Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect some fanfare from DH for end of breastfeeding journey?

237 replies

Calmondeck · 30/04/2023 22:07

Just that really… I always intended to breastfeed (but had no concept of how all-consuming it is in the first 6 months and didn’t really know how/when to stop) and DH was quite anti-formula. When DC was 18 months I declared myself ready to stop but he was diagnosed with cancer and DH thought breastfeeding could be a tool to help with the many many hospitalisations. Now at 23 months, DC has decided he’s done. Which feels wonderful it’s come to its natural conclusion. DH has not reacted in any way. I don’t know what I expected, AIBU to expect anything? Secretly I wish he would take this moment to reflect on how much I have given… (not just milk)…

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2023 23:45

I'm sorry your little one isn't recovered from the Cancer @Calmondeck . I hope that happens soon.

It may be that DH just doesn't understand that you expect something from him if he's always been supportive of your journey. Is there money to treat yourself to a piece of jewellery with your milk so you have a reminder?

It might also be that having a very poorly baby, it gets easy to lose sight of each other. Tell him how proud you are of yourself, I'm sure he'll agree with you. I'm not sure many men would know to do more than that x

EasterIssland · 30/04/2023 23:45

Btw op, if you’re into tattoos there are quite a few in ig related with breastfeeding if it’s something you’d like. Doesn’t have to be anything too explicit. A friend of mine is thinking about getting one drop of milk tattooed when she finishes , I’m thinking about the number of days our journey lasted. Just another kind of idea if you want to celebrate/ remember your journey

Lcb123 · 30/04/2023 23:45

“Anti formula”, boils my blood. He had no right to any opinion about how you feed your child. But I’m not sure you need a ‘fanfare’ …

Nedmund · 30/04/2023 23:46

Some of these posts are appalling, obviously from people who've not breastfed. It can be physically draining and isolating to breastfeed at times, OP has done this throughout her child being ill and provided the comfort and closeness that would have helped.

That does not discount that it'd be a struggle for a mum with baby who had cancer and ff. Hugs are just as important for that closeness too.

It's not us v them or a slight on anyone else.

She's done something that only 1% of mums do. Of course it's an achievement, whether you like it or not.

Sandals12 · 30/04/2023 23:49

Yes as pp have said, congratulations!! You definietly deserve recognition for thus esp as you wanted to end your journey earlier than your husband did.

Only 1 in 200 women in the UK reach the one year mark (99percent of African women reach one year) in the UK so of course the majority won't understand what you've been through, and to add a cancer journey on top of it!! Hope he gets well soon, wee pet.xx

OldFan · 30/04/2023 23:49

@Calmondeck I can only imagine how difficult breastfeeding is. I know my mum had to give up because of mastitis. I suppose our partners aren't psychic. You could tell him you want to do something to celebrate/mark it being over and all you've done.

So sorry to hear your LO is poorly. xxx

MakesMeFeelSad · 30/04/2023 23:50

No one formula feeds for 2 years and even if they did the child would be taking the bottle themselves

Desperatelyseekingcommonsense · 30/04/2023 23:51

Stopping BF does feel like the end of a journey. I think if you haven't bf for an extended period it's hard to understand what it does to you hormonally/ physically/emotionally.

I BF all my DC till two and got nada in the way of thanks or acknowledgement. For the effort and the sleepless nights and wearing rubbish accessible clothing. I thnk overall it's probablt something I put the most time/ effort into for the least amount of recognition in my life.

Remaker · 30/04/2023 23:53

I think some people are outing themselves as only reading the headline.

OP I was thinking YABU from the headline but then I read your post. Your DH was pushing you to breastfeed from the beginning by being ‘anti formula’ and then he pushed you to keep going when you wanted to stop. Yes he bloody well should acknowledge that you have gone above and beyond, partly to satisfy HIS beliefs/fears. YANBU.

Sending best wishes to your DC for a full recovery.

MakesMeFeelSad · 30/04/2023 23:54

And when you ff unless you are a single parent you don't do all the feeding yourself

OldFan · 01/05/2023 00:00

@Calmondeck He seems to have tended to ask a lot of you and then not appreciate it when you do the going above and beyond that he expects, just taken it for granted.

I can see why that would be annoying and aggravating.

sevenbyseven · 01/05/2023 00:10

I'm not sure it's realistic to expect a fanfare, but you can have a 'well done' from me. I hope your little one is on the road to recovery. By kind to yourself 💐

Tessabelle74 · 01/05/2023 00:11

You've done something millions of women have done, and will continue to do. I get it was a big deal to you, but literally no one else cares. I hope your son makes a full recovery, I think this may be why you feel it's a bigger deal than it actually is, maybe it's something you felt was comforting him or helping you to feel useful in some way, I don't know?

BadNomad · 01/05/2023 00:14

but literally no one else cares

She's not asking everyone to care. Just her husband. The father of the baby. The one person who is supposed to care.

EasterIssland · 01/05/2023 00:19

Tessabelle74 · 01/05/2023 00:11

You've done something millions of women have done, and will continue to do. I get it was a big deal to you, but literally no one else cares. I hope your son makes a full recovery, I think this may be why you feel it's a bigger deal than it actually is, maybe it's something you felt was comforting him or helping you to feel useful in some way, I don't know?

Millions of women have children, should we stop any kind of celebration related with giving birth?
millions of women get promoted in their jobs, should we stop any kind of celebration?

she’s not asking for the world to celebrate / care about her journey with a big party like the one being hosted next week. She’s asking for some appreciation for the person that has been present in this journey, and that hopefully cares about her

LongLostTeacher · 01/05/2023 00:21

I think breast feeding is worthy of a bit of a fanfare. I don’t think society is really set up to facilitate mums being the sole source of nutrition and beyond those initial six months it is sort of considered an indulgence, rather than a continued source of good health and comfort, which places a lot of pressure on just one parent. I think given your specific situation, it is definitely worthy of a fanfare, you did the very best for your child in a situation where it must have increased the pressure on you immensely.

I have learned that if I want a bit of acknowledgement from my husband, I need to spell it out. I do so nicely and politely but I have to be crystal clear about it. I’ve been slagged off on here for it, but being clear about it has improved our relationship - I feel seen and valued, and he knows he’s given me something I want and appreciate, which actually makes him feel good too. So if I were you I’d just say something like, “I’m so proud of myself for breastfeeding DS, I never imagined I would do it for so long. I’d really like something to commemorate this time, do you think you could get me x I’ve seen. I think i made a lot of sacrifices to make breastfeeding possible over this time, it would be a nice token for that.”

hockerydockerydick · 01/05/2023 00:21

all mammals do it. YABU. hope dc is better soon

Gruffling · 01/05/2023 00:22

Well done OP. BF is hard work in itself, but to carry on for so long when you wanted to stop is an amazing achievement.

Yfory · 01/05/2023 00:25

Apart from the use of the word journey.............. Im 100% with you op. Im genuinely surprised the majority arent. Ignore the negative comments on this thread - if you were my friend Id be giving you a hug and asking you if you fancied a celebratory drink (alcoholic as presumably you've not been out much or drunk much alcohol in almost 3 years)

mathanxiety · 01/05/2023 00:29

Sorry your DC is still in the thick of it, and you and DH along with him.

Is it possible your H is focused on the illness to a large extent?

ladydimitrescu · 01/05/2023 00:42

Well I was unable to breastfeed and I think you have done amazingly well! I completely understand wanting some gratitude and praise from DH, especially with a sick child. I do hope he is doing well xx

hopsalong · 01/05/2023 00:46

I think YBU only in the mildest possible way, in that your husband clearly doesn't have a clue what this has cost you, and so clearly isn't going to do or say anything to acknowledge it now.

It sounds tough for all of you. I hope very much that DC is doing well. (My second son self-weaned when he became much more independent and started speaking a lot more, just before he was two. The first one I weaned at 18 months. I might tentatively hope that your child's weaning suggests that they're getting better and are not so much in need of comfort?)

Your husband was being a dick for being 'against formula', unless he was planning to induce lactation from his own nipples. I suppose that ideally you would have nipped that shit in the bud then, long before DC was ill.

Wishing you the very best. Look after yourself.

Handpickled · 01/05/2023 00:48

Christ the replies OP, am sorry - turns out your dh is insensitive but he is probably looking better against the toxicity of some of these posters.

Yeah you deserve a fanfare - feeding for that long is often a bit challenging when it’s not the cultural norm and you certainly didn’t feel like it was helping you be useful because you were being useful and making a difference and that’s both wonderful and knackering. Then you stop and it’s a transitional time for both of you - we mark transitions all the time so get this one celebrated too. It has been and is tough for you both - maybe time to work on communication? Sending you best wishes.

HipHipCimorene · 01/05/2023 01:15
Happy New Year Celebration GIF by Faith Holland

Does this help

Kokeshi123 · 01/05/2023 01:24

Fanfare is not the right way to put it.

I do think that men should give their wives some appreciation and kudos for the hard physical work that mothers put into children.