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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect some fanfare from DH for end of breastfeeding journey?

237 replies

Calmondeck · 30/04/2023 22:07

Just that really… I always intended to breastfeed (but had no concept of how all-consuming it is in the first 6 months and didn’t really know how/when to stop) and DH was quite anti-formula. When DC was 18 months I declared myself ready to stop but he was diagnosed with cancer and DH thought breastfeeding could be a tool to help with the many many hospitalisations. Now at 23 months, DC has decided he’s done. Which feels wonderful it’s come to its natural conclusion. DH has not reacted in any way. I don’t know what I expected, AIBU to expect anything? Secretly I wish he would take this moment to reflect on how much I have given… (not just milk)…

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2023 01:43

Tessabelle74 · 01/05/2023 00:11

You've done something millions of women have done, and will continue to do. I get it was a big deal to you, but literally no one else cares. I hope your son makes a full recovery, I think this may be why you feel it's a bigger deal than it actually is, maybe it's something you felt was comforting him or helping you to feel useful in some way, I don't know?

OK as long as you didn't have any kind of:

Birthday party
Wedding
Christening
Hen night
Even don't go planning a funeral since billions of people have one of those.

Mean-spirited post.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2023 01:45

Kokeshi123 · 01/05/2023 01:24

Fanfare is not the right way to put it.

I do think that men should give their wives some appreciation and kudos for the hard physical work that mothers put into children.

This. Apart from a shag, which wasn't exactly a chore, I grew an entire human to six months old using my body (and cake). That's incredible. DH couldn't.

It is an achievement even if other women do it. Well, actually not 'even'. I'm glad women do it together. Sisterhood and all that.

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 01:56

I can't believe all these people being horrible to a woman whose small child has cancer.

It's actually disgusting.

BoogleOogle · 01/05/2023 02:03

TommyLeeRoycesTinyArsePhone · 30/04/2023 22:29

I do not know why you are getting such a hard time here. It’s a massive deal in straightforward cases and OP and her baby have been through so much more.

Presumably feeding was used to comfort baby through all kinds of procedures, and meant OP absolutely had to be the default parent in hospital on some of the hardest nights. And life remains uncertain now and stuff that shouldn’t have happened to her baby did.

Fucking well done OP. You gave so much and it isn’t wanky or weird to call it a journey.

And yes given that DH was so keen on it as much as it might not have occurred to him to do a fanfare some acknowledgement would be nice.

All of this!

Tandora · 01/05/2023 02:21

Nedmund · 30/04/2023 23:46

Some of these posts are appalling, obviously from people who've not breastfed. It can be physically draining and isolating to breastfeed at times, OP has done this throughout her child being ill and provided the comfort and closeness that would have helped.

That does not discount that it'd be a struggle for a mum with baby who had cancer and ff. Hugs are just as important for that closeness too.

It's not us v them or a slight on anyone else.

She's done something that only 1% of mums do. Of course it's an achievement, whether you like it or not.

She's done something that only 1% of mums do. Of course it's an achievement, whether you like it or not.

This is so incredibly ableist. Breastfeeding is not an “achievement”, it’s a basic bodily function.
It’s bloody exhausting - physically and emotionally, and OP deserves empathy and recognition from her husband for that, and for all that she does for her child, especially when things are so hard. but a man who’s entitled enough to think he gets to be anti formula and have a preference for how long she continues to b-feed is unlikely to recognise that.

blahblahblah1654 · 01/05/2023 02:26

What?

LuluCurl · 01/05/2023 02:39

I don’t really understand wanting a fanfare or reaction or the talk about your breastfeeding journey, but if it means a lot to you then please talk to your husband and tell him how you’re feeling. I would class myself as a reasonable sensitive person and this wouldn’t have occurred to me, maybe he just hasn’t realised either. With a poorly child, it’s even more important you stay close and communicate. You need each other.

I’m very sorry to hear that your child is sick, I hope he makes a full recovery. That doesn’t seem like enough to say, cancer is a bastard life is not fair. Very best wishes.

Jemandthehologramsunite · 01/05/2023 02:43

Nedmund · 30/04/2023 23:46

Some of these posts are appalling, obviously from people who've not breastfed. It can be physically draining and isolating to breastfeed at times, OP has done this throughout her child being ill and provided the comfort and closeness that would have helped.

That does not discount that it'd be a struggle for a mum with baby who had cancer and ff. Hugs are just as important for that closeness too.

It's not us v them or a slight on anyone else.

She's done something that only 1% of mums do. Of course it's an achievement, whether you like it or not.

I'm confused about the 1%, almost everyone I know BF. Agree it can be hard to establish breastfeeding, but it's worth it for your baby. Plus, overall its much quicker and easier than faffing around with bottles and formula, not to mention instant and free. It's the obvious option if you have a choice.

MissTrip82 · 01/05/2023 02:52

You don’t sound crazy. For you it was a journey and you wanted some recognition, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Fascinates me that some
PPs happy to put the boot in over your feelings about your experience, but glossed over a man having so many opinions about something he can’t do.

BritInAus · 01/05/2023 03:00

hockerydockerydick · 01/05/2023 00:21

all mammals do it. YABU. hope dc is better soon

@hockerydockerydick So if this was your friend, or even someone you just knew in real life - and they said they'd just finished almost 2 years of breastfeeding - 9 months of which was through their young child being diagnosed with cancer, and presumably whilst spending a lot of time in hospitals and in what may have been painful and gruelling treatments, you would actually just reply 'all mammals do it?'

Wowsers. Glad the people in my life aren't this shit, and I really hope for OP they aren't either.

ElmtreeMama · 01/05/2023 03:10

Yanbu

Breastfeeding my DD has been the greatest joy and experience of my life. I absolutely will look back and think how much I loved it/missed these times.

Extended Breastfeeding isn't the norm in our society within the UK. If I make it as far as you I'd like my husband to acknowledge it yes.

Well done OP 👏 you're obviously an amazing, mother.

You deserve all the support from those around you x

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 01/05/2023 04:16

I think he needs to reflect on what you’ve given in terms of your body, your time, your labour (physical and emotional) but to celebrate the end of a “breastfeeding journey” is a bit -ummm, odd.

SkyandSurf · 01/05/2023 04:17

hockerydockerydick · 01/05/2023 00:21

all mammals do it. YABU. hope dc is better soon

Not all mammals. 20% of women in the UK don't attempt to breastfeed at all, and the number of UK mothers exclusively breastfeeding by 3-4 months is around 15%.

Less than 1% of mothers make it as long as OP did. At great personal cost, and at the particular request of her DH.

It's not unreasonable to expect some acknowledgment or appreciation. Particularly as BF is linked to a lot of trauma for OP, and we know from studying trauma and PTSD that simply acknowledging and marking trauma and endurance can be protective factors against long term psychological harm and damage to relationships.

OP, communicate to your husband that you feel this sacrifice on your part has gone unseen and unappreciated.

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 01/05/2023 04:29

But I think you’ve got more on your plate than this. Maybe your disappointment with your DH is a symptom of deeper emotions to do with your child’s serious illness and what the costs have been for him and you.

How do you feel about how your DH has responded to and supported your DC and how you two have supported each other?

Those might be the things to actually think about.

Good luck and I hope there is better news for your DC.

Fifi0 · 01/05/2023 04:38

It's a lovely thing you have done best wishes to your DS i hope he gets well soon. I think when you are in the early stages of parenthood breastfeeding becomes all encompassing. You have the enormous added stress of your DC being poorly. Reflecting now DD is 10 I hardly think about the stuff I worried about when she was a baby.

It's a really small part of the overall parenting journey. People don't pay much attention as it's not happening to them and they think its just feeding a baby.
I'm not sure I'm proud of breastfeeding her. I'm proud of shaping her into the young lady she's becoming which has nothing to do with feeding..

DrJump · 01/05/2023 04:47

Last year I finished up brastfeeding after 12 years (not the same child in case anyone is freaking out). It's just the end. I didn't even mark it. I can't imagine trying to mark it or my partner doing anything about it.

Cooknook · 01/05/2023 04:55

As he was happy to vocalise his anti formula stance and 'persuade' and suggest you carry on BFing then I do think he could and should say something. It was obviously important to him and he felt he could comment on what you did with your body, so why is he quiet now? If he hadn't been like this then I'd gently suggest you're being a bit precious, but as is I don't think you are.

McGoadyFromFuckingGoadyville · 01/05/2023 05:37

Breastfeeding was so difficult, I hated it and was so glad to be done. I can't imagine doing it for so long and under so much stress too.

Hats off to you op. You deserve all the love in the world.

MaryShelley1818 · 01/05/2023 06:06

I am so sorry about your child, and hope they get better soon.

I breastfed both of my children, didn't expect any sort of fanfare, it's literally just feeding the children. I do think that some people are incredibly "look at me" about it and enjoy how it makes them look (clearly not you OP), whereas others just see it as a very practical thing.

JimmyHalpert · 01/05/2023 06:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2023 22:24

Could posters please consider when they are posting sarcastic and unkind answers, they are doing it to a woman with a sick child?

OP, considering that your DH was anti-formula AND wanted you to carry on when you wanted to stop, yes, he could acknowledge the work you've out in. I assume a lot of the caring, lost sleep and comforting were solely on you because of BFing? He should be appreciative.

Exactly this.

For a site made up of mostly mothers, some women on here just come across as bitter and miserable.

Breastfeeding is a journey and it has lots of ups and downs, well done OP for making it as far as you have and I understand you want your partner to value you and all you’ve done for your family.

Summerfun54321 · 01/05/2023 06:09

Of course it's the end of a journey. It can be really emotional stopping and I can imagine especially as your DC is ill. Just tell your DH how you feel, maybe you could do something for you like a massage or get your nails done. Ignore the negative comments here. You've soothed and comforted a sick child during an incredibly stressful time.

Abacusporttaco · 01/05/2023 06:19

Your H had way too many opinions on your breastfeeding ‘journey’…

Ossification · 01/05/2023 06:37

... money to treat yourself to a piece of jewellery with your milk so you have a reminder
Are you on drugs? That is just very weird.
And why would you not remember you have breastfed for 2 years?
Eew
_
But OP, breast-feeding has been happening for milennia. Not someyhing which deserves/needs recognition. But I really do with your DC the best

Ossification · 01/05/2023 06:38
  • wish!

Sorry big fingers!

Wilkolampshade · 01/05/2023 06:38

I'm so sorry that your child's illness is ongoing. That must be horrendous for all of you. Xx
I agree that I think the use of 'journey' has unnecessarily riled people, which is unfortunate given that there are bigger issues being discussed here.

FWIW, could it possibly be that your DH had hoped for some kind of almost miraculous protection from breastfeeding and is unbearably disappointed to realise that this is not the case? Could his silence reflect this? Perhaps he is having to face up to a difficult reality?

I really hope your little one turns a corner soon OP.