kindly paid for us to have visit back home. We’ll be over on xxx date for a week and if you want to come and visit on yyy date we’d love to see you’. You are not doing anything wrong and shouldn’t be embarrassed or be trying to hide it.

this^

So you're reducing seeing family to a pay-per-view. only the wealthier can see family who live overseas?

Honestly, just let your DH deal with it. From your posts, he doesn’t seem that bothered about seeing his family or not. Your family are paying for your ticket, children’s and dogs. They’re even happy to pay for your DH’s ticket. They would take priority every time.

Clearly your husbands parents haven’t bothered to come visit you or maintain a bond, as you’ve said they’ve been toxic. It’s really not your problem. At the end of the day, they’re not your parents - they’re for DH’s. It’s his problem/responsibility.

@BeerBot Yes, that’s exactly it, but why is it always me that’s questioned 🙈I feel like saying ‘Ask your bloody brother!’ I don’t get why he doesn’t go, I’ve even said I’ll book it etc, whilst he’s been at work and busy, that I’d sort it, he just never says much about it. He doesn’t guilt trip me or pressure me though as he knows it’s not my fault, it’s the in laws and all
their messages and pointed social media posts etc

We had family who moved abroad and they either came over and seen her parents side, or came over and seen his parents side. The drive between both families was similar about 6 hours so they never seen both sets in 1 visit. If they ask you to visit tell them it's too far to fit all into 1 trip, and they are welcome if they want to do the trip to you. Or the compromise of meeting 3 hours away for you both.

@LillianGish Would be completely doable if we were close by, but my family now live six hours away, tbh the thought of taking Dd all that way and the cost is making me anxious.
My parents have offered for Dh to come, but it’s unlikely as he works during that time, so it will be just me and dd

Leave your in laws out of your holiday plans with your parents. Your husband can organise a visit if he wants to see them. Or offer them to come and visit you while you're staying with your parents. Don't worry about the fall out, not your problem.

@0ddSock I think it’s too far, the ideal solution is to fly to them at a different date, but until we can afford it, it’s just not possible. For the same reason I’ve not been able to fly to see my family, which I’d love to do as my db hasn’t been able to come over so he’s not seen Dd yet, it’s the same situation.

But now my mum has offered to pay as she sees how much we’d love to come and for me to have a short break too

Why would your DH not see his elderly mother, who is a wheelchair user, when he returns to the UK? Why can’t you travel to her house by train, with a taxi for the last part of the journey if you are worried about driving? When did the family last see MIL?

I am sorry if it was me I would ne the bigger person and make some sort of effort to see them. I would also secretly be doing it so they couldn't bitch about me either. I get it families are hard work both yours and in laws. but you are married to their son and have a child. so I don't get people saying this is yoir dh issues. your married to him work as a team for a compromise here. I would say your mother in law has mich time left. then this could be yoir last time having to do this. as people suggest meet half way or fly out a different airport. its a few hours of pain. I get it my parents emigrated and hols were spent seeing everyone and driving when went back. mother used to give out about it. we loved it as got loads of sweets. but now she never goes back as no one there. she glad she made the effort now

Why don't you say that?

Or if you want to be more tactful "you'll have to ask him that, I'm not his keeper"!

"Please ask him that question. If you keep asking me, we're going to fall out"

She clearly says exactly what she wants to you. Why do you feel you can't?

Look. Stop worrying.

If it's anyone's problem it's your husband's.

Go, see your parents. If your DH comes then maybe you can arrange one day to meet them, if he doesn't then you don't

You live in another country. What's the worst they can do?

@LadyLapsang We can afford for Dh to fly to the U.K. direct to her for a few days, flights can be very cheap if you’re able to be flexible for their particular airport, not the case with my parents. I’ve no idea why he won’t, it’s bizarre to me. He always says we can’t afford it, but we can! The only thing I can think is he doesn’t want to, I know it’s hard for him after his dad passed away. The family is full of troubles now and always falls out with one another, he hates getting dragged into it, but it’s his mum 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t understand it.

So your mil and sil aren't prepared to meet you halfway? I'd visit my mum and not give it a second thought their reaction is their issue. Go and have a lovely time seeing your mum. How they respond is up to them, no need to make excuses or justify yourself. People really are arseholes sometimes wanting things their own way and then trying to make you feel awful for not falling in with their plans.

If your dh flies on his own she won't get to see her grandchild though so I'm not sure that's the solution.

I lived abroad for years at about the same distance as you. It's not the other side of the world. I can't see why you don't go sometimes to see her. I do understand her not coming to you if she's not someone who has travelled much.

@Zonder We always did before, it’s just been v hard financially until recently (we’re almost getting back to how we were) but we’ve simply not been able to afford a holiday for us all…to anywhere

I’d leave the conversation to dh. We live 4 hours from mil and she complains we see my dm lots more (she’s an hour and a half away). Actually we spent years seeing mil more because we’d stay for a few days and I was trying to be a good dil. Following covid I’ve stopped worrying. We see my dm more, so what? dm makes the effort, actively invites us to events with her and is fantastic. We still only see her every 2 months on average. Mil did announce they were coming with a week’s notice and was really annoyed we said no - we weren’t home as we’d booked a short city break. She’s infuriating but I leave dh to deal with it and don’t get involved.

Your parents are paying for you to visit them. I wouldn’t feel at all bad, you’ve not saved up to travel to the U.K. then snubbing them it’s an over to stay at your parents home which you are accepting.

Sil and mil can always pop up and visit you and dd if they wish too. Dh as you’ve said could whenever he fancy’s fly in alone cheaply to visit his mother and sister.

Also yes if they ask just turn it back, you’ll have to ask dh. That’s what I’ve started with mil now when she’s asking me stuff that’s really his stuff. Do you know what time? I’ve no idea what did you arrange with dh? What time did you tel him? No idea you’ll have to have him.

Enjoy your visit home.
How generous of your parents to shout your holiday and to visit you frequently.

Please factor in a visit to your inlaws for one day if they can not come to see you at your parents' place
Some people are anxious travellers.
For the sake of your DD be kind and loving to her relatives who, if the wheel chair is a sign, might not be able to see DD very often.

You have to live with yourself and you also have to think of your child. You don't have to treat MIL as poorly as you think she treats you.