I want to visit my family, in laws will be pissed off

[Yesterdayseemssofaraway]

I live abroad and haven’t been able to afford to go back to the U.K. for a holiday since covid. My family come to visit three times per year, Dh’s don’t.
My mum has given me some money to bring dd over to stay with them and have a little holiday in the summer holidays. I know that this will cause huge problems with mil and sil as they’ll say we go to visit my family and see a lot, but we don’t visit them. But my parents and sister pay to come and stay with us and now my parents are treating me to a break to come and stay with them.
How do I avoid this causing trouble, what would you do?

No way would I do a 12 hour round trip. No bloody way. They can come to you or meet you half way. Let them be pissed off. They are 6hours away to be a bother.

That MIL is in a wheelchair is a red herring. So is the fact that FIL died. They never came over when they were both fit and well, they expected OP and her DH to do all the hard work and costs of travelling, which they did. Now things have changed but they still demand the same treatment. So this isn't new and isn't explained by the new circumstances.

They sound like the sort of people who expect their whole lives to be on their terms, with other people making all the effort and running round making sure that they get it. The OP and DH visited regularly in the past. They invited the ILs to go to them and said they would pay. But that wasn't good enough. The OP has encouraged her DH to go and see them. I don't think that means she doesn't like her MIL, it means she's fed up of the traffic (literally) being all one way. I fail to see why she should feel she has to make a long journey both ways and take time out from seeing her parents (for which they're paying) to placate them when they won't lift a finger, now OR in the past.

My suggestion would be to say you are visiting dear mum, suggest they tell you a day to keep available for them to come to you.

if they say no, job done. If they say come to us, say that doesn’t work for you.

We have family that, growing up always expected us to travel to them, but never came to us. Chances are they can’t be bothered, but it is the same 6 hours for them to drive to you as for you to drive to them.

Just stop thinking about it OP.
If people want to see you they have to make some effort. Your parents are making the effort to see you, and you are making the effort to see them. And there it stops. A 6 hour journey to see people who aren't lovely to you? no. Just say "sorry, no can do" (I'd not even say the sorry but i dislioke my ILs intensely)

If they want to see you, your dd or your dh, then they and your dh have to make the effort. No effort? no visits.

Enjoy the visit to your parents, post as much or as little on SM that you want (you can restrict the audience if you want, i would) and any moaning from them gets ignored and/or directed to your dh. End of story.

Based on your opening message @Yesterdayseemssofaraway, I'd leave it to your DP/DH to deal with his family.

He needs to explain that your parents and siblings pay to travel to visit you and now they have also paid for you to travel to visit them.

But you don't need to do anything.

Perhaps if MiL and SiL liked to travel, perhaps they could visit you? Has that ever been suggested as an option? Has it ever been suggested that MiL and SiL could pay for you to travel to them? Would you consider splitting your trip so that you spend a day or two with the in-laws while being over visiting?

Going back now to read the rest of the thread.

I've read the whole thread now and realise that you have suggested to MiL that she come to visit you and DH where you live now but as she is in a wheelchair she doesn't feel comfortable doing that.

Perhaps if your DH could find a suitable hotel near where you live now that is wheelchair accessible along with finding some activities (so she feels like she isn't going to be stuck indoors all the time during her visit) she might feel like coming to visit?

All arrangements though should be made through your DH. If they start having a go at you, say "DH, your mother/sister/whoever is arguing that I can't do X or Y...please have a word with them" and hand over your phone.
Stop being the go between.
Don't engage with their discussions any more. Pass that on to your DH. He deals with issues that come from his side of the family. You deal with yours.

Tell them your family have sprung for tickets for you to visit. If they'd like to come and visit you, you'd love to see them.

It's on them to make the effort. I assume a 6 hour journey and hotel stay are going to be less cost for them versus flying and accomodation to visit you...

I don't understand why you're making this your problem?

You don't live in the same country as them, they're not going to come to you so how are they going to cause them trouble? Let them whinge to your OH, he's obviously not that bothered as he can't be arsed to see them.

If they try and whinge at you, explain that it's up to your husband to deal with. If they continue, hang up!

@AwaaFaeHom No, tbh 6 hours is too far and they wouldn’t expect that

Surely you just explain it as you have in the OP.

Just tell her your mum paid and the fact is you'll be further away than you usually are when you're here.

6 hours v 2.5.

Would the inlaws meet you half way and maybe you could take the train? I mean ultimately if they don't make the effort and you're not bothered about a good relationship with them, they can kick off and you just try to ignore.

I guess it depends on how long you are able to come over for, but if you can't come over for long because of school/work/other commitments or whatever, I'd be annoyed if I was your family and had paid for you to visit, for you to then ditch them to do a 12 hr round-trip (plus actual visit time) to visit in laws that have not made any effort with you for ages.

I'd just send them a message that says "hey we've been gifted a trip to the UK by my parents. It'll be quick visit but we'd love to see you if you can meet us at X location (halfway)". If they say no can't do that, I'd just say "that's a shame maybe next time". You're making the effort to travel to the UK, the least they can do is come to you once you're there. If they complain about it in the future, just say "you know where we are if you want to visit".

Normally I'd agree with you but OP did mention that MIL refused to visit even before she became disabled.

Well I would just do it and probably not even mention it to them. I don't talk to my inlaws much, they don't know what I do from one month to the next.

The amount of people who allow their inlaws to have any say on how they live their lives totally baffles me.

Mum refused the offer of a paid trip before she went into a wheelchair but that doesn't mean she was fit and able I know many now wheelchair users that put off going into a chair but struggled massively with mobility issues and pain. Including two of my own family who could not sit for more than 10 minutes due to pain and had to go onto morphine when they did start using the chairs which effectively put them into a stupor removing more quality of life. Disability isn't simple and for many is full of life affecting choices such as severe pain or sleeping your life away.
We dont know mother in law's condition but by the sound of it neither does op my point being many just think they're in a chair, but dont stop to think of the issues that put them there assuming the chair solves all.

Then what exactly is your problem? Of course MIL will be upset she can't see her family. But you say she wouldn't expect you to travel. She's disabled and can't (and possibly has hid her Declining health from you as you live abroad and would worry but you've taken it like she can't be bothered).
Just tell her your true financial position so she understands.
Be aware you may never see her again and make a decision.

Or she could...not visit them?

OP, you have no issue here, unless you make it. It's none of their business how often you visit your family or how often they visit you. It has absolutely nothing to do with them.
You have no obligation to go to them, or apologise, or hide where you are. None.

They have made their choices. You can make yours.

Someone is pushing extremely hard on this whilst not giving an inch from their end. I don't only refer to MiL and SiL but also DH. They seem a pretty immovable family and unwilling to offer each other any flexiblility, despite the very reasonable issues of cost and logistics affecting both sides. This is unfortunate as it's not in your daughter's interests. Getting to know her other Granny would in almost all cases - unless she's a horror of the first water - be of benefit to the child.

What does rankle on reading this thread OP is that yet again, it's the woman who is expected to take responsibility, to hoover up the inconvenience, do the Wifework, and to take the flack if things are not to your in-laws' liking. This is not on. Your daughter is also your husband's daughter, and MiL is his mother. He is the one who needs to put the effort into facilitating that relationship with them. If he doesn't care this doesn't mean he automatically gets to transfer that responsibility to you.

Also throwing out there that staggering the airports you fly into and out of adds significantly to the cost. Certainly with some airlines this wouldn't classify as a return flight but two separate bookings. That's without the added cost of travelling 6 hours from the parents to the in-laws.

A visit cutting into the short week you have with your parents, when they have given you the break as a gift so that they can spend time with you, is obviously not viable let alone practical. But this is on your husband to fix.

YANBU.

Yes you do need to make an effort to see them while you're there.

Fly into mils cheaper airport and use the savings to get the train to your family then fly home from there.

No, she doesn't.

The arrogance of some of these posts is quite astounding.

this is not your problem . They are your husbands family not yours. If he wants them to see his child he needs to arrange it.

He can take some of his annual leave and some of his parents money and take your child to visit himself.

it’s not up to your parents to pay for it or for you to give up part of your holiday to spent with people who are not kind to you.

Erm.. no.

Why do people keep suggesting OP makes an effort to see her toxic in laws who make no effort to visit them? Their own son doesn't visit them.

This.