To expect some fanfare from DH for end of breastfeeding journey?

[Calmondeck]

Just that really… I always intended to breastfeed (but had no concept of how all-consuming it is in the first 6 months and didn’t really know how/when to stop) and DH was quite anti-formula. When DC was 18 months I declared myself ready to stop but he was diagnosed with cancer and DH thought breastfeeding could be a tool to help with the many many hospitalisations. Now at 23 months, DC has decided he’s done. Which feels wonderful it’s come to its natural conclusion. DH has not reacted in any way. I don’t know what I expected, AIBU to expect anything? Secretly I wish he would take this moment to reflect on how much I have given… (not just milk)…

Sure. I’m secretly a man. You got me.

Exactly this. I had quite an easy time with breastfeeding and even I thought I deserved some sort of acknowledgement. It is a big deal!

You've done so well, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Some people are so threatened by breastfeeding that they feel the need to diminish it and even mock women who manage to do it.

It's disgraceful, but it's more about their insecurities than anything else.

Well done OP. You've given a lot and the immunity and comfort you provided has likely benefited your child through their illness, so be proud of that. If you connect with likeminded mothers, you'll see lots of women like to mark the end of a long (or short) breastfeeding journey in some way.

Personally I did it by buying new bras and downing a big glass of wine, but many women do the milk jewellery thing, or take a special photo, or many other things. My friend's husband bought her an emerald ring. If it feels right to you, then do it. Don't listen to people who log onto the internet to be bitchy to strangers.

The babies other parent really should care.

Yes only 1% of the mums reaches the point OP has done. 99% don’t. She’s done an incredible sacrifice to bf until 2years. Quite likely her body isn’t the same, she’s gone through a lot of lack of sleep that her dh hasn’t gone through or the 99% haven’t gone through

yes. She’s done what the breast are designed for. Yet 99% of mums don’t.

It’s a shame every time there is a mum that has bf for longer than the 6 months the society thinks they should bf for, mumsnet comes and brings its worse and takes the mick at them.
this is why we need so much funding and support on lactation experts, to protect and help those mums that decide to bf so they can feel how well they are doing , what an amazing thing they’re doing and nobody ever should be ashamed about it, even when they’re being attacked by ignorant people

I think some people are being a tad mean OP, you put your body through nearly 2 years of breastfeeding to care for your baby, a traumatic diagnosis and taking into account your husbands wishes in all of this.

I’m sure when you say you want a fanfare you’re not actually expecting trumperts or a gift anything but I totally get and understand wanting an acknowledgment. Personally I think you deserve “thank you for using your boobs to feed our baby for 2 years” comment isn’t outrageous.

However, only you know if you brought it up with your husband how it would be recieved. Also if you do, consider if you should be thanking him for anything (personally no idea what this might be but fairs fair.)

Well done op, bf is not always easy and caring for a sick child adds another layer of exhaustion. Stopping bf I think is almost as difficult as starting sometimes. Something you e done for so long and now will never do again. Take it easy and treat yourself and look forward to the future. Hope he gets better soon.x

I'm not in the UK, so I don't know if it's a Uk thing- but I've never encountered this sneering anti-breastfeeding attitude on any other forum or anywhere in real life.

Lol he was “anti formula”. I’ll bet he was. No night feeds. No sterilising. No clutter. What a con. I understand why people think being anti formula is a good thing, but I don’t think this is an honest position for a man, ever 😂

congrats OP, you did remarkably well, sorry to hear your baby isn’t well.

I agree with the OP.

I think some women either don't breastfeed at all so don't know how hard it can be. And others find it very easy so again don't appreciate how hard other women can find it.

If you've struggled alone through 2 years of sleepless nights, no nights out, no drinking, and haven't ever given up and haven't ever relied on others ever to feed your baby then I think your DH could've at least said "well done, thank you for putting in the effort so I didn't have to."

Well done OP. I assume your baby is well now as you haven't said otherwise and I hope there's a nice bottle of wine in the fridge with your name on.

I think by OPs "fanfare" they just mean some appreciation. Which they deserve after BFing for so long. Just a "thank you", a cuddle. Anything. Though I'm also assuming the cancer (I'm so terribly sorry, I hope your child gets well very soon) has stressed both parties out.

Though this is just a PERSONAL red flag for me, but the idea of my partner making me feel I had no choice but to BF past what I wanted? ...No thanks. I'm glad my fiance was very supportive of my feeding choices since it was, yknow, my body? Heard this a few times now "my partner was anti-formula so I had to BF longer than I thought" Ick...
Can't be helped now I guess.

Next time there's a post where someone asks if Mumsnet is getting nasty and everyone shouts her down with 'oh this again' they need to be directed to this thread.
I've seen some shit on here (a LOT) but the stream of nasty sneering piss taking comments from...I'll say women because the real word might get this post deleted....to a mum of a child with cancer is the worst I've seen.
And as for the turning it into formula conversation, bore off, OP is talking about breastfeeding.
Which, incidentally, is harder and a massive commitment whether people like it or not.
Well done OP, I wish you and your family well, I hope everything improves for you all.

OP you should absolutely get all the fanfare you want. I breastfed for 3 months and had to stop because I found it so mentally taxing to be the sole source of food for all hours, all of the time. Like many women I had trouble expressing and my daughter wouldn’t take from a bottle for AGES so it was really difficult to allow myself any time alone. It was also very painful at various points.

So to breastfeed for as long as you did and past the point you wanted to in such stressful circumstances was an incredible thing to do. Being a mum to a toddler going through a cancer diagnosis is incredible in itself regardless of how you choose to feed. It deserves ALL the fucking fanfare. Ignore the commenters on this post making derisive sneery comments. Imagine having to wake up every day going through life being that mean spirited and unkind.

Ive noticed mumsnet has a LOT of internalised misogyny and there’s a great number of posters who seem to hate any suggestion that mothers should be celebrated or even supported by wider society. If you were working on a stressful, demanding project in work for 2 years that came to successful fruition, it would be completely normal for it to be acknowledged and even celebrated. In my workplace, we normally acknowledge the completion of big projects with a shout out a team meeting, sometimes the award of a token small voucher or the project team going out for drinks/lunch. Other people might receive a bonus or even a promotion.

There’s absolutely no reason why the work women do in the domestic sphere shouldn’t also be acknowledged and celebrated. But the culture on mumsnet seems to be that we should all just quietly trudge through motherhood without ever seeking to draw any attention to ourselves. Otherwise we’re ‘entitled’ or ‘spoilt’. Maybe it’s just this generation of women are increasingly starting to learn their worth.

I would suggest you spell out to your partner that you want to be acknowledged and ask for what you want. You’ve fucking earned it. A genuine heartfelt Well done from me and I sincerely wish the best for the recovery of your child x x x

As someone who kept breastfeeding a child for longer due to medical reasons there are stark differences. When my son had seizures he would neither eat nor drink other than breastfeeding for comfort. Breastfeeding saved him countless hours on fluid IV. When your child's immune system is compromised the passive immunity is hugely beneficial so I imagine a child undergoing cancer treatment would benefit there. A child with lots of medical appointments and the upheaval that comes with that benefits massively emotionally from anything that brings comfort and certainly for my son who was hospitalised roughly once a month for 2 years it was hugely valuable.

Yes you could feed formula or cows milk but the situation is different especially for a child who has been breastfed all along.

Also you're pontificating to a woman whose child has cancer about something that has let her feel she's helping in a situation where as parents we feel so helpless. If you can't fathom the motional toll of all that you should probably work on yourself.

Sorry to read about what you have gone through with your DC. I would not expect a fanfare, but at least some kind of acknowledgment of what you have done.

Thanks for all of the feedback.

I do understand where negative commentators are coming from with lines like “this is what breasts are for” etc. I think that’s why I’ve persisted, a part of me has seen this as what I’ve signed up to becoming a mum. Even if, where I’m living, I’m the last mum by a long long way still feeding, so at times it’s been a little isolating.

For financial reasons I had to return to work full time when my DC was 9 months old (or post-cancer diagnosis, as full time as possible around the hospital stays and operations) and I do feel like it’s an achievement to juggle the commitments of paid employment with nourishing your child.

Perhaps I’ve demonised DH on here by saying he’s anti-formula - he’s definitely a fed is best man, but in our pre-natal classes there was a lot of emphasis on the partner encouraging breastfeeding, and listing the million and one benefits, that I think it made him very pro-breast if it was possible for us.

When our little guy was diagnosed with cancer, we also discovered I am pregnant with DC2. I’m proud I did breastfeed DC1 through the most intense days of chemotherapy and other treatment - it was a mission because it went from minimal feeds to suddenly up every 2 hours at night in hospital, frightened, with him wanting this comfort, as he was connected to a million wires and tubes. I think with a second pregnancy on top of this, and breast sensitivity in the first trimester, it did feel like a big push to continue to provide. Of course DH wasn’t breathing down my neck about it, but with a very upset 1yr old it was clear DH hoped I’d continue to provide that comfort when nothing else seemed to work.

Thanks to those saying “tell to DH, he’s not a mind reader”. I’ll admit, I hadn’t really had the time to think about the end of breastfeeding as being a big thing either. But now that I’m a week into a child-led wean, it’s suddenly struck me that ‘wow, breastfeeding for 2 years was a huge undertaking. Natural and normal, but also hugely time consuming, at times uncomfortable, and a lot of logistics. Ending does feel like a milestone”. You’re right, I’m not expecting trumpets, banners or an event in my honour, but some kind of acknowledgment along the lines of “you’ve given A LOT, I’m proud of you, enjoy this freedom before it’s starts again in 2 months with DC2” would have been nice.

Though perhaps it’s just one of those things that breastfeeding can look magical and easy from the outside, but impossible for anyone but the woman herself to understand the complex myriad of feelings about it.

Im not sure I’ll go so far as to immortalise my breastmilk, but I love the suggestion of a massage.

How about mentioning it to him @Calmondeck like I said, I would expect him to say something. You have done amazing, absolutely amazing and that's coming from a mum who formula fed! Surely he's seen you power through. I think sometimes men take for granted just how much us mums give when our babies are small. That goes for both breast and formula feeders. I would mention it.

I don't think it's actually about the breastfeeding per se....I think you just want some recognition for being a great mum during a very difficult time.

Wishing your son well xx

Thank you, yes I’ll mention it. @Comedycook I hear what you’re saying, recognition it always nice, but I really do think the physical/hormonal/logistical elements of breastfeeding are huge. That alone deserves a clap.

OP last comment from me I just wanted to say that I think your response is kinder and far more measured than a number of these commenters deserve. I am so pleased though they haven’t managed to make you question or underplay your achievement. It wouldn’t have taken so much strength, grit and determination to persevere through the circumstances you have and to keep showing up for your child in the way that you did. I’m glad to hear at the very least you are having a massage. Although personally I’d see no issue if you did fancy some trumpets and banners on arrival for said massage 🎉. Why the fuck not x x

@User41 🥳 thank you, you made me laugh a lot

You sound like a truly amazing mum.

I’ve done BF for comfort and pain relief (and sometimes the only form of nutrition) through prolonged and painful DC hospital stays and I have done surviving a subsequent pregnancy through prolonged hospital stays. No one who hasn’t done it could have a fucking clue what it’s like.

And I’ve not ever had to do both together. And yes, the physical, emotional, hormonal and sheer logistical elements are massively undervalued by most. Also the fact that it means you have to do every single hospital night. Once your husband has to do some of them he may realise how that alone is a massive undertaking,

I’m organising you a parade. Floats and a brass band. A red arrows fly past. I hear there’s a big sparkly hat not in use in until next weekend, you could totally borrow it! 👑